Happy Valentine's Day to my friends

[kayc]

I know there's someone in your heart today, someone you are missing...and I just want you to know I understand your ache and am thinking of each of you.

[R.Everit55]

Right back at you Kay.  ❤️

[KarenK]

Thank you, Kay. Hope you have a pleasant day.

Valentine's Day will be just like any other for me. It has been many years since Ron & I celebrated anything. In the early years, he showered me with gifts, mostly fine jewelry and clothes. The jewelry is all gone now out of necessity. I remember him apologizing for not getting me anything for Valentine's Day or my birthday during that last year. He was so sick he could barely sit up, much less worry about getting me a gift. I did not want anything, only for him to get better. I did get cards for him . He must have felt they were meaningless as he was dying. Even though I still have them, I cannot look at the 40+ years of cards we gave each other. The pain would be too great.

[scba]

I am too thinking of all of you today. I cannot recall any memory of Valentine's day with my boyfriend, we didn't had many. I am sure that if I check my facebook chat or sms I will find the messages, but I don't want to, I fear the pain. I have been doing well for two days and I don't want to be in pain or sad, I am trying to stay "cold" about the whole stuff and so I will avoid tv and facebook. 

Those cats icons, we loved them. I don't send them again in any message. It is like they belong to me and him. I would like to think that he is holding my hand today and that he is saying I love you, even if I cannot hear it. 

[kayc]

I do know what you mean, even now it is still painful for me to look through the cards he gave me, but I might try to do that today and see how it goes.  Funny, I derive pleasure in the little notes he left me around the house.  It's weird how it hits how it will and is different for everyone.

[Guest Janka]

Happy Valentines Day to all !

          

               Janka

[Margm]

When I was emptying Billy's chest of drawers, I found all the cards he had saved.  One of these days I will look at them.  Not yet.

[Gwenivere]

Steve has a drawer of my cards to him and I have a box with the special ones to me.  I did go thru mine last year when I was still semi numb and could handle it.  It will be a long time til I look at them again.  I only got rid of ones he just signed which were very few.  He always wrote a poem or personalized them in some way.  I don't know what I will do about my cards to him.  Right now it is best they stay undesturbed.  My heart couldn't take that flood of memories right now.

[Margm]

Mine and ALL the ones we have saved together, and those he saved will all be put in one of the plastic buckets along with 54 years, and longer of pictures and will not be looked at, may never be looked at, (by me) depends on how long I live.  I cannot look at his pictures yet. We all handle things differently.  On the 17th it will only be four months.  I hope to be able to look at his pictures.  I sure miss that boy.  

[Gwenivere]

I couldn't look at Steve's picture for a good 6 months, and then it was very rarely.  I could actually see a picture of us and not see him.  The mind is remarkable of protection at times.

[Cookie]

Thank you Kayc...so sweet.  Hugs to you, Cookie

[Cookie]

Gwenivere:  I relate to your description of your pain for Steve so much.  You are able to articulate very well what I feel foo.  Actually, I relate to everybody, but there is something about the way you put it that resonates personally with me.  I am so lost in my pain for John.  I try to hard to extricate myself, but many times to no avail and then I feel hopeless about being able to live life.  I have tried everything under the sun....going out, working part-time, reading, playing games, etc., etc.  Nothing seems to work to make me feel better.  I will keep trying, but I want to say I'm there with you in my heart....warmly, Cookie

[kayc]

We have a two drawer chest, the upper one was his mementos, the lower one was mine. So I have both, and it's very tough.  To try and look at them is to open yourself up to the most extreme pain.  I have gone through and looked at them,usually when I was looking for something specific and so I was forced to see those too.  I decided not to yesterday.  If I can't do it this far out, I don't know if I ever can.  But I won't get rid of them.

It's just like, I bought some scrapbooking stuff to do his life with, shortly after he died, but I can't make myself do it, it's still too painful.  I'm not sure it will ever happen.  I should have done it shortly after his death when I was still in a numb fog.

[KATPILOT]

I still have of course all the cards I ever gave Kathy because she had saved them in her nightstand for me to discover after she was gone. Just the fact that the had saved them touched me so much. It was like finding a piece of us, a piece of her....... and so I put one out every year now and set it by her urn. I know she knows it's there.

  We would always make that day so special or we would go somewhere because for some reason, that day just was so important to Kathy and I.  I have no true understanding of why.  It just evolved that way.  Since this year my sister came to stay as her birthday was yesterday too, I didn't have that much chance to dwell and perhaps that was a good thing but now as Wednesday approaches and makes it five full years, I seem to be filling with some sort of trepidation which I haven't felt in a while. Perhaps it's because I have been so busy with work and family all through the holidays and right up till now. It's possible I might be suffering from "grief deprivation" if there is such a thing. I just know I'm going to have to get out of here for the day.

[Guest]

Steve,

I really like the idea of placing a card already given by the urn.  I am going to swipe this idea if it's alright.  Marty can tell you I'm pretty good at taking others ideas and coopting them as my own.   I hope you cope well Wednesday my Sensai, my thoughts will be coming your way.  I've got doctor appointments Wednesday, otherwise I'd invite you to come up out of the heat and enjoy our beautiful weather.  Lots of ducks, Canadian honkers and a Bald Eagle over at the lake these days.  Soon AZ Fish and Game will stock and then the Osprey will return as well.

Best wishes my friend

Brad

[KATPILOT]

Thank you for the good thoughts my friend. Perhaps one weekend soon I can fly up and go to breakfast with you if you don't mind driving to the Show Low airport. Feel free to adopt the card routine. It wasn't my idea in the first place. My grief counselor Joyce suggested it in that first year of group. Sending a card by mail was the original concept.  Sometimes people roll their eyes when I've mentioned I do that. I never say it but I think that if they ever loved that deeply, they might feel differently. In some ways, we are the lucky one's even if it is a double edged sword. 

[Guest]

A double edged sword is right but one I'm glad found me.

If you fly in I'll pick you up and treat for a Darby's breakfast. Bring you sister if she'd like to come. 

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. 

Brad

[kayc]

Stephen,

Thinking of you today as you hit your five year mark.  And I'm a firm supporter of snail mail cards!  But then I've been making them for over 30 years, used to have them in our local art gallery before it closed down, then in a bakery, but now it burned down.  I hope however you choose to spend the day you feel the comfort and warmth of the love that supported you all those years...it still exists.

[Guest]

KatPilot

Thinking of you my friend.  May you find peace and joy in the memories.

[MartyT]

We're all thinking of you and your beloved Kathy, Stephen, on this special day of remembrance.  ♥

[Margm]

I quit counting weeks, but I will always count the #17 as my most unlucky number ever.  All of our remembered dates hound our memories.  I doubt I will be allowed many more, but I just wish we were only allowed memories that were happy.  You have to know, after 54 years I should only remember happy.  I want those memories to come to the front of the brain, not play out the five weeks of horror.  They were only five short weeks, come on happy, I am ready.  Somehow, only "alone" broadcasts.

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

You have to know, after 54 years I should only remember happy.  I want those memories to come to the front of the brain, not play out the five weeks of horror.  They were only five short weeks, come on happy, I am ready.  Somehow, only "alone" broadcasts.

I feel that way too.  After all the good years and times, they seem buried under a rubble I can't get to.  My rubble is 5 years, but even in that time there were some great times.  I'm starting to see grief as this insidious creature that takes glee in our suffering.  The times I have retrieved what should be good memories, they bring me to my knees in sadness like they have been tainted with an evil spell.  Sometimes it makes no sense to me why I cannot look at a picture of Steve and yes, feel sad he is gone, but not smile or feel something comforting from it.  Even when I see the profile picture here it tugs at my heart.  I put it up because I thought it would be better than the generic black and white drawing.  I do prefer it, but lord it hurts some days!

[KATPILOT]

When I arrived home last night after what was a very hard day wishing I could have gotten out of work but it was just so demanding, I read these replies and I wish I could express how much you all lifted my spirits.  I am reminded how much care and love lives here.

Thank you

[Margm]

I cannot be in my house right now.  My granddaughter and her family, on the move from West Coast to East Coast are in a war with each other.  A small child watches cartoons. Two dogs were moved in also.  They have to have a place to stay until their childish sakes can come together and leave.  Now in this house I am staying in, I am very welcome.  I pay my own way, but they want/need me here. I had to mediate a warring faction between two partners that have been together seven years.  They asked for the mediation.  I gave it and they are back in togetherness.  My son is with a woman/small child mind, and they are warring all the time.  Thy have been together 10 years. Folks, I have to tell them (after a Xanax) that if a relationship is to last they have to meet on common ground.  They all want my "wisdom" and the only thing I can honestly tell them, is that if Billy and I had not been forced to handle our own problems, we would not have made it 54 years.  All this discord makes me want to go somewhere way off by myself.  I finally told these people that the fight is not over until it is etched in stone or written on a wooden urn. I am here because our granddaughter has some health and emotional problems that she wants me here for.  She was adopted and her bio mother was on all the street drugs.  No doubt some of her problems started in utero. She is one of the sweetest, loving children that was ever born into this family. The warring factions cause her to come in as an afterthought.  I take her to her doctor appointments.  I cannot leave yet.  If I had gone first, Billy would have put this child first.  My life, as short as it might be, (my mom is going to be 95 in June,)which might be torture for me.  Being the eldest sibling, I know my responsibilities, but right now my limitations, well, I know them also.  I start with a grief group this month, but I doubt it will help more than all the people on here.  I thank you.  And for all you people who think being alone is the pitts, listen to me, it would be so nice to have a happy medium.

[kayc]

Being alone is the pits, but it also has it's good points.  But being in what YOU are living in is MUCH harder, and I wouldn't wish it on any griever!  The truth is, a griever in their first couple of years just does NOT need added stress, they have their hands and hearts full!

I hope you get some relief soon.  And then to be worrying about your mom on top of it...oh my poor Margaret!