Another week ticks away

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

@G:  I am terribly confused.  I am not young like all of you.  I know we are not promised tomorrow, and if anyone can find one remnant of peace, I wish them well.  One size does not fit all is the truist thing I have seen.  I don't have much time.  I cannot live like this.

I know that feeling of not wanting to live like this.  Being 'young' (60 for me) is no guarantee.  Having had the scare of the TIA or whatever it was just shows how fragile life is.  This pain is the heaviest burden for everyone because of the deep love.  But I know what you mean.  I don't know how I would have reacted if I lost Steve 20 years ago.  I guess that is one thing I am grateful about to go back to a prior topic of discussion recently.

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, Gin said:

Marg,. I am not young, either.  76.  I am devastated by all this.  We just have to do the best we can.  I went to a restaurant where Al and I always went.  I called ahead to pick it up.  The owner asked how I was doing.  I don't think I even answered him.  Then our regular waitress came over and asked the same.  I almost made it back to the car.  I cried hard all the way home.  It is so hard.

I know I wrote once about this happening to me.  I thought that getting some of 'our' date night food for home was a good idea.  All the employees we knew were so kind and caring.  I cried all the way home too.  For some reason I tried it again months later and while I did better, I realized this was not a thing for me ever again in the future.  It was our place and if I feel the need for going out again, there are many other places without the memory price tag.  In this case I see avoidence as a positive thing.  We never shared our date night there with anyone so that chapter is closed.  Sad, but unless I want to sit by myself, and I don't, it will be a place in my memory only now.  I still remember every Saturday we would so look forward to it.  I will  miss thier killer green chili burgers and camarones tho!  

[hollowheart]

On 2/27/2016 at 6:49 AM, iheartm said:

There is something about the supermarket that just gets me. I remember about three years ago, I was in there and my cell phone rang. It was him and he said, "Hey, where are you?" and I said, "I'm in the supermarket." He said, "What aisle?" So I said, "What?" laughing. He said, "I'm in aisle 4!" and we met up and laughed about that. I am welling up right now typing that. we have a Walgreens market by us as well and every time I went in there, I would park in the same spot (I was lucky to get it 95% of the time) so if he was out for a walk and passed by, he would see that I was in there and would come in and meet me. To see him appear in Walgreens and smile and come up to me was such fun.

OMG, this made me cry. Oh why did I read this? lol. This is EXACTLY what me and my sister would do all the time. It was fun too because we always went to the same places. I sometimes think about the time we ended up having a doctors appointment at the same time on the same day. (we both went to Mercy Hospital) and it was cool to be able to go together. How I wish we were just going to a doctor now!

We used to run into each other on the bus or train. I go out now and sometimes I wish to run into her but I know there is no possibility now. It's so hard to grasp that reality.

[hollowheart]

19 hours ago, Cookie said:

 I think belief in God is very personal, and although I'm glad it is helping some, it doesn't work for my pain and loneliness.  The problem with telling people if you just had God, you wouldn't feel so bad, is that it's another guilt thing making you feel like you don't measure up.  I'm really happy for whoever can derive comfort from their belief system, but we should be careful about putting that on others who are are feeling bad enough already.  I'm not trying to be difficult, it's just that I've had the community Christian ladies come at me with if I just had Jesus I would feel better.  Now they may believe that, but they don't know what my beliefs are and it's not very nice to add another burden to an already over-burdened person.  Respectfully, Cookie

Cookie, thank you and I agree. I guess I wish my Faith was that strong, but it's not. I think that's a slippery slope to get into in connection with loss, because not everyone can just "let go and let God" I can in some things, but not this. I think some have a strong Faith and other cling to it because they have nothing else, and they need to believe in something. And that's fine. I don't like the guilt either, but they are good at making you feel that way.

17 hours ago, mittam99 said:

All of us here are grieving. And in this particular forum, most of us have lost our soul mate. I may take heat for saying this but, I think the loss of a beloved spouse is the deepest hurt of all personal losses.

I'll respect this forum thread since I'm basically trespassing in here, but I need to say that all personal losses are the deepest hurt.  Grief comparisons are the last thing we need. Losing my sister as an adult I not only lost my past, but my childhood, my present and now my future. I'm still utterly devastated.

[kayc]

Cookie, I have belief in God but I don't see what that has to do with missing George, which is ever present.  One does not replace another!  Yes, faith helps as it gives me hope but different people find their way differently.  It's not something to ever push on anyone else.  In the Christian religion, God cared so much about FREEDOM to choose, He GAVE us that ability to choose, even if it meant choosing to our detriment!  How then, can someone, in the name of the same religion PUSH God on someone?  That seems a contradiction.  I'm not trying to open this for further discussion, not in the least...my hope is that here we can give each other the respect to choose for ourselves and continue to be respectful of each other's choices, whether it be the God of a Christian religion or Buddha, agnostic, atheist, or whatever.  We all come to our own faith in different ways, different timing.

I remember two weeks after George died, I was in the back of the sanctuary after church and a lady asked how I was and I started crying.  She said, "You can't miss George if you have Jesus!"  I looked at her like she was from outer space!  I replied, "Jesus is here, George isn't!"  The pastor, overhearing, said, "That's right."  People just get caught up in their own dogma and don't see our world has shattered.  She has still to this day not had to go through loss and I don't expect her to understand.  Even those who HAVE lost their husbands, it's not always the same...their relationship was different than ours, their coping abilities different, their life experience different, their reliance different.  How can we compare that?!  We can't!

[hollowheart]

14 minutes ago, kayc said:

Cookie, I have belief in God but I don't see what that has to do with missing George, which is ever present.  One does not replace another! 

I think this is where a lot of the clashes come in with Faith and loss and grieving and all that. I have a few very religious friends and they bring God into just about everything, and that's great for them. At Christmas I talked to one about missing exchanging gifts with my sis and she said she didn't need to exchange presents because she had God. I didn't get that, but left it alone.

So like you said, I don't know how one thing has to do with the other. I usually don't like to go into it with people because when you sound dismissive about how Jesus can't help you with this they practically pass out. I feel the same when people would tell me I can still talk to my sis anytime. Well, it's not the same now is it? So they can keep that to themselves too.

[Margm]

We don't need to compare.  If it works for you, good.  If it does not work for you, ignore.  Someone said "one size does not fit all."  Another said that we all come from different backgrounds.  We do.  Whatever brings you any relief at all, something that might help someone else, if the size fits you wear it.  We can ignore things and wish that person well if they have found help.  I think we all have a degree of understandable anger. We did not choose to lose that most important part of our life. Confusion is my constant companion.  I prefer Billy, but I cannot have him. One size does not fit all, different backgrounds, different cultures, we all share the same pain, none worse than the other, even though we might argue that.  I have said this before.  My friends all have suffered this loss and they tell me it gets easier with time.  But then I have my grandmother's writings that says at 18 years, the hurt is as bad as the day he left.  That was not encouraging. Myself, I would have preferred Billy had left me for another woman than the way he left.  I also wish I had been the one who left first.  I think I have too much time to think. I am selfish.  

[TerriL]

I have been reading the posts here, but this is my first comment. My wonderful, handsome, loving, sweet husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 67, of multiple strokes in October of 2015. We had no real warning, since he seemed to be in great health. We have no children, but we do have four cats. My husband and I did everything together. In fact, when I was reading iheartm's posts, I could have sworn she was quoting me verbatim with so many of her feelings, emotions and observations. In fact, I tried starting a journal and many of the things she wrote were the exact words I had written down before I even discovered this forum. So uncanny. It's been a little over four months since my husband passed and January was particularly brutal for me, since that was the 34th anniversary of our first kiss, first date, when we realized we felt something real for each other. We lived together for nine years before we married in 1992. I, too, feel as if I can't do the regular things or go to the usual places we always did as a couple, which was pretty much everything. I have an anxiety disorder and an autoimmune condition on top of my grief and it makes things even harder on me (my anxiety has worsened since his death). Add to that the fact that I have relatively little help or support from family or friends and it has been downright overwhelming at times (although I count my blessings for the friends who have come through in my most desperate moments). My own brother in law, one week after my husband died, sat in my living room and stated to me that since I have an anxiety disorder and he doesn't "get it", I can expect him to get angry with me from time to time. I just stared at him. I was still in shock from my husband's sudden death and I stared at him. Then, I became angry and told him that I'm sick of having to explain myself to ignorant people. My entire life has been turned upside down. My husband did everything---he was exceptionally handy, smart and so good to me. It's as if, when he died, my life as I had known it for almost 34 years, died along with him. And I don't know how to put it back together again. I am ten years younger than him and yet, I can't see a future that doesn't have him in it. We had made all sorts of plans and every one of them involved the two of us being together to share them. I have no one to share my life with any longer, no one to share jokes or interesting stories we'd both read or hear, no one to go out to when he's washing his truck or trimming the hedges and ask if he wants something to drink, no one to go to the park or beach with on beautiful, sunny days (like today)... It's such a lonely, monotonous existence now. Once in a while, I may have a visitor. I had some former neighbors stop by last weekend. But, then, one of them began talking about "when I'm ready to find a nice man to take me out, make sure I don't allow him to move in to my home" and again, I found myself simply staring back at them. I think it just takes me a moment or two to adjust my brain. I think to myself "they couldn't possibly be saying what I think they're saying", but lo and behold, they truly ARE saying it. So, I immediately stated that, as far as I'm concerned, I am still married to my husband and I won't even think about anything like that. We didn't divorce. Our vows were "til death do we part" and we've parted. It doesn't mean my marriage ended. How have any of you dealt with condescending attitudes, inappropriate remarks or "advice" from people who are supposed to be "supporting" you? I can't believe adults can be so callous and thoughtless sometimes. 

[brat#2]

TerriL, I'm so sorry for your loss.  Your post sounds so much like our life.  We didn't have children, he was my handyman, could fix anything, he was my hero, my safety net, my love and soul mate.  After almost 8 months, I still trying to figure out how to keep going on without him.  I don't have hardly any outside support either and it makes for very lonely, painful days.  I agree with you that after 33 years of marriage, I'm still married to my husband and always will be.  I wish I could give you some advice on how to handle what people say, but I'm still trying to figure that one out myself.  I have found that this site is comforting in knowing that we are not alone in this.  Welcome and again sorry you have to be here.

[Margm]

I think when reading how callous people are to all of you, I wonder why they are not that way to me. Then my brain opens up.  They are not that way to me at all since I hide.  I don't even do Facebook since a friend I graduated with, who lost her husband 7-8 years ago told me to go back to the house I have to put on the market and fill my time being busy.     I went to the house that I pay for, pay the utilities on, TV, phone, DISH, internet and family moved in with loud marital problems.  Flight or fight?  I do best right now with flight and hide.  They are gone now and I hope they took all their things with them.  I go back Thursday but I cannot stay.  I have responsibilities with my elderly mom, and other things.  I will give the house in the other state away.  Billy left me in that state we were planning on leaving anyhow.  I will miss my sister widow neighbor.  She lost her husband 4-5 years ago.    As much as we will miss each other, her advice to me was to go.  

Terri, how do we say welcome when this is the last forum anyone of us wants to be on?  The thing is, we all come from different backgrounds, different cultures and even a lot from different countries.  We all have one thing in common, grief.  I hate the saying that misery loves company.  It doesn't.  I was so bereft that I joined three days after Billy left.  I think I have made a step forward, but then I find it is two steps backward.  There is no cure.  Friends say it will get easier.  I look forward to easier.     

[MartyT]

41 minutes ago, TerriL said:

How have any of you dealt with condescending attitudes, inappropriate remarks or "advice" from people who are supposed to be "supporting" you?

My dear Terri, if you've spent any time reading through so many of the posts in this and other forums on this site, you will soon discover that the answer to your question is a resounding YES! I know that in time, some of our members will respond to your question and share their own experiences. In the meantime, you might like to read one or more of the articles listed below. Note that at the base of each of them, you'll find links to many others on the same topic.

In Grief: Feeling Let Down By Closest Friends

In Grief: How Much Can One Person Take?

Grief Support: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectations 

[scba]

Dear Terri, I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my boyfriend in 2014. I call him boyfriend but he was a husband. He was definitely my soulmate.

 Unfortunately what you are going through, regarding people's remarks, is very common and I think everybody here have been gone through such painful experience. With time you will learn to sort of handle it, in my case, I learn to hide my grief and talk little about it with most people, sticking to the essential and stopped trying to explain why I feel sad after more than a year. I probably talk about how difficult life is to me but I stop there, I don't mention inner struggles, missing, and all the complex experience. I'm 36, and thank to heaven, I'm just the only one among my friends who is a widow. Unfortunately, I still remember who told me this and that in the early months of grief. I think adults are so overrated, sorry. My 5yo niece told me "auntie, but surely you have a boyfriend because he lives in your heart, so he is your boyfriend for ever". I don't need to look any further. 

[kayc]

Terri,

First let me say how very sorry I am that you lost your best friend and husband to sudden death, that in itself is overwhelming.  Ask any of us here, we know!  That your BIL said that to you seems hard to comprehend!  I have had to get rather bold with people in response, as you did.  I see nothing wrong with that, there is, after all, no one else who will stand up for us now that our husbands have died.  When your friends talked to you about not moving someone in, I think I would have looked around me (as if looking for who they're talking to) and said, "You're talking to ME???!!"  That's nuts!  Yet we all know someone who HAS moved on and rather quickly (my ex-neighbor moved in with a guy two weeks after her husband of many years suddenly passed) and I'm sure they meant well in trying to warn you.  You can only respond that you have no such desire or plans in the making.  

I'm glad you've decided to come here, Marty has posted some great links and I hope you've had time to read them.  Please feel free to come here any time and post how you're feeling, we will hear you.

[Margm]

@Kay.  What I called "my cancer friend" had her funeral, I called her mother-in-law to talk to her husband.  Friend was just buried.  I guess it was time enough for a marriage license, cause he was on his honeymoon.  A close in-law had a date with the undertaker after her husband's funeral.  Date made at the funeral.  Another relative passed away, very troubled LONG marriage.  She had his things cleared out of the house day after funeral. Guess we all take our grief differently.  

[TerriL]

Thank you for the welcome, even though, as you said, this is a club no one truly wants to join. If someone had told me last September that I'd be here right now, first of all, I would have said "shut up!" because I'd be afraid they were jinxing things, but I would have told them they were insane. My husband and I were making plans for three years from that time, for what would have been his 70th birthday. I do appreciate the comfort though in being among people who finally "get" me and what I'm going through. I've lost both of my parents and went through the deaths of my husband's parents and one of his brothers, but losing my husband has been the hardest hit of all. Paul was my life, the family I chose for myself, the only man I've ever really loved and wanted (and still DO). Yes, he was my boyfriend, too! I would tell him that all the time and he would tell people that living with me was like living with a teenager in the house. Haha! (I can't believe how remembering that honestly made me laugh just now.) We'd leave funny notes on a dry erase board for each other all the time. Now, it's just a blank slate attached to the refrigerator. We were opposites in certain areas, but in a way that complemented each other. We rarely ever clashed. I respect him and admire him so much. He was the person who could "ground" me, hold on to my hand and make me feel as if everything would be all right. I wish I could have saved him---made everything all right for him. I tried, but failed. 

I so deeply understand how all of you are feeling and my heart goes out to you in the same way you have offered yours to me. I have cried so hard just reading some of the posts because I see myself in them. We're like this unseen society of people in deep pain and despair, while all around us, the world goes on as if nothing at all has happened. It's surreal to me. Nothing for me is normal anymore. I feel so scared all the time. Scared of the future. Scared that I will feel like this and be living like this for the remainder of my years. And then my sister will call, tell me all the things that she and her husband have done together that morning and then say to me, "I hope you're enjoying this beautiful day, too!" You have no idea how bad I wanted to say, "Oh, yes! Paul and I took a walk around the block this morning, too. But, then his urn got too heavy and I had to carry him back home." Instead, I graciously suck it up and exchange pleasantries. Of course, then you hang up and that's when the anger hits you. 

And thank you very much for the links so that I can read them and better equip myself with information on how to get through some of this. I am trying meditation, but I become so easily distracted now that it's rather a joke. I keep trying though. And I try to take care of myself and my fur babies. They also realize their dad is no longer here and still look for him at times, especially in the early morning. He always got up before me and fed them. I tell them all the time that he is looking out for them and he still loves them very much. They may not understand the words, but I do believe they can pick up on your intentions. Who knows? Maybe it's myself I'm actually trying to convince. 

[kayc]

Terri, you have a beautiful way of expressing yourself, I feel what you're saying.  Someone commenting on enjoying a beautiful day to you, esp. this soon, you want to say, "As if!"  No, people don't get it, how could they?  Until they are in our shoes, horror of horrors, how could they!

[Gin]

Yesterday my friend told me to enjoy the nice weather, like that would happen.  Then she told me to get out and take a walk.  She knows  I have a torn meniscus and can barely hobble around.  Sometimes people just don't think.

[kayc]

Gin, I'm sorry.  I had a torn meniscus and it took about a year to heal, they're very painful.  She clearly wasn't thinking about that.  You're right, sometimes they speak without thinking.  I hope yours heals soon.  Are you having surgery or doing PT?

[TerriL]

Kay, thank you very much for the compliment. It was very kind of you. I have not yet read the links, but plan to after I go outside to run the cars. That is one thing I have to do at least every couple days or so. I start the car and truck up to allow them to run so the batteries don't die out. My next door neighbor's husband, who is not well himself, kindly came over shortly after my husband's death and charged up the dead batteries for me. I'm attempting to reward his kindness by doing my job to keep them running so he doesn't have to come back over again. His wife brought over shock treatment for my pool when the water turned green and helped me get the water clear again (yes, my husband took care of that, too, and I'm totally clueless). I am thankful every day for people like that. I don't know where I'd be right now if it hadn't been for them. 

Gin, I believe you summed it up perfectly. Sometimes, people are clueless. 

And Marg, I was reading your post and sitting here with my mouth hanging open. Everything of my husband's is still right where he left it the day fire/rescue took him to the ER (my husband was a retired Firefighter). He never returned. Well, he returned, just not as either of us would have wanted it. I figure that this is still his home, too, and I'm the only one who sees his things every day, so I can leave it however I want to. It isn't anyone else's call to make. 

[hollowheart]

30 minutes ago, TerriL said:

 And then my sister will call, tell me all the things that she and her husband have done together that morning and then say to me, "I hope you're enjoying this beautiful day, too!" You have no idea how bad I wanted to say, "Oh, yes! Paul and I took a walk around the block this morning, too. But, then his urn got too heavy and I had to carry him back home." Instead, I graciously suck it up and exchange pleasantries. Of course, then you hang up and that's when the anger hits you. 

Terri, don't take this the wrong way, but this was hilarious. I can imagine the face of the person you said this to (I know you didn't) but I know they'd be so embarrassed. Things like this hit us everyday because it's the reminder that everyone is enjoying their non interrupted life, just like we were at one point, and it really feels in your face when they do things like this.

A girl at work asks me every Friday what my weekend plans are. I always want to say 'I have no weekend plans anymore"  but I"m not going to be awkward debbie downer, but it hurts.

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, hollowheart said:

I feel the same when people would tell me I can still talk to my sis anytime. Well, it's not the same now is it? So they can keep that to themselves too.

I feel this way too.  Yeah, I can 'talk' to him all day long.  But there is no reply.  That is what they don't get.  It worked for a very short time in the beginning.  But I was in shock.  The reality that conversations are over is so painful.  Occasionally I will say or think something to him.  But it's all just an exercise of memories because I know what he might say.  Most of the time knowing that it is futile to talk 'to' him is what hurts so bad.

[TerriL]

@hollowheart, I won't take it the wrong way. I have always been known for my sense of humor and I have been desperately trying to hold onto it as much as I can through all this. It was one of the things Paul loved the most about me and anytime I could crack him up was such a joy and a triumph for me. He was very laid back and low key and we were such a Yin/Yang coupling. No, I didn't say that to my sister, because I've learned to just let it go---that's just the way she is, like Barbie on speed. Come to think of it, my brother in law has always been kind of a jerk, too, so there you go. It wasn't long after Paul's death---maybe several weeks---and my sister called and cheerfully asked, "So, anything different going on today?" I wasn't having a great day (my joints were hurting from my autoimmune condition) and she just really got to me. I answered back with a false cheerful tone, "No! Paul's still dead!" Silence on the other end of the line. Then, she tried to backtrack and explain what she meant and that's when I felt horrible for having said it. I apologized to her, told her I wasn't feeling well and that I knew what she meant.

When I was first in shock, my anger was in overdrive. It even frightened me at times. I was furious at the entire universe and some people got caught in the crossfire. But, I can't go back and undo what has been done (if only! I wouldn't be HERE right now), so I move forward and figure that if anyone is holding a grudge against me for things I may have said in anger at a time when I'd just lost the love of my life and my entire world was spinning out of control, it's something I have to accept as a natural consequence of my actions. I did apologize to anyone who experienced my wrath, but it's not for me to insist they forgive me. 

[Gwenivere]

I echo Brat in saying welcome, but so sorry you have to be here with us, Terri.  What people come up to say because they think they have to (I've been telling people they don't have to say anything in hopes they catch on I don't want to hear it) I feel is a result of well intentioned need, usually, to try and fix us.  As time went by I got stronger to tell people to stop trying to fix something they cannot.  I've even asked some people to stop asking how I am.  The usual....how are you that starts so many conversations. 

As Brat said, I will always consider myself married.  If the world thinks I am nuts, I could care less.  It's the only thing I have left to keep me going and there are many times I want to give up.  I hate the words widow and widower and I am certainly not single either.  I am mourning that I will never see or share anything on this plane with my best friend again.  

So, to those that feel the need to say things you find uncomfortable or annoying, I hope you get to a place you can tell them that so you can end that part of the process that does absolutely nothing to help.  I've told people the best gift they can give is to listen if I need to talk.  And I will tell them when that is. 

[Gwenivere]

10 hours ago, Marg M said:

Myself, I would have preferred Billy had left me for another woman than the way he left.  I also wish I had been the one who left first.  I think I have too much time to think. I am selfish.  

Marg, Steve and I separated twice in 39 years.  At the time I thought it was the worst thing that ever happened.  But now I see that there was one major obvious difference...he was alive.  Even during those times we communicated.  When a person leaves your life for any other reason but death, it may hurts deeply, but knowing they still live and breathe makes this parting so excruciating.  I also wish it had been me who left this life first.  Many feel that is selfish.  I don't care.  The thought of the time I have to stay here knowing I will never see him again in it is crushing.   Steve wanted to spare me this, but that was not in either of our control.  The ideal would gap have been to go together, but odds are bad on that.  It's all part of the process.  Guilt, anger, selfishness, the list goes on and on.  At the start I was so relieved he was finally free from all the pain.  Now at 16 months, I want the same thing.  I have lived with that monster that slowly ate away at our lives for almost 7 years now.  I don't feel at all bad about wanting some solace.  

[Gin]

At the beginning of this terrible journey, I wished I had gone first.  Then I realized what a mess Al would have been in.  He was almost completely blind, could barely walk, could not drive.  Who would have helped him?  No one I know of.  He would have hated a nursing home.  Between the two of us, we got along reasonably well.   So, if we could not both go at the same time, I guess this was the kindest for Al.  Certainly not for me.