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If You're Going Through Hell


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LOL!!!! Gwen, that thought about the trespassing sign actually went through my head!! :D This is why, when people feel bad that I'm alone and ask if I have any family that "helps" me, they don't realize that there really are some things worse than being alone! Allowing yourself, in your grief, to become dependent on someone who is controlling and abusive is one of those things and I won't allow it! Paul wouldn't want that for me either. 

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Marita and Joyce...

I know what you mean about the world seeming to be less polite, less compassionate and less "decent" for lack of a better word. The thing is, this world has been headed in that direction for a long time. Long before we lost our beloved. We just didn't notice it as much. But now, we've lost our "buffer". Reality seems much harsher, much colder than before. We only have our own inner thoughts swirling in our head.

I work with the public and believe me, I could write a book about the things I've seen and heard over the years. At work, of course, I have to grin and bear the insane reality we live in. I used to love coming home and talking about some of those crazy sights and sounds with Tammy. Sometimes I would make Tammy laugh with my stories. Sometimes she would calm me down after I recounted a particularly bothersome event. But, it just felt better to be with someone you loved (who loved you back) and sharing your day with them. Home sweet home was so much sweeter with my Tammy.

Now alone, everything just seems so "off" and so meaningless.

 

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You touch on a point Mitch. Things sure do seem different when you are dealing with it alone. You say you deal with the public so I assume there were days when you had just about all you could take. I have had those days as well yet I used to be able to go home where she was waiting to sooth it all away. We don't have that any longer do we?

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I was about to suggest that he doesn't have any idea how this feels and then I read further and was totally stymied!  He sounds a challenge to deal with, for sure.  I suppose the fact he shows up at all shows he cares, but the part that really galled me was his saying Paul didn't matter!  I think I would have yelled, "OUT!  OUT! OUT!" pointing the way, when I heard those words!  You don't need this strife.  I guess now you'll have to talk to the neighbors about the lawn care, I hope that works out well for you.  I'm going to have to do something else about my lawn next year I guess, my lawnmowers broke so I donated them for scrap, I couldn't get anyone interested in looking at them for me.  I don't have $ to buy another one.  My neighbor was mowing my lawn but he broke the transmission on his riding mower.  The dandelions are a little high but the grass isn't too bad, one patch is higher than the rest but I can probably address that with the weed-whacker.  Yet it's interesting that the county can let theirs grow five feet high and that's okay?  Go figure!

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Mitch, it's true. Facing everything in life is easier when you're part of a team, when you face it together. 

Joyce, I know Dale and Paul would be proud of the two of us. I'm kind of hoping they're standing beside us in some way, giving us extra strength when we need it.

Kay, yeah, you have no idea how petty and immature this guy can be. He's been this way ever since my sister first started going with him back around 1967 or 68. The funny thing is, there were times after he issued that "apology" a few months ago, saying he treated me badly right after Paul had died and should be shamed of himself, that I suspected the apology was less than sincere. I even said that to him once when he was trying to take over things before I was ready to tackle them. I'm not sure why he felt all my vehicles and my yard and everything around the house has to be tackled within a very short period of time. He doesn't live here. And if I'm okay with something as it is, that's ALL that matters. I spoke with my goddaughter this evening and she, too, was outraged by what my BIL said about Paul. She told me that my BIL is attempting to belittle and demean me so I will think I can't do it without his help, he's toxic and has to go! LOL! So wise for 27! I'm expecting the lawn guys back in two weeks. I went outside and spoke with them myself to figure out payment, the schedule, etc. Guess my BIL was wrong when he told me that it;s harder for "girls" to speak with lawn people than a mAN. Uh....why? You ask them to look at your lawn, tell you how much and you say yes or no! Seems easy enough to me. Kay, aren't dandelions technically flowers? You're naturescaping for the pollinators---bees, birds, bats! :) You are a brave woman handling a weed whacker on our own. I'm not even sure how to start one up and I'm sure my legs would be in need of medical care with the string marks I'd have all over from whacking my calves instead of the weeds! lol

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3 hours ago, TerriL said:

You have no idea how restrained I am being right now

Well WW, i really admire restraint.  You don't have any idea how much I admire it.  What I admire most is a big old haymaker to the right jaw.  But, no, you cannot do that.  I know you want to, but buying a new pair of dentures is expensive, not to mention bail.  So, I guess we will have to go with restraint.  (You are a mean one Mrs. Mims). You could plead temporary insanity.  I think that would apply to me all the time.   

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Rule for weed whackers... wear long pants to protect your legs and googles to protect your eyes.  

For Lawn care and vehicle maintenance advice, visit your church or any local church and ask if there are deacons to assist a widow with some chores.  That is the purpose of the church and deacons are called to help the widows.  If they say no go to the next church and say, " I'm doing research to see if your church will help widows?"  That is one of the tests of a truly faithful and obedient church.  I am a deacon and able to serve many people both members and non-members. - Shalom

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Terri - yes I do believe Paul and Dale are standing beside us or at least within us and we can draw off their strength that they had when dealing with things.  They were a part of our life for so long that we started to think like them and they like us, so they are in our brain...lol.

Joyce

 

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To all the great women on here I think our awesome husbands would be telling us they are proud of what we are doing, if they could.  

To all the great men on here I'm sure your darling wives were and are very proud to be your brides.  

Terri, your brother in law is an absolute jerk.  I'm so impressed that you aren't letting him continue such abusive behaviour.  He must have a highly inflated image of himself and should be ashamed of his actions and words.  You might want to advise him that you could have him formally charged for abusing you verbally and emotionally.  Yes to a no trespassing sign!

It's so great to hear/read all the really smart comments on here.  I have never read anything I would call ignorant. B)

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Marita, tonight, I padlocked the gates on each side of my house. I made sure I had the proper keys to them first! LOL It wouldn't prevent someone climbing over but it would make taking anything more difficult and make more noise if they had to keep doing it that way. I agree that the people on here should know how proud their spouses are, even when we all think we're dropping the ball. This is no picnic and it seems like it would be so much easier to give up sometimes, but we have to try to keep going. 

Thank you all for the words of encouragement today and for having my back when it came to my standing up to my BIL. I saw how badly he treated my father after my mom had died, but my dad lived in my BIL's rental property so my BIL got to call all the shots. There was nothing my father could do. My BIL told me that if my dad moved out, he'd have the place fixed up and rented again so fast, it would make my dad's head spin. There's no way he'd let my dad back in because he wasn't making enough of a profit. My sister would always let her husband deal with everything and turn a blind eye to it. That keeps her looking innocent. I think my BIL thought he could get away with treating me badly, too, except I push back. Hard. And all he can do about it is stay home. 

George, that's great advice about the churches and deacons! I had never thought about that! They might also have someone or at least know someone who does handyman kind of work, too. 

 

 

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SW, neither one of us would ever be able to bail the other out because I have a feeling we'd be sitting next to each other in the same cell! We'd probably be laughing, saying "It was worth it!" LOL!! No, your honor! I don't suffer from insanity. I quite enjoy it! :) 

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Joyce, I think you're on to something about our husbands being in our brains! Just the other day, I saw something on TV and I spoke to it like Paul used to! Lol I even said the same thing he would have. I was thinking he was laughing at me, saying, "See? Now you're starting to get it!" ;) 

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Gin, my heart is with you.  This month is 10 for me too.  We miss them.  I quit counting weeks.  I don't know if I will live long enough to count years.  I don't care.  

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1 hour ago, TerriL said:

I'm trying to not think about how fast October

I will pay my bills on October 1st.  I will have trick or treat candy for kids on the 31st..  Between the 1st and 31st, I will numb/dumb down.  And to think, October was spent in Arkansas looking for the prettiest places where the leaves were changing.  I am back in Louisiana with the swamps, no mountains.  I am again a flatlander.  

I read each day from A Grief One Day at a Time.  It is put together and commented on by Alan D..Wolfelt, PhD.  Part of what he said today is this: "We don't have to try to hang onto our grief, though.  It has marked us.  It's part of who we are.  We can't move on without it any more than we could move on without our elbows and knees."

I met a woman yesterday, about my age in the psychiatrist's office where I  had taken my daughter.  My daughters car was being worked on.  I was only too happy to take her.  She would have done the same for me.  My kids sometimes are problems, but I think they probably think that about their mom also.  Both are having relationship problems.  But, this woman, she lost her husband 13 years ago.  She teared up talking about him.  He had had a bone marrow transplant and was in remission from leukemia.  Something about red cells, white cells, oxygen getting to the cells, and he was doing okay.  A neighbors house caught fire.  A little three year old was playing with the cigarette lighter left around by the mother. (Guns are not the only weapons that kill).  Her husband ran into this house to try to save the little girl.  I don't know where her parents were.  Something about the smoke, the lack of good oxygen made him get out of remission and he died.  She said she blamed that mother for so many years, and the cigarette lighter.  The little girl lingered 2-3 days and died also. He died a hero, but he was still just as dead.  It reminded me, I blamed the whole state of Arkansas.

We have to forgive a lot of things, and most of all we have to forgive ourselves.  Those are words on a page, I put them, I understand them, just not ready to practice what I preach.    

 

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Yes Marg we do have to forgive. As they say, guilt is the gift that keeps on giving and how hard it is to let that one go.

When you hear a story of someones loss, does it effect you more now?  I've heard the phrase "I feel your pain" but I never understood the concept like I do today. So many grieving souls walking around. I didn't see most of them before and I had no idea of the numbers.

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Terri, weed-whackers have a shield on them and you hold it out, away from you.

George, my church is all elderly in worse shape than me, including the deacons, so no help there!  They used to help people before they all got so old and decrepit.

Sure wish I knew a good handyman!  I've been asking around but still haven't found one yet.

Marg, try not to think about October yet, it's a couple of months away.  I'd eat all of the halloween candy!

 

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I felt her pain Steve.  After 13 years, I saw her tears.  It is similar to the horror of 09/11.  We might not have been there, but we now feel the pain of all those families who lost their loved ones.  And, we know, the families are still in pain.  And, so are we.  And now when we hear of death, we think about the ones that are left behind and we feel their pain.

Again, the same as in 1621, John Donne's poem hits me, as it always did, but now on a personal level. "Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee."  

The woman yesterday lost her mom and dad to an accident when she was 26.  I still have my mom at 95.  No, I do not have her, Alzheimer's has her.  It holds her prisoner.  The little bag of bones hurts now and the narcotics keep her asleep most of the time.  Life and death to me are a riddle with no answers.

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Anyone here get up in the morning and think, "Now what?"  I do not have any desire to clean or sort thru stuff.  Tired of TV.  No one available to call.  I went to the service station and got my oil checked.  I have had an oil leak and have been afraid to go far.  All looked OK.  "Now What"?  The day seems so long.  Life seems so pointless.

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Gin, I am always glad to get up in the morning without the disappointment of some mornings thinking Billy is right beside me.  It seems like that is such a let-down and terrible start to the day.  Thinking/dreaming he is there and then realizing he is not still happens.  Not as often.  It would seem like a comfort, but the realization that he is gone just starts the day with a downer mood.  The mood is never happy, but sometimes it is numb.  I don't have to think.  I don't know what phenomenon makes a person "not think" but I don't mind having it sometimes.  

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Gin, I have spent so much time feeling What Now.  It makes me want to scream, maybe I should try screaming.   I changed my mind, I will have some ice scream instead.

Life sure does throw some curve balls.  When I don't know what to do with myself I put an audio book on and go to sleep.  I am fortunate that grief doesn't follow me there.  I'm hoping that you will feel more enthusiasm by the time you read this.  Sending you hugs.

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I am thinking that "community services" with the city may have referrals for yard work or home repairs. There may also be some teens looking for summer work. For the most part, I can still take care of my yard. I have a new weedeater and mower I bought last year. Am trying to get my yard in order before the 10th which is the deadline for the stupid citation I got from the city. My grandson was all set to mow this morning and it poured.  It has been raining intermittenly for about a week, so have been doing it in between. It irks me to have to weedeat the sidewalk, but it is what it is.

I no longer wonder "Now What", because for me there is nothing. I am not living, simply existing.

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