If You're Going Through Hell

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Gin said:

October was the 1 yr. anniversary of Al's death and Friday would have been our 16th wedding anniversary.  These times are so hard!  It is dark here around 5 and the evening seems so very long.

Oh Gin, I am so sorry you are being hit by these most painful dates.  I don't think hey would be easier in sunny months, but there is something about the darkness that just adds to the intensity.

[Gwenivere]

Thank you all of your replies.  That meant so much to read when I got home.  The apt. went better than I anticipated.  Isn't that always the way?  I left with a headache because I had gotten myself all worked up and talking openly with a real life human always gets me caught up in my emotions.  He really listened and we have another apt. next week.  One thing he said I found very interesting was a reference to the crucifixion of Christ.  It wasn't said for religious reasons but to illustrate a point.   One day a man is brutally murdered.  2 days later there is wonderment and relief.  But what about the Saturday in between?  His point being we are in that Saturday not knowing what or if our pain for this man will ever lessen.  Of course that Saturday is longer than a day.  Never would have thought about that.  

You are all wonderful and caring people.  I thank whatever karma I did right to find you!  

[Margm]

Gin, I'm sorry there are those triggers.  Sometimes they come on important days, sometimes just a familiar sight, sound, or smell.  The stupid time change put me down for two days.  Sometimes the reality just is not supposed to be.  

I like salty, then sweet.  Sometimes I eat my dessert first.  Unfortunately I just like to eat.  

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I'm in BC and yes, it is dark too early  I have to use the Braille method of picking horse poop! .  It's really crappy when I trip and land in it... yes, it does happen occasionally.

Now THAT is one of the best puns ever.  

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Why is this posted for others to read?

It wasn't posted for others to read, it was a private message.  But still, my phone number hasn't changed in 40 years, she could pick up the phone and call me.

[kayc]

Gwen, I'm glad the appt. went well.  I hope it does what you need and want it to.

[Margm]

Facebook sends memories.  This was November 14, 2014.  Bless his heart, and mine too, we did not know he would not see the next November.  This is my scraggly haired, scraggly bearded mountain man.  If Billy could have lived out a dream without me, he would have been Jeremiah Johnson living back in the mountain man time.  He read every mountain man book I could find for him.  I usually exit out of the memories they send me, but I did not today.  I am looking at my scraggly haired, scraggly bearded Arkansas Jeremiah Johnson.  And, now I am left with that mountain to climb.  The little dickens.  He could hold out his arms and I could walk under them without touching them.  I have not cried.  He is not gone.  Here he is.  See those high cheekbones.  I wish I could touch him and his beautiful blue eyes.

[Widowedbysuicide]

It's a great picture!  You are him and he is you... I like that.

[Margm]

Yeah, if I could grow a beard we would have looked like Mutt and Jeff.

 

[kayc]

Marg,

Those FB memories can be tough.  I'm glad FB wasn't around when George died.  It'd be hard.  (((hugs)))

[KarenK]

Marg,

It is a wonderful picture of your "mountain man". He is truly in his element.

[Margm]

Yes he was, and I hope he is in his element right now too.  He is with his brother (who I loved), his little sister he never met and his older sister (maybe....I didn't like her), and his mom and dad, a bunch of his friends and his best friend.  I've got to think that way.  

[Margm]

Personal things sometimes might not should be mentioned.

Sorry to burden with this, but sometimes Billy's death is not the only hell I go through.  And no, I cannot cry for my mother's death yet, and perhaps someday my daughter will not cry for mine.  So, it is my fault, but I never knew I would pass down my mother's mental illness to my daughter.  I didn't even know Mama had one, when I was a child.  I do now. 

[MartyT]

Oh Marg. How I wish you could let go of that load of guilt you carry on your shoulders, and disabuse yourself of the notion that you are responsible for your daughter's behavior. She is an emancipated adult, after all, and unless her mental state is such that she needs to be in a locked wing of a psychiatric unit, you cannot control her behavior. Just because your daughter tells you this is all your fault does not mean that she is right or that her statement is accurate. You are doing your level best to protect your granddaughter, and I wish you could give yourself credit for that.

[Margm]

“When we pity ourselves all we see is ourselves. When we have problems, all we see are our problems and that's all what we love of talking about. We don't see the good things in our lives.” ― Ann Marie Aguilar

Sometimes I just bleed all over everything.  I can handle it.  I just wish my daughter could get help.  It will just be another case like my mom passing and I cannot cry.  Hey, I made it to this age, with the help of Billy.  I wish that for my granddaughter too.  All you ever want is for your kids to be happy. 

[kayc]

Marty took the words right out of my mouth.  This is not your fault.  Why not file the restraining order now, you've been through this for so long, if you keep putting it off, it will just continue wreaking devastation on you.  You want to be there for your granddaughter...the sooner you have peace, the better chance of your continuing for her.  It's not a vote against your daughter, it's a rejection of her abuse.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  From what I'm hearing from people (myself included), this was a really horrid week.  

[Patty65]

On 11/12/2016 at 5:10 AM, Marg M said:

Billy's death is not the only hell I go through.

This loss of ours takes so many forms, and makes all the rest of the hells that we go through are so much harder.  Harder than my business is having nobody to come home and vent and problem solve with, to cry and scream with over the the harshness of life that keeps on going irrespective of our loss of anyone to go through it with.  It just sucks.

 

On 11/12/2016 at 7:11 AM, Marg M said:

“When we pity ourselves all we see is ourselves. When we have problems, all we see are our problems and that's all what we love of talking about. We don't see the good things in our lives.” ― Ann Marie Aguilar

Actually I don't see us as pitying ourselves for our problems... I see it more like being kind to ourselves in our ultra-extreme pain at trying to get through any day without our Love, our echo, our sounding board, our best friend...  In fact I kinda see having pity for ourselves and talking about our problems in this new alien world, is the only way to find our way through this barbed wire covered path we are trying to navigate. One careful but painful step at a time.  Absolutely exhausting. And we got dropped off in the middle of the path the day our nightmares began.  No direction but through.  Again it just sucks.

The only shows I can manage to watch are political comedies.  The news straight-up is just too hard to handle.  At the end of John Oliver's show this week, which was his last episode of this horrible year, he did an "anti-tribute" to 2016, that he called  " *#$! 2016 " and in between repeating his expletives, he showed all the horrible things that happened this year, and all the wonderful public figures who are now gone.  Gosh did I start sobbing.  It was Anger at this year, every last day of it,  and while his documentation of the bad year was different than mine, to hear that out there --- powerfully validating and painful. 

Patty

[Gin]

AL and I always hosted Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Easter, and summer cookouts.  Well, no more.  I have had too many health issues this year.  I was invited to my daughter's in-laws, but I declined.  That whole crowd is very crude and prejudiced.  I do not care to spend the day with them.  My other daughter is not available.  I arranged with a friend to go out for dinner.  She just finished chemo and radiation and will be alone.  I went to the health club today and listened to everyone talking about their upcoming holiday.  Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday.  Now I will basically spend it alone.  When we hosted it, I would always include folks who would be alone.  I just do not have the energy to cook and clean.  Maybe next year, or maybe never.  It is not the same without Al.  We cooked and cleaned together.

[Margm]

Reading the book of a noted psychiatrist right now, (on losing her doctor husband),  I noted all of our feelings.  She works at probably the most noted teaching hospitals in the US. She went back to work after a month.  She had to pass the dreaded oncology building every day.  A colleague asked her once to review a paper he was writing.  She said "my husband just died."  He said "it has been three months."  She is bipolar and he helped her so much with that.  My heart goes out to all of us.  

I noted she could not concentrate either.  She did like me, and possibly you too, start a new book, another, and another, reading a paragraph, starting another book, another, finishing none.  Concentration is gone, and some times can be dangerous. 

I have mixed feelings about remarriage.  This woman remarried, another colleague.  Some of my friends remarried.  Why wouldn't I want people to be happy?  Do I suspect they can really never be happy?  The woman I met at Walmart, married a former classmate and said "it is not the same," I think one of my good friends is happier than with her deceased husband, (we had got them together).  What works for one does not work for another.   

I am writing another word salad.  I certainly want all of us to regain just a small sliver of happiness anyway we can.  Peace.

[Patty65]

11 minutes ago, Gin said:

 It is not the same without Al.

I know that is a total understatement for you, (((Gin))). Even though I hear it is not advised to be alone or nearly alone through these things, sometimes it feels easier, way easier... than grinning and bearing it.  I'm invited to my business partner's and I don't want to go.  I probably won't, or if I do, I will put on my armour for an hour and go and eat, or pretend to, so that I don't have to listen to the lectures about being alone.  Thanksgiving is the third strike -- our 10 year anniversary this Saturday, 9 month mark on Wednesday, Thanksgiving on Thurs. 

[Gwenivere]

It really does suck, Patty, when once special days pile up on each other.  I just did the date of his death, his birthday, next is Thanksgiving and my birthday the day after and then the haul thru Christmas and our anniversary in January.  It will be my 3rd though them, but the first was in shock, don't even remember, last year I wasn't as depressed and i really don't know how I will fare this year.  We get thru, but at what cost?  

[Margm]

3 hours ago, Patty65 said:

On 11/12/2016 at 11:11 AM, Marg M said:

“When we pity ourselves all we see is ourselves. When we have problems, all we see are our problems and that's all what we love of talking about. We don't see the good things in our lives.” ― Ann Marie Aguilar

 

I think I must have put that there out of frustration.  I really don't need to go into it, I wrote enough above and I did delete some I had written.  I guess I was feeling sorry for myself.  Billy was always my buffer.

[KarenK]

Once again, I will strive to be thankful for those who are here with me and the material things that I have, such as food on the table and a roof over my head. My butcher friend at Albertsons was kind enough to search out a smaller turkey for us. I certainly didn't need a 20 pounder.  It will be my 3rd Thanksgiving without Ron cooking his special Thanksgiving meal. I can struggle through, fixing an edible meal without all the "from scratch" items he so lovingly prepared. It won't be the same. It will never again be the same, but it is sufficient. Perhaps that is a good description of my life now. SUFFICIENT, for now anyway. The future is a mystery......

Every so often, something nice happens to me. After church on Sunday, I decided to visit the Fountain Hills Arts & Crafts Show(about 20 miles away). I certainly wasn't going to buy anything as items are VERY expensive, but it was a nice day for a drive. I stopped at the booth of a local fine jewelry store to relate that I had bought a dragon ring from them some 40 odd years ago. They were giving keys to a small treasure chest with jewelry inside. Mine was one of the keys that worked and inside the box I chose was a Four Peaks Amethyst ring. It is small, but a beautiful color. Four Peaks Mine is east of the valley and is the last commercial amethyst mine in North America.  I had been perusing the very rings in the showcase, so this was a pleasant surprise.

[Patty65]

It's so hard not to have that buffer, Marg.  I miss it so much too.

[MartyT]

Karen, my dear, I'm so glad to learn that something nice happened to you today. I used to live in Fountain Hills, and the amethyst is my birthstone ~ which has nothing to do with anything  ~ I'm just happy for you, because you so deserve a nice surprise like that.  ♥