If You're Going Through Hell

[Gwenivere]

16 hours ago, KarenK said:

I would love to get in my truck, turn up the music, and just drive. Don't like interstates or big cities. Just the back roads and small towns. Find new, interesting places. I always want to see what's just over the next hill. I'm not afraid. I just can't afford it. I'm lost in loneliness and boredom, I guess.

Karen, I wish you had the resources to get out and maybe find some relief.  Lost in loneliness, boredom and sadness is my life now.  The holidays are pounding that into my head mercilessly.  I try and shut them out to a level I can handle, but that is impossible with such intense need of manufacturers to emphasize how this is 'the most wonderful time of the year'.  I miss when it was.  Tho, I felt that every day when Steve was here.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, Marg M said:

Gwen, I cannot swim, but to me you are just treading water.  Are the panic attacks so bad they will not let you drive?  Doesn't the Xanax help with the panic attacks?  I hate to see you a prisoner in your own home. 

The Xanax is what gives me freedom to not be a prisoner.  I'm going to have to increase my doses more tho.  All this happy, happy, joy, joy stuff with the holidays and being alone are making the disorder more unpredictable.  Also I have had several very needed counseling sessions cancelled and see how helpful they are.  Very bad timing for that to happen.  It's no ones fault, just life.  But that is a big part of the struggle in this grief stuff.  I don't respond rationally many times.  

[Margm]

 "Rationality" has different specialized meanings in economics, sociology, psychology, evolutionary biology, and political science."

Rational is so boring.  My habit is to jump,  I never look or think it through, I just jump.  Jumped into marriage and woke up many nights thinking I had got out of the frying pan into the fire.  Turns out that jump worked out okay, but it sure took a lot of work.  I jumped into moving away from that house that was so quiet I knew I would die from the loudness of that quiet.  I am needed, some times too much.  Sometimes I resent it.  I have fear so much and I sit around and have no idea what I am afraid of, but sometimes I feel I am having a heart attack because I will be so scared I have to take deep breaths and I fight taking a Xanax.  I am alone.  I have people around me but I am alone.  It is not like being alone in a big house, it is like having lots of people depending on me.  I am old.  I am supposed to have people I can depend on.  One woman asked me if I went to get Ferris-Yaris by myself and of course I did.  One day I decided I was a danger to other vehicles with that damn truck bed.  I don't judge distances good.  So, off I go and jump and buy Ferris-Yaris. 

Gwen, being rational is so overrated.  We are not living a rational life.  I don't advise anyone to leap before they look, like I do, and I just am not jumping so high anymore anyhow.  But so far, I don't regret but a few things.............nah, I don't regret nothing.  I would do it all over again.   I just miss him.

I don't have any answers to our lonesomeness.  I don't want any of you being where you don't want to be, but how can any of us be where we want to be anyhow.  Anniversaries, holidays, seven days of the week, any day, birthdays, they are all the same.  We have a vacancy that can never be filled.  

[kayc]

On 12/6/2016 at 9:23 AM, Marg M said:

I did what I was not supposed to do and I keep on doing this.  

There IS not such thing!  You did what you feel is right for you, and I hope you keep on doing this!

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

All this happy, happy, joy, joy stuff with the holidays and being alone are making the disorder more unpredictable.

I have always heard it said, "Fake it until you make it."  but an article in The Register Guard (yesterday?) said a study by a university (Michigan) on authenticity said if we put on a fake smile it leaves us feeling worse, not better, so that dispels that theory!

I think the "Fake it until you make it" applies more aptly to the "keeping going", but NOT to presenting yourself fakely as "happy".  When I was a kid we learned a song, "If you're happy and you know it, say Amen!"...perhaps if you're unhappy and you know it you could say "Bah Humbug!" (which I dared have on my handmade Grinch Christmas cards this year).

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Lost in loneliness, boredom and sadness is my life now.  The holidays are pounding that into my head mercilessly.  I try and shut them out to a level I can handle, but that is impossible with such intense need of manufacturers to emphasize how this is 'the most wonderful time of the year'.  I miss when it was.

I like this time of year, even though it's changed completely for me...it used to be surrounded by family, big dinners, opening presents, and church.  The only part that remains is church, and that's IF I can drive there!  No longer able to drive at night, I miss most of the fun and festivities.  My life is alone, all about being alone.  The kids don't come home, there's no presents under the tree and the only one to have dinners with me are the two beggars (Arlie and Kitty) sitting close in proximity to me as I eat the same old boring healthy fare.  BUT I love putting up the tree and decorations, I do it in George's honor, as he loved everything about every holiday, every season.  I have all of his special ornaments on the tree and his stocking hanging next to mine...and I like to think he is here with me in spirit, enjoying seeing what I've done.  I like to think his spirit is sitting with me as I watch the Christmas movies.  Perhaps it's like someone reading romance novels when they're all alone in their marriage...for a moment they can escape in fantasy what they are missing...I don't know, but each of us must handle this the best way we can for ourselves, whether it's to embrace it all...or dispel it.
I DO avoid shopping though.  You won't catch me in a mall in December.  Not only are the roads to the valley treacherous, I hate shopping, parking, traffic and avoid it all.  If I need something, I can push a button on line and have it come right to my door.   Thank God for internet days!
If George was alive we'd go to the bridge lighting, Christmas caroling, wouldn't miss a church service, make Christmas cookies and eggnog and have friends in.  But those days are gone and I've gotten used to this, even though it's definitely not my preference...it is what it is.

[MartyT]

What I like about what you said, Kay, is that you do what you do not just in George's honor (which is wonderful) but also because it makes you feel good. In other words, you do it for YOU, because you know that you deserve it, and you know that you are worth it. And if no one else is going to do it for you, you'll find a way to do it yourself. This to me is a great example of loving yourself.

I so admire your determination and spunk, often in the face of insurmountable odds.  ♥

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I have always heard it said, "Fake it until you make it."  but an article in The Register Guard (yesterday?) said a study by a university (Michigan) on authenticity said if we put on a fake smile it leaves us feeling worse, not better, so that dispels that theory!

I've tried this tactic and for while it worked.   Not so anymore.  I don't walk around like a grinch, but I've noticed that I'm less interactive and slower to smile.  It was making me feel worse because chance encounters would have the person thinkng was a 'normie' and lead to some happy have a great day kind of parting.  Of course, this is normal socializing.  Whether it's the holidays or my path has taken a different turn (I think it is both, bad timing there), I can't even summon the energy beyond being cordial.  At the grocery store yesterday I mentioned to a woman it looked like she was planning some baking by what she was buying.  That led into her telling me about the special cookies for the holidays.  *sigh*  Its impossible to live thu this month as an ostrich, but sure getting harder for people like me to bear the day to day repeat of reminders when I go out and even at home.  It creates quite the dilemma.  On top of it all, I have noticed the dog that was Steve's and mine is getting more depressed and isolating.  It dawned on me that everything in the life she knew has changed drastically.  No more trips to the park, evenings are me trying to fill time with TV or movies.  She and I were used to  much more family environment that included her sister and Steve.   I feel helpless watching her as it is like seeing myself.  The new dog knows nothing different so she is happy.  Again, rambling as I go thru another day.  

[Polly]

I used to love this time of year. Not so much anymore. I ended up buying one of those pencil trees just so it wouldn't take too much to decorate. I only decorated because of my daughter that is 17. Last Sat. was her 17th birthday. The couple of years before Richard passed, he started a tradition of taking her to the big mall that is 45 minutes away for her birthday and would let her pick out whatever she wanted. Last year and this year, I carried on that tradition. It was hard but I did it. Almost had a breakdown on the escalator in one of the stores though. There was a couple around my age in front of us and they were holding hands. It made me very sad that I don't have that anymore. Richard always held my hand.

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Polly said:

There was a couple around my age in front of us and they were holding hands. It made me very sad that I don't have that anymore. Richard always held my hand.

I know, I encounter this too and it makes me very wistful.  We were supposed to grow old together, that was the plan.  We'd even purchased the porch swing so we could look out on our back yard together.  Sigh...

[Margm]

It is ironic how our thoughts are the same, yet they differ on many things.  I look at those happy older people and I think "one of them is going to go through this pain."  I look at them with pity.  I am happy they still have each other, but I know soon, one will be hurting.  Genet and Jerry, our friends through our children, enjoying each other's company so much.  Jerry left at Thanksgiving.  My heart is with Genet.  

We know my mama could be a witch at times.  Actually, her name meant witch/sorceress.  After Daddy passed away  she was still in her 60's, she did date a friend from her high school years a few times.  She was a knockout in looks and had a sword for a tongue.  A little plump woman had just married a widower in their "circle" of acquaintances.  She was telling Mama how nice she looked (and she was meaning since she just lost her husband).  And Mama, in her blue jeans, shirt tucked in, and sneakers did look pretty.  She huffed and said something to the order of "well you would too if you would just push away from the table."  Those were not her words, but the ones she said were so unkind that they meant the same.  I don't know if that was just Mama's "way" or if she was jealous of the woman for remarrying.  Personally, knowing my mama so well, I figure if she had been born in another time and place, she never would have married.  She would have been the business woman, that she wanted to be.    The man she dated, she put him aside and he worshiped her from afar.  I think he had done this while she was married too.  Mama didn't like him because he "put her up on a pretzel."  I loved her way with words sometimes.  She would have been a good sidekick to Norm Crosby, if I remember him right.  

I wish we all could still be holding hands, but you know that one of them will feel our pain and I envy them so much the less for that.  

I read where a man came into the house, his wife had had a heart attack, I guess, he was trying to give her CPR and passed away while trying.  Now, in my screwed up brain, that is what I envy, they left at about the same time.  But Billy said the one left must stay.  He knew me so well.  I wanted to follow him.

[kayc]

I'm with you, Marg, I consider it fortunate that a close couple get to go together.  Maybe not so great for the kids and grandkids, but for them.

[Margm]

It would be double grief for those left and still would be some sort of relief also that their parents, grandparents, were so close they did not want to be alone.  Doug Flutie's parents died one hour apart.  My friend's brother-in-law passed and at the "viewing" his wife had a heart attack and died.  I am sorry, I thought this was a show of utmost support from the other person, not being able to live without the other one.  I read such things to Billy, but I honestly think he had more time to think about this, you see, I think I was not expected to live and it was touch and go for months.  But they did not tell me I was supposed to go.  Anyhow, he said the one left must stay.  And, I admit, it kinda hurt my feelings.  And, I so wanted to follow him.  And, I was not thinking about anyone but me.  And then amazingly, you sometimes get a reason that you have to try to hang on a while longer.  So, maybe Billy was right.  He would be doing exactly what I am doing, only from a 23 foot RV, and she prefers more room.  So, he may have had to change his plans.  Will never know.  

[MartyT]

Your granddaughter is blessed to have you in her life, dear Marg, and I've a feeling that your Billy knows that, too.  ♥

[Margm]

We were both so blessed to have her in ours, and I wish we could have protected her from some of the bad she had to endure, I think sometimes you learn.  My mom treated my sister and me the same way.  She could not help herself, we did not know it at the time, but it was mental abuse.  Sometimes you learn lessons from your parents though.  Luckily I didn't suffer my mom's mental illness and so sorry my daughter did.  Billy's family never said "I love you" at any time in their life.  I felt so sorry for kids that were beat down and was determined mine were not going to be, and Billy said "I love you" a hundred times a day, to me, to his siblings, his children, my folks, and my folks did not say it much either.  I know my granddaughter did not inherit that "mean gene" because she was adopted.  And, from Billy and me, she learned to love and be loved, so she willl pass that on to her children.  

[MartyT]

There is no greater gift you could pass on to her than that one, dear Marg . . .  ♥

[Gin]

My Grandson is 24 and has started to have seizures.  Had a bad one yesterday.  8 stitches in forehead and dislocated his shoulder.  They went to a neurologist today, but I still have not heard how he is.  I call and text and nothing.  They started him on anti seizure meds.

[Margm]

I'm sorry Gin.  Please let us know how he is doing.  They may be in an area that they cannot use their phone.  Some areas make you turn them off.  They will see that you called and get back in touch with you.  Again, let us know how he is doing.  

[kayc]

That's true, when I'm in the hospital, my phone usually does not work.
Gin, I'm sorry, I'll pray for your grandson too.  It's sad that there is so much sadness around us...

[Gin]

My grandson, Mike, is diagnosed with epilepsy.  He finally got a job as an accountant a few months ago.  We all know that things do not always go the way we want them to.   He has to go in for a more intensive EEG in a few weeks.

[MartyT]

Now that you have a diagnosis, I pray that your grandson's condition will be controlled with medication, Gin. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Take care Gin.  Thinking of you at this frightening time and hoping you will find some peace soon.

[kayc]

Gin, hoping all goes well for your grandson.  My uncle had it and I'm thankful we've come a long ways since those days, they can usually control it.

[Margm]

Gin, I worked four years in the EEG lab at the teaching hospital.  They cannot get an accurate EEG after a seizure..  What they call the "postictal" state is the most scary because they seem lifeless..  Brianna had them as a baby if her fever would go high.  My daughter has some that do not show up on EEGs, called stress seizures.  They like to wait until they are seizure-free to do an accurate EEG and tell what part of the brain the seizure is coming from.  My daughter will go into a seizure if she is given a steroid.  Luckily my granddaughter outgrew hers and her EEGs afterwards were free of any irregularity.  They are very scary to the people that witness them, but they can be controlled now and live a normal life with medication.  To the parents though, and friends, witnessing one is very scary.   My daughter took too much Wellbutrin,  a known antidepressant that can cause seizures.  One made her feel good and this retired nurse decided more than one would make her feel great.  She can no longer take this medicine, which really is a good antidepressant without  the side effects of others, if you take it right.  She was student body president of her college and was giving a speech to visiting politicians and other people when she had her first one at the podium.  

[Gin]

Marg,

if he is on anti seizure drugs, will an EEG show up anything?  The doc wants him to wait 2-3 weeks to get another one.  Sometimes life gets a bit tiring.