If You're Going Through Hell

[Gwenivere]

I agree with you, Brad.  I'm not looking for love.  I just so miss having someone to share with.  The contact I get with people is so limited.  Many times it is not the interactive stuff too.  It's them telling me about thier lives.  I don't have a lot to offer being alone.  It's more like exchanging news rather than interactive personally with each other.

Im not a shy person, I just don't know after all these years how you 'make friends' when most everyone has their families and social schedules in place.  I've tried, but people have their lives already full.  Steve brought people into ours so I was exposed to many social situations.  I was content, like Kay, taking care of the house, bills and found my biggest need for human intact with him.  I had my volunteering and the dog park.  Discussions from what to have for lunch to the crisis's of the world.  Can't tell him about things I experience while away.  Can't hear about things that happened to him.  So, we sit by ourselves.  

Im losing interest in the world because of this.  It's all routine and back to killing time.  Don't even know what I am waiting for.  That's another frustration all together.

[KarenK]

I am out of sorts today. No particular reason, just a blah feeling.

Yesterday, I took 3 boxes of Christmas decorations to the church for them to use and also give to those who needed them. A lot of the things had never been used, like Christmas dishes and candles. I used to imagine having a lovely home all decorated and a beautiful table set with just the right things. That vision never came to pass. I am not complaining as I have known a decent life that included love.

I discovered a long time ago for me, that it is better to expect nothing and therefore never be disappointed. What a sad way to look at life. I went to the church Christmas party last night. All around me were people singing, laughing and conversing. I felt like a bump on a log, an outsider. I felt no joy or comradeship, no common bond. I tried some mulled wine, not to my liking. After a while, I left and came home. Not sure what I had expected to contribute or receive from the event,but my "party animal" no longer exists.

Life goes on.

[Gin]

Karen,

I think my party animal went somewhere with yours.. I have no desire to do any Christmas thing.  People talk, as well they should, about their decorations, trees, baking, etc.. I want to do none of it.  On my way to the store today, I passed the theater we used to attend.  I went to the Dollar Store where we used to shop for the yearly "unbirthday party", that we used to have on Al's birthday.  All these memories in everything you do.  Everywhere you go.  Hard to get in the spirit.

[Margm]

It rained, it was cold, I drove to the clubhouse in the big city.  My friend was afraid to drive in the rain.  She has a big Lincoln, but she did not seem to mind "Ferris Yaris" too much.  I got us there safe.  My nice dressy shoes where completely covered with water, bottom of my pants, my sweater hung cause the rain went to the bottom, but I dried out sorta and had a "good time."  Well, I honestly did not look at my classmates with husbands and wives with despair or dread,  I enjoyed talking to them all and after nearly 56 years they remembered me right off, except one girl I could not think of anything but Glenda.  That was not her name.  

All went well, as well as it could.  I even laughed.  You see, these people were not part of Billy's life.  None of them.  So, they did not remind me of him.  I am just very tired.  And I know someone stole my Cheetos cause they know I am not supposed to eat them.  Right now all I can think about is Cheetos.  You cannot have Cheetos interruptus at my age.

And yes, I own a raincoat that would have been dressy, and I had an umbrella in the back seat.  Once your feet are soaked though, it just does not matter.

[KarenK]

Marg,

I am glad you enjoyed being with your old friends, even if you had to get soaked to do it. I too, am just tired. Tired of fighting life at every turn. I think I feel like my Christmas bear with the angel wings. It plays music to a violin it holds and the wings move and change colors. Only it doesn't anymore. New batteries don't make it work and I don't think they would make me work either. Last year, my beautiful carousel stopped turning. This year it is the bear. Everything(including me) has been well cared for over the years, but there comes a time when none of that matters, I guess.

I got a card today addressed Mr. & Mrs. That stung a bit. It was from a woman I worked with for many years. We were not close but always exchanged cards. I remember getting one from her last year and she had lost her husband of many years. I remember sending her one with condolences and the news of Ron's passing, but people forget if your only contact is once a year. She always made card with pictures of her, Richard and the dogs. Still the smiling girl I remember, just no Richard. Sending cards is not high on my list of priorities now. I used to have them written and ready to mail on Thanksgiving. Times have changed.

[Margm]

1 hour ago, KarenK said:

Tired of fighting life at every turn

It does seem like we are fighting life at every turn.  And, it does not get easier, there just sometimes is a lull where you can numb out.  I admit, my numbing out times are far apart now, and I miss them.  It does not help me to cry and tell him that no matter how much I cry he is not coming back, but he isn't.  We cannot bring any of them back and sometimes I wonder why I am here because I could go at any minute just like Billy did, but I so hope I get a chance to make a difference in this little girl's life.  She deserves it so much.  The other night at Walmart an old fellow with his clothes all askew had a flashlight looking for something in the parking lot.  Luckily he found it before my granddaughter had me and her go help him find it.  I think I have watched too many "Criminal Minds" TV shows and every person is an "unsup."  She has such a kind heart and I hope I can help her some way, help her find her way into a better life, one she can be her own woman.  Even finding a good husband, I cannot do it for her, but I want to help in some little way.  We have no choice, we play the hand we are dealt, whether we like it or not.  

I'm glad I came back home.  He is not here.  But, when I am ready, I will begin going to church again, if I am allowed to live.  Still think faith is my path.  We all have to find our own path of some sort.  And as someone very wise on here said, "one size does not fit all."   "promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."  I sometimes wonder how Robert Frost wrote a word.  I think in his case, in his position in life, in his family, I would have withered up like a vine with no water and died.  But he didn't.  What keeps people moving on I will never know.  But-they-still-do.

[kayc]

I didn't send out Christmas Cards that first year, so many did not know of his passing.  The second year I had to deal with it.  It's hard to tell people over and over again.

My truck wouldn't start yesterday.  I've replaced the alternator and can't tell you how many batteries I've bought, the last one exchanged two weeks ago, warranty is off now.  Something has to be draining the system when it's off.  Put a call through to someone, didn't hear back.  Bad time for this, snow is coming tonight.

This just doesn't get any easier, does it?  I miss my George, I've done enough time, I want him back now!

[KATPILOT]

It doesn't make sense alright Kay. I hope you have a safe night and stay warm. Yeah I would say you've done the time but sadly we never get paroled from this sentence do we? Especially for a crime we didn't commit.

Just a thought for times like this. Could you get a simple battery charger that you could plug in for a few hours? I've used that technique before and I'm sure I'll use it again.

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

I would say you've done the time but sadly we never get paroled from this sentence do we? Especially for a crime we didn't commit.

What a perfect way to phrase it.  I was just reading Froggys new thread and how she feels she has 'rounded a corner' at 2 years while I feel I took an opposite turn.  I know life isn't 'fair', but I also know it isn't out to get us either.  I've read all the stuff it is not about what happens but how we react to it, tho that is more directed at lesser events than the loss of your partner.  I understand why we suffer so having that love yanked from our life.  I struggle every day wondering just how many more I can keep doing this.  I want the love, but I also want the chaos and annoyances.  I hate this life of always consistent bland sameness.   I hate that I fill my time with meaningless things at night just to pass the time.  I hate having to think of things to do when it was once a rarity.  At least we know we are doing time as innocents.  People around us do too, even if they don't fully understand it while the true criminal still wanders free, unfeeling, moving on to others to condemn them to this sentence.  Don't know where I am really going with this except as an outlet for the indescribable pain.

[Margm]

I have a very bad habit of seeing this blank space and just a penchant to fill it up with words.  I don't know why I do this.  Occasionally I will go ahead and post one of my word salads, but all those things that you have seen me write, well folks, you cannot imagine how much I delete.  I am just a frustrated writer with no order to my thoughts.  So, if I have these same words somewhere else, just ignore this.  If I go back and read what I have posted, sometimes I delete some of it too.  

I also try to read how famous people write about their grief.  And, I am hypocritically judgmental if someone finds someone else.  I know, I know, how could I begrudge someone their happiness.  (I'm really not that mean a person......yes I am).  I read histories of famous people and Mary Todd Lincoln was mental, and she lost her children, and her husband.  I understand her being mental.  My sanity can be questioned at any time and I am probably certifiable 99% of the time.  

I have a friend who has found happiness with a man who treats her "like a queen."  And, she is going to tell me one day how our mutual friend, who Billy knew all his life, hated women.  Not that he liked men, he just obviously did not treat her like she thought she should be treated.  I have finally come to terms with her happiness and I am so glad she found it, but this husband's life hangs by a thread.  How can we go through this more than once???  

I would like to quote Rose Kennedy:  "It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. Time - the mind, protecting its sanity - covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone."    

I have said I am no spring chicken.  Realistically I don't have enough years left to be with another man, no man could measure up to the boy I married and grew up with.  But, there are still some of you out there that might find happiness again.  I know that will raise the ire of many of you.  

But most of all, I wish you, any of you, all of you, just moments of peace.  Moments where you can have memories that do not pierce the heart and brain.  I wish each of you "scar tissue" with time.  

[Brad]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I hate this life of always consistent bland sameness.   I hate that I fill my time with meaningless things at night just to pass the time.  I hate having to think of things to do when it was once a rarity.  

I also am growing tired of the routine; filling minutes..hours with distractors just to make it from morning to night.  My way of coping is to plan trips/outings with family and while they are great distractors they are not something I can do daily or weekly.  I still am alone most of the time.  Each time I start to look for escapes they get bigger.  Heading to Europe for seven weeks in April.  Got my inspiration from a gal in my support group who on a whim grabbed a backpack and hopped a flight to Germany for a couple of months at 82.

I need to take a lesson from Gwen and start volunteering, or join a hiking club or a photography club, something to add a social element to my life, but I am resistant...solitude, while becoming monotonous, is safe and well within my comfort level.

[Froggie4635]

I guess I am completely the opposite.  I LOVE my routine and being alone.  I guess there is no wanderlust in my soul. I still only focus on the present day, not looking too far down the road. I am very fortunate that I have a job that now rarely brings me any stress.  I do get to a point, though, where I lose my concentration ability and I know it is time to take a break; usually every three weeks or so.  I do have times when things are just creeping along, and the day seems so long.  But I also have three dogs who seek out interaction almost all the time.  In the very early times of grief, hunkering down in my home, my safe place, was the most important and necessary thing for me.  I have trouble stepping outside the routine that is my life. Socializing isn't something I think about.  We were such homebodies. Staff meetings practically shut me down.  Big groups overwhelm me. Maybe I am so different from many on here because I am still working, which occupies a good 40 plus hours every week.  When I get home and tend to the dogs, get a bite to eat for myself...evening falls and I am usually ready for bed by 8:30 (I get up before 5 am).  Yesterday I allowed myself to avoid any mandatory tasks that needed done.  It was rainy and chilly.  I put on a warm sweater and Mark's slippers and did whatever my heart wanted.  I wrote, and worked in my studio, shuffled through paper and organized things some.  This morning it was cold and rainy, and I wished I was able to stay home...but duty called.  

[kayc]

I lived alone all my life before I met George.  Oh, I was married to my kids' dad for 23 years, but I was alone in that marriage.  Loveless, no connecting, nothing.  I was always independent and self-sufficient.  I valued my solitude.  But once I met George, life took on a different dimension...that of closeness, sharing, caring, bonding.  I miss that.  I like moments of quiet and solitude, routine...I would be okay with that if I knew he'd walk through that door at some point.  If I knew such and such day he'd be coming home.  That'd make all the difference in the world, then I could do my time and enjoy peace and quiet, while I waited to connect with him again.  Even when he worked nights 75 miles away and stayed close to his job during the four day work week, I knew he'd call when he got up, he'd call when I was getting off work, he'd call when he was on his breaks, I knew he'd be home Friday morning and we'd spend the weekend together.  Not having that to look forward to does change things.

[Cookie]

On ‎12‎/‎02‎/‎2016 at 5:31 PM, Gwenivere said:

Steve was the more typical social one.   Lots of buddies and things to do.  I had my own stuff, but most have vanished thru loss of people and getting older that curtail a lot if activities, one of which was taking the dogs to the park for very long walks.  My park buddies are gone too.  I never thought about how it would be if those and he were gone.  You float along assuming the days will continue as they always have.  I benefited from his social life by people around here to visit and play music.  Our time alone wasn't constantly together, but knowing he was here made all the difference.  I come home now and the place is exactly as I left it.  Nothing to clean up or straighten because, obviously, the place sat idle.  It's also so 'cold'.  What was once a very perfect size house seems so big.  Part of my job was keeping order here and so little to do now.  I don't even have to make the bed.  I slide out and his side is still so perfect.  Everything is extended twice.  Trash every other week, recycle once a month instead of 2 weeks.  All reminders that this is a house that is not shared anymore.  I can't really say I have any good times.  Just times that fill the long hours some days better than others.  I think I get lost in something, but as soon as I walk away I know I am on my own.  Can't share what happened with him so it doesn't stick with me.  I don't get to hear about his stuff.  I only hear from people he knew about how much fun they are having.  The latest was a music get together he would have been at and how fantastic it was. Always hard to respond to.  I never knew true loneliness.  Now I do and while people I try and explain it too say it sounds awful, they have no idea at all.

Boy, you definitely speak for me here.  Same feelings. 

[Gwenivere]

I was used to Steve traveling when he worked.   Those alone days and nights weren't tough because he would be coming home.  It's obviously so different now.  No matter how many days I wait, he'll never walk thru the door again.  That is what tears me up inside.  Nothing to look forward to if we have to be apart.  This was the same with his out of town music gigs.  No phone calls or emails.  He left home and I don't know where he is.  Can't reach him no matter what I do.

[Cookie]

6 hours ago, Brad said:

I also am growing tired of the routine; filling minutes..hours with distractors just to make it from morning to night.  My way of coping is to plan trips/outings with family and while they are great distractors they are not something I can do daily or weekly.  I still am alone most of the time.  Each time I start to look for escapes they get bigger.  Heading to Europe for seven weeks in April.  Got my inspiration from a gal in my support group who on a whim grabbed a backpack and hopped a flight to Germany for a couple of months at 82.

I need to take a lesson from Gwen and start volunteering, or join a hiking club or a photography club, something to add a social element to my life, but I am resistant...solitude, while becoming monotonous, is safe and well within my comfort level.

You know, I do lots of things like belong to a singing group, get-togethers with people, on and on, and I have to say that nothing seems to fill the big black hole of loss where my husband used to be.  I read another article on loss that said you need to learn how to tolerate pain, anxiety, fear and loneliness.  After 18 months, I'm beginning to see what that means, and I actually thought doing all these things would make me feel better.  Solitude is better sometimes and sometimes it's scary to think that is all there will be.....

[Cookie]

On ‎12‎/‎03‎/‎2016 at 1:44 PM, Brad said:

Deedo was the sociable one and I was the one more content in spending time alone.  Now? Not so much so.  The activities I enjoy most are solitary ones but lately I find myself thinking about how much I miss human contact on a daily basis.  When I'm talking with the kids or visiting with the neighbors; I'm content.  I have a friend in the Valley who I'll get together with when I'm down there.  Her husband is in the later stages of Alzheimer's and it is a good chance for us to share with each other.  But most of my time is spent hiking, working in the yard, reading and tryinng, very unsuccessfully, watching T.V.  Just wish I had someone to go on long drives with.  I don't want romance, just someone to share with.

Yes, that is exactly how I feel...just companionship.  I miss it so much too.  I guess that is what we all miss so much.  

[Gwenivere]

1 minute ago, Cookie said:

 Solitude is better sometimes and sometimes it's scary to think that is all there will be.....

This time you nailed it, Cookie.  Every day I am torn as I know I have to get out of here for some perpective, but then I want to come home.  Often when I get here I got stuck in the mire of the solitude anyway.  The new routines to kill time.  The solitude follows me when I am out anyway.  I don't feeling truly connected to anything anymore.  I hate fear and I feel it all the time.

[Gwenivere]

14 hours ago, Brad said:

something to add a social element to my life, but I am resistant...solitude, while becoming monotonous, is safe and well within my comfort level.

Brad, while I do volunteer, it isn't fulfilling me as it used to.  Unlike you, the solitude is the most torturous thing I have ever felt.  Sometimes I wish I could just take off on some kind of trip, but my panic attacks prevent that.  I've never felt so imprisoned in my life.  Drowning in grief.

[KarenK]

I would love to get in my truck, turn up the music, and just drive. Don't like interstates or big cities. Just the back roads and small towns. Find new, interesting places. I always want to see what's just over the next hill. I'm not afraid. I just can't afford it. I'm lost in loneliness and boredom, I guess.

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Those alone days and nights weren't tough because he would be coming home.

That's exactly how I feel.  I've gotten more used to it but the difference between then and now is glaring enough I can't help but notice.  I wish so much I could make everyone here happy for Christmas.  Unfortunately I know that's a tall order I can't fill.

[kayc]

7 hours ago, KarenK said:

I would love to get in my truck, turn up the music, and just drive.

Karen, I feel the same way sometimes, only I have Arlie and Kitty to take care of...that and my truck doesn't run.   One can dream though and dreams are free!

[Margm]

9 hours ago, KarenK said:

I always want to see what's just over the next hill.

RVing was mine and Billy's main thing to do.  I never liked interstates.  I cannot head out west again because that was mine and Billy's place.  I would love to take my granddaughter to New York City to see Broadway plays.  That has always been the thing she wanted to do most.  I have enough money to help out my family, a lot, a whole lot, sometimes making me run out of money by the end of the month and I do not see any relief from that.  We have not even had my mom's succession and with my sister losing her job, that is another expense.  I do not know how long it will take her to get on disability and she won't ask for anything, but I have to be there.  I think I am going to have to start playing the lottery if I have very big dreams.  Anyhow, if I can get a good tax return, and I had them take lots out, then maybe my granddaughter and i can take a trip somewhere.  I am like you, I like the backroads, but her dream is a big city.  

When I was growing up in my small town, just going to Shreveport, we had what they called the Bossier Strip where all the nightclubs were.  Those city lights just fascinated me.  I got to visit that strip after graduation, and the bright lights were really not what I thought they would be.  I would not squash any of her dreams though.  

[Margm]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Sometimes I wish I could just take off on some kind of trip, but my panic attacks prevent that.  I've never felt so imprisoned in my life.  Drowning in grief.

Gwen, I cannot swim, but to me you are just treading water.  Are the panic attacks so bad they will not let you drive?  Doesn't the Xanax help with the panic attacks?  I hate to see you a prisoner in your own home.  I am just the opposite.  Sometimes I just want to be able to have a whole day to myself, and saying that I feel guilty.  I really do not begrudge the time with my granddaughter.  I hope I can help her have a life that she will love, I hope she meets a good man and marries, I hope she finishes school, I hope so many things for her.  This is one thing I cannot show to her though.  She has had a lot of mental anguish all her life and now, with this counselor, she is learning to have her own voice.  I cannot impart any of my own voice, wishes, expectations on to her.  I never really thought about "finding myself" because like Billy, I would not read a map.  I would tell him sometimes on our trips that we were lost.  I don't know what it is with men, but they will not admit they are lost. "They just do not know where they are" at this particular time.  Semantics.  But with her, I cannot make suggestions, because they are my suggestions.  This is like a dark hole she has to find her own way through, I am just there to protect her.  She is a beautiful, kindhearted, not a mean bone in her body, type of person.  She does not have faith in her own decisions, and the counselor is helping very much.  I make no demands.  So see, I cannot think of just myself.  I am not alone.  I have a project.  And, even though it ties me down, I have to be glad I can do this project and help her out.  She was adopted, so she is not susceptible to the mental gene in our family, but that gene has beat her down until she could escape it.  Part of her heritage is Thailand, and letting her know that she has the mental ability to thrive and be who she wants to be is the only lesson I want to give her.  I let the counselor help in ways that I cannot.  She has let her know she has a voice, and she is not afraid to use it now.  I have hope.  

I moved back to my hometown.  Some of you cannot leave your homes you shared with your husband.  I understand that.  If Billy had been a homebody and loved a home, I might not have moved.  We were leaving that beautiful, comfortable, friendly, quiet place long before he passed away.  We had bought this RV (I think our 5th one) in March, before we found out how sick he was in September.  We had already gotten rid of some things.  All that was in that house was a quietness so loud that I could  not stay no matter what.  "One size does not fit all."  What works for me does not work for others.  In fact, I did what I was not supposed to do and I keep on doing this.  

[Cookie]

Hey all of you:  I totally relate to what everyone here is saying.  We all sound pretty much alike, having a lot of the same feelings.  What I wish is that we could all get together, hang out and help each other move forward.  Part of my problem is that although I have people to do things with, they are not widows or they are widows who are cheerleaders (meaning the ones saying you should be positive), so it's not very helpful.  Yes, I fantasize about taking trips, etc., but money is always an issue, so then I fantasize about winning the lottery.  Running away would be nice sometimes.  Hugs to you all...Cookie