If You're Going Through Hell

[kayc]

12 hours ago, mittam99 said:

I've had a tough last week or so. This time of year is so painful for me. It used to be a fun time of year... Christmas, our anniversary, Katie's birthday...

I've been very depressed. Sleeping most of the day. This life without my Tammy is just so very empty, so very lonely...  so very sad.

I'm in one day at a time mode, and hopefully, things will lighten a little. 

Mitch, I've wondered how you were doing...I've been going through hell this week too with nearly losing Arlie, and we're not out of the woods yet (posted more in Falling).  I have thought of you and noticed your absence here.  Soon it'll be over.  That's hard, knowing it'll soon be over and we won't have even enjoyed it like we once used to.  You're hit with a double...or triple whammy.  And I'm sick to death of snow and shoveling, I lost five pounds the last two weeks, which I needed to, but this is sure a hard way to do it.

[Margm]

I'm sorry Kay.  Of course Arlie is a valued member of your family and something that helps keep you going.  I hope everything smooths out with him.  I know you value his company so much.  My heart is with you.  My daughter's cat Peaches, that she rescued and then bottle fed, Peaches has used up at least eight of her life's and is about to lose her 9th.  She is an inside cat who wants to live outside.  The two years she stayed with us we had her bed in the garage with a heating pad.  She loved being out in the wild and a neighbor would call that she could not coax her down out of a tree.  Of course she came down on her own.  She is so old now though that she could not do those maneuvers.  Moving to Louisiana they lost her in New Mexico and stayed over 8 hours waiting for her, looking for her.  It took them three days to get home because my daughter was ill.  They heard a "meow" coming from the moving van.  It was cold.  That cat had survived over three days without food or water hid in the box springs of a bed.  Now she is losing her and they recommended putting her to sleep.  She has seizures and Kelli just gives her the medicine the doc prescribed.  That 9th life is almost gone.  They are part of the family for their special personalities and loving ways.  I hope for the best. 

[kayc]

Thank you, Marg.  I cancelled my eye surgery for this week, way too much going on, can't deal with it right now.  Sometimes life seems overwhelming, I just have to constantly re-prioritize.

[brat#2]

Mitch, wish I had some words to help you get through this, but like the rest of us I don't, other than hold on.  Sending you hugs

Joyce

 

[Margm]

2 hours ago, brat#2 said:

words to help you get through this, but like the rest of us I don't, other than hold on.

Joyce, you said it just in the right words.  "Holding on" is all any of us can do.  We all "hold on" under different circumstances, but that is all any of us can do.  You hold on the best way you can.  Mitch has to hold on the best way he can.  Kay holds on the best she can.  Steve, Kevin, Brad, Bill (I know your still out there Bill), George, all you guys.  And, I am targeting you because I love all your devotion to your mates.  We all have different hearts, but our love was so great that our loss is pretty much all the same.  I have put this on here before, but it spoke to me.  I have not lost a child, but I do have some severe mental problems in my family (probably inherited from me), but Rose Kennedy said she married for love.  I believe her..  Her husband was a rascal, but we have all known rascals, might have even been one ourselves.  I believe this:

It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. Time - the mind, protecting its sanity - covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone. Rose Kennedy

So, we will all keep picking up the pieces of a life interrupted, and we will do the best that we can, each and every one of us.

The best Merry Christmas to you all, the best we can muster up.
 

 

[MartyT]

Marg, my dear, as I was preparing another article for my blog, I came upon these words, which made me think of you and your struggles with supporting your family members:

When we are able to make peace with our own limitations, that which we can do will always be enough. ~ Greg Yoder, in Companioning the Dying: A Soulful Guide for Caregivers  ♥

[Margm]

28 minutes ago, MartyT said:

When we are able to make peace with our own limitations, that which we can do will always be enough. ~ Greg Yoder

I am stealing this.  I want it framed.  Thank you.  My Rose Kennedy quote hits me where I live.  This Greg Yoder quote has to be me.  Maybe I can make it sink into my fossilized heart and brain.  

[Margm]

34 minutes ago, MartyT said:

When we are able to make peace with our own limitations, that which we can do will always be enough. ~ Greg Yoder

Sometimes my shaking hands play tricks with what I have shaded.  This is just an addendum to my other post.  I could fix it I am sure, sometimes my mind gets more tired than my fingers.

[KATPILOT]

Good and true words indeed.

[scba]

I'm sorry Mitch. Hang on. We are sending you hugs.

[Gwenivere]

Great quote, Marty.  One we really need to remember often.

[Margm]

Is it too late for me to announce I have had a nervous breakdown and will not be available.  I drank my coffee, now where is my energy?  Where is my Christmas spirit.  I let Brianna pick out her gifts for everyone last night.  I forgot about Walmart closing early on Christmas Eve.  She was shook up until we found Walgreen's open.  Might not have been what people want, but it cleaned out my bank account.  Will get ice with washateria money.  

Gotta get after it.  Wish I had a magic pill.  My whole life has been wishing for magic pills.  I had them one time, by prescription too, when it was legal.  Right now it would kill me but I could get everything done in one hour.  Goodbye beautiful little black Mollie, too bad your illegal.

I get sad.  I am human.  I miss that old shaggy haired, shaggy bearded tall man that I could stand under his outstretched arms.  But, he is not returning.  I just have to imagine I see him.  I reach up to touch  those beautiful high cheekbones and almost can feel them.  Until then, I have to live.  I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, thanks RF.  

[Margm]

A typical Louisiana Christmas minus my mom this year, (but she has not been here for a long time).  I draped festive $ store table cloths across about four boxes and we ate our meal from that.  All went well.  I had told them "anytime" and they all managed to overlap their visits and there were no fusses.    Lots to eat and my years old dressing recipe kept getting raves.  I still do not remember where I was last year, but I was told and Brianna told me, "Remember, we watched the new Jurassic World.  I remember watching that.  Still don't remember much else, don't want to think.  Maybe I will forget this one.  I wonder if they say, like we used to say "we better go, it might be Mama's last."  

Now to the weather.  When it got up to 79 degrees in the house with the ceiling fans on, I had to turn the AC on.  Christmas Day, 2016, have to turn on the AC.  I have cried more than once.  My crying place is my bathroom.  My sister gave me the picture my son had painted for my mom years ago.  She would lay up in bed and just look at it.  A bluish church with a big cross tower.  Her favorite picture and she would spend hours looking at it.  It is now on my mantel, and if that counts as crying for my mom, this was my first.  I wished we could keep our loved ones forever.  But, I want a magic wand to say "be sane please" a whole bunch of times.  I might hit myself with it a few times too.

I hope you all held up as well as you possibly could.  December 25th, 2016, at 79 degrees, just another day, another sad day.

 

[kayc]

It's been 19 when I wake up most days and it doesn't warm up a whole lot.  I'm having to run a space heater out where the pipes are, Lord knows what my electric bill will be but cheaper than broken pipes.
Funny how we miss our moms when they are gone, doesn't matter how strange they were, we still miss them.  This is your first year without her, it's been over two years for me so my third Christmas without her.  When I made our traditional sugar cookies and decorated Santas, angels, etc., the recipe was written in her stick handwriting...made me miss her.  I missed being able to let her know my daughter is pregnant.

[KATPILOT]

I wonder if she doesn't know Kay.          Looks like more weather heading your way. Stay warm and don't put yourself at risk.

When I was young I spent a lot of time in the kitchen with my mom, grandma, and aunt watching them cook and licking the spoons when they made the Christmas goodies. Perhaps that's why I find my kitchen the most comfy place to hang out.

[KarenK]

I should keep this to myself for now, but I can't. It is eating me up with worry. How many times have we said, "This can't be happening"? Maybe it's not, but.........

My son has been having severe pain in his hip for a few weeks. He hates doctors as much as I, but was actually preparing to make an appointment. This is a guy who never takes an aspirin. Yesterday, he told me that he is now bleeding when he uses the bathroom, usually after standing for a long time at work cashiering. This morning, the blood was there first thing and getting worse so he stayed home. No doctors today. They are all closed. He is on the county health program, so not many options.

As you may remember, I lost Ron to Cancer and I lost Debbie to Colon Cancer. Unfortunately, when Cancer moves in with your family, it is the first thing you suspect when disaster strikes. I am doing that now while I try to remain positive for him and "brush it off" as anything but the worst. He has told me many times that if he ever developed Cancer, he would not go through the treatments. He witnessed too much firsthand, the results of these.

So here I am lost in anxiety and speculation and praying that history is not repeating itself and repeating the mantra "It's not Cancer till they say it's Cancer.

Thank you for listening.

[Gin]

Karen,

I understand your fear and anxiety.  Can he go to an Immediate care center or ER?  Living this way without our soulmate to lean on is horrible.  Maybe it is an urinary infection?  Praying for you and him and hope he sees someone soon.  

Gin

 

[Margm]

Karen, I wish there were words to counter those that you are thinking.  But, I have none.  After your family's history, you have to suspect the very thing you suspect.  But, it does not always turn out that way.  So, you already suspect the worse, so you are prepared for the worse.  But, there are many reasons this could happen.  Of course, you only think of one.  The thing about it, he has to go, he has to find out.  If it is, possibly it can be taken care of before the worse might happen.

My daughter's partner had her 4 year PET scan from having a double mastectomy with five positive nodes.  I counted her out myself.  I figured one year at most with that many positive nodes.  She suffered through a week of waiting for results and then finally called them.  They told her they would have only called her if there was a problem.  A cancer patient suffers until they hear the results.  Believe me, I went through years of tests afterward and knew every one of them was positive.  They never were.  For some reason, and I guess all this doctor craziness as our saving graces, with all this Obamacare, Medicare, Medicaid, then medicine as we knew it, now it does not exist.  We have so many things now that can save our life, if we follow it up in time.  First time to see blood?  Maybe soon enough to take care of it.  If that is what it is.  Standing on his feet so long and if he is lifting heavy stuff, it might be nothing more than hemorrhoids.  But, he does have to get it checked.

I know the worry.  My son's chances of having liver cancer are much greater now after his hep-C treatments.  He has found an antidepressant that finally works, but it makes him gain weight, as most antidepressants do.  

But still, he has to have it checked, and I know the terror of the thoughts before having it checked.  My heart is with you my friend.  Prayers too. 

[Gwenivere]

I totally understand, Karen.  Once cancer has touched and stolen from you, it never leaves the top worry when something happens.  

[KarenK]

We thought about the ER, but the blood is only when "pooping"(excuse my French) and the hip pain is only when he stands, so doubt there is much they would or could do for him. His insurance requires a referral from PCP, which he needs to choose tomorrow. He doesn't even have one now as he never gets sick. So it will take time, authorization and tests to get it all sorted out.

Thank you guys for your support and concern.

[Margm]

Karen, it will take time to find a PCP unless you let them know there might be an emergency that cannot be taken care of in the ER.  I know Bri's doc gave her a 2-1/2 week appointment date for an earache.  Sometimes doctors have early hours to see walk-in patients.  As he is a new patient don't be satisfied for an opening "in two months" and if they will not work something out sooner, look for a 2nd, 3rd, 4th choice.  I know he does not want to go.  

[MartyT]

Karen, my dear, you are getting very good advice from Gin, Marg and Gwen. Please don't let any time go by without getting your son to a physician, who can refer him for some diagnostic tests. Time is of the essence ~ no matter what may be causing these symptoms. The sooner you know exactly what you're dealing with, the sooner you can address the problem and the best way to deal with it. Otherwise, all you're left with is worry, and whatever is wrong has every chance of getting worse and harder to fix.

Meanwhile, please know that you and your son are in our thoughts and prayers . . .  ♥

[brat#2]

Karen, so sorry you having to go through this worry.  Hope he gets to a doctor soon and will be able to put your mind at ease.  You and your son are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you hugs

Joyce

 

 

[kayc]

Karen,

He may opt differently when there, we can't know for sure what we'd do until we're facing it.  I hope and pray it is not so.  I hope he gets in to see someone TODAY as the sooner caught the better.  There's always urgent care, at least they could run the tests. They should be able to help him find a doctor that is accepting new patients, he can always switch to another one later, but time IS of the essence.  It could be one of a myriad of things, but you need your minds set at ease and to know what you're dealing with.  The unknown is the worst to deal with.  You're all in my prayers.

[Gwenivere]

I may be wrong, Karen, but seems to me an ER can do many things to try and nail this down.  I don't think any ER can turn anyone away either.  Just a thought.