If You're Going Through Hell

[KarenK]

Glad you were surrounded by family, Marg. Just think of all the water you will conserve.  lol

Be safe. Merry Christmas back atcha!

[V. R.]

5 hours ago, Margm said:

I have dug in my heels all the way, leave me alone, prepare what you want to.  I have to take my sister and granddaughter, two nephews there, granddaughter and ggranddaughter coming in tonight.  At our supper at Kelli's.  I got enough "Bath and Body Works" I won't have to shower for a month.  Lots more stuff.  Dark driving home.  I had on my reading glasses and had to use my real eyes.  As long as I can see a line in the road, I'm okay.  

Merry Christmas

 

Be careful Margm, while driving. 

Wishing you a peaceful Christmas with all your family. 

[kayc]

Merry Christmas, Marg!

[Margm]

Woke up this morning in a mood I have not been in for a long time.  Some family situations just make it where I can't fuss or argue.  One is sick and difficult, did not like what the surgeon told her, signed out AMA twice, and moving her was a catastrophe at this time and the stubbornness is not tolerated by others.  I have to let her make her own decisions though, she is almost 10 years younger than me and sometimes has chem-head, but comes out of it.  This morning I just woke up thinking I could not tolerate the different personalities and wished I was not here.  I won't do anything to hurry it along, but at 80, and with a few health difficulties, still have the crosses in front of my necessity, I can't gripe too much.  I get around fine, just stay close to my things that I rely on.  Just finding it difficult to handle family.  I am not in the position yet that I have to make decisions, I do not want to make any and I don't think others accept this.  I saw my dad's stubbornness, and this is his daughter that definitely does not want me making decisions, and that little verse under all that is, I don't want to.  We just have to go from day to day, but I sure don't like wishing I wasn't here.  I cannot/will not be mean.  This is not a question post.  There is no answer. 

[kayc]

Hold your ground, Marg, you know what you can/can't do, and at age 80 shouldn't have to!  I know there are no answers, not in my family either.  We all just keep going the best we can with our own struggles.  My little sister's Guillain-Barre is back with a vengeance, they're in Hawaii and her husband has to help her up/down from the toilet, getting dressed, etc.  Not exactly the vacation they'd imagined.  No idea why the setback.

[Margm]

My grandmother always felt a woman needed to be married, did not hold her tongue.  Some folks do not want to be married, so it was a standoff between my sister and grandmother, and though she is long gone, my sister still holds it against her.  She never married and I did, at one time, wish she had a companion she could at least lean on if she got sick.  I guess Billy was my saving grace, not perfect, but he was by my side anytime I was sick, performing like a nurse.  I just wanted her to have someone to help.  So, selfishly, I am that one.  I have grown children and grandchildren that resent the time I am needed and think she is taking advantage of me.  I just cannot handle the advice, I have to be there for her, there is no one else.  Your right, there are no answers.  I have to do what I have to do, and that is why sometimes it seems it would be easier not to be here.  No dramatics, just seems my only answer.  Billy said "one of us has to stay" and I guess sometimes I know why it was me.  

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Margm said:

I have to be there for her, there is no one else. 

As I was for my sister after her husband died.  So much had been let go it was a lot to deal with, her husband died during Covid, and everything she had put off for years became emergent (medically), she'd had macular degeneration for years, didn't tell anyone and didn't do anything about it, so I had a massive series of eye appts to take her to, each 1 1/2 hours from here.  One day getting her heavy walker in/out of the car six times (12 times lifting) was too much for my hand, I had to go to the doctor, tremendous pain, it turned ice cold and lost all feeling, very scary.  That ended my being able to cart her around, but I still did dishes, laundry, got her air filtration set up, cooked for her, shopped for her, etc.  I didn't have a whole lifetime of it like you did your sister, mine was only since her husband died, 1 1/2 years before her.  I'd give anything to have her back, yet I know it wasn't to be.

Take care of yourself first, Marg.  Sending you love.

[Margm]

This morning my cousin's husband passed away.  It was expected, just not this soon, like with Billy.  I guess I was one of the first people that she called and we cried together through the whole conversation.  We had talked so often since Billy left and her husband was older than Billy, not much, but both passed away from cancer.  They had been married 54 years too.  I told her to lean on her children, it does not help at the moment, but later on you will know it did help.  I remember, the whole first year, sometimes for a month at a time I put my 6 inch foam mattress on my granddaughter's bedroom floor and we watched movies nonstop.  I look back now, and I know it had to have helped me so much.  We do what we have to do.

 

[V. R.]

My heart goes out to your cousin, Marg. We all understand how she's feeling, especially as it was so sudden, the shock is overwhelming. Like you say, she needs the comfort of  her family now, who will help her get through this. 

Sending strength. 

 

[kayc]

I am so sorry, Marg.  I just learned yesterday that my uncle passed right after my sister Peggy did, no one told our family.  Had a long talk with my Aunt Jo.  You know Marg, it seems we're losing them right and left, lost my Aunt Sue since then too.  I'm so glad you were able to talk with your cousin, your experience is sure to have helped so many people in the years since you lost your Billy.

[Margm]

The street we lived on in Arkansas, it was a visual "garden of Eden" and I cannot really describe the beauty and peace.  It was a "circle" drive with I think 10 houses in small hills and valleys with the forest all around us and totally behind us.  The land went up to something like a leeward side of a mountain and this went on for miles, divided by main roads and forest roads.  In the years we lived there, all the husbands passed away but two, and they had people that moved in and out.  I thought it should be called "Widow Lane."  My friend, who lost her husband first, she helped me like this forum.  I cried days later because a classmate had passed away.  She told me "we are at the age we are going to lose many friends and relatives."  I guess until Billy left, I lived in a fairy tale land.  I was sad when  her husband passed (about five years before Billy) but my empathy had not been born yet.  When she told me that, I learned that one of her's and her husband's friends had passed the day before, but she did not tell me.  Fighting cancer at 84, I talked to her recently, and she had gone through the chemo by herself.  I think about myself (too much), and know I could not take the chemo, so my admiration of her only grew.  She still lives in her beautiful triple level rustic home her husband built for them years ago.  Her son bought it from her, he lives in the basement apartment, and his mom does not have to worry about bills, keeping up her beautiful acres of flowering bushes, trees, bulbs, etc., because he hires someone to do it.  Her Bibles are still open on her dining room table, table by her recliner in the den, and by her bed in the bedroom.  She lived on her husbands and her own SS, so her son was her life saver, literally.  My cousin lives in a beautiful home they built years and years ago.  Many acres around the house. They bought the land many years ago when it was in the country.  Big fence around it.  Both were country people, like me, and in all those years, outside their big fence and locked gate, slums have grown up with much crime.  Her children and grandchildren will help her take care of all the paperwork, and she will make plans when she can, or her kids will help her make plans.  I talked to another cousin (we were all so close in age and grew up together).  He said his therapist for his 2nd stroke said he was doing very well.  We told each other we love each other before we hung up.  He hears the footsteps behind him we all hear.  My uncle, 9 years older than me has had two strokes, his wife, the same age approach age 90 weakened, but still able to make it on their own.  A counselor daughter lives with them a few days and helps them.  And these are our golden years.  I am very bereaved and a pure downer today.  Strange isn't it, I was a teenager yesterday. 

[V. R.]

11 hours ago, Margm said:

The street we lived on in Arkansas, it was a visual "garden of Eden" and I cannot really describe the beauty and peace.  It was a "circle" drive with I think 10 houses in small hills and valleys with the forest all around us and totally behind us.  The land went

Marg, I am lost for words. This place sounds so similar to where we we live. We are are in the countryside, surrounded by hills, mountains and woods nearby, few minutes away from village center, 15 minute drive from nearest town, and in my lane there are about fourteen  houses, some separated (like ours) and others right next door to each other. In the past few years, we have had so many widowed, especially prematurely, in their fifties! 

 

 

[Margm]

Beautiful.  It was a dream home in a dream world and became a nightmare without Billy.  I am a weirdo for sure.  I came back to where we spent most all of our marriage and our kids years.  We only moved after retirement.  We used to vacation in the small town around the huge lake and dream of being there all the time.  We lived in the area of full-time vacation minus one year of RV full-timing, but lived in the RV for about six years until we retired.  You have a beautiful environment.  I just could not make it into a home after he left.  Neither is an apartment.  I always felt that "home" was where the heart was, and it was, but now it is where the bed is.  

[kayc]

Your pictures are beautiful, @V. R., looks a lot like places in OR, like along I-5, near farming country, soft rolling hills...different from the mountains with tall evergreens here, but beautiful!

Marg, I don't think I've heard of you speaking of this place, like a culdesac, sounds beautiful and homey...

[Margm]

I woke up planning on doing something industrious. I tackled the pretty boxes in the big bookcase.  Of course all I did was dig up bones.  Wrote what they were on top of the boxes.  I still cannot look at some pictures, read his cards, You know I could help by throwing things away, but my mind and heart would follow them to the trash dumpster that comes Wednesday.  In the past few years friends have sent me programs of funerals.  My friend told her family, please no funeral, memorial, or paper write-up.  They didn't understand.  I do. 

As an addendum, I can go to Encore Westerns and it seems like it was a cleaner, happier time.  Oh, I didn't know Billy then except to know he was watching the westerns too, they were new back then.  Somehow they are going back in time, a time that was innocent, no grieving, just being a child.  I guess 2nd childhood at 80 is not too bad.  One size does not fit all.   

[kayc]

If you don't do the newspaper obit, how do people know he died?  Doesn't make sense to me.

We still haven't had Peggy's and now with Julie paralyzed, I don't see how we're going to unless Dana drives her and Polly.  They want to in April, I'll still have snow so not a good time.

[Margm]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

If you don't do the newspaper obit, how do people know he died?  Doesn't make sense to me.

I think that is the point.  She never wanted to bother anyone so exit quietly.  Family and friends knew.  She was the type of person we all loved, still miss, and we know she is gone.  I went through papers yesterday and found obituaries that were sent to me like a birthday card, except it was a "death card."  We all have our "druthers" and I'd like to go without a "death card."  Billy felt the same.  Mama did too.  Quiet exit, I hope. 

[KarenK]

No obit notice for Ron. Those who were important to him knew he was gone.

[kayc]

Peggy had so many friends when she was working, she retired at 49, way too young, sat in her easy chair ever since.  She lost touch with a lot of her friends, maybe they'd call once a year...

She was known in the community (small town), so if not in newspaper many would not know.  True that those who mattered would know.  My brain was in shock/fog that first month when I was trying to notify people.  I'm sure there were those I missed.

[KarenK]

Bad day here today.....my son found a lot of blood in the grass as he mowed the yard. Discovered it was from my Marley dog as she peed. We rushed her to the vet. They also found her gums bleeding and several bruises on her head and stomach. They have run all kinds of tests and xrays and aren't sure what's causing it. She doesn't act sick and this just came on all at once. She's had Lupus for several years. Her platelets are extremely low and she is staying there overnight for more tests and in case she needs a transfusion. Doctor says this may be caused by the Lupus and may be treatable. It's just wait and see......We are all crushed by this. She is my special buddy.

[MartyT]

Keeping you and your dear Marley dog in our thoughts and prayers, dear Karen, and sending hope for healing 🧡

[KarenK]

Thank you Marty. Spoke to the vet a little while ago and although Marley seems happy, is walking, eating and drinking, her platelets are falling and more bruising appears. Medicine isn't working and a transfusion would not work as whatever is destroying platelets would destroy those also. Will be going in the morning to pick her up. Have to decide then what is best for her. I SO HATE THIS!!!

[Margm]

I'm so sorry Karen.

[kayc]

Oh Karen, my heart goes out to you and your son as you try to figure out what is causing Marley's issues.  I hope the vet figures something out! 

[KarenK]

Thanks Marg and Kay. Robert and I have not slept at all. Too worried. Vet called at 6 AM. Marley still acting fine, but bleeding continues despite medications. Vet thinks it is Thrombocytopenia, an immune disorder which destroys platelets and is associated with Lupus. Another blood test scheduled for 8. She's apparently not in pain and we will bring her home at 9 so she can be with those who love her. I'm still hoping that the medicine will turn things around.