If You're Going Through Hell

[scba]

  Oh yes. When you reach to the conclusion that you have lost the identity of being a husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend because of death.... I can describe that feeling I felt as some sort-of  violence inflicted inside of me.  And yet I was even able to survive. Looking back I'm always shocked about how I was even capable to. I cannot even say how I did it. One foot in front of the other, maybe.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

On 5/21/2022 at 10:17 PM, V. R. said:

Just like the title of this thread, everyday is like living in hell, but the weekends are double hell and now that Spring is here, Summer on the way, it's treble hell.feel the same way.  Winter was easier as the darkness and cold cold matched my feelings now. I remember when this time of year was so exciting.  We really enjoyed it.  Now it’s empty.  I have no one but Dee close to me, and that is complicated emotionally.  No family, other friends, pets or activities that now leave a gaping void.  Physically compromised to try and fill some of it and emotionally to even try alone.  I was thinking yesterday of all the haughtier, contentment and general feeling all was right I my world now vanished.  A lush garden now a dry desert in it’s place.  No exit signs anywhere.  No putting things back.  That’s the hardest part of it all.  

[V. R.]

12 hours ago, nashreed said:

a cold (not COVID) and he has a cough that lasts for weeks after (this has been going on for years, every year he gets these colds). He's coughing his brains out all night but WON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. He keeps me awake with it. I worry about him, and I hate that I'm stressed out about him. He won't go to his doctor. He barely takes any medicine for it. Disgusting content ahead: He refuses to blow his damn nose. He's constantly sniffing it up and I tell him that's your friggin problem, but nobody listens to me. He'd rather cough his head off. I don't understand my family at all. I wish I had children now. All I think of is my non-future. One of us will die

I was wondering if your brother suffers from a particularly bad case of seasonal hay fever, if he gets this every year at this time? This fastidious allergy can also cause insistent coughing apart from colds, runny noses. Sorry if I intrude but after 25 yrs with by beloved (him being in the medical profession - blood analyst), I've become used to 'trying' to give medical advice and 'trying' to identify symptoms/signs. If that is the case, a good antihistamine treatment will help alleviate the symptoms, my daughter is taking pills at the moment, they truly work, I'm suffering too now with all this pollen around. Covid face masks are very efficient. 

[kayc]

I use mustard powder or oil to help my breathing passages, I've always had allergies, not merely seasonal ones but year around.  Also Nasacort spray.  Loratadine (Claritin) in the morning, Benedryl at night as needed.  If he won't do anything, listen, change, nothing you can do.  

[V. R.]

I sometimes feel I'm having an identity crisis. I met my soulmate when I was twenty seven  yrs old, just one year older than what my son is now, three years older than my daughter. Considering that I still see them as kids, I think "Gosh!", I've never been a single adult, I went  from being a 'girl' (easy life, no responsibilities, nothing to worry about) to a 'woman' when we married. Apart from one year, I had always lived at home with my parents. Now, I seem to be living a life that's not mine, I feel like a stranger to this world, everything is so unfamiliar. Of course, I am still a mother to my two children, a daughter to my parents, but I still feel out of place, awkward and inadequate. As if all that I had become has  just been taken away from me, my whole self left this world together with  my precious beloved husband. 

 

[kayc]

I left home at 17, so have been on my own all my life it seems, but I did feel identity crisis when George died...like, if I'm not Mrs...who am I?  I love being Mrs, but not to just anyone (I'd been in bad marriages before and basically was always on my own, married or not...until George).  We were definitely partners, joined in every way.  The only one I had that with.

[nashreed]

21 hours ago, V. R. said:

I sometimes feel I'm having an identity crisis. I met my soulmate when I was twenty seven  yrs old, just one year older than what my son is now, three years older than my daughter. Considering that I still see them as kids, I think "Gosh!", I've never been a single adult, I went  from being a 'girl' (easy life, no responsibilities, nothing to worry about) to a 'woman' when we married. Apart from one year, I had always lived at home with my parents. Now, I seem to be living a life that's not mine, I feel like a stranger to this world, everything is so unfamiliar. Of course, I am still a mother to my two children, a daughter to my parents, but I still feel out of place, awkward and inadequate. As if all that I had become has  just been taken away from me, my whole self left this world together with  my precious beloved husband. 

 

I can relate. It's still so weird that I had 30 wonderful years with Annette (but, of course, not without a lot of pain and stress), being together all the time and now I find myself back where I was when I was 17, at 52- sleeping in the same bed as when I was a teenager (which used to be a bunk bed, which still has a 40 year old  "E.T." reflector sticker on it- "Attention ladies!") 

I went to a show in L.A. last night with my brother, at a beautiful outdoor venue. It's nice to get out and try to forget my sad, lonely life, but it's so depressing seeing all the happy couples, and attractive younger women who would never even think to look at a fat, balding old man- but I feel like I'm young in my head because of how my life has ended up. It's like I was picked up by aliens out of my miserable teenage existence, taken to a beautiful place of love for 30 years and then unceremoniously dropped back to the same place- only that place is now a ghetto and sad shell of a once safe town and I'm old, but with the same mental problems. 

[Gwenivere]

I’ve ad many identities, longest with Steve, and even in that there were changes.  Good or bad, i always felt alive.  I felt alive until October of 2014.  I have not since.  It seemed like it, but I  wasn’t.  Now I’m not only mentally imprisoned, I am physically as well.  I don’t want to be here anymore.  I’ll never have  a fulfilling life.  This isn’t a guess, mood or worry.  It’s the truth.  I know it because I live it.  I’ve tried for almost 8 years.  I had ties of near acceptance but they have vanished.  I can’t even live in my misery in my own home right now.  
 

I know we all look at things differently.  At 27 I was a woman who had almost a decade of adventure.  My life since a child had been one.  I’ve had a core identity my whole life that was shut down by losing the person I came to love more than myself or anyone.  More than life.  It’s not something you think about when your lives collide and you know you’ve found 'the one'.  No one will ever replace him.  I only want him.  
 

I truly feel for you, V.R.. 💕 I’ve been told it isn’t healthy to put so much of yourself into another.  That is from people that didn’t find what we did.  I  even tried to not feel as deeply as I did, but my heart made the decision.  Now it’s shattered.  You don’t think of it ending. We were much too young for such realities.  We envisioned growing older as it happened, but not ending.  We did that for 5 years.  He felt guilt as he reversed the situation and envisioned how he would feel.  It showed me how deep his love was.  The4e are times I wonder if this was worth the cost.  Then I think of all the times we had, good and bad, and wouldn’t have wanted to miss them.them.  I know he would understand the times I’ve yelled at him for leaving, tho it wasn’t his choice.  So, we were fortunate yet we now have to live in a world truly alone.  We didn’t have kids, but they wouldn’t fill the void this created.  I do hope they give you some solace as they are a product of your love.

[V. R.]

Hi there, thank you all for your responses. We all have different family situations here, but we do  have in common the fact that the special emotional bond we had with our life partners  just cannot be replaced. 

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

feel for you, V.R.. 💕 I’ve been told it isn’t healthy to put so much of yourself into another.  That is from people that didn’t find what we did.  I  even tried to not feel as deeply as I did, but my heart made the decision.  Now it’s shattered.  You

Perfect explanation, Gwen. So true. Of course, that's what loving someone means, isn't it? Dedicating your whole selves to each other, unconditional love, it just happens.

Thinking of you, so sorry you're going through this rough time. Keep strong and let  your beautiful memories with your hubby help you get through this. 

12 hours ago, nashreed said:

went to a show in L.A. last night with my brother, at a beautiful outdoor venue. It's nice to get out and try to forget my sad, lonely life, but it's so depressing seeing all the happy couples, and

Understand how you feel, it isn't easy. I get this feeling when I go into supermarkets and see couples together. I nearly burst out crying once when I overheard one asking the other if they'd run out of carrots and the other said there was only one left. I think I'm going crazy at times. You did the right thing going out with your brother, you should do that more often, I'm sure your beloved wife would want you to. 

18 hours ago, kayc said:

been in bad marriages before and basically was always on my own, married or not...until George).  We were definitely partners, joined in every way.  The only one I had that

So sorry  about your past bad marriages, and just when you finally found happiness with your 'real' soulmate, he was taken away from you. I guess, we all have our sad stories, but  our special cherished memories are our 'mental medicine' to help us struggle on. 

Best regards to you all. 

[kayc]

18 hours ago, nashreed said:

who would never even think to look at a fat, balding old man

My husband George wrote to me when getting to know each other, "Who wouldn't want a fat, balding old man like me?"   I was delighted with him and didn't think of him in derogatory terms at all, and BTW, he lost 50 lbs (10 lbs too much imo).  But it did show his sense of humor, which I loved.

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’ve been told it isn’t healthy to put so much of yourself into another.  That is from people that didn’t find what we did.

Agree!

Yes, V. R., memories of my love and time with George are very reassuring...at least I had it all, that's more than many, maybe most, get.  A lot of people "settle" it seems or just don't know the difference because they've never had "it."

[scba]

On 4/19/2022 at 5:41 PM, Marg M said:

Made her call her doc twice and the PA who answers his calls twice made her feel better mentally.  We should have studied the pain med, it is an opiate.  She is retired nurse and I'm retired transcriber, so we should have done more ourselves.  She was hurting so.  She has a strong antibiotic (allergic to most antibiotics), but the urinating is easing up and I had the pain meds to her early this morning.  He is a GYN doc so he did some work from vaginal site too.  I would like to say she is a lot better today.  I have her car here, so the stubborn offspring of mine can't go anywhere (except Scott's truck is there).  She is so hard to hold down and never wants to be still and give into pain or illness.  Maybe the Ultram will let her sleep.  As of this afternoon, with the pain at a lot less a problem, and the urinating not as big a problem, I think (I'm hoping) she has in bed therapy rather than "retail therapy" which is her favorite therapy.  She has flowers and bushes growing all around the mobile home, a bird water/bath, a half dozen bird and hummingbird feeders, maybe she will just watch from the window from her bed.  She does not need to be bending, but she still likes to play in the dirt.  

I spent time with her and Scott this morning, I talk to each one at least once a day but got many hugs and sent her back to bed.  Her poodle is 12 years old now and her back legs ae not strong.  She is used to sitting on Kelli or next to her, and sleeps at her head.  

Did you all know most of us are an OWL?  Not to get racist or anything, but "old white lady" fits me to a T.  

Kay, I can't imagine the pain your daughter goes through for so many months.  My two cousins have been told that they need help with their over 80-year-old husbands.  One has Parkinson's and the two doctor sons are making my cousin get an inside helper and somehow we get rigid around 80 anyhow.  My other cousin's husband is losing weight, had teeth trouble (can't imagine having teeth), and his ankles are giving out.  Honestly, sometimes even WD-40 does not help.  Take care Gwen, I know your still having a hard time.  The rest of you, take care of yourselves too.  I think we are better.....some.  Thank y'all for thinking of us.  I know my kids are middle aged people, but they are, and as long as I live, will stay my babies.  

Hello Marg. Hope you are well. You are missed in your thread.

[Margm]

I have missed everyone.  I reached a point that I did not feel I could be of help to anyone, not with words, for sure.  My sister has colorectal cancer.  I am her only support system.  She gets angry at health care workers, she knows this, but it has been a problem.  She signed herself out of two hospitals AMA and I was just hitting my head on the wall, not helping her either.  Not able to teach anymore we moved her to a place she has more assistance, but moving her books were a necessity that was a very big problem.  Five floor to ceiling bookcases and she had donated at least two floor to ceiling holder of books and that many more books.  I use a Kindle because I am 80 and saving all the books would probably help cremate me, if I did it myself, but have to think of those left behind.  Her apartment is a nightmare, cannot find anything because of books.  I do not have animals, not because I do not love animals, I just cannot justify leaving one behind (these are only my feelings, not to be put on anyone else).  I love the feel and smell of books, but the Kindle actually makes the letters big enough for me to see and my kids do not have to get rid of them.  Anyhow, it has been a nightmare.  Kelli had the COVID again and developed problems with her heart.  We do all the things to avoid it, but she has so many autoimmune problems, she helped/directed the move for my sister, got bronchitis (which she is prone to), and the rest followed.  Trouble between her and her daughter (who lives with me), caused me to remember the little "ditty" I had made up when I had cancer.  "I'm not that important, life does go on, if I wasn't here, then I'd be gone."  Granddaughter has many problems, handling as she will allow, and she is a sweet, beautiful young lady that needs to get on with her life, but is afraid.  Counselors have not helped.  Meds have not.  Was advised not to push, and I won't. (By one of her doc's). So, I worry whenever I have to leave the house.  

I have not started questioning my having dementia yet.  There are changes.  Sometimes the worry seems insurmountable, the angry fussing about her daughter's choice of living arrangements (finally understood it was my daughter's words), and this has been a lifelong mental problem with my daughter.  She says things she cannot take back, we understand her, her daughter won't accept it and it is blamed on me by my daughter (which is not new either).  Just not true though.  My sister's fighting her therapy and lives in a smaller hoarder's apartment.  I did ask what we were to do with all the books if anything happened to her and she said she hoped someone would get some knowledge from them.  (Retired college teacher). Just received a call from her, apartments are to be inspected.  I have offered to hire someone to come in and help her.  She has the personality that would drive Mother Theresa (who I do not think had that good a personality), away.  No one could/can help her.  I've learned to let a lot go.  

I miss you all.  I received more help than I'd ever hoped to have.  I enjoyed trying to help the new members and then it hit me, I could not even help myself anymore.  Because of the low moisture diet, forever, I am given mostly things that cause diabetes.  It was borderline last lab work and because of meds interacting in my colon, I cannot take anything but what I take.  

I worried about Marty during the storm, have worried about all of you at a lot of times and honestly, sometimes I'm afraid I cannot take any more worry.  I do have a doc, in fact I have two and they both hesitate to give me any new meds.  The shaking (essential tremor) is worse, of course, and gets even worse if I eat the wrong thing, which is seldom.  Still have all my crosses in front of my necessity.

My sister does not have to climb stairs, which is a plus.  She does not have to have chemo for two weeks and a lot of her pain is gone.  (Her private doc was treating her for hemorrhoids, which delayed cancer treatment, but they have not called it the dreaded word palliative yet.   She still has to wear oxygen almost all the time.  But, she has to smoke outside the apartments, which may help cut down on the smoking.  It seems a secondary problem.  She is almost 10 years younger than me.  

Now, I will go check on everyone else.  October 17, 2015 is when Billy left.  Lots of memories and sometimes I have to try not visit them.  I think possibly some people find someone else for companionship, and I applaud them and wish them the best.  I do not crave any companion for any purpose, I seem to  have enough to keep my mind busy.  Love you all. 

[MartyT]

We love you, too, dear Marg ~ and it's SO good to hear from you again! Know that you are always, always in our hearts ~ most especially in mine ❤️ 

[Widow2015]

Marge: So good to see you on the Forum again but am so sorry to read about your sister's health.  Yes, you do have enough to keep your mind busy.  Take care.  Hugs, Dee.

[Gin]

Marg,

Good to see you posting,  i miss you!

Gin

[KarenK]

Marg, so good to hear from you. Certainly understand why you've been MIA for a bit. Wish we could take some of these burdens from you. Please remember that you can't be all things for all people although that is your nature. It's just not possible without losing part of yourself along the way.

So sorry to hear about your sister. Will she be having radiation and surgery? There are new strides being made against cancer every day. The American Cancer Society offers various services that may be helpful in her daily living.

Hope things will improve between Brianna and her mother.

Luv ya, Marg

[kayc]

Marg,

So good to hear from you!  Today is Kodie and my Birthday, and this is the best present ever!

Thank you for bringing us up to date.  I was taking care of my sister, she had dementia, COPD, and Diabetes (which she did nothing for), she passed 3/28/22.  It was losing my best friend, I miss her each and every day, although I realize what a blessing it was for her that she went when she did, in her own home, in her sleep.

[Gin]

Happy birthday, Kay.

[Margm]

I hope this uploads right.  I'm no good at computer stuff.  It is getting late, but happy birthday to both of you.

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

I hope this uploads right.  I'm no good at computer stuff.  It is getting late, but happy birthday to both of you.

 

[Margm]

I should have left well enough alone.  So one is for you, one is for Kodie.

[V. R.]

Welcome back dear Marg, sorry to hear about your sorrows. Hope all works out for your sister. 

[Widow2015]

Happy Birthday Kay and Kodie.  🎂 Dee

[V. R.]

Happy birthday to you, Kay. ❤️🥳

[V. R.]

Happy birthday to your Kodie, too. ❤️🦴