If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

Made her call her doc twice and the PA who answers his calls twice made her feel better mentally.  We should have studied the pain med, it is an opiate.  She is retired nurse and I'm retired transcriber, so we should have done more ourselves.  She was hurting so.  She has a strong antibiotic (allergic to most antibiotics), but the urinating is easing up and I had the pain meds to her early this morning.  He is a GYN doc so he did some work from vaginal site too.  I would like to say she is a lot better today.  I have her car here, so the stubborn offspring of mine can't go anywhere (except Scott's truck is there).  She is so hard to hold down and never wants to be still and give into pain or illness.  Maybe the Ultram will let her sleep.  As of this afternoon, with the pain at a lot less a problem, and the urinating not as big a problem, I think (I'm hoping) she has in bed therapy rather than "retail therapy" which is her favorite therapy.  She has flowers and bushes growing all around the mobile home, a bird water/bath, a half dozen bird and hummingbird feeders, maybe she will just watch from the window from her bed.  She does not need to be bending, but she still likes to play in the dirt.  

I spent time with her and Scott this morning, I talk to each one at least once a day but got many hugs and sent her back to bed.  Her poodle is 12 years old now and her back legs ae not strong.  She is used to sitting on Kelli or next to her, and sleeps at her head.  

Did you all know most of us are an OWL?  Not to get racist or anything, but "old white lady" fits me to a T.  

Kay, I can't imagine the pain your daughter goes through for so many months.  My two cousins have been told that they need help with their over 80-year-old husbands.  One has Parkinson's and the two doctor sons are making my cousin get an inside helper and somehow we get rigid around 80 anyhow.  My other cousin's husband is losing weight, had teeth trouble (can't imagine having teeth), and his ankles are giving out.  Honestly, sometimes even WD-40 does not help.  Take care Gwen, I know your still having a hard time.  The rest of you, take care of yourselves too.  I think we are better.....some.  Thank y'all for thinking of us.  I know my kids are middle aged people, but they are, and as long as I live, will stay my babies.  

[kayc]

I am so glad Kelli is doing better!  This is great news!

The whole Peggy's estate thing keeps getting more complicated, now they need signatures on stuff from all of us (even though we don't inherit) INCLUDING MY XH we've been divorced 22 years!  I hope he cooperates and my daughter gets back to them in a timely manner.  I know kids shouldn't reflect on us, but still...

[Margm]

Lots better.  Caught her out watering her plants yesterday.  She was bent over but she just won't quit.  Her neighbors took her trash container out to the road and brought it back.  She is a person that thinks things should be done and YouTube, all the hardware stores, they all know her by name.  She does not take after me or Billy.  I guess my mom is as close as it gets.  Mama had her own tool box (while my dad was living) and if it needed fixed, she did it.  Her vegetable gardens were legendary (Victory Gardens) and the neighbors all got plenty.  Took her her car back home yesterday, but she is not supposed to be driving, and she will anyhow.  Her poodle sleeps at her head.  She was saying she always sleeps by her rear end and she is trying to protect her.  I said that was not the reason, it was self preservation as the air they have to insert during a laparoscopy has not all escaped yet.  Her daughter has given the personality that comes out sometimes as "The Kelster" because she wants things done, period.  And, she will fuss and fuss. 

About all.  I have enjoyed my day off selfishly.  I slept late and refilled my wax holders.  That is all I've done.  I hope you all are getting better.  I love y'all.  (Nawlins is 12-years-old and cannot jump up steps anymore.  Her back legs won't work right and she has lost a lot of her teeth.  (I can identify with her).   

[KarenK]

Me too Marg, few teeth and not too good on stairs.

Glad she is up and around. She sounds a lot like me in my younger days. I spent a week in the hospital after c section with Robert and wasn't supposed to lift anything. I remember being bent over with one hand holding my stomach and the other dragging the clothes basket through the house to the washer. Those clothes weren't going to wash themselves. I also rode to the ER with Robert at about 8 days old due to bleeding circumcision, which was a no no. Wasn't going to send my tiny baby there without me. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. Hope she feels better every day.

[Widow2015]

Marg:  Your Kelli is some strong lady.  Such good news knowing she is feeling stronger and has the drive to keep going.  I can imagine how relieved you are.  Good thoughts still with you all.  Dee

[kayc]

Wow (your mom and Kelli)!  I've always kept going, I don't know how I've survived all these years alone, nearly 17 now.  Today won't accomplish much, slept about 4 1/2 hours last night, woke up with a bad dream about Kodie being endangered, couldn't get back to sleep, gave up after two hours of laying there...time stands still and drags in the middle of the night!

Her dog is adorable!

[V. R.]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

about 4 1/2 hours last night

That's my average. Sometimes even just a couple of hours, need to take anxiety med if I want to get at least 6/7 hours sleep.

Talking of sleeping, I had a wonderful dream last night about my beloved soulmate, that I wanted to share here. In this dream, he had come back to me saying that we had all made a big mistake, he hadn't really left this world after all, and had been here all the time. It was so real, we hugged each other so tightly and I said how sorry I was to have made this mistake. I woke up still feeling his touch, his warmth, his comforting words assuring me that I hadn't lost him. It took me a few seconds to realise it was unfortunately just a dream and I cried, of course.  I always do anyway when I get up in the morning and when I go to bed. 

13 hours ago, Marg M said:

15 hours ago, Marg M said:

Mama had her own tool box (while my dad was living) and if it needed fixed

 

I always used to say to my husband that we have more DIY stuff in our house than you'd find in any hardware store. There was absolutely nothing he couldn't fix -whether it was to do with plumbing jobs, electricity, mechanical, car maintenance, etc. We have outdoor sheds filled with tools, tool boxes in all our rooms, everytime we went strolling around department stores, he would never leave without buying spare bulbs, nuts and bolts, other types of hardware goods, just to keep in the house. "you never know..." he would say to me. Oh, how I miss all that. Every time I open the garage where his tractor is, I see that bottle of motor oil and oil filter sitting there on the boot. He had only just bought those things a few days before it happened, was going to do the oil change on the tractor himself. 

 

[kayc]

I just scheduled my car for an oil change and tire rotation Monday, not going to dealer this time, tired of making all the trips to the valley and the exorbitant prices.  Will take it there someday but not now.  I need to simplify things in my life right now, for survival.

Got 7 1/2 hours... @V. R.I take a sleeping pill at night so to only get a little amount of sleep WITH it seems wrong!  I went without sleep for years after George died before I finally gave in and accepted it...  My anxiety medicine doesn't cause drowsiness, I take it in the morning and at night, I was prescribed 3/day but have cut it to 2.

[Gwenivere]

I just want to sleep 'normally' like I did when Steve was here. The amount didn’t seem to matter.  6,7,8……..they all worked.  Now I take meds, but I think I would sleep without them.  It’s the only place  get some relief mentally and physically. But that’s changed.  The dreams (if any) aren’t as welcoming or warm, I could sleep much longer but med needs and pain wake me up and being conscious means depression and pain.  Maybe it’s all because I miss him so much.  I wish this was a mistake too.  😥

 

[nashreed]

Heading into the 2 year mark, it really has sunk in how alone I am, and how many possible years I face missing her. I was in denial for a long time, thinking there was some way back to my old life, but that fantasy, that illusion, has faded. The loss of love in my life has made me just a shell of a person. 

My dreams don't comfort me anymore either. I look forward to sleep, because it's not this miserable life. I'm trying to be "tough" and accept that I am alone- I have accepted in my head that no one needs or cares about me, but it's a hard reality to face in the dark, before sleep comes. So many "friends" that were at least checking in with me on Facebook after she left have forgotten I exist. I'm younger than most of you, but still feel too old to start over. I'm so tired of this life, when I just want to be with Annette. 

[V. R.]

9 hours ago, nashreed said:

The loss of love in my life has made me just a shell of a

I understand how you feel, but I try to get through this by thinking that although my husband isn't here, the love we shared together still is, it hasn't been lost. This will never be taken away from me, I carry  his warmth, his kindness, his passion, his whole person inside me, in my mind, my heart, my soul. I manage to survive this way,  treasuring memories of the times spent together. I go about my day talking to him and at times when I'm discussing something with someone, I find myself saying  things that he would have said, talking in the same manner, I'm more him now, than me. He made me a better person and I refuse to let this cruel fate that has come upon us destroy that.

A year and a half has passed for me, and I am annoyed that time passes, how dare the world moves on without him... He's missing out on so much, just not fair. I feel worse every day that goes by, nearly broke down in a hardware shop I visited the other day (his favourite store), had to rush outside back into my car. 

[kayc]

6 hours ago, V. R. said:

I try to get through this by thinking that although my husband isn't here, the love we shared together still is, it hasn't been lost. This will never be taken away from me, I carry  his warmth, his kindness, his passion, his whole person inside me, in my mind, my heart, my soul. I manage to survive this way,  treasuring memories of the times spent together. I go about my day talking to him

This all resonates with me, I feel the same.

Yet nothing, NOTHING feels the same feeling as I got when he held me or when I slept curled up in him.  It was the best feeling in the world, all was right with the world then.

 

[scba]

On 4/22/2022 at 8:56 AM, kayc said:

Wow (your mom and Kelli)!  I've always kept going, I don't know how I've survived all these years alone, nearly 17 now.  Today won't accomplish much, slept about 4 1/2 hours last night, woke up with a bad dream about Kodie being endangered, couldn't get back to sleep, gave up after two hours of laying there...time stands still and drags in the middle of the night!

Her dog is 

I haven't been able to have a restful sleep since then. I start "waking up" at around 6am and sleep a little more up to 7am. 8am in the weekend.

I feel so alone when I go to bed. Sometimes I try to keep myself busy I put a YouTube video to have noise in the background. I know there are effective bedtime routines to try.  When I'm in bed I have to make a lot of effort to not think of bad things and feelings. I try to think of animals for example. And I think that the fact that I make an effort when I shouldn't makes me sleep badly. I don't fall asleep "relaxed". Sometimes I take a pill. I dont want to.

I so badly miss him when I go to bed. I think of him as someone who will stay awaken to protect me. But it's not enough. It will never be. I don't want him to be an angel. It's unfair. I hate nights. 

[kayc]

Is it normal not to sleep?
These Sleep Experts Explain How to Get the Best Rest

 

[V. R.]

I sometimes feel that the only way to get through this unbearable pain is to just pretend I'm no longer the same person I was when my husband was with me. That person actually died with him, so now I am someone else. On the other hand, I say, no, why should I do that? I am what I am because of him, know so much thanks to him, broadened my horizons thanks to him, learned how to love because of him, he was the only one who had ever loved me, respected me, created an unbreakable bond with me, gave me two beautiful children, went through so many difficult times together. He was and still is my world and it's going to stay that way until the day we shall reunite. I miss you so much, my love, more and more every day. 

Lately, I've been looking up famous poets' quotes during my quest to find some forms of comfort to help me through my day.  I must say that I've suddenly developed new interests which I use for releasing my desperation and torment,like reading quotes from J. Keats:  "Nothing ever becomes real 'til it's experienced".   "Two souls with but a single thought. Two hearts that beat as one".     "You have absorbed me. I have a sensation at the present moment as though I was dissolving".  I can so much relate to all these thoughts. I've also made my own interpretation of Dante's most famous quote:  "Midway upon the journey of our life, I found myself  within a forest dark, for the straightforward path had been lost".   This is just how I feel right now.

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

6 hours ago, V. R. said:

Two hearts that beat as one

That's how we always felt.

 

[KarenK]

Just rambling here...As I get older, my mind drifts back to fun times as a kid. When we lived in Colter Bay, Wy., my dad tended bar at the "Tap Room"(beer only) one summer. That in itself was funny as he was a total non drinker, but working for the Grand Teton Lodge Company, you took whatever job was available. Next door was a little restaurant that sold ice cream. I used to love a scoop of chocolate with marshmallow cream. Hadn't had any in more years than I care to count, so bought some this week. It's just not the same. Of course, I'm not quite the same either. Oh, well😂

[kayc]

4 hours ago, KarenK said:

It's just not the same. Of course, I'm not quite the same either. Oh, well😂

We have more depth to us having lived/learned what's valuable in life...funny it comes with grey hair and wrinkles at the same time!

[Gwenivere]

That’s a great memory, Karen.  I was a chocolate chip gal all the way.  Getting Baskin Robins was a treasured time as they put lots of chips compared to grocery store stuff.  I liked marshmallow stuff as a kid, but not when I grew up.  Peeps are a perfect example.   Makes my teeth hurt just thinking about them.  Remember when the ice cream section was small?  Basics, CC and neapolitian the main content?  I look at all the stuff now, huge selection, and wold be hard pressed to choose.  Let’s not forget fudge sickles soft serve and other frozen treats!!  🍦

[kayc]

I loved fudge sickles and orange dream cycles.  I make something that reminds me of the dream sickles. Lemon is expensive so I usually make the orange, love them!
 

KETO DREAMSICKLES or LEMONADE JELLO WHIPS

ingredients

1 (.3 oz) box of Sugar Free Lemon or Orange Jello or other
2 Tbsp Swerve
3/4 cup boiling water
1 cup ice water
1 cup plain non-fat Greek yogurt
1 slice lemon

instructions

1.  Add 3/4 cup boiling water to a medium sized bowl.  Pour in Jello powder and stir until fully dissolved.

2.  Make 1 cup ice water by measuring out 1 cup of ice, and pouring water in until it fills the cup.

3.  Add ice water to the dissolved Jello and mix until ice melts and Jello thickens.

4.  Add Jello mixture and 1 cup yogurt to a blender and blend on high for 30 seconds.

5.  Pour the Jello into serving glasses or a medium sized bowl and chill for 2 hours.  Can add whipped cream.

If making with large pkg, add extra cup of ice water.

Make with orange instead of lemon and when set up, fold in whipped cream.  Tastes like Dreamsickles!

[V. R.]

Just like the title of this thread, everyday is like living in hell, but the weekends are double hell and now that Spring is here, Summer on the way, it's treble hell. This everlasting feeling of intense sadness has just worsened, watching all this nature around me evolving just aggravates my grief, every new flower I see blooming frustrates me, every bird singing, every morning when I see this blue sky and sun shining, I just want to cry and cry. My love isn't here to see this. Why? No explanation, never will be. 

I feel so useless because there's so much to do outside on our land, but I'm limited without my soulmate and the use of mechanical appliances. I have  managed to prepare a piece of land with a hoe, to plant a few vegetables. Digging up claysoil is almost impossible to do by hand but I insisted, it was so difficult, had to use all the physical strength I had but while I was  strenuously hoeing,  I was able release a liitle of all that hell I have inside me, even if it was just a temporary relief for a couple of hours. 

James, you mentioned in another topic about not feeling needed by anyone and I understand perfectly. You do have your mother and brother with you, I'm sure you all love and need each other, like I have my kids with me, my parents, my FIL with his 2nd wife, who all live in town, BUT of course, we all miss that special feeling of closeness, familiarity, reading each other's minds, being able to look in each other's eyes and understand what the other is thinking, things which you can only have your partner. We were a team, I'm nothing without him, he was our rock, it's a bit like being left adrift with not even a log to hold on to. 

It's early morning here but you, my friends, are probably about to go to bed or perhaps already sleeping, wishing you all a good night's sleep, and Gwen, so sorry you're still suffering so much pain, hang on in there, you'll make it. 

[kayc]

My other site has a thread about this very subject, how Spring affects their grief.  

The person who does my lawn care, trees, etc. was supposed to come yesterday, never showed.

I don't need anyone to need me so much as care...I miss that two way caring.  It's been a long time.

I should be sleeping, can't sleep...my son had Covid all week and now my DIL has it, worried about the kids, age 7 & 5.  Ceci's bdy party is supposed to be Memorial Day.  This sounds like Ba.2, lungs/coughing.

[V. R.]

Sorry to hear  that Covid has got to your family Kay, I'm sure they will be o.k, just a little patience and wait till it's over. My daughter had it over the Christmas/New Year period, she only had high temperature for a couple of days but regulations were very rigid at the time and she had to isolate for 3weeks until coming out negative. . My son and I didn't get it, probably because we'd had our 3rd booster a month earlier but my daughter hadn't yet. 

Wishing you and your family all the best. 

[kayc]

They have their shots, got it anyway, don't know if the kids have been immunized or not.

[nashreed]

11 hours ago, V. R. said:

Just like the title of this thread, everyday is like living in hell, but the weekends are double hell and now that Spring is here, Summer on the way, it's treble hell. This everlasting feeling of intense sadness has just worsened, watching all this nature around me evolving just aggravates my grief, every new flower I see blooming frustrates me, every bird singing, every morning when I see this blue sky and sun shining, I just want to cry and cry. My love isn't here to see this. Why? No explanation, never will be. 

I feel so useless because there's so much to do outside on our land, but I'm limited without my soulmate and the use of mechanical appliances. I have  managed to prepare a piece of land with a hoe, to plant a few vegetables. Digging up claysoil is almost impossible to do by hand but I insisted, it was so difficult, had to use all the physical strength I had but while I was  strenuously hoeing,  I was able release a liitle of all that hell I have inside me, even if it was just a temporary relief for a couple of hours. 

James, you mentioned in another topic about not feeling needed by anyone and I understand perfectly. You do have your mother and brother with you, I'm sure you all love and need each other, like I have my kids with me, my parents, my FIL with his 2nd wife, who all live in town, BUT of course, we all miss that special feeling of closeness, familiarity, reading each other's minds, being able to look in each other's eyes and understand what the other is thinking, things which you can only have your partner. We were a team, I'm nothing without him, he was our rock, it's a bit like being left adrift with not even a log to hold on to. 

It's early morning here but you, my friends, are probably about to go to bed or perhaps already sleeping, wishing you all a good night's sleep, and Gwen, so sorry you're still suffering so much pain, hang on in there, you'll make it. 

Oh, how I despise the weekends. All the happy families with their screaming brood- enjoying the weather, together...I actually love seeing birds and nature, and they bring solace and comfort. 

I'm so isolated and can't stand my life, a life devoid of happiness. I sometimes will just stop in the middle of walking and stand and just want to cry. I never do. I'm dead inside. My mother and brother live here, but there's not a lot of connection. They'll never understand me. I'm just her son- if we weren't related we wouldn't choose to hang with each other, y'know. All three of us are miserable in our own ways. My Mom misses all her family, and despairs her failed marriage. My brother still pines for the "one that got away" in college. We're all just walking wounded. My brother is so irritating and insufferable. He has a cold (not COVID) and he has a cough that lasts for weeks after (this has been going on for years, every year he gets these colds). He's coughing his brains out all night but WON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. He keeps me awake with it. I worry about him, and I hate that I'm stressed out about him. He won't go to his doctor. He barely takes any medicine for it. Disgusting content ahead: He refuses to blow his damn nose. He's constantly sniffing it up and I tell him that's your friggin problem, but nobody listens to me. He'd rather cough his head off. I don't understand my family at all. I wish I had children now. All I think of is my non-future. One of us will die first and be stuck with a hoarder house. 

I just don't even feel like I was a husband anymore. That's what I was most proud of. I feel like the world ended and I'm a survivor in the wreckage. If anyone remembers the Twilight Zone episode with Burgess Meredith. He survived a nuclear bomb, is going to shoot himself because he's so lonely and then he finds a library and has all the time he wants to read- until he breaks his glasses. I hope he was able to find that gun again. 

I wish someone cared about me. I wish someone would freaking text me and say "Hi" or something. I admit to checking this Forum multiple times a day just for some human contact. There's usually no new posts all day. I am definitely in Hell. I just want to leave.