If You're Going Through Hell

[kayc]

Thank you!  I showed Kodie his email bdy card from his vet last  night!  He earnestly looked at it as I read it to him!  Esp. the part where it said for me to give him a TREAT! 

 

[brat#2]

Sorry a day late, but Happy Birthday Kay and Kodie.

[kayc]

Thank you, Joyce!

[Margm]

Marty Robbins sang one of his last songs "Some Memories Just Won't Die" and I cry every time I hear it.  I don't force myself to listen to it.  On FB they have a memories section for each day from years back.  I do not like to visit that time seven years ago, but two days before Billy "left" this was posted by me.  I still feel that way. 

[kayc]

I like this, thanks!  What we all miss.

[Margm]

I've quoted this before.  It was in my memories from a few years ago on FB, came on after midnight.  I know she wanted to leave her marriage early, husband Joe was a lot to handle.  Being devout Catholics, her dad would not let her leave.  I think we have come a long way with the Me2 movement, but we as women sometimes in her days, and later on too, were considered as lesser humans.  But, it was not always that way.  Billy did tell me marriage was 75/25, and guess which part was mine.  I worked myself up to 50/50 though.  Our older generation of people we miss terribly, but we have had some enlightening, 

[Margm]

Last one.  Why does it have to be this way.  It is Monday, October 17th.  This is a day.  Period.  Does it ever quit?  It will when I leave.  One of you might have sent this to me.  Does anything help?  Heck no.  But I do talk  to the moon.

[KarenK]

This one is very special, Marg.

Not sure it ever ends, just becomes a bit easier to bear. Not much else you can do. Sending a big hug your way.

[kayc]

Yes, II like this one too, have seen the poem before!  Reminds me of one up on my wall.

[Widow2015]

11 hours ago, Marg M said:

  It is Monday, October 17th.  This is a day.  Period.  Does it ever quit?  It will when I leave.

Marg: Another hug for you.   No, it never quits as we wait for our turn to leave.💕 Dee

[brat#2]

You are in my thoughts and sending hugs. Joyce

[Margm]

I'm online, but Kelli gave me a newer computer and set it up for me.  I can get in my google account but not my yahoo.com account.  My sister is having another course of chemo and she has it put in, they use some other kind of chemo and then she goes home with another kind in a sort of carrier for constant chemo until probably Friday.  Cannot expect her to be in a good mood (gotta fake one if you have to show a smiling face on chemo).  She is not fake.  Food tastes bad for awhile but then she can eat.  She actually feels good for a few days (or at least better), but still won't sign up for the things she needs.  (Does not want to get the papers together.)  She reminds me so much of my dad.  

I had to have Brianna take a picture of my drivers license and I've frozen myself out of the yahoo account until tomorrow.  Google is so easy to use but I have used the yahoo account for so many years.  Only talk to people across the pond.  Two I just had to tell them they were talking to someone who did not speak English (me), and only talked "old southern woman English."  Had to hang up on them.  They use nothing but Oriental, and I love Oriental people (my granddaughter's father was from Thailand.)  She has the beautiful skin, dark hair and eyes, but eyes are only slightly Oriental and of course she speaks English.  I keep thinking though, it would be good to hire Americans, or whatever nationality they could train and keep the services in the USA.  (See, it is a good day for me, I only have to rant, I'm good at that.).  Will try to get on when I get my yahoo fixed.  I came through the side door for today's rant.  

[scba]

But if they hire people in American territory they would have to pay higher wages plus social services. And maybe they would charge you for the call. It is cheaper to hire off shore services. People abroad are almost bilingual nowadays. If you speak decent English, there are more possibilities to earn some more money. 

The average income in Asia for call center workers would be less than 300 dollars. You would say that life is cheaper there. That is from the point of view from wealthy nationals and wealthy retired foreigners. And tourists. Commodities (food and oil) are goods with prices in dollars. Regardless of the currency of your country. 

It can be checked with the Made in China/Turkey/Morocco tag from Wallmart clothes. Taiwan used to be fashionable in the 90s. 

Rising inequality and climate change..... 

That is the effect from globalization and it cannot be changed. We are not going back. I just wanted to describe it. Not implying anything about anyone here. It is not political either. 

Ana

[Margm]

8 hours ago, scba said:

It is cheaper to hire off shore services

See, that is just not right.  It is not right for the offshore people, it is like the old sweatshops, rules don't apply, no overtime, any number of hours, etc.  My cousin fought for same pay for women professors at her college she went to and received all her degrees from.  She had the same tenure as the men, but she was a woman teaching the same classes and got paid less.  She took retirement early.  They would not change the rules.  In the 1950's my dad sold my mom's new house without telling her.  (I'll bet she whispered it in his ear on his dying bed.)  I'll bet he wished he hadn't done that.  They stayed together and she flipped another house to look better than the last.  Men can't do that anymore.  A wife has some rights. I became friends with a guy who owned a transcription service years ago, he was in Japan (I think).  He wanted me to work for him and they did not pay him much.  Yet, he was the man of his whole family and he was very prosperous.  I was proud of him.  You write beautiful English, but some of the people who are forced to talk to me do not understand this deep southern old woman with a very country accent. 

Oh yes and the cheapest service will be $5 a month, where I didn't pay anything for at least 15 or more years.  (My two orders at Dairy Queen were almost twice what I had been paying.) So, guess that is with us but I was afraid to get groceries because I can't drive after dark.  (I didn't plan ahead).  

[kayc]

I'm going to have to start paying for google as I've had my gmail since 2006 and I'm out of allotted room.  Holding off until I'm closer to being out as it's for the rest of my life...it's almost a journal of my life where I can find anything, I don't want to let it go!

[Margm]

I have all my information on Yahoo and have a Google account, but just got used to using the Yahoo.  Will just change things to my Google.  I get frustrated very easy, but that is not really anything new to me..  I take my daughter for some tests that she has to be sedated for Friday and my sister is hanging in and has some problems, but it is getting used to not having a job paycheck mostly.  Right now I am pretty down, perhaps being pulled three ways.  My son calls me each night and he "listens" to me talk.  He is like his dad, he either does not talk much or I never let either of them say much. 

[Widow2015]

14 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Right now I am pretty down, perhaps being pulled three ways.  My son calls me each night and he "listens" to me talk.  He is like his dad, he either does not talk much or I never let either of them say much. 

Marg: Keeping you in my thoughts as you take care of your family. 

I wish my daughter lived close by so I could sit in the same room and talk like I used to do with my Mom or let her listen to me as your son listens to you.  He is a good son.  My son wants to do all the talking and can't seem to remember what I told him.  I love him to death but have to chuckle at his thinking sometimes.  Good thoughts.  Dee🙏🏻

[Margm]

For awhile I forgot my words.  Now, I remember many word salads to say.  After reading my first post three days after Billy left this world, my mind has gone through so many changes.  Sometimes I know I am 80, but sometimes my family thinks I am ageless.  I go to bed at night and pray for my three girls and my boy.  Billy's sister is five years younger than he would be.  I had noticed some things that were not typical for him and I lay it on the sickness, when I found out.  His road rage was terrible. (We don't own anything but broken down hunting guns.)  His sister is in advanced dementia.  But remember what the doc told me about Xanax.  I actually am afraid to die, believing I will be in a better place, but I've still got these problems that are dependent on me financially and mentally.  My daughter will fuss with me like I am her sister and I think, "Hmmm, think I will call elder abuse" but not really.  (She does so much for me.) I sit in the recliner, TV is on, I don't really care for TV, but like to read.  Strange thing is, if I read in recliner, I go to sleep.  Not so in the bed.  Then I think "you have that elliptical you need to get on so you can lose weight and get healthy."  Why?  

There is still a terrible hurt to see Billy's pictures and think a lot about him.  Oh, I have not forgot him at all, but I can remember his little gentleman's four-year-old picture sometimes instead of his beautiful self, and he was more handsome, to me, at 75 than even at 20.  

Thank you Marty for allowing me to read my first posts.  I was always afraid (and unsure how to find them) to see my feelings.  After seven years, yes Rose Kennedy, the wound is still there, but I can feel scar tissue over that wound. (Sometimes the scar tissue falls off too.) There is so much that needs to be done here, but my little poem from 1982, is true. "I'm not that important, life still goes on; if I wasn't here, then I'd be gone." 

[kayc]

And in case anyone wants to know, all you have to do is go to your profile/activity and then click on 

It will take you to your first page, first post.

[MartyT]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

all you have to do is go to your profile/activity and then click on 

It will take you to your first page, first post.

Yes ~ but make sure to click on the See their activity icon first (at the top on the right). Once on Margm's profile page, for example, the See their activity link https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/profile/23422-margm/content/ takes you to "Everything posted by Margm" ~ from page 1 to page 197  

[V. R.]

Lately, I feel like I've gone back to "square one", worse than ever. Not that I had moved forward much anyway. Perhaps it's because  two days ago marked 2 years since I lost the love of my life, although it still seems like yesterday. I think it will always seem like yesterday, even in twenty years' time, time doesn't exit in this case. The cold rainy weather, shops filled with Christmas decorations / "Panettone" cakes, doesn't help much either. I hate going to the supermarket without my husband but these days it has become pure torture! I usually go with my mother and I'm always in a rush, hurrying to buy the basic necessities, trying not to look at those festive aisles,cant wait to get back home to my safety/comfort  nest. 

[Roxi]

Ciao Enza i understand...it was the same for me! I don't know how and when it has become more manageable...i'm still missing him all the time but that " triggers" don't hurt me so much....and it's good! Maybe it's true that time heal...at least something does!

Ciao un abbraccio🥰...

 

 

[kayc]

Yes, kind of feeling it too.  I usually stick to my grocery list and don't look at anything else, almost have to with the prices nowadays, plus my special dietary needs, but I'm annoyed that some people are rushing Christmas, as early as Halloween!  Let's enjoy (or not) one thing at a time.  For me, I'm not feeling it this year.  Maybe it's the onset of winter or maybe it's being alone all the time...for 17 1/2 years now.

[Margm]

I can remember when special days were really special.  I think those were the days I had to join in and didn't mind.  Yet, I hate for my Grinch mood to ruin it for others.  Hard to pretend anymore.  But then again, I did not used to have to pretend, it was honest true feelings of happiness.  I think it was my mom who used to sing this song to me when I was feeling sorry for myself: Nobody likes me
Everybody hates me
Guess I'll go eat worms
Big, fat, juicy ones
Long, thin, slimey ones

I decided I liked me too much for that.   

[Widow2015]

21 hours ago, Margm said:

Everybody hates me
Guess I'll go eat worms
Big, fat, juicy ones
Long, thin, slimey ones

Marg: Thanks for the memory.  I remember that silly little song from my childhood.  Made me smile. 

On 11/17/2022 at 6:57 AM, kayc said:

but I'm annoyed that some people are rushing Christmas, as early as Halloween!  Let's enjoy (or not) one thing at a time.  For me, I'm not feeling it this year. 

Last evening as I was coming home from my eye appointment - I hire a medical transport service for these eye appointments since I don't trust my vision after the injection treatments.  The driver is the least friendly driver in this small company.  She lets you know she doesn't want to chat.  Due to a couple of emergencies that day, the appointment took longer than any other appointment since my eye injection treatments began, back in 2016.  It was 5:30 PM and very dark out.  The car radio was playing Christmas music, my eyes had been dilated and each light reflection turned into a circular ferris wheel shapes against the blackness.  As I sat in silence trying to keep eyes closed for the 45-minute drive home it took everything inside me to fight back tears reminding me how alone I felt and how the Christmas music and circles of bright lights were leaning towards torture.  The aloneness even when around others still hurts so deeply.  It felt good to get home and no Christmas music to hear. Dee