It hurts so bad

[kayc]

Ana,

I'm sorry you've been sick, Ihope it starts getting better for you soon.

[scba]

Thank you everybody. 

[Margm]

Ana, I know how hard it is to be sick without the one who helped take care of us throughout our life.  I wish you the best and hope you feel better each day.  I am sorry you are ill.  I walked to the mailbox down the road yesterday and was surprised how tired I was for that short walk.  Grieving is tiresome.  Our immune system is so far down, almost nonexistent.  

[scba]

Thank you Marg. It is exausting, yes. I have a cold with cough. During half of the night and unable to sleep because I was coughing, I thought: "I am alone in my bed, I could die from cough....but nobody dies anymore from a cough". I am still here! My boyfriend had so much inner power that he was able to take care of me if I had a cold, even though he had half of his health. I have a simple cold and I have no will to leave the bed to prepare a snack for lunch. 

[mittam99]

8 minutes ago, scba said:

I have a simple cold and I have no will to leave the bed to prepare a snack for lunch. 

Ana, that's totally understandable, but please take care of yourself, ok?

I know your boyfriend's not here and life isn't the same. I'm sure you have days you just don't care about this life...

But, you are still here and you are a good person. Get some rest and feel better!

[Margm]

Ana, I do not cook anymore.  I keep  Boost and Ensure on hand for these times.  I must be doing something right, or in my case wrong, because I have gained two pounds.  Surely there are healthy things on this low residue diet I can never get off of, that will help me lose weight.  Anyhow, I don't even put them in the refrigerator, I just drink one out of the cabinet.  You can drink it fast and know you are at least getting some of what you need.  Keep up your strength, please.  I also keep turkey for sandwiches.  You get tired of them, but I have no need or real feelings to cook myself anything.  Easy to cook the Lean Cuisine in the microwave.  "I will cook no more forever"  

[Gwenivere]

Marg, one of the biggest things I miss is cooking dinner for us.  We weren't fancy, but to have a sit down meal together I took for granted.  Every time I sit at that table I am painfully aware I am alone.  There should be talking, me getting in him for violating the rule of bringing his phone to the table, his messiness the dogs depended on to snag on th floor.  I manage to 'cook', but it is so minimal.  Also for ease of clean up because doing dishes with no on to chat with is really depressing.  I haven't gone to the liquid supplements yet.  Hoping I can avoid that.  It's another one of those pleasurable things that get stole away we never even thought about at the time.

[scba]

3 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Ana, that's totally understandable, but please take care of ylf, ok?

I know your bnd's not here and life isn't the same. I'm sure you have days you just don't care about this life...

But, you are still here and you are a good person. Get some rest and feel better!

Thank you Mitch, I will take care of myself Because not feeling well adds more Weight to this load we have.

 

[Margm]

Gwen, I promise I am not transgender, I have always been a girly-girl.  But, housekeeping and cooking were not in my job description.  I had rather be outside, but not planting or fixing up the yard either.  Well, when it came right down to it, I guess I am just lazy.  I preferred fishing.  I loved getting in the boat and going up or down the bayou.  Never wanted to be "home."  I did cry when we sold our last RV.  Never cried leaving a stix and brix home.  I would have been a good gypsy, open fire cooking, etc.  

[Gwenivere]

Marg, when I think about gypsy women type, I think of Cher and Stevie Nicks.  Love them both and did the gypsy attire in my youth.  And that was disco era!  Talk about standing out.  But in a good way.  Never was a good lemming.  

[scba]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

.  It's another one of those pleasurable things that get stole away we never even thought about at the time.

I enjoyed cooking, I am/was a very good cook, have many books, wrote down recipies, had appliances, bakery stuff, things for muffins, cupcakes etc. He Took pleasure in eating, he was always happy with my recipies, he loved sweets and desserts. I made cookies and he ate most of them. All of it is so Gone , in my everyday I cook meals I can eat quickly to leave the table quickly too. Who cares about lasagna, roasted beef, and my french and italian dishes anymore. I cook cakes from those pre made powder. I have take away pizza. I sometimes have a tea with cookies for dinner. Another aspect that brings no fun anymore.

 

What the hell is all this about??? How can I enjoy what I enjoyed? What is the lesson I am missing? 

 

[mittam99]

Ana, believe me I understand. I loved cooking meals for Tammy and sometimes they were pretty elaborate. It gave me so much pleasure knowing my food made her happy. Now, it's just open the fridge, look for something easy, and call it a day.  Food used to bring pleasure, now it's just something you need to do. And really isn't that pretty much how everything feels in this new life? Nothing feels as good as it did.

The same music that gave us comfort, now brings tears. TV shows we used to watch with our beloved seem almost unwatchable. The hobbies we used to enjoy don't have the same meaning. Finding pleasure is a near impossible task. But this life we're living is our new reality and somehow we need to find something that gives us enjoyment. All of us are a long way from reaching that lofty goal.

I'm functioning better than I was. I've adapted to this new life in some ways. But functioning and adapting are a far cry from pleasure and enjoyment.

It all goes back to just taking things moment to moment. Maybe when we aren't even looking for it, that spark of hope and even some sense of happiness will find it's way into our lives.

-----------------------------------------------------------

On a lighter note, these are for you Gwen.

 

[Margm]

My granddaughter went to the 1975 concert in New Orleans tonight.  She was so excited.  She can only compare them as second to her 5-SOS (seconds of summer) group.  My son is going to see Journey in Little Rock in August, I think.  I will be gone from AR then.  I would love to see Journey live with Arnel Pineda, but will not travel back to AR to see this.  The only concerts Billy and I attended were at our State Fair in Shreveport.  I remember us walking out on an Eddie Rabbit concert, and I feel bad about that now.  We went to football games but had not done that in years.  When we go to a restaurant with loud music (now) I cannot tolerate it.  I love Stevie Nicks and Cher though.  Still would not come back to AR to see even Journey.  These two songs above do not make me sad.  I hope everyone has a restful night.

Okay, I cannot cook, no housekeeper, yards keeper, and I cannot sing or dance either.  Totally useless.  

[Clematis]

On May 7, 2016 at 1:36 PM, Gin said:

This journey is so hard, especially doing it alone.  Most of my family and friends are finished and not too interested in dealing with grief anymore.  The phone calls are few and far between.  Even though Al was so good to my kids, it is not their father and not the same.  I have no ambition to work in the yard.  None at all!  There is always something going wrong with the house and lately, my body.  It is such a lonely existence.  I am seriously thinking about getting a dog.  Our dog of 18 years died about 5 years ago.   Al did not want another one.  Because of Al's blindness, he was afraid of tripping over a new dog. 

Gin, I really understand about being alone making things really difficult. I am in the same boat on that one, although I have felt a lot less alone since being in this forum. This morning I woke up with vertigo-a first. My first thought was that this was catastrophic, and I had no help at all. I tried calling my cat to help me, "Oh come on in here and do some therapy or something!" but she didn't come. I was able to figure out after a little texting with a friend that there is a maneuver you can do-even alone at home-that fixes this most of the time. But I was afraid and alone and it was not good. And the cat would not even help! 

I think getting a dog might be a great idea! I have thought about it a lot myself. I can't really have a dog because I am gone too long at work. You can't leave a dog at home inside for 14 hours...But maybe you could...and the dog would have a home too!

[Gin]

Laura,

the last dog I had was great!  I used to leave him alone from 6:15 a.m. Until 4:30.  Only 10 hours.  Never had an accident.  I felt bad leaving him that long, but at least I saved him.  Hope your vertigo is better.  Did it calm down?  I am thinking about getting one of those Life Alert buttons.  

Gin

[mittam99]

I don't know any other way to put it... today sucks. So, what's different today versus all the other miserable, painful, lonely days in L.A.T. (life after Tammy)?

Well, for starters, it's another day without my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my soul mate, my perfect wife, my joy... my everything. And... it's my birthday. Now, I will admit it's been a while since my birthday brought a real sense of joy. It's just a "special" day to make note of the fact I'm one year older.  I'm also a bit under the weather and it's a chilly, gloomy day here. The only thing that would have made today a good day is having Tammy back. She made every day we spent together so much better. That's the only present I need. Can someone wake me up from this nightmare and let me know it was all just a terribly bad dream?

On a somewhat better note, my sisters took me out to dinner Sunday for a Mother's Day/Mitch's Birthday celebration. It was very nice but it's still painfully hard sitting in that chair as widower Mitch and not having my Tammy by my side.

[Polly]

Happy birthday Mitch! I felt the same way last month on my birthday. My family was great and surprised me with a birthday party. It was the big 50. All 6 of my sisters were there and their husbands and some of my nieces and nephews and my mom. I tried to enjoy it but all I kept thinking about was that Richard should be here and my dad. I agree, just wake me up from this nightmare!

[Margm]

Mitch, none of us would be here if we could help conjure up those we lost and still love.  My days run from dramatic, soulful, depressed, stone-cold, to wet from crying.  I would like things to be better, but we all know they never will be the kind of better we had with our love.  I was blessed with many years, I wanted many more.  I know the rest of the year is going to be terrible when we cannot get through a Mother's Day without missing our mate, my kids missing their dad.  Even the words "Mama gets a pass" make me cry.  But, here is the best I can do and the miracle is, you have made it to another birthday.  No streamers and fireworks, but another day is gone and we are still here.  

[Polly]

On ‎5‎/‎8‎/‎2016 at 4:17 PM, Gwenivere said:

Marg, one of the biggest things I miss is cooking dinner for us.  We weren't fancy, but to have a sit down meal together I took for granted.  Every time I sit at that table I am painfully aware I am alone.  There should be talking, me getting in him for violating the rule of bringing his phone to the table, his messiness the dogs depended on to snag on th floor.  I manage to 'cook', but it is so minimal.  Also for ease of clean up because doing dishes with no on to chat with is really depressing.  I haven't gone to the liquid supplements yet.  Hoping I can avoid that.  It's another one of those pleasurable things that get stole away we never even thought about at the time.

I really don't cook much anymore. It was never my favorite thing to do anyway. I did it for Richard. Now it's just me and Nicole and we just eat easy stuff most days. We don't even sit at the table anymore. I just can't. I eat in the livingroom and watch tv. Nicole usually eats in her bedroom.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, dear Mitch. Days like these lose their special-ness when we've lost the one person who made them really stand out for us. I hope you find a way to pamper yourself in ways that your precious Tammy would have done on your birthday ~ and know that all your friends here are wishing you peace and healing on your special day. Maybe a bit of chocolate will help, too  ♥

 

[kayc]

[Margm]

I think I must have slept about 15 hours yesterday.  Either packing, emotions, or just plain being old wore me down.  All this talk about liking to cook makes my mind turn to other things.  I hate cooking.  I hate housekeeping.  I am just a different breed of female, but still female.  My feelings have always been with the Native Americans.  I so wanted to be a member of some tribe so I could get angry at the white man for driving us off our land.  I found the picture of my squaw great grandmother.  Unfortunately, that squaw was totally Irish and my son gets peeved with me for denying our Celtic heritage.  I can imagine I would have been the carrot topped, freckled kid that the real Native Americans would have thrown rocks at.  The Nez Perce Native American Chief Joseph said "I will fight no more forever."  Well, that is about as close as I can come.  "I will cook no more forever."  My cousin bought my grandmother a set of the newest cookware thinking it would help her cooking.  He said it didn't.  Well, Paula Deen's purple cookware did not help me either, but it was a gift, so I will move it with me.  

Happy Birthday again Mitch.  I know Happy is just a word.  All of these are just words.

[mittam99]

1 minute ago, Marg M said:

  Happy Birthday again Mitch.  I know Happy is just a word.  All of these are just words.

You're right, words are words. But sometimes a kind or encouraging word can be very powerful and even emotionally healing.

[scba]

I will change words and say: Kind Birthday Mitch

[enna]

Happy Birthday, Mitch. I'll eat any chocolate that is left over. Those special days we used to celebrate with our spouses don't seem so special anymore. I still make brownies and chocolate cakes and pecan chocolate pralines though because I really like chocolate. Those who are chocolate lovers know what I mean.

Anne