At a loss

[R.Everit55]

I read so much here.  Mostly during the nights when I'm awake and crying for my bride.  And I see so many new members.  I read their stories.  So much suffering.  I get lost for words.  So I say nothing.  And I read that so many share and reshare their stories.  I find I cant retell my story of how I lost my bride.  Other than it was to ALS.  There are so many details.  So much stolen.  Everyday there was more and more.  And the night of Jan 9th 2015 runs through my head and heart yet I can't articulate any of it to all of you as I would like to and maybe need to.  I'm at a loss.  Please don't think I don't read.  I read every sleepless night and I shed tears for us all.  Forgive me for being at a loss for words.  

Butch 

[Polly]

Butch,

I understand. I read a lot and sometimes just don't know what to say. I have never been good at writing. Sending you a hug.

[TerriL]

Butch, sometimes, I'll go for periods of time where I will just read the posts here. I can't say anything until I feel ready to do it. I lost my husband, the love of my life, last October and I still have trouble processing that he's gone. It was sudden and such a shock. I know what you mean when you say there is so much suffering. I'm sorry we all have to be here. I still can't figure out how I'm supposed to live life without my Paul by my side. 

Terri

[R.Everit55]

Hugs Polly and Terri. ❤️❤️

People say there's no time limit on grief.  Im figuring that out slowly but surely.  

[MartyT]

Butch, my dear, with all you have on your plate, I'm amazed that you're able to post at all. Please don't feel any obligation to do so. It's good to know that you are coming by now and then, if only to read what others are saying. I hope you know that you are always in our thoughts and prayers, as we hold you and your precious family in our hearts. ♥

[R.Everit55]

Thank you so much Marty.  

[kayc]

Butch,

No need to forgive anything!  I'd be at a loss for words too if I was hit with as much as you have been, and it'd be something for ME to be at a loss for words!   Keeping little Gracie in my prayers...

[Margm]

Butch, I'm afraid I say too much most of the time.  Sometimes I will reread what I wrote and find I have put the same thing down twice or three times even.  Sometimes I am down and don't care if I put it five times.  Like a journal, my sad notes I don't go back and read.  Billy and I had a granddaughter we raised.  Billy was her "Dade" and her granddaddy too.  She was adopted and never knew anyone but Billy, and she was his heart.  We were RVers but got off the road to get our son off drugs and along came the granddaughter.  Billy was her first Nanny.  Our daughter put her in his arms first and she misses her Dade so much.  She and I watch movies and we try to laugh a lot.  When she is back in Louisiana we stay on the phone in the evenings.  You know how those grandchildren can steal our hearts and I live for her and I know Billy would want this too.  We love our grandchildren.  We miss our mates, but we carry on  for those that are left.  My prayers are with your Gracie.  

[R.Everit55]

Yes dear Marg I get the repeating of things typed.  When I do post I often say the same more than once.  Grief stops us in our tracks.  But keep posting.  Even if it's the same words again and again.  

Hugs. 

[R.Everit55]

Kay you're so funny. 

[R.Everit55]

If anyone wants to know my Marys story you can read in honoring a loved one and it's "what I will speak at memorial" thread.  I don't even remember typing it all.  

[kayc]

I remember your writing it.  (((hugs)))

[R.Everit55]

I have so much to grateful for.  I have my son and DIL in this home and my two grandsons and finally little Gracie my sweet granddaughter.  We are a family.  Yet there's so much missing without my Mary.  She was my everything my world my breath.  I truly am grateful for our 34 years together.  I'm truly grateful for our triumphs and sad times too for they made us strong.  We have three children but two are in heaven with her.  We have five grandchildren but two are in heaven with her.  I'm a grateful humble man.  My heart hurts but I'm grateful indeed.  Love never dies...   

[Patty65]

Butch,

I came home from work and went straight to bed, and wanted to write an email to the two women who are my support.  I wanted to tell them about my day and about what was hurting so so bad at that moment.  I couldn't finish it, it felt so repetitive, it sounded so whiny in my head.  I admonished myself and rolled over, and told myself, yeah, just another sh****y night, what else is new.  I think we share when it helps and doesn't cause more heartache, we sure don't need any more of that.  Sometimes it's hard to share. Sometimes its vital. Sometimes its both. I go through the same thing with reading and not sharing, and even if "not sharing" is my prohibition to myself when I want to or need to, I can only do what I can do, and I have to let that be.  What I find amazing about this place is how judgement-free it is.

Patty

[R.Everit55]

Hugs Patty.  You're so right.  We can only do what feels right for us at any given moment.  I think whatever it is at that moment keeps us "safe" somehow and sane.  

[kayc]

Judgment free is so important!  We need to feel accepted here, that's so important, esp. since we sometimes feel like we don't fit with the rest of the world anymore.

[Margm]

Butch, I deleted all the pictures of Billy being sick.  I don't know why pictures were taken.  One went viral with me holding on to him in his hospital bed.  I did not post these and I did not play music of any kind for weeks afterwards.  Right now I will not remember him that way.  He was a very proud, but also very funny man and if being married to him for 54 years taught me anything, it would be that he would not want me to remember anything bad like his illness.  It took him away from me and we did not have time to even fight it.  So, in his memory, I will remember him in the Goodwill store making fun with my daughter.  He tried on all the frilly hats and they took pictures.  In this one he is at Cline's Corner's on Interstate 40.  We spent a lot of time on that road.  He is showing out for our granddaughter in this picture.  And even though I know he is gone, I will not remember him without honor.  We did not have to go through the long horror our father's had to go through.  I will only have pictures of  him that he would have approved of.  A hospital takes the dignity away from patient and family.  His granddaughter took many pictures and videos with him asking him questions, asking him how he liked such and such music and his answers to her were always so funny..  I just hope from now on I honor him rather than remember the bad.  I am so human though, too much so.  

[MartyT]

That picture is wonderful, Marg! From how you've described your Billy the Kid, it is exactly how I've pictured him! 

[Gin]

Butch,

just wondering how you are doing with the PVCs?  Hope things are improving.

Gin

[kayc]

I just received this message from Allen, Butch's son.  I told him I would share it with the group.

Hi Miss Kay
This is Allen.  My Dad wants everyone to know he's ok but he had another heart attack while in the hospital for observation.  He is ok and that's what he wanted to stress.  He has been there for the last three months since Gracelee was born and he took care of the boys.  As his son and my only parent left I am making it my mission when he comes home that he has a light load from here on out.
I hope you are well.  Thank you and everyone for the many prayers for our little girl.

Allen

[Margm]

Kay, Allen sounds as wonderful as Butch, such a nice, feeling person. Please tell Allen to tell him we are pulling for him and know he has so much to fight this stuff for.  We love you Butch and you have our prayers.  This little family has had too much.  Thank you Allen.  Thank you Kay for keeping us updated.  

[Gin]

Kay,.  Thanks for filling us in about Butch.  Tell Allen that Butch, Gracie and the whole family are in our prayers.

Gin

[KATPILOT]

Yes Kay thanks for sharing that. They truly are a loving family and how wonderful for the children that they will grow up in such an environment.

[enna]

Thank you, Kay, for the update. I am so sorry to hear that Butch suffered another heart attack. Knowing the family, I know Allen will be watching his father very closely. Let them know that the prayers continue. 

[kayc]

I just got an update from Allen, this has been hard on Butch and of course the boys can't visit him in the ICU.  I'm hoping he can glimpse them from a window, I did that with my dad when I was a child and he had a major heart attack.