Gentle With Ourselves

[Gwenivere]

I see this written so many times and I get the eating right, staying hydrated, exercise and sleep.  But as I sit here on what has got to be over my 80th Saturday night alone, I can think of no way to console the longing in my heart for the night we always looked forward to together as date night.  Nothing was more sacred.  I can cry, scream, wallow....allowing myself all those indulgences.  So I ponder this 'gentleness'.  I don't know what it means.  I sat at the table and ate take out alone again.  I have the new Star Wars movie to watch but no one to share it with.  I walk past our bedroom and see that half of the bed that has been empty for so long.  So what is gentle?  It's all pain, despair, loneliness, fear and anxiety knowing I will never see him again in this life.  So I'll take a Xanax or have some wine in hopes for a little stress release knowing I have to do this all over again tomorrow.  All in the quiet he left behind and all the time that ticks by so slowly as I wait til this is over for me too. I rarely talk to him anymore, tired of no reply, but I did ask him the other night why, if he had to leave, he didn't take me with him.  He might a well have as I find no gentleness, contentment or pleasure in this changed world. 

i was asked for my emergency contact at a doctors apt yesterday.  I thought it just meant who to call if I needed help.  Turns out it means someone that knows you so well and can make decisions regarding your health.  Power of attorney, know what to do with your kids or pets, your medical wishes, all your other contacts.  Your spouse knows that without thinking.  Choosing someone became complicated.  I carry cards now in my purse, car and posted on my fridge because I can't say....just call my husband.  I had to drag out our will to make sure there is someone in place 'in case' something happened to Steve.  It did.  Now a new person has my back.  Someone I trust, but not who I want to hold my hand if something happens.   

Just had to let this out.  Some nights are harder than others.  This was one and it's not even over yet.  I so hate feeling so weak without him.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hi, 

I'm sitting here thinking about the Saturday nights at home just being together and now I'm alone with little to look forward to.  It's only been 25 Saturdays for me.

The clinic wants my emergency contact person and I'm stumped.  I don't want to thrust it on my son, he has enough trouble.  

Stuff is just really hard.  I don't think you are weak, a weaker person probably would have given up before 80 weeks.  This is a good lace to come and let it out.  We get it and we don't judge.  The be gentle thing is good in principle, we just need to figure out how to do it.  

I hope you night gets better.

Sleepless in Canada,

Marita

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Late night tv sure doesn't lift my spirits.  Maybe I need to turn it off and try to concentrate on a book.

[Gwenivere]

Hope you get some sleep, too, Marita.  I used to like bring a night owl.  Not so much now.

[brat#2]

Gwen, I'm so sorry you had such a bad night last night.  I totally understand what you are feeling.  I'm going to have to be listing the contact person at the doctor soon also and I had a hard time trying to figure out who to put.  Since I don't have any family that lives here and now that Dale is gone there isn't anyone that lives here that knows me well enough.  I finally decided on my brother, but since he lives 1000 miles away, I don't know what he can really do, but he's the best choice I've got since Dale isn't here.  I'm also thinking about my will and what I need to change on that.  There are so many things that need changed and I don't like and I don't want too!!

I guess this "gentle" with ourselves is don't ignore our feelings and don't push ourselves and don't punish ourselves if we don't get on with life the way we are expected??

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

Gwen and Joyce, I use this phrase quite often and I'll try to explain what it means, to me, anyway.. "Be gentle with yourself" has nothing to do with taking care of your physical well being, at least in the context I use it. Basics like that go without saying (although sometimes we tend to forget, don't we?). No, this phrase has to do with the emotional side of things.

This journey is gut wrenching and miserable as we all know. We've lost the life we loved and the person that gave us love and made our life worth living. It's so easy and "normal" to look to "blame" the loss on something or somebody. And the person that often gets the worst treatment, is unfortunately, ourselves. The constant playing over in our minds and wondering if we could have done more or done something differently. The guilt we put on ourselves that only exacerbates the pain. Sometimes we get frustrated when we think we are "better" and making progress and the next moment a wave hits and we are back in misery. We tend to be very hard on ourselves.

For that reason when I see a newer member in intense pain, I feel it's important to remind them to "be gentle" with themselves. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy.

[iPraiseHim]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I see this written so many times and I get the eating right, staying hydrated, exercise and sleep.  But as I sit here on what has got to be over my 80th Saturday night alone, I can think of no way to console the longing in my heart for the night we always looked forward to together

Our special time together were Friday night dates.  After my wife died, I realized that I need to change the routine and do something completely different so I wouldn't be reminded.  They were special times and I cherished every one of them.  I spent the next four months, calling the OBAMA Healthcare to try to get the insurance fixed.  After four months I was so frustrated that I gave up calling.  Now, Friday is just another day for me. I am reminded everyday that my wife is gone.  She is not here and won't be coming back in my lifetime. I don't like it. But it is my reality. 

At some point, I began to realize that I am still here on earth for a reason because I keep waking up. So I better just focus on today and do the best I can each day.  Sometimes just getting out of bed is an accomplishment. I have been walking more because I Don't feel like it.  I woke up this morning thinking I would go to Hardee's for breakfast and this streamer thought," George, you could walk NOW before you go to breakfast. I applied the "FIVE Second RULE" and put my shoes on and went for a walk. I didn't feel like, my muscles ached and my body was protesting but I just took one more step.

Gwenivere,

You are here for a reason as well.  There are gifts and talents you have that would be a blessing as you discover for yourself what that is. Grief allow us to continue to love our spouses as deeply as we did when they were here.  When you are ready to seek for answers the you will find what will help you on your path.  I still grieve, weep, cry, have melts, but I can also recall the happier times when we were living life and joyous to be together.  I cherish my life with my beloved wife, Rose Anne.  I miss calling her and saying her name.  She would always do something special for Father's Day for me.  I miss that.  I miss her.  Yes, I'm weeping but that's okay because it's  part of love/grief.  Shalom - George   

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, mittam99 said:

The constant playing over in our minds and wondering if we could have done more or done something differently. The guilt we put on ourselves that only exacerbates the pain. 

Mitch, that is one thing I have made peace with.  I don't feel guilt.  The times I did I found the appropriate place for it and it was not me.  What to do with that anger and who it belongs directed at is another thing.  You are right about the frustration of dealing with the pain,  I feel I should be a veteran of this so when it keeps pounding away at me I get so tired trying to fight back.  The worst is when crying does not help.  I always depended on that.

2 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

You are here for a reason as well.  There are gifts and talents you have that would be a blessing as you discover for yourself what that is. Grief allow us to continue to love our spouses as deeply as we did when they were here.  

This is where I get tripped up....a lot.  I see no reason that I am here beyond my body hasn't failed yet.  Loving Steve without him here has no fulfillment for me.  If anything, it sometimes brings me anger he left me behind to this hell.  I know he is free and also he did not choose this, but logic and emotion rarely coexist well.  Yes, I do have talents and strengths, but they are paled that I have no one to share them with but myself.  Volunteering helps.  That was the icing on the cake knowing I had someone to come home to to share the exoerience.  My point being, I am stuck in a place that all this talk of gentleness is lost on me, hence why I wrote the topic.  Last night I was furious at Steve.  I could not forgive him for what this did to life for me.  I know this is OK too.  I am a mere mortal with emotions that often don't make sense anymore.  Before he left, they did.  So this is all new territory and not if my choosing, like everyone else.  Maybe I am not ready to hear I have something left to give because I sure don't feel it.

i do thank you tho for your sharing.  Maybe someday I will write a post that mirrors yours and actually feel it.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, brat#2 said:

I guess this "gentle" with ourselves is don't ignore our feelings and don't push ourselves and don't punish ourselves if we don't get on with life the way we are expected??

Joyce, my emergency contact is Steves old boss according to our will.  So that I'd who I will put even tho hemlines out of state.  I composed a list of local people he can contact.  But he has the POA for big decisions and I trust him.  The others can help,him as they know me in my daily life with dogs, etc.. 

I can't ignore the feelings.  Impossible.   I so want to push myself without punishment, but often just sit here staring and lost.  Today should be grocery shopping together and while I usually need something, I don't today.  Not one thing.  So yet another change in once rutual routine even tho it had changed with his being gone.  There's a song that vines to mind with a line that says....no one told me there'd be days like this.  That's my daily mantra.  

I tell ya, I actually get excited when something needs to be cleaned or I need something from the store.  It means I can get out of here, which I always do, without aimlessly driving around being reminded we always had things needing to be done because Steve was the king of projects or needing things.   Retail therapy does not work for me.  Things I bought were for the house and the few clothes I did were for date nights that don't happen.  

[mittam99]

35 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Loving Steve without him here has no fulfillment for me.  If anything, it sometimes brings me anger he left me behind to this hell.  

It's interesting how all of us who have lost our soul mate have many similarities but are so different in other ways. I've never felt anger towards Tammy for "leaving me behind". I understand what you're saying Gwen. In some ways you feel it would have been better to have gone together and not had to live this new, terrible existence. But, how could I ever feel anger toward Tammy, a woman who loved life and never wanted to leave me.

 I know you probably cringe a bit when others (like me) talk of having the love they feel inside carry them through. The thing is, I don't think anyone is saying it's "fulfilling" but it does serve as a motivation to push ahead in this life alone. If I didn't have the love inside and the inspiration of Tammy inside, I'd probably just crawl in a ball and say, "f**k it". She taught me how to be courageous and courage is a commodity you need to survive this journey.

[Gwenivere]

Guess that makes me the cowardly lion from Oz, Mitch.  

[mittam99]

It just means we all handle our grief in our own way. And hey, you don't look a thing like Bert Lahr.

[Margm]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I tell ya, I actually get excited when something needs to be cleaned

Gwen, now some of the folks on here have worried me lately.  Brad, now he kinda worries me.  Butch, Gin and Karen and some of the others have been ill.  But, I  have got to say, you just worried me the most.  I keep threatening to go to the shrink, but I promise you, if I get excited about cleaning, I am going to admit myself voluntarily.  Girl, may I suggest a half gallon of that salted caramel ice cream?  All thoughts of cleaning will disappear. 

[Gwenivere]

Marg, we are all crazy in own way.  Guess this is mine.  Don't hold it against me.  I'm not much for sweets.  Give me a task to distract my mind anyway!  But don't let me out of the crazy club!  That would be too cruel!  

[Clematis]

I had this come up up several times after the car accident and getting the MRI's and that kind of thing-who to have as an emergency contact. My ex-husband is long-gone, my mother died 11 years ago, my sisters are basically not speaking to me, and now my dad is gone. Who would I put? Some friend who would be really startled if called-and who would have no idea how to respond to anything that should come up?

[iPraiseHim]

18 hours ago, Marg M said:

  All thoughts of cleaning will disappear. 

That's funny, Marg, I've been cleaning homes professionally for 18 years but don't try it for yourself.  It's a great job because no one wants to do and only a few are willing to pay for it.  Off to work.  Shalom - George

[rdownes]

I do not know how to be gentle on myself all I have is my pain and guilt to show him how sorry I am I did not deserve his unconditional love yet he gave it I still feel to some degree he was taken for that reason I wish I could forgive myself like others but I can't because he can't I know this is affecting my children they are used to a strong mom and now that person is gone I don't know how to breath anymore yesterday was our first father's day I cried so much I told my son I can't do this but what choice do I have taking my life is not an option so here I sit with my cross of guilt to carry around until I see him again 

[Margm]

57 minutes ago, rdownes said:

pain and guilt to show him how sorry I am I did not deserve his unconditional love yet he gave it

I cannot tell you how to avoid hitting yourself with that cross.  It has taken me eight months to remember that Billy would not be hitting me.  I am in the midst of self-flagellation when I think about the guilt of those last minutes.   I just know this, Billy loved me too much to hit me with sticks or beat me with a cross or straps of leather.  Eventually, you will quit hitting yourself.  Your the only one who is doing it, and you are the one who has to stop it.  Billy was such a proud man and he would be angry with me if he could talk to me.  He would say "Margaret, you always put the blame on yourself."  Some things we cannot control.  When I think about what I should have done when all is gone and lost, my first thought is "Who died and made you God?"  Cannot stop the grief, cannot bring them back.  Eventually, your brain will start taking care of you, mine did, even when I don't have the strength or sense to take care of myself.,  Time does not ever heal this wound, but time teaches us new tricks, sometimes the joke is on us, sometimes it helps us..............sometimes.

[mittam99]

rdownes... (If it's not asking too much what is your first name? We all try to be on a first name basis here)...

Marg has given you a wonderful reply filled with some very sage advice. I just wanted to added a couple thoughts. As Marg said, time does not heal all wounds, especially a wound that is this deep and this "infected" so to speak. But a key point here, for you personally, is to understand that you are only around five weeks into your loss. I understand how the pain feels so overwhelming that you can't imagine living the rest of your life feeling this way. It's at this point, it's so important to try to surround yourself with supportive, understanding people. Joining here, and opening up about your loss is a good start. I also think one on one grief counseling is something to strongly consider. I know you feel like it "won't work" for you but it doesn't hurt to try. I saw my counselor for a few months and even though we parted ways, she definitely helped. The combination of this forum and seeing her allowed me to endure the pain of my early grief. Please consider "re-considering" your thoughts on counseling. I'm telling you this because I do care.

Marg also mentioned that in time you'll learn "new tricks", and she is correct. You see, grief isn't just misery and pain. It also becomes a learning experience. You learn personal strategies for coping with the pain. You learn not to look too far ahead and just live in the moment. You also learn, unfortunately, that most people in your life, simply won't understand what you're feeling and why. Your early grief journey is about taking baby steps and savoring those small moments of less pain. You'll try to figure out what helps and what to avoid. Often times you need the support of understanding people (like members here and/or a counselor) to steer you in a better direction.

That's the great thing about this place. Grieving a soul mate is so misunderstood by most and having a place live this (filled with people who are also living this new life without their beloved) is valuable beyond measure.

[rdownes]

My first name is Robin. I try the only getting through today but that 20 years from now keeps popping up we were gonna move into a camper when the last child moved out now I have no desire to even function of course I do my bills won't pay themselves maybe my cross will lighten as the years go by it just feels so well deserved right now I want to thank everyone for listening it helps to express my thought to people who feel the same pain

[mittam99]

Robin, I know how hard it is to lose your hopes and your dreams. I know how things swirl in your mind these days because unfortunately, there is no "do-over" in life. I'm living the same nightmare you are living.

I met Tammy back in 1999 when she moved from her town in Illinois to live with me in Maryland. Her then 3 year old daughter Katie was part of the deal. I went from being a bachelor to living with the woman I loved and all of the sudden I had a daughter to raise. I was 44, Tammy was 30. When Katie moved back to Illinois at age 18, I thought it was going to be a good thing. Finally, it was me and Tammy... free to do what we wanted, when we wanted. No more dealing with Katie's severe ADHD and school problems. Finally some privacy at home. It was going to be great. Tammy and me against the world! But... all those dreams never happened. Tammy's health just wasn't good. Nine months later, Tammy died and I was left with absolutely nothing in my life that mattered.

I know what it's like to live with shattered dreams and to wonder what could have and should have been. Tammy was truly my whole world and I thought our life together was just beginning again. Now, 15 1/2 months later, it still hurts. I cry almost daily. But, the pain is different. It still hurts and the waves still hit hard but I've learned how to ride them better. That's not to say my life is good or I have any happiness. It's not and I don't. But I will tell you this... you do learn to cope and there are times you may even have a sense of hope. A hope that the future could be better.

Mitch

[kayc]

I know what you mean.  Losing my husband changed my course...we used to go camping, I haven't since he died, it's just not the same when it's not shared with him.

Your dreams may have changed but you'll make it through this...discard those 20 year thoughts though!

[Patty65]

I've been in my black hole since before the weekend, so I am just seeing this now, Gwen. Every night I leave work as late as I can, and sometimes I try to think of the things I can do at home to "distract". I wash a million dishes at work when the dishwasher is off duty, but can I wash the all of the cat-food-spoons that are in my sink?  No.  I have to take a dirty one out of the sink and wash it since there is none left in the drawers.  I can't eat there, that's why there's only cat food spoons in the sink.  I can't do anything there but helplessly watch myself fall into despair, night after night.

"Gentle" as far as I can find it means letting myself turn off the light to go to sleep alone.  And even that's not all that easy.  The other one that my therapist insists will help is not beating myself up for falling into despair every night.  And I'm conscious of that, and I can manage that sometimes.  I guess I just think that the "be gentle" thing is anything that not compound the despair.  Like, if you saw a child crying, you would comfort her, not yell at her.  If she just found out that her most favorite thing in the whole world was destroyed forever, you aren't going to stop her despair, you just won't be making it worse.  Maybe all we can do is not make it worse.

But I just don't know how not to get frustrated with the relentlessness of it all.  But pain is not being weak.  Despite what our world (and even my head) tells me.

Patty

[Gwenivere]

Patty, I'm not out of the house near as much a you.  But I know that coming home and bring plunged into despair.  For you spoons, for me a lightbulb gives out and it takes everything I have to change it.  The despair is relentless.  I went thru a time I thought I would reach a place I could handle this.  Maybe I will, but I can't imagine it at all right now.  Unfirtunately I do compound the despair.  Something comes up that needs attention and I feel I have to 'prove' I'm 'strong'.  I always pay for it big time.  Reminds me of that saying about insanity being doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

Nights are horrible, bug waking us my worst.  Another day to exist again with no feeling of meaning.  There are times I worry about my sanity and have to say.....he's gone forever.   You and a right to live in despair.  What's really hard is now is dreading if people ask how long it has been because 20 months is viewed as adequate for grief.  The longer it is, the less people have the compassion they once did.   Just when we need it most.

[Gwenivere]

 i really hate this disorientation I walk around in.  The fear.  Is there something wrong with me neurologically or is this devastation?  (Rhetorical). Looking around at the emptiness sure imitates physically so many frightening feelings.