my daughter thinks I am depressed

[rdownes]

Today my one daughter came out and told me she thinks I am depressed I told her that I am sad, I do not think I am depressed I think it is only the sadness from Kevin being gone but would I know the difference, can she see something I can't . Yes I am always sad I miss him with every ounce of my body. I listen to his music and cry I look for music that expresses my feelings  and I cry, I rarely smile and if I do it fades in an instant. I don't play with my grandbabies anymore, if the kids are trying to have a good day I do walk away to be sad I don't want to drag them down, are there days I feel I can't go on yes but I never think of harming myself and I drag myself to work everyday but can she see something I can't 

[KATPILOT]

That is a tough question to answer Robin especially from widowed souls such as us. I was certainly depressed and I think it goes hand in hand with grief. Your daughter may be speaking out of concern for you but a counselor would be best to see and direct you should you have depression that is severe enough to warrant  extra help. You say you smile though it fades quickly. At least it happens and that can be a good thing. You also say you never think of harming yourself and that's a good thing too. Grief is difficult work. It may take a long time to reach a place where you smile more times than you cry. A grief counselor might make the journey a bit easier and it might even help to have your daughter go with you if she is seeing something you can't.

Just a suggestion.

[Gwenivere]

It's not even been 2 months yet, Robin.  You've just stepped into this and would of course be extremely sad and 'deoressed'.  This isn't something you've ever experienced before.  You didn't say how your daughter is handling losing her father.  My feeling is you are normal for what your mind is trying to process.  You may feel like seeking counseling at some point, as Kat suggested.  Right now you are probably still in a shock phase.  That shields us from the real world for awhile.  One thing we have all learned is we have to feel and act what is inside us, despite what others may think we should or shouldn't.  No one wants to see us in pain, but there is no escape from that without damaging ourselves.  This is something you shouldn't try and fight.  Unfortunately our society is not patient with grief.

[enna]

Oh, I agree with what Stephen and Gwen said about your thoughts on depression, Robin.  There is a big difference between grief and depression. It is very common to be sad when grieving.  But, you get up and go to work, you know when you are sad that you don’t want to bring others down so you remove yourself for awhile, and you don’t want to hurt yourself even though thoughts of suicide are normal in grief.  If you haven’t seen a good grief counselor you may want to for he/she can listen objectively and know whether you are depressed or just grieving. I think each one of us who has lost a significant other is “depressed” but it doesn’t mean that we need to be medicated.  We are not ill. We are grieving. 

There are many good articles on this topic and a few of them might help you as well as your daughter understand the difference. These articles are from Marty’s Grief Healing blog. 

Coping With Sorrow in Grief 

Grief and Depression: Are They Different 

Anne

[rdownes]

My children are dealing with it better than me, they are sad and miss their dad but they are trying to get back to life which I know the grief of losing a parent is different from a spouse and that is why I try not to let my grief bring them down anymore it is hard though because they tend to try and follow me when I leave where they are I know it pains them to see me so sad and I think they feel to an extent that they lost their mom because I am not the person I used to be, they do ask me though if I need my time that is what I call it when I go outside to think about Kevin and talk to him, I feel bad because I know my pain affects them and they feel bad they can't help me, but no one has the answers for me I must feel everything I am feeling and one day hopefully find some peace, I tell them I am trying but I can't be strong right now.

[KATPILOT]

8 hours ago, enna said:

 

There are many good articles on this topic and a few of them might help you as well as your daughter understand the difference. These articles are from Marty’s Grief Healing blog. 

Coping With Sorrow in Grief 

Grief and Depression: Are They Different 

Anne

Those articles are terrific Anne. I just read them even though I had been a member since they were first written.     I suppose Robin that I kept from showing my grief and despair to my sons and their families to some extent as well. Communicating with your daughters about how you feel is important however if just so they know where you are coming from and gives them a better awareness of how you feel. You've lost your husband, the closest person to you on earth.  I am reminded about the woman who was asked by her daughter "Why are you so sad mom?" and the mother replied "Your father is still dead".  I believe I read that somewhere here not long ago.   Sometimes children just need to hear why you may be more grieving than depressed.

[rdownes]

I try to tell them I will say things like I miss him so much or he is gone and nothing will bring him back and this just sucks, I am still at the point where talking about him brings me to tears and I shut down,my daughter talks about him frequently,this is not her first loss at 13 she witnessed her best friend get hit and killed by a drunk driver I did not know how to help her so I had her go to counseling I think it is something she learned I think her talking about him frequently is her coping and it is not really sad stuff she talks about it was his day to day life, she is now 18, my one son who is 22 though is so much like his dad the "tuff" man he tells me not to cry we will be ok and that really doesn't help me he says dad wouldn't want us to crykevin was not big on emotions he told my one daughter he only cried once when his dad died and that was at the funeral my son is the same he only shed tears on that day. I am sorry to go on even though I am new to the group I feel like you guys are my family to.

[mittam99]

Like others here at the forum, I've dealt with the loss of all of my elders. When my grandfather died (and it was in a most shocking way... suicide) it was difficult. He was the first person I was close to that died. But in the natural order of things, I was able to function and move forward. Then my other grandparents died, and again there was sadness, but I moved ahead with my life and while I thought about them often, the pain was tolerable. It was different when my mom and dad died. After all, they gave me life and I lived with them nearly all my life. They were my role models and my mentors. It took me a long time to fully function without overwhelming sadness after they died. But, nothing, absolutely nothing could compare to the overwhelming sadness and soul searching devastation that's happened since my beautiful Tammy's death. It's different than other losses. It changes every aspect of your existence to the point that you question if life is worth living. Everything from the way you eat and sleep to how bills get paid is affected. You don't even know who you are anymore. You feel married but my W4 form says I'm single. And the loss of  love and intimacy is world changing.

Robin, it's going to be hard for your children to understand exactly how you feel. Let's face it, unless you've lost your soul mate, the pain of this loss is impossible to fathom for others. Still, I would sit down with them and try your best to let them know what you are feeling inside. They don't like seeing you hurting, but, if they can just understand your pain a little better, it might help them see things a bit more clearly.

As far as being "depressed". I think all of us that are here and dealing with our devastating loss are depressed to an extent. Of course it's different than other types of depression. We know why we are so sad. It's understandable, our world has been turned upside down and the pain and tears are our constant.

Last but not least, I wanted to comment on that one line you wrote...

"I must feel everything I am feeling and one day hopefully find some peace"

You are so right, Robin. Those words (in a nutshell) are the essence of our grief journey. Unfortunately, so many people out there (not here at the forum, just generally speaking) try to make this journey a sprint because the pain is often too much to bear. The only way you can move forward and eventually find some sense of peace is to experience all this overwhelming pain and to express your feelings. It's certainly the hardest thing any of us have done but eventually, I believe our lives will become better and the darkness of our grief will make way for some sense of "happiness" in the future.

Mitch

[MartyT]

I agree with everything that's been said to you, Robin. (This is why it is so helpful to surround yourself with those who've experienced a loss that is similar to your own.) 

You are barely two months into this, and your grief is still so new. Your reactions are completely normal under the circumstances, and so are those of your kids. It's hard for your children to see you in such pain, because they are used to seeing you in your mothering role, and depending upon you to be there for them no matter what. They've lost one parent and they don't want to lose another. It may help to reassure them that, although your heart is broken at the death of your beloved spouse, you're still their mom and you still love them dearly. But in your own grief, you need for them to be patient with you. If they still find it hard to accept and to understand, consider inviting them to read an article or a book to learn what is normal in grief, such as Grief: Understanding The Process.

Instead of the word "depression" I prefer using the word "sorrow" to describe the overwhelming sadness that accompanies significant loss. Depression is an illness; grief is a normal reaction to significant loss. Each person in your family is mourning a loss that is unique to them, and each of you will do it in your own individual way. (See How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences.) 

[kayc]

I agree with everything that has been written, and Marty, I like that distinction (sorrow vs depression).  It may FEEL like depression but it's not chemically based, it's due to something we can't change, but we can adjust to and learn to cope with.  Two months I was still in shock!  It's nowhere near enough time for anyone to expect you to be coming out of it, you are doing what you need to be doing, you are processing the loss and feeling it.  That's step one of the adjusting, it takes so much time and effort to go through this grief journey!  

[iPraiseHim]

rdownes, You are part of our family.  I was in shock for a much longer time.  Each of us needs to find our way.  The more I shared and wrote about what I was feeling the more it seems to help me deal with the grief and aftermath.  There is no set timetable for grief.  Others may want us to cope or be a certain way but that is their process with dealing with the loss.  Keep coming and sharing.  This is what has helped me to come to this group that cares, empathizes, and accepts me just as I am.   Shalom - George 

[rdownes]

I will try to express myself to my children better I make sure to tell them I love them I do not want to make the same mistake I did with Kevi, I have been reading the topics and trying to take things from them.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I will be cheering you on Robin.  It is hard work living through grief.