Isn't it my choice?

[rdownes]

My kids were talking about Christmas today and I told them I was choosing not to celebrate this year I honestly do not want to think of that first it hurts to think and it is not here yet. My son told me I had to celebrate because of my grandbabies I told him that it my choice that  I can not force myself to be either happy or sad right now that my emotions are just what the are on that day, am I being selfish for wanting no part a Christmas this year, it was not even that Kevin loved the holidays he was almost always sad or angry around Christmas I think his father passing had alot to do with it on top of the bipolar but on Christmas he would make the Italian Christmas dinner, he would want to hand out the gifts he would have to watch every present be opened it will be hard enough trying to deal with everyone's Christmas cheer around me at work I work in retail not that people do not deserve happiness but it's hard when yours is gone at this moment I do not want any part of Christmas.

[KATPILOT]

Robin the first Christmas is by far the worst but it will come no matter if you choose to celebrate or not.  I might bring up that it's quite a way off yet and it's hard to know how you might feel then. I had a growing apprehension about the holiday as it grew closer and closer.  I ended up decorating and hosting the family dinner as we had in the past. It wasn't the same for certain yet I got through. Somehow you find a way to get through these things and it gets a little easier each passing year. We survive and we adapt. Even if you don't know how, it will still come to pass.  Do as little or as much as you can for you cannot and should never ask more of yourself than you can handle. You might want to give this a rest for now. It looks like you have enough to deal with already. By the way, forcing yourself to be happy or sad would not make the emotions real. It's far better to let yourself be who you are,         

a grieving person.

 

I remember the Christmas after my grandfather died. My grandma wore black and cried all of the time  but my parents made sure Christmas was a happy celebration for us.   It's what parents do.

[mittam99]

Robin, believe me, I understand how the idea of the Christmas holiday season has put a knot in your stomach. After all, it's supposed to be a time of celebrating and good cheer. And in my world, my first Christmas without Tammy was anything but a happy occasion.

Christmas was Tammy's favorite holiday and we were married on Christmas eve. I did give Katie a Christmas gift but beyond that, I stayed home and stared at the walls and cried. I couldn't force myself to put up the tree. Oh how Tammy loved that tree and the huge amount of ornaments she collected over the years. Tammy loved all the Christmas music and I couldn't bear to listen. The only thing I did was watch the movie "Scrooge" starring Alistair Sims on Christmas eve. That was a tradition in Tammy's family that we continued when Tammy and I got together. I stayed in bed imagining she was there by my side. And the tears flowed.

Having said that, Christmas is still over 5 months away and it's possible you may feel differently in December. Not that you won't still be hurting or in pain. But, it's possible you may feel like participating in a scaled down version of the holidays with your kids/grandkids. Like Steve said though, this is your grief journey and you need to do it your way and in your own time frame. 

Hugs.

[CharKath]

Hi Robin, 

I didn't celebrate Christmas at home last year. I love christmas and I always decorate my porch and have a tree lit with blue and white lights and lots of glittering ornaments. We wouldn't turn the TV on at all evenings, just turn on Christmas music and snuggle up together on the couch and watch all the twinkling lights. But now this house is just a place of sadness and depression and it just wasn't going to be right to put out any decorations. Charley wasn't going to be here to enjoy them with and it just felt and seemed wrong.  The closer Christmas got last year the worse I felt. When I expressed my concern to a friend that I didn't want to wake up alone on Christmas morning, her and her husband invited me up overnight on Christmas eve. That was much better. They let me spend the day and Christmas wasn't completely lost. This is your grief and you have to do what is best for you. I'm hoping this Christmas will be different for me, but I don't know. It is five months away and you'll just have to see where you are and how it feels for you. Keep an open mind for now. Don't set your mind that this is the way it will be or has to be. Maybe it won't be bad. Maybe Christmas at your sons would be doable and that's fine.  But its definitely a personal thing, you do what's best for you.

[rdownes]

I will try not focus on it now, I keep telling myself one day at a time but then something sneaks in I know that one day I will have to face that first maybe I need to feel it to move past it but it scares me,I know I have to face many firsts but it is scary to think of the pain, I try so hard everyday to feel my loss but some days it can just take my breath away, my daughter asked me if I can still see her dad's face when I close my eyes because she can't I told her yes I can see him eyes opened or closed, that is why I want to feel and remember so I never forget I will try and see how I feel when it gets closer I just fear the overwhelming pain

[kayc]

Robin,

I didn't feel up to Christmas when George died, it was at my six months out and that was rough.  But my kids wanted to, they were young adults, my son in the service, home on leave.  So I let them cut down a tree and put it up and my daughter got me to help her decorate it.  I put up George's stocking.  We wrote on paper and put it in his stocking, I didn't read them, but it was a way we could express to him what we felt and include him.

I agree that you have to grieve your own way, but it's still a ways off, I wouldn't make any hard and fast decisions yet.  Maybe keep it low key for sure.

[MartyT]

Robin, my dear, I can assure you that you are not alone in dreading the holidays, even if they are five months away. But I hope you'll also listen to the wise words of those members who've responded to your post. In one sense, Christmas is just another day on the calendar, yet another day when you will be missing your beloved. But it's also a day / time of year when dozens upon dozens of resources become available to help you and other mourners find creative ways to get through those times without falling apart. Many hospices offer workshops in mid-November specifically aimed at helping the bereaved find ways to navigate "the holidays" ~ and as we get closer to that time, we'll be sharing ideas and posting lots of articles here as well, with lots of helpful suggestions.  ♥

[kayc]

And yes, it's your choice, but on the other hand, they want to make their choices as well, perhaps a compromise this year?

[Dew's Girl]

I dreaded my first Christmas without Daniel but found that it wasn't too bad.  Let's just say I've had worse days during this grief journey on non-holidays.  I've found its impossible for me to predict what will trigger my grief.  Things I thought I'd never get through were easier than expected and then something that I never anticipated being a problem has me on the floor in tears.

The key for me during the holidays was giving myself permission to be selfish and setting boundaries up front for my family.  For instance I insisted on taking my own car so that I could leave whenever I felt overwhelmed.

[rdownes]

Christmas is spent at my house every year, I think I will see how I feel then but you are right I can be ok as far as not crying and coping with my day then I will just cry, it is so hard I keep waiting for my heart and mind to remember he is not coming back last night my son and his girlfriend picked me up at work which is typical now it used to be Kevin, I got in the car and started thinking about telling Kevin something and my heart sank because I was like he isn't home he won't ever be home again. I mean I talk to him in my head all the time but I guess this time I forgot, everyday is so hard. I miss him so much

[Dew's Girl]

I know what you mean.  Regularly when I'm out and my plans change, my first thought is that I need to call and let Daniel know so that he doesn't worry.  It's been 18 months and I still do that.

[Gin]

Robin, Amy.      Where do we call?  Anyone have Heaven's phone number?  I have done that several times....I have to call Al to tell him I am on my way home.

[kayc]

It got a little easier for me to deal with when it finally sunk in...back when I'd forget and then remember it was like it would hit afresh and that was hard to deal with.

[rdownes]

I just wish that the feeling I get everytime I forget he is gone would stop because it feels like a mac truck running over my heart, how can you forget someone is gone boy do I wish heaven had a phone it would be so nice not to answer my own thoughts.

[mittam99]

Gin and Robin...

When you mentioned calling heaven it brought to mind an episode of the Twilight Zone that always stuck in my mind. The episode is called "Night Call". It's kind of depressing so don't read further if you don't want to...

An elderly woman starts getting phone calls in the middle of the night. It's the faint sound of a man and she tells the man to stop calling and to leave her alone. But he persists. The woman calls the phone company to have the calls traced. To her bewilderment she finds out the calls are coming from a cemetery. The cemetery where her beloved fiance is buried. Her fiance was killed in a car crash the week before they were to be married many years earlier.

She goes to the cemetery with her nurse and finds the phone line on top of her fiance's grave. Shaken, she tells the nurse the whole story of Brian's (her fiance's) death. She had insisted on driving that day and lost control of the car. Brian was killed and she was paralyzed.

On the way home from the cemetery, the woman is happy knowing she can now communicate with her fiance's spirit via the phone. Once home, she gets back in bed and awaits a call from Brian. But the phone doesn't ring. Finally she picks up the phone and begs Brian to please call. He does one last time, but tells her he can no longer call. When she asks why, he says that she "told him to leave her alone" and he "always does what she says".

The episode ends with the old woman sobbing in bed.

I always found this episode tough to watch.

Tammy bought me the boxed set of all the Twilight Zone episodes. I just can't watch any of them these days, 

 

[Gin]

Mitch,

A while back I had a phone call registered on my caller ID as coming FROM my phone number.  I  guess it can be done.  But...since Al's ashes are in our house, MAYBE he was calling me??

Gin

[mittam99]

Gin,

I've also had calls coming in that appear to be my phone number. I think there's a way for telemarketers to do that, but... who really knows? Just the other day I missed a call from "000-000-0000". It's very strange.

I thought I was a smart guy. Thought I knew a lot. Since Tammy died, I realize there is much I don't understand.

Mitch

[KATPILOT]

I think he was Gin. Some things just can't be explained.

[kayc]

Mitch, I remember that show.  Pretty strange.  I don't think they'd do anything to make us cry though, they'd understand that we didn't get it and wouldn't hold it against us.

[rdownes]

That would be hard for me to watch , I wish I had some kind of sign it makes me sad because my children have seen signs Kevin's mom has seen signs but I get nothing it makes me wonder if he is upset with me or if he even still loves me, am having really hard coping days lately but am pushing through,  I hope it was signs from your loved ones.

[kayc]

They loved us when they were here, of course they still love us...nothing has changed except they've left their bodies.

[Patty65]

I cry already just thinking about the holidays.  We arrived last Christmas evening in Connecticut, having traveled all night, and we celebrated Christmas on the morning of the 26th.  It was the same day the lump showed up on his face, and he was gone less than two months later.  Christmas represents all of that.  I don't know how I will survive it.  But I know I have to be with my family, whom he loved so, so much.  He was so looking forward to that trip.  Robin, I do believe it is your choice, but yes, it will be here with all the hardships (understatement) whether we celebrate or not.

Patty

[Widowedbysuicide]

I'm so sorry there is so much sorrow and pain.

[KATPILOT]

So little time that was from the lump till the end Patty. We had just over four months from finding the lump till she was gone. Later on you may remember that time in a blur for processing things that quickly makes me confused. I went through all the things you do when fighting cancer and had little time to imagine we might not win.  The battle was raging over Christmas time and was lost in February. I think of the Grinch who stole Christmas and how "Christmas came just the same". I have a real hard time with that story today for it now holds other meanings. At the end of the day however, it will come just the same. This Christmas will be number five and as I write this I realize that I remember the ones before yet I have such a hard time remembering the ones without her. I got through them obviously. I think such a big part was missing. I do know they got easier each passing year but I fear that kind of happy will never be. There is "happy" and then there's "HAPPY".

No matter how difficult it may seem at first, we do survive it.

[Margm]

My dad put a lot of thought into every  occasion with my mom.  I think about our different families, customs, DNA, personalities.  My mom would tell my dad things like "What did you pay for that blouse,, I could have made the same one for 75 cents; those flowers will just die, you wasted the money; I cannot eat all that candy, it will make me fat."  Yet, he still kept remembering.  I cannot imagine his dad even remembering.  I do not think my dad's mother even missed her husband when he died at 56.  He was abusive and ignored her, ran around on her, spent time in front of and inside "The Friendly Bar."  He was not very lovable, yet all I had to have was sniffles and my bed would be covered with gifts for the "sick" child, from my very caring grandmother.  My other grandparents were strictly country.  He wanted her to have fine things so on his trips to the big city he would  bring her back things like a pair of high heels that were in style.  She took them out to the chopping block, chopped off the heels and used them to slop the hogs.  The first many years Billy would forget dates that were important, or he would send someone to buy me something.  I was like my dad and always remembered, always bought him things (and he would return them for something that he wanted.)  Finally, it hit me that his remembering was not that important to me, making a mountain out of a molehill.  So, when the dates came, we would go buy what we wanted and say that was our gift.  It really got to where dates were not important. He was so good in other ways, what was this one little thing.  We had our Christmas dinners, Thanksgiving, birthday cakes, but the two of us got to where remembering anniversaries, Valentine's Day, etc. would just be up to us.  If we did, then good.  If we didn't, no problem.  I got used to this, but when our daughter married and her husband was a selfish pig, Billy saw that it meant so much to her and he started a turnaround and started remembering our special dates.  Sorry Buster, my life had already been on another course and I forgot to buy him a card for our 50th. 

I went through Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day without a big problem these last nine months.  I don't even remember where I was or what I did.  No customs set in stone.  But, our 55th Anniversary and Valentine's day I bought him a card and signed it.  Keep it next to his beautiful wooden urn.  Just signing my name alone to special occasion cards hurt me.  I will forever sign both our names.  His retirement money helped buy the cards and gifts.  Just signing his name along with mine, like we always did, either he would sign our names or I would, this was done all those years. It is a small sliver of comfort.

July 20th Billy  would have been 76.  He was never old, he never gave in to age.  He read health books, vitamin messages, exercise regimens, and he kept himself up.  But, he never could give up the poison that probably took him in the end.  I don't know this, but I suspect the poison from the Copenhagen snuff that he dipped for at least 40 years was the final act for this health conscious man, this young man, this Billy the Kid fellow that I will miss forever.  This fellow that makes the very ground I stand on seem like quicksand.  This fellow that gives me comfort when the moon is out but gives me terrible bouts of anxiety at times when I realize I cannot get in touch with him, he cannot hook up all my computer equipment, he is not there to understand why the refrigerator defrosts, why the compressor keeps running on the AC.  Nope, the stranger who takes care of the inside equipment will have to do this for me.  "I miss Billy the Kid."

(Sorry, another short story from my run-on fingers.)