New Member, my story

[Tideland]

I am new as a member but I have read many of the threads in this forum.  My husband died on February 27, 2016, of colorectal cancer.  He died 4 months from the day of diagnosis, although I was aware he was sick two months before that.  I am convinced he was sick prior to that but didn't let anybody know.  He was one who refused to go to a doctor.  But his tumor had been draining blood internally which strained the heart enough that he had a heart attack which put him in the hospital and then the diagnosis.  

My frustration is from his diagnosis until a week and a half before he died, his oncologist insisted every single time he had an appointment, which was every other week, that he would get better, that he would turn around and make a huge improvement any day now.  But he never had any improvement, he only got worse.  The radiologist told him to stop the treatment because he was too weak and it would kill him.  But the oncologist said, "oh, he didn't mean that, you're going to be just fine."  He was so weak and he couldn't eat and he was wasting away to nothing. Getting to his appointments was torture for him since he was no longer strong enough to hold himself up.  I pleaded with the doctor to be honest with me because I needed to know so I could make the right choices, and he still insisted he was going to be just fine.  I kept bringing him into the emergency room for treatments because he was so sick and it seemed nobody was helping him, although his doctor kept saying he was going to get better.  Finally one doctor in the emergency room came to me and said, "I have all your answers, but you're not going to like them."  And he told me there was nothing more anybody could do.  I appreciated that.  And this was two days from his last oncologist appointment, where we were told "This is his month! February you're going to see a HUGE turnaround and improvement!."  He died a week later in hospice.  If I had known, if we had been told the truth, I could have put him in hospice a lot sooner, and stopped torturing him with trying to get him to the doctors and having them poke and prod and xray and examine and continue radiation and chemotherapy.  He could have been at peace.  I was frustrated and angry at all of it and tried so hard to get him to eat, to get him stronger because that's what we were told he needed to do.  If I had known, if they had only been honest with me, I would have left him in peace so that he wasn't always being asked to eat when he couldn't eat.  And he wouldn't have been asked to get up and into the wheelchair and to the doctors, which was a 40 minute drive each way.  If I had only known!  I wish I could go back, not because there's any chance he could have survived, but becuase I could have made such a better last couple of months for him.  I could have made sure he was comfortable and at ease.  I'll never be able to take back those days of frustration and stress and anger.  It will be with me always.  And I always will be sorry.

 

[marsha]

Tideland - my sympathies for the loss of your husband. Please, know this - you did the best you could based on what you knew. My story is similar - 4 months. Four months from healthy to dead. And add a rampant staph infection to the mix - I don't know, honestly, what killed him first, the cancer or the infection. I've thought about those months for 8 years, and in the end, I don't know what I could have done to make anything better. After a weekend at Sentara, hearing that the cancer had gone into his brain, hearing the "1 to 6 months, that's it" talk - Joe and I talked about it once, only once (with me sobbing). He accepted it once, then decided that he would fight it. A losing battle, one that I knew was a losing battle, but we went on in the way he wanted to. It was the loneliest and most emotional time for him and for me. Who am I kidding? It was horrific, something I wouldn't wish on anyone. But, you know - I wasn't the one dying. I wasn't the one staring death in the eyes. I did the best I could, but my thoughts are - there is no "best" when in this situation. There just isn't. In the end, even with me beside him, Joe had to take this journey by himself. And in knowing this - this has still brought me to tears, many times. G-d, this has brought out a torrent of emotions. Hugs to you - I understand. Marsha

[KATPILOT]

It is hard to comprehend how things can south so fast. You can't plan. you can't think, you can't accept. We had five months from the start till the end and we thought we had it beat until the last two weeks. It took me a long time to get a grip on what happened. It took me two years to organize my existence. I'm sorry for you Tidelands and you too Marsha. I don't know if one can ever prepare for the end when so little time was given. You work so hard at trying to keep them alive that you just don't see what waits for you after. I'm glad you found your way here. I think it's where you belong for now. Lots of good people and lots of help are here.

[kayc]

My dear Tideland,

I am so sorry for your loss, and all the more for what your husband was put through at the end of his life.  I totally understand.  I live with regrets because of how things went when my husband passed too.  I'm sorry the doctor handled things the way he did.  

I'm glad you found this site...it's been a lifesaver for me and for so many here.

Welcome, and I hope you continue to read and post as you feel up to it.

[MartyT]

Dear one, I'm so sorry those last six months with your beloved were so difficult ~ for both of you. Your story is so similar to one I read earlier today (The Gold Standard for Current Cancer Treatment) ~ and my heart just hurts for you. I hope you can feel our collective arms around you  ♥

[Margm]

Tideland, I don't understand doctors.  I worked with them nearly half a century and they are just human.........some of them.  Your story is mine only Billy lasted five weeks.  I try to think back and I was trained in symptoms and I think back and he did have symptoms.  Why didn't I see it on the most important person in my life.  I would have seen it on a stranger.  OMGosh, today is 10 months.  It is 8:49 in the evening, I have been at Michael's picking out flower arrangements for my mom and I have almost let the 10th month slip by without counting.  I'm not gonna cry, not right now anyhow.  Billy's death certificate said CA of colon.  He had one polyp on his colon but his liver was covered as were a bunch more places.  Five weeks.  I did not let him hurt and I miss him more than life.  I miss life.  I miss Billy and will forever..

TL, there are a bunch of feeling people on this forum.  They have all gone through what you are going through.  Just listen to them and join in.  I get very wordy sometimes so you can just skim over mine.  I like word salads. I don't know what I would have done without these people on this forum, but I have an idea.  

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Sorry for all of our losses.  We are here for you.

[Polly]

Tideland,

I'm so sorry about your husband and everything that happened. I lost my husband very quickly. It took the hospital 7 days to figure out what was wrong. Richard was gone 46 hours later. It was all so shocking and overwhelming. No time to process any of it. It has been 9 and a half months since that day.

[Gin]

TL,

so sorry for your experience.  I was so angry at the doctors AND me after Al died.  Why didn't I see something?  Why did the doctors not see something.  Now I am only angry at me.  I know this group will be good for you.

Gin

[Gwenivere]

Welcome to the club no one wants to be in.  The stress of what you went thru as well as your husband is terrible.  So many hear and understand in this sanctuary.  I, too, saw many things done to my husband that I knew were draining him from 'living' what time he had left.  It's so very hard and easy to look back and see what we would have done differently.  But it is important to keep in mind we were not at our intellectual peak because this was so close to he heart.  That is because we have the time to think now, replay it.  We all did what we thought was the best, even if there were snippets of doubt.  There is no time out to stop and weigh options at the time.  It's a tough emotional struggle and everyone here knows and will listen.  Advice IF asked for.  Oh, and it's open 24/7.

[brat#2]

I'm so sorry for your loss and welcome.  I lost my husband, Dale, 13 months ago and I understand what you are saying about him going quick.  It was 4 1/2 months from diagnosis to his death.  In that little time frame you both are still trying to adjust to the diagnosis and maybe thinking of being cured or at least made to live longer.  The doctors don't seem to tell you that if you go through all their tests and treatments that it isn't going to make a difference and you are not going to live any longer with treatment than you would without treatment and it is so frustrating.  Like it has been said, we were only trying to do what we thought was best at the time and with the information we were given.  Now, I see differently and wonder if we didn't try any treatment would his last 4 months have been happier and better?   I'll never know, just have to keep telling myself we did what we thought was best at the time.  I miss him terribly, but coming here is a huge help, everyone here is caring, understanding, doesn't pass judgment, so feel free to come back often.  

Joyce

 

[KATPILOT]

Gin I wish I could yank that anger you have toward yourself and pitch it in the trash.  It's so easy for us to blame ourselves yet so hard to forgive.  

[Finch]

Sorry to hear your story Tideland. You did what you thought was right. You did your best for your husband.

[Gin]

Stephen,

i wish I could yank it out, also.  Al just was not himself the last few months.  If I gave any suggestions, he said I was picking on him.  That would be the LAST thing I would have done.  Maybe I could have done better for him.

Gin

[Tideland]

Thank you so much for all of your replies and understanding.  I don't know if I'll ever get over feeling guilty and angry at myself and the doctors.  I hope so.  It's bad enough feeling such grief at the loss without also feeling so much anger.  This Saturday we are going to have the Celebration of Life for my sweetie.  I made it several months after his death because I wanted it to be happy and celebratory over such a wonderful man without tears and regret; however, I'm finding it more difficult than I thought, and it dredges all of it again.  I wrote a piece that I am going to read to his family and friends and I just want to get through it without crying.  I want this to be more happy than sad, but I don't know how I can pull this off.  

I have been so blessed with love and support from my family.  I don't know how I would have gotten through this far without them.  They didn't let me have a second alone for the first two months, and then very difficult to see them have to go to their own homes, their own families, their own lives, and I having to learn how to live in this new world I find myself in.  But they come back often and check on me constantly.  The ones closer to me come regularly to take care of my lawn.  They are amazing.  

I feel like I've followed all of the suggestions that i've found on various sites and places about grief.  I am not broken.  I am emerging someone a little different than I was before, and my sister tells me it's like a butterfly coming out of her cocoon.  I have a lot of life left in me, and I intend to live it to the fullest, just as he would have wanted me to.  He was 67 and I am 61.  I have at least 20 good years, maybe 30.  I didn't choose to live those years without him, but this is what I have and I'm going to make the most of it.

It's wonderful to find this site where so many of us have the same story.  Love to you all.

Amy

 

 

[Jgillen]

I am so sorry for your loss.  And, the disappointment.  I understand this guilt and anger.  I also trusted a doctor who kept saying my husband would be fine, and that he wouldn't lose his leg.  I remember thinking, I'm only a biologist..they are doctors and they do this everyday, I must be overreacting.  He lost leg and then his life.  I know how it is to feel guilt and anger.  I am learning that I really did everything I could do given what I understood at the time.  It's so hard to let that guilt and anger go.  But, from what I've read, you really did everything out of love and trust.  You aren't a doctor.  You trusted his doctor.  Your husband didn't expect you to be a super hero.  You were by his side and you tried.  We can't go back, all we can do is work through the grief and the anger.  I am still working through it and I hope someday we can all be at peace with these circumstances that were out of our control.  Much love to you!! 

[rdownes]

Tideland I feel for you loss I am sorry the doctor maid his last bit of time on this earth so hard, it is not your fault. My husband passed on May 17 2016 I still don't know what caused it,it was totally unexpected, I am sure you will do a great job of celebrating your husband's life you seem to have a very good attitude,I wish I was where you are I am forever broken, you will have alot of support here hugs to you.