It hurts so bad

[mittam99]

Another day into this journey that I didn't ask for. I was off of work so I gave myself a pretty big to-do list. And, everything got done. I even was able to help a new member set up her profile a bit. I did almost skip the exercise but I've been doing that way too much recently. Of course I have a valid excuse... I injured my rotator cuff badly a while back. 

So, the day was going fairly well, the sun was shining brightly and then it came. One of those painful thoughts that brought me to tears. Thoughts of my beloved Tammy and the emptiness of being without her. The tragedy of this wonderful woman's life being so hard and so challenging. Thoughts of March 6th.

Grief waves still overwhelm me when they hit.

Though I have to say, I do bounce back quicker these days. I've learned to take my mind to a different place after the wave has subsided. That's something I couldn't do a few months ago. It's not that the waves have lost intensity, I just realize that if I ride them too long, I can't function the way I need to. That's progress, right?

 

[MartyT]

Yes, Mitch, that is progress.

Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim. ~ Vicki Harrison

[mittam99]

Well then, I guess I'm learning to swim, Marty. I'm still in the kiddie pool though. 

[mittam99]

Another quote that struck me as rather true...

[MartyT]

Endurance. Yes. A perfect description. 

[mittam99]

Thirteen and a half months and it still hurts so bad. Sure, I'm functioning better than I was but that's the keyword... functioning.

By definition, something that is functioning is working — doing what it's "supposed" to do. And that's where I am, doing what I have to do, doing the basics. Yes, I throw in a few "extras" like revamping some of the rooms in the house or the occasional burst of creativity. And yes, I work. Sleep and eat too. And do the chores, well, most of the time anyway. So, I'm functioning, but, compared to living my old life with Tammy by my side, there's simply no real joy to be found. Seeing a beautiful blue sunny sky or a wonderful sunset or a dog wagging it's tail etc. does give me a momentary bit of warm and fuzzy but it's short lived.

Last night I was invited to dinner at my older sister's house. My younger sister was there with my brother-in-law. A friend of my sister's, her husband and their son were there, too. The food was great, the conversation was fine and I know I handled it better that I would have a year ago. I actually had quite a few funny lines that had people laughing. I helped with much of the cleanup after the meal. To others, it probably seemed like I was doing "better".  I admit I am functioning better than a year ago, no doubt. Of course, back then, an invite to a meal pretty much put me in anxiety attack mode. 

What made the event so hard was coming home. The house looks great, neater than ever (cleaning is a new hobby of mine lol), actually. But, something was amiss. Where's my lovely, charming wife? That's when it hit me, hard. My sisters still have their husbands. My sister's friend was at dinner with her husband. I mean, I still feel married. Tammy will always be my one and only in my heart. But to others, I'm just "widower Mitch". The poor guy who tragically lost his young wife to the ravages of poor health at only 45 years old.

So, it's easy to start feeling depressed. To feel like your life has no meaning and that, for all intents and purposes, happiness is something that only happened in the past tense. Living in the present feels like you're being tortured for some crime you didn't commit. The truth is, we're only "guilty" of one thing... loving our soul mate deeply and passionately. And as we all know, it's that deep love that's making our grief nearly impossible to endure at times.

Having said all this, I'm still trying to live a life to the best of my ability. I'm functioning and I'm coping. How am I able to do this? The answer is easy ... it's my Tammy. Tammy motivates me. She makes me a better person. She makes me realize that life is precious and it is worth living. Tammy never gave up. She fought battles that would have put most of us on our knees and she fought back with courage and strength that few could muster. Her legacy, her persona and her essence is still alive, inside of me. With every step, I walk with her in my heart and in my soul. In that sense, Tammy will live on with me, forever. We will always be the perfect team. "Two peas in a pod" as we used to call ourselves.

I love my Tammy for all eternity.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Mitch...

With only making two changes in what you wrote, replacing you with me and Tammy with Mark, it completely explains how my life is going presently.  Mark did not struggle with illness as your wonderful Tammy; he was struck down sudden and unexpected.  Two peas in a pod described us to a T.  I put my birdfeeders back out today; knowing that the big one will get ravaged by squirrels...that is what the dogs are for.  They get exercise, and I get to have a chance at watching the birds out my window.  Like you, I try and find a glimmer of joy; I try and find a way to channel my creative energy.  I am looking forward to having a few days off this coming week.  I am trying to convince myself NOW to not let the time go by without making some productive use from it.  It is still small victories that I look for.  Something that I can take pride in.  It is hard to get past that "it doesn't matter" frame of mind...because a LOT of the time it really doesn't.  I am so glad to see your post today, Mitch.  Thank you for putting it so perfectly.

[Gin]

Mitch,

i am not doing nearly as well as some people think I am.  Al and I were also two peas in a pod.  He had so many medical problems, but he was a fighter and we thought we were doing OK with it all.  The doctors used to tell us that we were a great team.  I guess because I am not blubbering all the time, some friends think I am OK.  I am not.  Now I am having medical problems, and do not have my team mate to be here.  It is all so hard!

gin

[brat#2]

Mitch - thank you for your post, it was beautiful.  I'm not really sure you could call what I'm doing is functioning.  I'm just here, yes I do the things you are "supposed" to do, but that is it.  I can't seem to find the desire to do anything else, I use to be so creative and always doing something that made me proud and Dale proud of what I did, now my mind just doesn't seem to care and there is no one else to care either.  I'm hoping to find "that" again.

Gin - I'm starting to have medical issues now too and it is just so hard not having "my team mate" here with me.

Joyce

 

[kayc]

Mitch,

You are right where you are supposed to be in your journey, and that you can find even momentary joy is good.  I can very much relate to what you said, it seems I'm not that different this far out except I don't get hit with triggers as often and I'm more used to this.  I don't think those that still have their spouses can begin to understand what it's like to be missing yours all of the time!    I've even had a sister point out that I'm lucky because she has to listen to sports up loud all the time.  Lucky?  I pointed out to her that she has a husband that loves her and he took care of her when she broke her shoulder...I pointed out that no one was there to take care of me when I broke my right elbow.  I pointed out to her that when I came home from surgery there was no one there to help me or check on me.  That I spend my holidays alone and don't have someone to go on trips with like she does.  I also pointed out there's no other income or extra pair of hands to rely on, that I have to take care of anything that comes up.  Nope, they don't have a clue...

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, brat#2 said:

Mitch - thank you for your post, it was beautiful. 

I'm not really sure you could call what I'm doing is functioning.  I'm just here, yes I do the things you are "supposed" to do, but that is it.  I can't seem to find the desire to do anything else, I use to be so creative and always doing something that made me proud and Dale proud of what I did, now my mind just doesn't seem to care and there is no one else to care either.  I'm hoping to find "that" again.

 

I appreciate you saying that, Joyce. It's hard to truly convey in words how much I love Tammy and how wonderful she was. And how perfect we were for each other. But I try my best.

I want to tell you something. Something important. The fact that you post here means you're not just "going through the motions". You truly want there to be some happiness in your life. Right now, you're just not ready to be super creative and make giant leaps. And that's ok. You're here and you're doing the best you can. Pat yourself on the back. You know Dale would.

This new life isn't easy.

Three truths to remember...

1, One day at a time.

2. Baby steps.

3. You gotta have hope.

 

 

[brat#2]

Thank you so much Mitch for your words of encouragement and support, it means so much to me.

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

Joyce, that's what we're here for, right? "Outsiders" (those who haven't experienced a loss like this) don't understand. We do. We all know the hurt of losing our soul mate. The emptiness, the angst, the longing to be with them again, the loneliness, the guilt, the waves of grief that knock us down. And on and on. We are all in this together.

If I can help someone and make their grief journey a little easier, I've done a good thing, right? And in doing so I might just put a bit of a smile on my face. It's a win win.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

It is hard to get past that "it doesn't matter" frame of mind...because a LOT of the time it really doesn't.  

Matpryann, you post such well thought posts.  I feel a downer because I always zero in on the low points, but that is where I am.  I can't beleive hoe my view of life has changed and his little matters anymore.  And I want it to!  But it can't be forced.  All that matters to me are my furry kids and there are even times I push them away.  Thier happiness is something I watch with envy.  They live the now and have no anticipation of the future.  They only react with fear when there is an actual tangible reason.  My older dog would flip out in glee if Steve walked in the door.  But I know she doesn't think about it anymore as she did the first couple of months.  Got a little carried away there rambling.

i just want something to matter beyond 'getting thru the day'.  Humans need purpose.  Be it with someone or from within themselves.  I see why people lost in a vacuum become shadows of a whole being.

[Gwenivere]

Kay, I cannot believe the word LUCKY was even said to you!  Lucky?  We are lucky we are now alone, live in silences, have clean houses?  How absolutely insensitive and truly clueless!

Mitch, I have a HOPE medallion Steve made me promise to always carry.  He gave it to me before his 2nd surgery and went that failed in there's it on a table and he asked I keep it.  I do, but am still waiting for it to mean something. 

[Patty65]

Just needing to post, as I sit here quietly at work and read.I am numb with a knot in my throat and tears almost in my eyes, but I am not attached to it or anything.

Today is two months.

 I am putting in 15 hour days even on the weekend, and avoiding "the house".   This morning I had to get up at 4:00(am) and be here for a catering order by 5:15.  On the way down the... well, volcano, we live upcountry. I mean I live upcountry  and can see the whole island as I drive to work.  I see a big fire in the distance, in the same spot that Ron, Mr. Navigator, would point out to me was where our shop was.  It turned out wasn't our shop, just near it, but I was shaking all the way down the hill, because it would have been just like me to leave something on for it to catch on fire; not having Ron to always watch out for my forgetfulness.

I try hard not to beat myself up.  I know I shouldn't, I know it's a defense. G*dd*nm logic and emotions fighting again.  But numb makes me feel crazy and like it will always be numb to prove I am betraying him, I didn't love him enough.  So I'm wrong for feeling bad, and wrong for feeling wrong, a nice little loop. Until it is in circles and I'm just absolutely nuts.  And now as I write that, my therapist would tell me it's ok, to just observe it. To notice it. And to know that feelings and thoughts will always change. To wait it out.

This morning, my daughter texted me to call her when I woke up (was already up), she is 6 hours time zone away.  She is working on her script for her senior film project next year.  It is going to be about an elderly woman in her 80s who dies in her sleep alone, but the film will be her final dream, her life flashing before her eyes.  But my daughter is only 21, so she wanted to ask me my perspective on my life.  About what I remember, what pops first, decade to decade, and we start talking about "big events". Life changing events.  I start to talk about how profound Ron's death was to me. Dry-eyed.  That only those who have gone through it can understand, that if this woman in her film was alone, perhaps it is because her spouse died, and she could be with no other because of its profundity.  She wants a view from the bedroom ceiling, as if the woman was looking down upon herself as she dies.  I told her about how in the final hours, I felt Ron around me, but not in his body.  I would look up in the corners and around the room, expecting to find him, even though he was in front of me.  She wondered about that, how could you see from a different perspective and your with eyes closed?  We talked about that.  About seeing tunnels and white light and your loved ones.  And about the reports of near death experiences and trauma survivors.  I am proud of her for exploring.  And I am numb.

I will not go to the house tonight.  I will go to my friend's - the one I said I wouldn't go to - and probably comfort her about her trials and tribulations about her husband who she is mad at and her handicapped son.  I set it up.  Because I will not go to the house.  And because I'm crazy and I'm afraid of losing the one friend I've got, and I've got nowhere else to go.  I will not text my therapist because I think I have something to prove about doing this day on my own, even though I don't. 

My computer just freaked out, anything I had my mouse over would be like I clicked on it.  I had to reboot, but somehow this post is still here, so I guess I will press Submit.  I just want today, and every day, to be over and my Ron to come home to me.  I used to feel him around me.  I don't anymore, and it feels like punishment for... I don't know. Being so messed up.  I know it's not.  Logic at war with emotion again.

Thanks for listening,

Patty

 

 

 

[Gin]

Patty,. I never want to go home either.  Just walking in to the empty house freaks me out.  My daughter and son-in-law took me out for lunch today to a restaurant where Al and I used to go.  I kept staring at one booth where we used to sit. I wanted to leave, but I sure did not want to go home to that empty house.  It has been 6 months and I do not feel like I am improving.

gin

[Patty65]

Hi Gin,

Do you feel the opposite at the same time?  I hate more and more going to "the house"/"home", yet at the same time, it was the one home that I felt completely wonderful and safe in because Ron was there for me... and so I sometimes have the urge to rush home to my safe place, shut the rest of the world out... but then I do, and I'm like -- "what did I want to do this for?"  Yet I don't want to lose it, my familiar, my old comfort, our place where we were together.  It's both, and it's none.

Patty

[mittam99]

Patty, I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. At two months everything is still very, very raw. At two months, no words I can say can soothe the pain or bring you comfort. As you know,  I'm much further along in my grief but I wanted to quote myself from May 2015 when I was at two months.

"This is just too hard. The hurt is too deep. I'm sort of functioning. I'm working, I'm doing the chores I absolutely have to. Beyond that, I'm going through the motions.

Thinking about Tammy brings sadness, tears and guilt. The unfairness of everything she went through. The fact that I miss her so much it hurts. The fact I wasn't always the perfect husband. I know I tried my best but ultimately I wasn't able to save her. I was supposed to be her knight in shining armor and her protector.

This life put simply... sucks. Honestly, I don't know why I even work. For what future? I know people say it gets better with time, better how? The truth is, I doubt life will get better. How could it? I lost everything that meant something in my world. This is how it will be. It's called torture."

Contrast that with my more hopeful tone of today. Of course, the waves and tears still come daily but I'm learning to live and function in this new world. This grief journey is definitely a marathon. Keep on posting and we'll be here for you.

[Margm]

I am in the house that is not a home.  I know that I need to get more done.  I just don't know what to do.  I packed Billy away.  That took everything out of me.  But there are other things I have to pack away too.  The other night an offensive cooking pan was hard to clean, so I put it in the trash.  Then it dawned on me.  I will put everything down in front of the thrift store.  I go down to the thrift store and country yard sales beat me to it.  That place was packed from floor to roof with black garbage bags full of "stuff."  Did the whole town's husbands pass away and the wives are getting rid of "stuff."  

You know Billy and I were not homesteaders.  When we would move somewhere Billy's words were always "we will take one room at a time."  That sounds like good advice.  I will do that.  In the meantime the dishwasher is broke (I never used it but part of family living with me uses it/used it a lot).  The fan in the back room broke.  I sure wish I had a fairy godmother to whisk this stuff out of here.  Honestly, if Billy were here, he would not be any more use than me or his son.  We are procrastinators in the first degree.  

This house I cannot stand to be in but I procrastinate too much to get things under control. Mama's story about the Little Train That Could just has not sunk in, I guess.  Hey, I am a Steel Magnolia, I can do this.  

And Patty, I could not put in 15 hour days.  I know how you feel about not wanting to come "home."  If Billy and I lived in a tent it was "home."  Anywhere he was, if we were homeless, if I was with him I would have been at home.  Billy was home.  And, I know you feel the same for Ron.  So, I will just exist where ever I turn up, and supposed to turn up in the apartment on May 6th.  Won't move in then though.  Will have to come back to this dreaded house.  Billy always let me conduct all business except income tax.  I am not a babe in the woods, but I feel like one.

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, Gin said:

 My daughter and son-in-law took me out for lunch today to a restaurant where Al and I used to go.  I kept staring at one booth where we used to sit. I wanted to leave, but I sure did not want to go home to that empty house.  It has been 6 months and I do not feel like I am improving.

gin

Gin, I wish I could invent that time machine and we'd all be back with our soul mates. Six months feels like a long time without Al, and it is. But honestly, you're still early in this journey. Try to be  patient and gentle with yourself. I know it's hard and one day feels just like the day before. I also know these words I'm writing won't magically "cure" your hurt. Just know you have a lot of people at this forum rooting for you. Hugs.

[Patty65]

My numb broke when I was talking to my old college counselor and friend from 20 years ago a little while ago.  I had a preset time we were going to talk, given the two month mark.  I was numb when I called.  She said, "are you home?"  The last 2x we tried to talk I was still at work and couldn't.  I said, "I'm homeless." She said, "What?" I said, "well, i have the house, , but I have no home."  The numb broke when I was talking about how much Ron loved me.  He loved me fiercely. He adored me.  I felt "worth it" finally in my life. I JUST don't know how to live without that love.  He gave me so much love that he gave me self esteem, that I know I should have on my own, but here I am, not knowing how to go another minute without his fierce love for me.  It showed in his eyes.  My protector.  She said his love and energy is still out there.  I told her I couldn't find it anywhere.  Mitch it's so good you can feel Tammy by your side.  I so wish I could feel Ron like that.

 

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, Patty65 said:

Do you feel the opposite at the same time?  I hate more and more going to "the house"/"home", yet at the same time, it was the one home that I felt completely wonderful and safe in because Ron was there for me... and so I sometimes have the urge to rush home to my safe place, shut the rest of the world out... but then I do, and I'm like -- "what did I want to do this for?"  Yet I don't want to lose it, my familiar, my old comfort, our place where we were together.  It's both, and it's none.

You said it perfectly, Patty.  When I am out, I want to go home.  When I get here I am lost in a vast emptiness wondering how this place will ever feel warm, light and life again.  It's being lost in both worlds.  So where do we go?  Your describing it as being 'homeless' is spot on.  A place that looks so familiar but it's like being between realities.  Losing our safe place is so hard.  I even feel the emptiness on my way here because I know he won't be here.  I have yet to figure out a way to keep this home alive on my own.  The energy, which is limited as it is, gets drained so quickly when we are always in this state of being lost.

[Margm]

Patty, I went from Mama and Daddy directly to Billy.  I never lived in an apartment by myself, worked outside the home, and really married to  get away from home.  Billy knew this, nothing was permanent.  He was afraid of responsibility, I had no idea what the word meant.  I was 18 and he was 20.  We would be 19 and 21 soon, but still not a bit more intelligent.  My college teachers told me we could not live on what he made.  I was prepared to work.  He said his wife was not going to work.  I told him I was going to use the car to go see a friend and he told me I wasn't.  He told me marriage was 25/75.  Guess which part was mine?  I wish I had that 25% back, it was sure better than 0%.  We grew up with our children.  Made a lot of mistakes.  And, if I had to do it over again, I would accept that 25% willingly, eyes wide open.  It was a wild ride.  The marriage went 50/50 when I started work but in reality, it was always 50/50.  We were just kids.  Well, I am fixing to live in an apartment by myself.  Living life backwards.  Hang on girl, we have to just hang on.  

[Clematis]

Gwenivere, I was amazed by what you wrote about feeling homeless. I was thinking earlier today that I felt homeless and that the word seemed ridiculous because at the moment I have two houses-my dad's condo and mine. But mine no longer feels like home and I feel horrible when I am there. Lena the cat doesn't think it seems like home either and when I take her over there so she doesn't forget her home of 11 years, she sits by the door and waits for us to leave and go back to my dad's condo, which is full of his things but is empty because even though I am staying here, he is gone and never coming back.

My cat is a therapy cat and travels around in the car quite a bit more than most cats, due to her jobs. She doesn't mind too much, but whenever she looks uncomfortable, I tell her that she IS at home...her home is wherever I am, even if it is in the car. I think she believes me-as long as I am holding her or if she is in the car, she never worries. I wonder - is it so much easier for a cat?