enna

A different picture.

Hello Celeste, Welcome to this special place where we share our thoughts without any judgment. I am very sorry that you lost your mother in 2016 after a beautiful 92 years on this earth. Your daughter’s success at being clean from drug addiction is deserving of a big shout out. It is no wonder that these two major concerns in your life have taken a toll on you. It is time for you to give yourself a gift. The gift I’m thinking about is self-care. Emotions and feelings do not last forever. I can understand your concern about your brother. Is he all right now? I am not familiar with the techniques outlined in DARE that you mentioned but it sounds like a place to start. Spend some time here and read what others have written. You are not alone and this place proves it. The people who come here are very empathic and help us know we are not alone. Tears are good. They have a way of releasing some tension we all have when we face loss. I hope you have had a health check-up just to make sure you are in good health. You have already found this place and it is a place that will always be ready to listen. I like guided meditations - sharing Anne

It is time, Butch. A beautiful black & white of mommy and Ryan. The yawn is too precious. Finally, good news for the family. Anne

The above discussion was excellent and will replay again if you missed it. If you haven't read Dr. Ira Byock's book Dying Well it would be well worth it. There is a discussion guide provided by Dr. Karen Wyatt (above) if you are interested in a book discussion. Dr. Karen will give a link to the replay soon.

I like TED talks on YouTube. This video I’m sharing really touched me. This young girl talks about being resilient in times of great loss. I am not young and at the age of almost 75, I am still learning about what we can do when our lives are turned upside down. I hope the video helps just one person who is struggling ~ allow ten minutes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztnn8W4qE2o

This is grief ~ no matter the loss...

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.' Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Wednesday, August 16, 2017 The Worst Grief Sometimes when we’re feeling bitten hard by grief, or just snarky, we try to prove that we are hurting the most, that our grief is the worst that anyone has ever experienced. In the entire world. Ever. I’ve lost a wife in her 40s, three beloved pets (well, one not so beloved), both parents (one to dementia), all my grandparents, a friend to AIDS, two to murder, several to cancer, one to suicide, and a number of young friends to car accidents. As I walk among the tombstones in my private cemetery, it would be hard to put them on a scale of the worst because they each hit me hard in different ways. The severity of grief depends upon who died, the quality of our relationship with that person, the circumstances of death, the volume and frequency of death in our lives, and what else was going on at the time. No death is simple. Every death carves its own canyon of unimaginable sorrow. A wife who dies in her 40s seems more tragic than a wife who dies in her 80s. One death, after a long life of adventures, is expected, while with the other death we also mourn all the years ahead that were lost. Many of us feel closer to one parent than another, so one parent’s death affects us more. But what if one parent was abusive to the other, or to us? Should we feel any grief for a parent who abandoned us when we were young? Do we grieve close friends we have chosen more than relationships we were born into? I have not lost a child, but I imagine that this might be among the worst losses of all because we are supposed to protect them. If they died from something like cancer, then there are also our feelings of injustice for a child dying, anger at cancer, and guilt for not having taken care of them, even if there was absolutely nothing more that we could have done. The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale measures the impact of changes in our lives. On it, the death of a spouse is at the top with 100 points. Divorce is second at 73. The death of a close family member is 63, and I’m guessing that losing a child is included here since I don’t see it listed separately. Losing a job has 47 points. Even good changes are stressful, like getting married (50) or buying a house (31), because we have to make major adjustments in our life. If several changes happen at the same time, good and bad, the stress points add up. When our total is over 300, we are at a high risk of breaking and becoming ill. Perhaps the first death of someone close is the worst, because not only has someone died, but our childhood belief in the innocence of life may also disappear. Dylan Thomas wrote about this. Maybe the third death in a month unravels us more because it tips our fragile balance over to the dark side and it seems that everyone we love is either dying or dead. If we’re retired and our spouse is gone, the death of our best friend or pet might be what causes our Tower of Resolve to fall. Besides who died and our relationship with them, there is the how. Was the death from a slow and painful illness? Was it sudden or peaceful? Was the death a suicide or deliberately caused by someone else? These things can make us question whether goodness exists in the core of every person. I find myself mourning the death of good people I don’t know because the world doesn’t have enough compassionate people, just a lot of the angry, too-busy, and self-absorbed. Do we ever get used to people dying and taking parts of us away? Is there a limit to our endurance? Perhaps the worst grief is the one where we never forgive ourselves. Posted by Mark Liebenow at 6:24 AM

TED talks - coping with grief https://tedxinnovations.ted.com/2016/06/15/5-tedx-talks-on-coping-with-grief/

Widower's Grief Advice For Grief Recovery Posted: 09 Aug 2017 04:19 AM PDT My friend Fred Erwin wrote what he would share with people if they were grieving. His words are filled with wisdom, truth, and compassion. These are his thoughts with a few of my own. Pay attention to your grief. 
 It is right for us to grieve because people we love have died. They died too soon, and they died before we were ready. They died before we had learned all we could from them. They were an important part of our lives, and their absence leaves a hole. 
 Grief will last for longer than you expect. Grief will bring many emotions and physical sensations as we move through the days, weeks and months—shock, sorrow, loneliness, despair, rage, depression, aches, chills, discomforts and more. Do not hide from any of them. And if you have any unresolved grief from the past, that will probably come back. 
 Death is a physical event and grief is the appropriate physical response. Gather with family and friends and share stories about the one who died. You know much about the person’s life, but you do not know everything. Sharing with others fills in the gaps and brings new insights and understanding. We hear stories we never knew. Be honest in your sharing because everyone has weaknesses and flaws. This is the time to acknowledge the fullness and contradictions of your loved one's life. The biggest danger with grief is to fear or deny it because then psychological problems begin. 
 Allow yourself to cry when you feel like crying, and weep when moments move deeper. People expect those who are grieving to be emotional and you have their permission to grieve now. They won’t be as understanding if you put grief off for five or twenty years. Be prepared for visitations from the departed, whether this happens in dreams, visions, or simply feeling their presence when you see their possessions or smell a familiar scent. This can also be a time for you to complete unfinished business. If there is something you always wanted to say to the one who died, now is an excellent time. Find relief in the rituals and prayers of your tradition, whatever they are. Many people have walked the path of grief before us. They bear witness to the fact that people survive grief, that they patch their lives back together, and that they are able to find happiness again.

I read your story and I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your child. I like your last few sentences: "Going forward, I want to do it differently. For me. For my husband. For my surviving child. It is the only way. I am scared. I am in pain. I hurt. Thank you for reading." This is a very positive step and a good way to move forward in our grief. This forum is a safe place for us to share our grief without any judgments or unsolicited advice. Many will be here to sit with you and allow you to share your pain. Sending hugs. Anne

Take time to congratulate yourself for how you are coping with your grief. https://whatsyourgrief.com/congratulations-coping-with-grief/ Congratulations.pdf

I am so sorry that you were involved in an accident with Mark's car. I hope you have been checked out as you said you would. If the accident was serious enough to perhaps total the car you need to keep in touch with your doctor. Let us know how you are doing. I know this is painful for you right now. Anne

Sadly, another member of our family has crossed over to Rainbow Bridge with Benji, Fred, and so many other precious souls. Mr. Wrigley or Wrigs as he was so lovingly named died this week from cancer. Loss of an animal cracks open the wounds of remembering others.

I have read your post and I am so very sorry for the pain you are enduring right now. I cannot begin to know what you are going through having lost your son to suicide. My heart aches for you and for your loss. You ask, "Am I expecting too much from him?" I think only you will be able to answer this question about your brother's upcoming visit. I would find a way to talk with him and let him know what you are thinking. It doesn't mean it will change things but it will make you feel better. I am sorry you are going through this. We may not have answers to questions but one thing I've learned on my grief journey is that it helps to share and this is a very good place to do so. Anne

Sometimes there are just no words but I wanted you to know that I read your story and I am so very sorry for all your grief. Those of us who come here do so because we all have one thing in common and that is we have lost loved ones. Our grief needs to be expressed and this forum is a safe and caring place to do so. Of course, you are still struggling ~ how could you not be. Sending you a hug. Anne

This is truly good news and it will be something that will help you through your grief journey. Taking this course led by our moderator, Marty, changed me. I believe that you do not have to be in the first year of grief to benefit from this online e-course. Check it out. http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/course-52.html/

Oh Laura, This just makes my heart smile. I am so very glad everything went well with everyone during the service for both your mom and your dad. You were in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. Sending hugs to you. When do you begin school? I wish you a happy year. Anne

Things I Like Instead of those blank faces, I like the Letters of Different Colors for those members who choose not to use their own picture or avatar. Showing who reacted to a post is okay. I don’t really like the heart button indicating who liked a post. I preferred the hands up sign myself. It does help to know that someone read your post. Clicking a like/heart button only takes a nano-second. Things I Don’t Like The Leaderboard ~ everything about it ~ I just believe all content is worthy of recognition not only what someone thinks is popular and this is not a popularity contest so the idea of “Top Members” doesn’t sit well with me. In my opinion, the trophy idea is juvenile ~ 1st, 2nd, 3rd place! Really! Whose idea is this? I did not think this discussion site was about points and content count. This disappoints me. I am glad that we have as many members as we do. My hope is that everyone who comes here feels heard and finds this a caring place to share our grief. Anne