enna

Opening and Calming

My recommendation of Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore is a five-star (highest for Amazon) read. It is a book that I will read more than once. Story after story shows the courageous leap we take when we are faced with any life-changing events. Bearing the Unbearable by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore is a heart stopping account of people who have gone through life changing trauma due to a significant loss. Each account is heart stopping and raw and left me in tears. This is a book of lessons. It is teaching me the lesson of compassion. It is a teacher of understanding different cultures. It teaches me that I do not have to grieve in silence but that I can openly share my story and somehow begin to heal as I embrace my loss. It is a book that gives us permission to grieve openly and without the pressure of a time limit.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017 Cantus: the Silence of Grief In Arvo Part’s Cantus, a composition for orchestra and Orthodox bells, silence is written into the work. There are times when no musicians are playing, yet in this silence, we hear reverberations of the notes recently played. We hear them even though no one is playing. So it is in grief after the death of a loved one. There is a great deal of silence in our lives now. Silence at home when we are cooking. Silence in the places they used to sit. Silence where we are used to hearing their voices talking about the inconsequentials of the day. We hear echoes of their laughter in the silence. In Cantus, and in grief, we are waiting in the silence for something to happen. And we are not waiting because something is happening. We are listening. In the space between what we’ve known and what is not yet here, we are listening for the unknown, and the tension is exquisite, like salt and lime on the lips before the tequila. The bells in Cantus also bring in the meaning of bells for the Orthodox people — remembrance and honoring of the past, and calling them to set aside what they are doing and be attentive to what the Spirit is doing in this moment. Pay attention, they say. Listen. Bells also call the faithful in Episcopal and Catholic churches to open themselves to whatever this moment is. Many of us put wind chimes outside. When they move in the breeze, their chromatic scales play, and some of us hear the voices of our dead saying hello. When two people gather over coffee to talk about grief, there comes a time of silence between them. After the carefully prepared words have been spoken, and they are unsure of what to say next, they listen to the silence, to what is moving deeper in their hearts, to what has not been said. This listening is holy. We are not used to silence. Some of us find it uncomfortable not to say anything when other people are around, especially if we have gathered for the purpose of talking. So we talk constantly to cover our nervousness that we don’t have anything important to say. Some of us are naturally slower to speak than others and choose our words carefully. Silence is part of our cadence. As we listen in the silence, we hear words rise from our hearts and we speak their compassion. When we are with the grieving, our purpose in talking is not to say the right words that will take the pain away, because words cannot do this. Our purpose is to be present to each other, to listen and discern what we both dimly hear. Silence is speaking without using words. Posted by Mark Liebenow

First of all, Joy, I'm so very sorry that you have lost both of your parents. I think that no matter what the circumstances are when we lose our parents it touches our hearts deeply. You ask, "Why am I so hurt over this?" I think it is because he is your father. You made that effort to see him. You did reach out. I think we all feel some guilt about how things went with our parents because of the love we have for them. Sending hugs. Anne

I absolutely love Heartland. Thanks for reminding me of what a perfect clean show it is, Marg. I'm watching it again.

To Sleep or Not to Sleep Sleep or lack of it seems to plague so many when we are grieving. Either we can’t fall asleep or we fall asleep and wake up two or three hours later. This has been discussed often but no one seems to have any real solutions. I have read many suggestions over the last five years and I still have not found any magic solutions. I’ve done several things that I thought would help. And I’m sure these have been followed by many of us. I offer these suggestions: Drink a glass of warm milk before bedtime Take a warm bath ~ use essential oils to relax tight muscles Listen to guided meditations or music before retiring Keep a notebook and pen next to your bed in case you think of something ~ write it down so you won’t be obsessing over it while trying to sleep Remove clutter from the sleeping area Sleep in darkness Try to go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time ~ routine helps Remove all electronics from the bedroom Exercise (but not right before bedtime) Limit your fluid intake a few hours before bed Eat a lighter meal at dinner No caffeine drinks before bed Take naps early in the day Not watching scary shows before bedtime – this includes all world news Keep a fan on and wear eye masks and to keep feet warm wear socks Sleep at the bottom of the bed – this means making the bed differently Get up if you just can’t fall asleep after twenty minutes Eat a light snack so you don’t go to bed hungry (cottage cheese with slices of banana or celery with peanut butter or cream cheese are my choices) I also like apple slices dipped in honey or a few cups of caramel popcorn works too, did I mention the organic cucumbers (seedless) Drink wine early but not right at bedtime but do drink wine Place essential oils on your nightstand – add plants that clean the air Sleep in your hubby’s PJs – sleep on his side of the bed – keep one of his t-shirts inside your pillowcase – spray his cologne around the bed (yes, I still have his cologne in his medicine cabinet still) – shave with his razor (don’t have to do this often since most of the hair on my legs has been rubbed off due to aging) Many things others have found or I have found do not work and the ones I refer to are too much alcohol (emphasis on too much), sleep aides (prescribed or otherwise for a long period of time ~ chance of becoming dependent but always talk to your doctors), coffee (bold) chocolate before bed, chocolate ice cream before bed, chocolate sauce on banana slices before bed, chips dipped in chocolate, pizza, chocolate (did I say chocolate before?), cleaning (help!), exercising right before bed, surfing the web, keeping a TV on when trying to fall asleep, counting sheep, counting dollar bills, just counting anything If I listen to music when I’m trying to fall asleep I usually end up singing along and if I don’t remember the words I have to get up and Google them. Each one of us is different so what works for one of us may not work for the other So, what have you tried that works or doesn’t?

Hi Patricia, I have not had any experience with the drugs that some people have to use but I do know that it is so important to recognize that we are each one of us individuals and what works for one may not work for another. Grief is NOT a sickness. It is a reaction to what we have lost. During early grief, some people need help with sleep and anxiety and only the person experiencing these things understand that. Our Primary Care Doctors or other qualified doctors can guide each one of us. A qualified grief counselor can direct us on this path. If there are medical issues involved we follow what the doctors tell us. I am a little over five years into my grief. The most traumatic death I have to deal with has to do with the loss of my beloved husband, Jim, of forty years. There isn't an emotion that I have not experienced during this time. Grief does not follow a one, two, three pattern. We never 'get over' grief we only learn how to navigate through it. I have found that the more I understand grief the better I am able to cope. There are hundreds of suggestions 'out there' that people offer to us but the ones that fit you depend on your circumstances. My personal experience has been three-fold ~ I read and learn what is normal in grief, I meditate (mostly guided meditations), and I do crafts like coloring. My Jim loved music. I listen to music more than I have the TV on. I spend time outdoors even in the extreme heat we have had this summer in AZ! I have always written in my journal, I am now volunteering a little more than I used to. I think it depends on your age, your commitments, and your circumstances. No two people grieve in the same way and there really is NOT a right or wrong way to grieve. Sending hugs to you, Anne

Thanks for the belly laugh, Marty.

10 Things to Read When You are Grieving http://www.nextavenue.org/10-things-to-read-when-youre-grieving/?utm_source=sumome&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=sumome_share

GRIEF

Namasté

Grief Is Like... Grief is like a rose ~ sometimes you can smell the petals and other times you get focused on the thorns. https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-is-like/?utm_content=buffer6ffad&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

This isn't really a quote and it isn't an article either but I wanted to share it. One thing I'm learning on this grief journey is that the more I share my journey the more I come to terms with accepting it. It is my grief and I am learning to carry it. 5 Things grief would say if it could speak By Monique Minahan 1. If grief could speak it would say, I’m sorry. I’m sorry it’s me that arrived at your doorstep instead of love. But I am made of love too. In fact, it’s because I love so much that I hurt so much when I lose the people I love. 2. If grief could speak it would say, You can survive. I know you may not want to. I know life may not be worth living without them. I know the earth collapsed beneath your feet. I know a part of you died with them. And I know you can survive, one breath at a time, one moment at a time, one day at a time. 3. If grief could speak it would say, Please don’t hide me away. I know when people see you with me they get uncomfortable. I know your friends don’t know what to say to me. I know it’s easier to hide me away when you have company over for dinner. But I’d like a seat at the table. Will you let me speak? Will you listen to me? I can’t promise I’ll be polite or calm. I may raise my voice because I’m angry or I may collapse in a pile of tears, but if I can let it out then I don’t have to hold it in here, in you. I’d like to create some more space inside you for all of us to coexist. You, me, love, anger, laughter, peace, hope, joy... there’s enough room for all of us in your heart. 4. If grief could speak it would say, I love you. You may not love me, but I love you. I love how you love so big. I love how you keep taking care of your babies who lost their papas or their mamas. I love how you keep taking care of that space your loved one took up even though they’re gone. How you leave their favorite book in the same place, how you leave their clothes folded, how you let them live a little longer in the things left behind. I love how you don’t let the world forget they were here, that they mattered, that they were a part of you. I love you. 5. If grief could speak it would say, Find your own way. There seem to be a lot of “experts” out there about me. They say I work in stages and they make it sound like I’m something to get over, like the flu. What I can tell you is there is nothing wrong with me and there is nothing wrong with you. I am not a sickness, I am grief. I am a valid experience and emotion and there is no right way to hold me. There is just your way. No two people receive me the same way. Let’s find our own way to dance together, to cry together, to break together, to heal together. Let’s find our own way through this brief and beautiful life.

Hi Laura, “into the lion’s den” – you have been there before, Laura. I wish there was an answer for you as to what you should do but only you can decide that. You are going there to finish the celebration of life you had for your father back in 2016. That needs to be the focus. You are a musician and a part of the celebration could be for you to play in honor of your father. If others do not want to participate it is their choice. You put an idea out there and that is all you can do. Go with an open heart. Play something your father would have liked. Perhaps you could read a poem that you know he liked. Say your goodbyes and come back to Arizona. We will be here for you. Remember Laura, you are not alone. Anne

The Haircut A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father, as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a "C" to a "B" average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair." Love the Dad's reply! "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

Your beloved Murphy is so sweet. I am so sorry that this accident happened. I cannot imagine how devastated you must be! Thanks for sharing the picture. Those of us who have lost a precious pet take one day a time. I have learned to accept the tears when they come.

I am so excited. Finally, we are beginning to recognize that grief is worthy of talking about it. Over the last months, there have been many books and articles being written about how we recognize and walk through our grief. My latest reads have been Francis Weller’s Wild Edge of Sorrow, Sharon Sandberg & Adam Grant’s book Option B, Sharon Salzberg’s latest book, Real Love, and finally today another book that to me is a must read by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore & Adam Grant titled Bearing the Unbearable that will arrive in my mailbox in a day or two. I have patiently waited weeks for it. I have spent years reading about grief and have found some very excellent teachers who spread their knowledge about grief to all of us who will open ourselves to it. I cannot begin to list all of these people here but my purpose is to express my belief that the more knowledgeable we become about this subject the more we are able to allow ourselves the gift of grieving. Today I wait for two things ~ one is for my book Bearing the Unbearable by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore & Adam Grant to arrive and the second is to hear what my cardiac doctor has to say about the results of my latest tests do to my heart failure. Please put this book Bearing the Unbearable out there for fellow grievers to read, Marty. I will write a recommendation as soon as I read it. I just know it will be one of those books I will read more than once.

Just see it...

The Unique Loneliness of Grief https://whatsyourgrief.com/unique-loneliness-grief/