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I keep his smartphone on, I check his email to keep it clean from spam. I'm posting this using his phone. His phone was the last thing he gave me before going into surgery and I cannot separate from it until this machine dies too. I don't even take it out of home in fear it could be stolen.

Marg and Kay, I admire you. I couldn't pack his stuff, my MIL did it. I simply left the apartment we shared unable to do that. My inlaws dismantled all, on top of their pain. I will always feel grateful, guilty, and in debt for that.

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my soulmate too and still I don't know how to integrate well this tragedy after 15 months. Like Margareth said, I have him but I don't have him at all, and this is very hard to cope and to live with when there is so much love in our souls and so little else to do without them here. This is a place of compassion and understanding.

Thank you kevin for your perspective and I wish you the best. Keep letting us know.

Joseashish, I am sorry for your loss. I read your post and it is very touching. I am a young widow too, even though we were not married. I am at month 14. There is little advise to tell at a very recent loss, 6 weeks is very short time. I believe that the challenge of a young widow-widower is the return to the world, with what is left in our souls, but what we have lost from our world, a world that because of our age we must still deal with, mingle with, and stay in it, without being understood by our young friends, coworkers and so on. This is what I am facing now. This is my struggle. But to reach to here, I walked in a dark valley. I visit this valley sometimes, but there are other days that I can see the sun. If I may give you an adivse it would be to keep and stick to your faith in God because it provides with confort, hope and perspective when it seems there is none. I tell you so because I don't have that and I think that things would have been easier, if possible, If I had faith. Keep writing and reading, this is a safe place. Take good care of your daughter.

I'm going to quit my job. I lasted a month. It is a harsh and unkind place. I cannot stand anymore. However, i feel guilty for i don't know what. For not being able to cope. This day I asked God why and what is trying to test me. I am so tired. I used to be a manager. Now I feel I can deal if I work in the woods or in a monastry. I watched nuns passing by today. I felt envy. I wish I could turn off my mind and my heart for a while .TO MY LOVE, I MISS YOU, WHO AM I IF YOU ARE GONE, WHAT IS THE WORLD IF YOU ARE NOT IN IT? WHAT IS LIFE TRYING TO TEACH ME?

When I am with ny friends, in their 30s, married with children, I wish I could speak up my truth, but I cant. I cannot tell them: "do not pray for happinness in my life, nor that my dreams come true. We were close to fulfill them, we could touch them, we wave our hands with hope that we would see again with his health restored, and our lifes were destroyed. He died and I died too, I have seen hell, so please pray that I find serenity, not acceptance, nor happiness, cause I feel I cannot accept this, forget this, and be happy again. Please dont wish me a long life, cause right now I dont want to live 40 years, right now I would like to leave young, I cannot stand the thought of 40 or 50 years without my soulmate. Please dont wish that I find love again, because today I feel cheated by love, because I feel I cannot risk to find myself with my heart being broken again because I need someone, only because I am young. I am not young anymore, I dont feel young, I am back from a road where love were promises of a better future. the vows you pronounced on your wedding days, I have fulfilled them at 35. I did my part, and now what? So please, pray for serenity, pray for peace. I dont care about dreams nor youth nor happiness" I would like to say thisl but I can't. So I write this here cause I know you understand, you won't try to fix my pain. Thank you all.

Today speaking to my FIL I told him that I missed my past, where everything had a reason, every decission had a purpose. Now, nothing makes sense, I dont know why I am doing things, to be alive? To live? When things go wrong, I go back to the past, there were struggle and suffering too, but there was hope. I hoped. I guess I miss feeling hopeful too. I cannot write what I miss from my boyfriend cause there are not enough words.

Gwen, when I was "suggested" By a married friend that if I found a job I would find a new boyfriend, I replied, with anger, "the Road you are walking, I have already walked in and now I am returning. I wish you never know what it means". Sometimes it is not possible to cry our hearts out.

I miss also being hopeful about the future. I mean, I am realistic and pragmatic, but I had plans, sort of a road map. You understand when I say that life literally explode, that I exploded. I am like those cities which are bombed in war times.

I miss his soul. About me, I miss being smiley and joyful. I find hard to smile, to be talkative, I am a shadow of my old self. Overall, I miss my past when he was here. Who am I now that he is gone?

Yes Janka, I remember and i am very sorry for what you are going through. I understand. Maybe I will quit too in the near time if nothing changes, at the same time I wished this could be a better begining after 13 months of intense grief. I have been told of so many stories like after the storm there is the rainbow, i guess my storm is still around

Hello friends, I am struggling with a new job. After my boyfriend died I quit the two jobs I had and left the town. I could not function and I stopped eating, my mum had to travel to pick me up. I spent a year without a full time occupation, just volunteering and private teaching, but nothing stressful. Friends and relatives insisted to find a job in the hope that I would be busy to think of my grief and that i may like it. Well, it didnt happen. After two weeks I feel unable to cope with stress, deadlines and nasty coworkers. As Marianne described, I have the same feeling, that I cannot be the person of before nor function as before nor work as before. My boyfriend death, I fear, has killed my old self in all aspects. This is my life without him, one in which I cannot even work with my profession anymore. I am in tears. I cannot think of a better future. I cannot even have what was build up with my effort. At the same time I feel a fool complaining about a job I started 15 days ago.

I liked Buffy too (and Cordelia - Sunnydale version)

Dear HH, in these couple of weeks when I am working 9hs, I can concentrate and be taken by the rush of office work without thinking nor having a moment left to feel the grief. However, the daily rush of modern life that is supposed to fill and distract us, and help us, I find it a manifestation of emptiness itself. I just feel empty in any case. Not being able to call my BF is so hurting sad. Now I am part of the world again but it doesnt make sense nor I see anything special about it.

Dear TH, I'm sure they are breathing, running, laughing, walking and swiming, because they are free now. I saw my boyfriend finally released from his pain and his phisical limitations in my dream and I am sure this is how his spiritual life is.

Sure. My name is Ana.

I can imagine how stressful and hard thos 4 years have been, alone with no family, but if you believe your problems at work will continue, you can change. Search for a job while you are at home, if you found one so quickly it means you have a good performance in your past working experiences. I dont see how the situation could be improved in your workplace, I mean, if people were bullying before, why would they change? I left a job where I was bullied after 6 months of starting, it put in danger my relationship with my boyfriend and my health. I found a better job later. I was probably lucky.

Margareth, my mum believes that the good ones, those who have developed a sixth sense or a higher understanding of life, are taken at a young age. She lost his father and only brother, both in their 50s, and she told me she confirmed his belief when her best friend died in an accident and when my boyfriend died. She told me that he was enlightened with some unique quality, that in many ways he was better than her own sons. On the contrary, my grandma, her mother, lived in a wheelchair and lost in her mind for many years until her 80s. I cannot understand why god didnt call her, what was her supposed mission that kept her alive. I don't believe that we have a mission to do and then we are gone. But again, who knows, I have no answers too.

Dear Janka, I don't know what to say, just that to me the limit is a job that puts in danger someone's health. If this is the case, you should quit. No job will reward you for loosing your health.

This questions are my questions dear Gwen. I wish I had an answer to one of them. I am too rational but this approach is not of help some days.

a thought that appears to haunt me is the fact that in the end,what only remains are just memories. Memories....and nothing more? Is that all? To love someone, to wish to die to join him or her, just for living with memories? I seriously don't understand this so called life.

We were dreaming of moving to Paris, I wanted it so much and he was "why not"? The most romantic city from my point of view. I still dream of that but again, it has become another thing that I dont see the point of thinking of it anymore. Myself without him in a room with a view.... I loved Positano and unfortunately I havent visited Bratislava, my group choosed to continue to Budapest instead. Oh gosh, those old days of backpacker.

I find that the thing about second year is the silence that goes with the absence and the void. When I leave the office for lunch time, I cannot call him as I used to. I walk down the street in silence, I eat in silence, I do a break in silence, there are no sms anymore, nor pokes on facebook. Just silence, stillness. There is no need to check my mobile anymore. I wonder why everybody told me that working would help. It does in the sense that for 8 hours I must focus on replying emails. But after, I return to the silence, tired, yes, but it is there. Maybe this article can help for further reflection.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my boyfriend more than a year ago. Take one day and one hour at a time,. I remember that his funeral was mine, the funeral of my life as I new it and of my dreams. I had to left the apartment and moved back to my hometown and with my parents. I mourn many secondary losses. A year later I can tell you that I dont cry and ache so much, but this journey is a very long one, this the first thing to accept. Length and obstacles. But you are not alone. This is a safe place to express your emotions.