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Dear HH, sometimes we think that we are removing them, but according to many books and readings, through grief we are making them part of our present. It doesn't make sense to me yet. Sometimes we need to take action, like change furniture, to allow us to stay here in the present without so much pain. Otherwise we cannot make it, and we must.

I cannot write about my BF last days without feeling a paralysis. I think I will never, ever forget. It is a trauma, I'm sorry too that we have to live with that. I didn't want to say goodbye, I left the ICU without being able to say I love you, I was furious with God, with doctors, with my life. I was in shock, y wanted to scream: save him! wake him up!. Still today I feel so guilty for not staying, for not being able to say last words. I didn't want to see him die nor see his death body. I carry the feeling that I fail him and this is a trauma that keeps coming in my therapy sessions. I will never forget the sound of the machine that measure the hear beat, that beep of fibrilation that I knew from ER TV series. It will haunt me forever. We all carry this with us, and I sincerely wish that we will be able to make it to "evolve" those last days, minutes, hours into something....I don't know what.

Dear Kay, I don't know what to say but a thank you for being here with us, for helping us with a gentle word and hug. Reading your first post I could feel your pain. And after all of these years, thank you for staying here to help us, the new ones, too.

On top of everything, this is unfair. We lost our will, motivation, passion, hobbies and etc. We lost them, we lost our old selves and I have the feeling we were left alone to figure out the rest. Where is the office to complain? If I go outside and yell "please restore myself and my friends" is going to work? I guess that there will be no choice that to open the old box and take out our passions to rebel against death. otherwise this horrible thing is going to win. Again.....this is unfair!!!

To leave the "don't care" mood will take time and effort, I don't believe that you wake up and "oh, I do care today, yessss" but you will reach there. If volunteering at the animal shelter is not yet available, keep an eye on it for vacancies. Devoting time in the garden could be benefitial too. Plants don't talk, don't send you emails, don't ask how are you today and why are you still sad. It is a good starting point. My suggestion is "don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good". Maybe that project cannot be done the way you planned it cause you lack of energy or motivation. But try to focus on a little sub-activity just to make you feel you make it. I know it sounds like you are cheating yourself, but if it helps, it has served for a purpose. During these 16 months I have started and quitted so many activities: knitting, embroidery, gym, swimming, walking, reading, writing, poetry. Nothing lasted more than a month. But it helped me in their little and short-period way, I guess.

Dear Janka, I'm sorry to hear from your back pain. I know the feeling very well as I suffer from my neck and my upper back. Please take care of yourself and I'm sure that soon you will be walking and running again. You quit your job which was the source of your stress and your pain. You did well. I felt so relieved when I quit last week. I could sleep at night again.

Dear HH, If I am allow to offer you a piece of advise....you mentioned how much you love animals. Why don't you sign up to volunteer in a shelter or similar? I know that it's very hard to talk to people, interact and be social again, I understand the difference you feel between you and the rest of the world, and I know that nothing can bring us joy/amusement or any similar so early in this journey, feeling good in a lasting way. Plus starting an activity seems a punishment, cause we didn't need any of it before when our loved ones were around. I know all of it.....but I know that something must be done to leave the "grief house" we are living for a while. I know you are very sad and I don't mean to ignore it. I have been there too. I remember saying every day: I don't care, I don't care, who cares, and similar quotes. I was "forced" by a friend to voluteer for 2 hs a week in a cultural center for seniors. On the first meeting I thought: "who cares about you and your enjoyment, you are going to die, you are alive and my boyfriend is dead and he was young!". I felt horrible, a monster, believe me. I hardly could interact with them or with any other young people there, I smiled a fake smile hiding my teeth. Everything felt like a big lie.......but with time, with so much inner work, I could keep going and I met nice people. They are not my friends, but they were nice people to say hi and to talk about the weather and the news. I made it. Finding a passion or your old passion.....that's totally different, I'm not there yet. I used to be an eager reader, I cannot read anymore. Just the newspaper. I loved accesories like earings, necklaces, scarfs.....all gone inside the closet. Make up? Gone. I loved make up, I read about make up. New clothes? Nop. Cooking books and appliances, all stored and never used them again. Yes, I buried myself, I struggle with this idea. Some things need more time, or time is up for them for ever.

This is very beautiful Brad. I watched too Dacie Sims videos, but I need to watch them more times. I acknowledge her message, but I cannot make it mine yet. I always quote your phrase that the path from the brain to the hear is the longest one. It is very true!

http://themanifeststation.net/2014/05/31/dear-life-how-do-i-feel-alive-again-after-losing-someone-i-love/ Cookie, This is an article I read today that may give some insight to your question. It is not hard to live again, because we are alive after all. Finding motivation, hope, and trust in the future is very challenging and tyring. Today I was supposed to do many things, it is 11am and I have done nothing. I am through year two and although the pain is not as frequent and intesne as before, the question of how am I supposed to live life to its fullest is my new companion in grief. I hope the reading helps.

I'm very sorry Kevin.

I am too thinking of all of you today. I cannot recall any memory of Valentine's day with my boyfriend, we didn't had many. I am sure that if I check my facebook chat or sms I will find the messages, but I don't want to, I fear the pain. I have been doing well for two days and I don't want to be in pain or sad, I am trying to stay "cold" about the whole stuff and so I will avoid tv and facebook. Those cats icons, we loved them. I don't send them again in any message. It is like they belong to me and him. I would like to think that he is holding my hand today and that he is saying I love you, even if I cannot hear it.

Dear Gwen, I too don't know what to say that would bring confort nor give you an useful practical advise. I "understand" your fear, which in grief "fear" and "aloneness" regain a different meaning. I hold your hand, virtually, and my thoughts are with you.

Thank you George for posting this video. It is very helpful.

from Judah Levi: "It is a Fearful Thing. It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch. A fearful thing to love, to hope, to dream, to be – to be, and oh, to lose. A thing for fools, this, And a holy thing, a holy thing to love. For your life has lived in me, your laugh once lifted me, your word was gift to me. To remember this brings painful joy. It is a human thing, love, a holy thing, to love what death has touched".

Hugs for you Janka.

I've quit my job yesterday and I must be honest: I haven't felt so light hearted for a long time, as today. Probably on Monday I'll freak out for being unemployed. But today it feels well. I know I took the right decission after a month of tolerating a very bad-disrespectful boss and horrible colleagues. It is ok today, and one day at a time. I will be able to sleep today. Kay, the advise you gave to take action now is very true. Thank you

Dear Janka, I know love never ends, but also I know that this love I feel for my boyfriend needs him, needs him as it has been, needs him in this new way that I don't know how it works. I feel totally left alone to carry it. It is not his fault. But I need to blame something. I feel I have awaken to some sort of awful truth about life and love. I understand I have been blessed to love and be loved. And now what? That is my question, what shall I do with this blessing, transform it in a book of memories? That's it? You live, you love, you keep memories, you die.... Sorry, I am so angry today.

Gwen, that is exactly what I think. I never, ever, I swear, saw nor think that this horrible pain is part of the sincere, faithful beautiful love story I was, I am, part of. Love was my dream. He was my dream. If love is a grace, a gift, a blessing, I confess I dont see it this way anymore. I have watched a stupid romantic movie thinking that I wont ever, ever, never have any scene from the movie coming from him and that I must live 40 years with this reality, no matter what. On the other hand, I want to believe that this is the first and last time that we are going to be apart. I struggle a lot with God and his work, now with love. I feel I have been cheated by both. Grief to me has become a tragedy cause I feel I cannot believe in anything again.

Janka, I can understand the feeling, but remember the poem that Karen posted on the thread about dissapointing friends. You will keep giving the best of you because it is your nature and you cannot understand the world being so different. your kindness is a gift. If I may give you an advise, look for a volunteering opportunity, two hours a week. It helps a lot to heal when the world seems a place full of dark clouds.

As Kay said in another topic, it is time to protect ourselves.

Janka, how is your health? Is it getting better? Are you going to the doctor? Im going to quit my job, with or without being paid. Today I have been questioned if I understood what I read. I cannot let this go any further because I dont want to end up thinking they are right. I had a crying attack because I thought that Im damaged forever. But it is not true. A year ago I was in bed, now I can go out and be gone for 8hs. I wont let anyone to ruin the big effort I did to survive and not losing my mind. I was thinking of your ordeal at work and I hope you will get out of that place.

An article here that I read today. Scars and the rebellion of grief.

Gwen, my therapist has told me sth similar to yours. In fact, last time he told me he doesn't know how I will evolve, but he hopes for the best. I cannot imagine what could be sort of best....

Dear Janka, I'm sorry you have to deal with this person, on top of everything else. When I read it I thought why you, who are so kind and compassionate, have to deal with mean people at work, and these type of so called friends for good circumstances. I understood that friendship rewrote our address book. I felt many friends for years just forgot me, but at the same time I probably did before and never new their struggles. After my loss I understood how lonely pain is, and I am trying to stay close to my friends in trouble in spite of my own loss. But I'm not perfect, I have written in my mind those who failed to understand or to support me in the worst time. Still,I wish them well. All of this grief issue is tough, demanding, consuming. If only.....

Today I woke up sad and anxious about going to work, fearing a bad day again full of complaints and bad tones. The day started bad with my boss. And in my despair because it was only 10am and I have already been called for attention, I asked my boyfriend. "you always took care of me, you took care of me even if you were trapped in a body that was sick. Now you must be very powerful, more than before. So please do whatever you can, use your powers, ask for more, ignore celestial rules, and please make me invisible, just for today, I want to be ignored for the whole day. Please help me". And no one paid attention to me for the rest of the day. Call me crazy, call me child. Call me desperate. Still, this cannot go on any further....i hope tomorrow will be an ok day too but I don't dare to believe that much.