Cookie

Kayc: Yes, that is a hard realization--that it's for the rest of our lives. I guess I really did think it would pass in a couple of years, but in some ways it can be more painful than ever and there is always that big empty black hole feeling in the pit of my stomach that is around missing him so much. Wow, 23 years is a lot for a cat. We had one that lived to be 22. I feel for you. It is so hard losing our pets, so hard.....I am looking and anxious about getting another poodle. It's very tied up with grief and I'm trying to work through that too. Thanks so much for your thoughts....hugs, Cookie

Gwen: Yes, I have to have another dog, poodle, and will. But, I am really going through a lot of grief triggers. I don't even like myself right now; I can't believe what a big deal this is because I'm doing it without John. I double-guess myself about everything, feeling vulnerable. I guess I never realized how interconnected he and I were until he was gone. But, I will do this and I do want it for myself. I am going to see a breeder tomorrow by myself...it's an hour from here. Have to drive over the mountain on a winding road...wish he was here. I will try to make it a fun adventure.....I totally know what you are talking about in terms of Steve's input. John was a very calm, steady person and really checked things out before proceeding. I was always the emotional, spontaneous one. I will have to watch it......take care, Cookie

Gwen: I think "they" want to label this anxiety as anxiety disorder, but it's really something so different, so intimately connected to unfathomable loss....maybe it is anxiety disorder; I'm not a professional, so I've got it now for sure. I remember having anxiety, but not even close to how this feels. It's amazing that after 3 years there are still so many triggers, things most people wouldn't even think of as upsetting. I am looking for a new poodle puppy; can't live without it, I feel; it's a long journey and I thought I had found the one, then found out he wasn't available after all. I just broke down and started sobbing. I sat there later and thought "I am really losing it; what is wrong with me?" Upon reflection, I realized that just the act of looking for another poodle was a trigger in that John and I got the other two together and deep down I am devastated that he is not here to share this journey with me....so it's jerking on the grief train so to speak. I really feel for you....I also am dreading the holidays again; can't stand BD's now...everything is still a challenge to get through. I remember in the beginning when I believed that would change and this horrible sorrow would pass.......it's still here......

Shirley: You have explained it so well--kicked in the stomach feeling, nausea; watching the clock. I have all of those symptoms....get very tired of it, but just have to fasten your seatbelt, I guess. There is nothing else in life like this; no wonder you can't be prepared. It hurts. I am perpetually in and out of it. I schedule all these things, none of which I am excited about doing, but make myself because what is the alternative, and sometimes, just sometimes I get surprised by having a respite; I can actually have fun for a while. I wish that for you and everyone else here because I'm starting to understand that this state of affairs is probably very long-term and those respites are what keep you going. Cookie

Thanks all of you for your concerns; really touched me. Looking for new poodle puppy....will share when it happens. Hugs to all, Cookie

Thanks Marg: I know what you mean by "the quiet was too loud." Probably won't stay here....waiting for my daughter to finish grad school and get her feet under her. She had come home from NYC where she had been living for 13 years to be with her dad before he died. She decided to stay and start grad school, albeit, a couple years later. Will be hard to leave, though. I am originally from LA and it took me a while to get used to this country life but now it's home....been here for 45 years, more time than I spent in the city. Just can't think about what will come....keep putting it off--too painful still.

Marg: Kept everything! It missed us almost completely. Spent hours digging trenches on my gravel road and thankfully they weren't necessary. Yes, this is paradise, really.....I live on a hill with a beautiful view of the mountains.....a place John (mainly) and I built. Think I have to leave it at some point because of upkeep, but boy is that going to be a hard one! Hope you were all spared the effects of the hurricane.....hugs, Cookie

At 3 years out, I can so relate to that "trapped" feeling. It's a type of anxiety, not like anything other kind. It is that realization that you are really alone like never before because that person who was a part of you is so gone. I still feel it. I have found out that the good old "keeping busy" prescription has kept me going.....I hate to admit it because I was always a loner type, happy loner because I also had a wonderful man in my life, but here I am putting myself out there now and not always a comfortable place for me to be, but it does keep my mind busy. What a journey this is......Cookie

I live in Cullowhee.......so strange to see this on here. This was on the college campus but most places didn't get much of anything....we were really lucky because the forecast was for much worse. Coookie

So sorry Tom. I would also love to find a male friend, want companionship. I think when you've had a wonderful relationship it actually makes you want that again so bad because what you had before was so good. I do think it's possible if you get lucky....but it has to be the right person.....and, of course, I think what are the odds of that happening twice in a lifetime. It sounds like you are open to it and who knows what will happen in time.....it just wasn't really right this time. I hope it will happen for me, but also realize it could not, so I try to say at least I had this wonderful man in my life for so long and hope that can carry me through.....Cookie

Oh dear Gwen, my heart goes out to you. I wish I lived close and could help. You are such a smart, perceptive sounding person. I realize what you are going through would make anyone have a hard time. It is so much harder for me to cope when something physical emerges. The oxygen thing has got to be hard. I also can relate to the thought of "what am I doing here?" I have had that same thought a million times; don't have an answer yet...I just know that I'm here. I enjoy your posts. There is always something in them I can relate to....Just know you make a difference just by being on here. You are genuine and that is worth a lot to someone like me. Please take care, Cookie

Yes!

Shebert56: You're right, it is a second at a time sometimes....my heart goes out to you....Cookie

It really is helpful to come on here and read the posts, even though they are quite often filled with pain.....it really comforts me to know I am not alone in this universe feeling like this. Everyone is so real on here. Who ever thought reading about pain would be a comfort? Anyway, I appreciate all of you, feel for all of you; imagine a big get-together with all of us...probably a lot of laughing and crying.....Cookie

Mitch: So sorry for you and all of us. It's been 3 years for me also and I still feel that "gut-wrenching" pain off and on. There are things that trigger it. I also can't help sometimes asking the universe why....with no answer of course. I thought surely I would die in the beginning from a heart attack or stroke....but I am also still here, not always happy about it. I have felt moments of joy but it's always laden later with sorrow because John is so gone. I don't want to believe he's just gone and dally with the thoughts about him maybe being out there somewhere waiting for me. Hugs to you....Cookie

TomPB: I think that's really nice. I don't think it's freaky....who knows? I'm totally open to talking to a psychic, just haven't found one yet. That is a really comforting message....Cookie

Darrel: Thinking of you and, yes, it hurts so much; I call it a rare torture....take care, Cookie

Gwen: If I find happiness, I'll write a book about it ok? Don't feel I have that long on this earth, so it better happen soon.....I thought the other day I would gladly give my life for just 5 minutes with the actual real John again--hold him, feel him, smell him, bask in those twinkly blue eyes and quick smile. I want to see him again so bad; it's like a rare torture. You're right, I can never seem to find the right words to describe what I feel. I thought when you said "nothing hurts more than my heart, which is healthy," that was a perfect description..... Marg: I also thought John was better looking at his age when he was sick than when he was young...what I realized later was that I was seeing his soul through his eyes and not the physical sickness of his body so much.....

Yes, kayc: Same with me. John built this house and would always know what to do of course. That was so nice, and yes, I was spoiled, I guess. I feel that way now. We always partnered; I would help him, but he was the knowledgeable one. Roof is a good choice. Will keep the moisture out of your house. I have a metal roof and the screws started working themselves out, something I never expected. Had to go through several repair people before I picked one who ended up being very reasonable and knowledgeable, but, boy, did that take a toll emotionally. Everything is like that. Oh well, you're right, it's just one day at a time still. I have a part of my deck rotting and have to go through this all over again....getting a little hardened about it all, though I must say....is that good or bad (?). Good luck to you on your place. I am going to get another puppy...looking around. Still missing Olive so much but she and Ranger were so wonderful it just makes me want another....Cookie

Katie: It is hard....feeling so much for you....lots of hugs coming your way...you are not alone.....Cookie

I will have those moments where I realize I'm getting "old" (will be 69 in December) and scared about the loneliness of doing that alone. Always thought we would get old together. It's funny how you are in denial about realities when you have your person with you. One of us would have gone before the other sooner or later; just wish it had been me. He really would have coped so much better, I know. I guess I'm touchy about having heard "it would get easier" in the beginning because although it has changed, it doesn't necessarily feel like an improvement at times. I still also get so lonely I want to die, terrified, full of panic and overwhelmed with having to deal with things by myself that I know nothing about....so, it's a toss-up to me. I thought getting easier meant actually finding happiness. I'm still in the robotic place so I can cope stage, have some happiness at times, but mostly very lonely, missing John, feeling very strongly all the time like something big is missing (which it is) and I get tired of it. Most days I just tell myself that I have to keep going and get through another day. Oh well......maybe some day, huh? Hugs to all....Cookie

Kayc: It's so hard to articulate what you mean sometimes by writing. I don't think striving for positivity or hope or trying to look forward is garbage or bunk......It is something I try to do and want but not something I want said to me in the form of advice or how to get on or fix myself when I'm in pain. Do you know what I mean? I have been hurt by that advice time and again since John died (as well meaning as it probably was maybe) because it shuts you up when you might need to spew hurt and sorrow, can make you feel guilty. It's funny....if a person will/can allow you space to feel and be sorrowful, rage against the universe, and speak your fears about life and love, magically sometimes it allows you to make some small moves towards feeling hopeful and "positive." John was really great at being able to do that and I miss it terribly. I could be very negative and down and he was able to listen and just accept me where I was...he would hug me and say, "it's going to be okay." Wow, how powerful and positive that was. I guess since we're all on here talking, that is what you might call positive and looking for hope. I know it is for me....fondly, Cookie

TomPB: I also relate to what you feel as well as Dee. You're not negative, just hurting....I also have many of those times still too.....it doesn't seem to hurt less as much as I keep hoping it will. Take care, Cookie