MartyT

Dear Gary, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your father when you were only 10 years old, and I'm sorry, too, to think that you are carrying such a heavy load of guilt on your young shoulders. I won't try to talk you out of such guilt, because I know that such a feeling can be quite irrational and unjustified, but it's still there, and sometimes we simply cannot help what we feel. Please do keep in mind, however, that just because you FEEL guilty, it does not mean that you ARE guilty of the crime you're accusing yourself of. Clearly you were just a boy when you made this remark to your dad ~ and I doubt if there is a person among us who hasn't said something nasty to one of our parents when we were kids. Your cousin is right: surely your dad knew you loved him, and like any parent he would be willing to forgive you. What is harder is for you to find some way to forgive yourself. You might consider writing your dad a letter of apology ~ as a way of expressing all you need to say to him. Then you could take the letter to a very private place (maybe outdoors, to a special place that reminds you of your dad, or that you used to go to together). Set a match to the letter, let it burn to ashes, and let your guilt go up in smoke along with the letter. Or you might try doing something for someone in need, both in honor of your dad and as a way to make amends. I want to point you to two earlier posts in the Loss of a Parent forum that discuss dealing with the death of a parent at an early age. Although in these two cases the parent who died was a mother rather than a father, I think the content of the messages may be of particular interest to you: Can't Sleep, posted on Feb. 14, 2006 Gone and Forgotten, posted on May 9, 2005 Wishing you peace and healing, MartyT

Maylissa, dear ~ I know there is nothing I can say to ease your broken heart, but I will say it anyway. I’m so very sorry to learn of your loss of Maggie, who truly has been such an angel of mercy for you these last few months. I hope it brings you some small comfort to know that you were for Maggie her angel of mercy, too. The joy she brought to you was returned tenfold, because you showered her with just as much love as she gave back to you. You have so much love to give to these precious feline creatures, Maylissa. I know that if my soul should ever come back to this world incarnated as a cat, of all the people on this earth, I would want to belong to you. Please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you at this sad and difficult time.

Good for YOU, Shelley! We're very proud of you!

Annie, thank you so much for posting this important message! Finding a good therapist or counselor is no different from finding any other provider of health services ~ you are the consumer here, and you have every right to expect a good "fit" between you and the person with whom you are entrusting your health care ~ whether that care is physical or emotional. It's important for all our bereaved members to know that, if after two or three sessions you don't sense that your therapist or counselor has a good understanding of your grief process or doesn't seem like the person who can help you, you should feel free to try a different one. Regarding PTSD, make sure you pay a visit to the Gift from Within Web site; it contains a wealth of useful information on the subject, and features some of the country's leading experts in the successful treatment of PTSD. (Once on the main page, hover your mouse over the topics listed at the top of the page to see the detailed drop-down lists: Articles, Tapes & DVDs, Trauma Support, etc.)

Dear Ones, Unfortunately, we just don't have a Spell-Check feature on this site, but if that is important to you, here's what you might try. Use your computer's word processing program to compose whatever text you want to post here, run your spell-check program, then cut and paste the final draft onto your "clipboard" so you can place it in the white box that appears when you click the "Reply" button on our site. That's the only way I can think of ~ Does anyone else have any suggestions? Perhaps it also needs to be said that no one on our site is a stickler for proper spelling and grammar ~ and we're all pretty good at deciphering each other's words, even if they're not spelled correctly ~ are we not?

Elizabeth, dear ~ We can always spare happy thoughts and prayers, and we are sending all of those in dear little Roarie's direction.

Dear Gamer, It’s so nice to hear from you, and I’m so pleased to know that our site means so much to you. You know, your post gives us the opportunity to acknowledge“friendgrief,” which is Harold Ivan Smith’s word for what he describes as “a significantly disenfranchised grief.” This noted expert on grief observes that the death of a friend is often considered to be a less significant experience than that of a family member. As a result, friends may feel pushed aside and left alone in their grief, as if they don’t have a legitimate right to mourn. Unlike the relationships we have with family members, friendships are voluntary. We don’t get to choose our relatives, but we can decide who we want as friends. As you say, Gamer, this person you’ve lost was like your brother; you did everything together; you shared a common interest and had great fun playing video games together. You sought each other’s company, spent as much time together as you could, were loyal to each other, and trusted each other completely with your innermost thoughts and feelings. It’s no wonder that you miss him so much ~ and for sure you don’t ever want to forget your friend. I wonder if you can think of some way you could memorialize your friend. Take a look at some of the examples listed in Remembering Our Loved Ones on Valentine’s Day, or think of some other ways you could remember him in a special way. How do you think he would want to be remembered? Maybe you can pretend that we’re sitting across from you right now ~ can you tell us a story about your friend?

This announcement comes to us from National Students of AMF: National Students of AMF is putting on the first-ever National College Student Grief Awareness Week April 7-13, 2008. The goal is to share our message – that grieving students are not alone, and that they can find support and understanding in peers through the programs that National Students of Ailing Mothers and Fathers and our campus chapters provide– with as many students across the nation as possible. We are looking for volunteers (any age, in any location) to be an “Awareness Week Leader.” “Awareness Week Leaders” will represent Students of AMF in their communities and amongst their peers by sending out a few e-mails, passing out flyers and spreading information about this cause by word of mouth. This role requires little time or effort on your part, as we have developed a Leadership packet containing an agenda and instructions, and of course, we are here to help. Most importantly, your role is not to take this week on yourself but to recruit as many friends as possible to help us spread the word! Please email Stephanie@studentsofamf.org if you are interested in helping to spread awareness about the organization during National College Student Grief Awareness Week.

I think that our friends here at this site are, at times, sending us messages from our loved ones. Cindi, dear ~ I just have to share with you that this statement of yours brought tears to my eyes and touched my soul. I cannot think of a lovelier way to describe what happens in this very special place, and it warms my heart to know that you think of it this way . . . Thank you so very much for sharing such a beautiful thought with all of us today

Dear Jo ~ Tomorrow is your special day. We wish you sunshine when you wake, and roses on your birthday cake!

Rosemary, if you haven't seen it already, you might want to read this thread: Group Therapy

Oh Kay, I wish you could've taken a picture of yourself to post here for all of us to see, so you could've received some recognition for your efforts. But even without your "makeover," we still think you're a knockout! And hooray for you for your willingness to be putting yourself first for a change ~ that is very healthy behavior for one as selfless and as giving as you are.

Karen, dear ~ Please get yourself into bed, and as you settle in, know how very much you are loved. May you sleep well tonight, and may you find roses on your pillow.

Oh dear Karen, I'm so sorry! Of course you and Dan are in our prayers. Please do keep us posted, and know that we are pulling for both of you.

All right, you two need to stop now. I am running out of Kleenex. And people wonder if animals have the gift of memory??!! Is it any wonder why we love them so much? Thanks to both of you for warming all our hearts today

I think the problem might be with the browser you're using, Maylissa. I couldn't bring up the video with Firefox, but when I tried Explorer instead, I got it right away. Thanks, Elizabeth ~ the video is amazing, isn't it?!

Beautiful, dear Walt ~ and thank you for being a best friend to all of us.

Corinne, dear ~ you've given us all a very special gift this day ~ the gift of remembrance. Thank you so much for sharing your precious memories, and Happy Anniversary to you and your beloved Jimmy

AMF: Grief Support Group Helping College Students Universities and colleges across the country are starting local chapters of the National Students of AMF (Ailing Mothers and Fathers) Support Network, http://www.studentsofamf.org. The organization's mission is "to support all college students with an ailing or deceased loved one, empower all college students to fight back against terminal illness, and raise awareness about the needs of grieving college students . . . by developing chapters of Students of AMF on college campuses nationwide, providing information and support through our website, awarding leadership scholarships, distributing research grants, conducting conferences on college student bereavement, and holding fundraising events . . ." Watch a two-minute film clip featuring the program on You Tube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSEs34DyCUw.

Wendy, dear, you have our deepest sympathy . . .

Shubom, dear ~ I just want to add my voice to the others who are encouraging you and giving you permission to take care of you right now. It's okay to admit (to yourself and to others, if necessary) that you are in grief overload right now, and you alone are the one to decide how big a dose of it you can tolerate, given all the loss you've experienced already. I'm also pleased to learn that you intend to participate in another grief support group next month, which in itself is evidence of good self-care. No one knows yourself better than you do, my dear, and your first responsibility is to take good care of yourself.

Rosanne, you said, "I pray at night to dream about her and I don't, and really do not understand why . . ." You and others may find these threads helpful: Will I See Her Again? Strange Dreams about Death Mystical Experiences In addition, there are those who believe that praying for a dream about your loved one can be quite helpful. In the wonderful book, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Experiences of the Bereaved, author Louis LaGrand writes: Seeking an Extraordinary Encounter I tell every client who comes to me that there is nothing wrong with asking or praying for a sign that your loved one is okay. You will receive a sign when you need it most. Be patient. Persist. Be specific. Keep petitioning. Stay alert and increase your awareness of the coincidences, feelings, unusual happenings, intuitions, and good things that occur during your day. Give thanks when what you have prayed for arrives. Persistent prayer cannot be denied. In particular, ask your Higher Power to allow you to have a visitation dream. Many spiritual counselors believe that dreams are the easiest way for spirits to communicate with survivors. You might also combine your prayers with meditation. If prayer is talking to the Intelligence, meditation is listening to that Intelligence. Meditation – opening your mind and heart to the messages of the universe around you – will put you in an ideal state of consciousness to receive an Extraordinary Encounter . . . if something happens to you during your prayer or meditation session, and you are not sure how to assess it, ask yourself four questions: •Is this the kind of thing my loved one would do? •What is my intuitive feeling about the event? (Notice what comes into your awareness – what thoughts, physical feelings, emotions.) •Has this event brought the feelings that love has been given and received? •Most important of all, did the experience bring peace? If the answer to the last question is yes, you should feel confident that you’re being led by a power greater than yourself, regardless of what name you attach to it. I firmly believe that peace and a sense of belonging or connectedness go hand-in-hand, and that the road to true healing lies in following that peace. [source: Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Experiences of the Bereaved, by Louis LaGrand, Ph.D., © 2006, pp. 119-121. See also Dr. LaGrand's Web site, Extraordinary Grief Experiences.]

Dear Niece, I think your post serves to remind us of the value of the funeral – not for the deceased, but as a source of comfort to the relatives and friends of the loved one who has died. The visitation and funeral can be an important first step in the mourner’s journey through grief, as it offers the first opportunity to mourn the loss of a special person in the presence of others who also are in mourning. In addition, visiting the funeral home, seeing the body, and attending and participating in the funeral service all help to confirm and reinforce the reality of the death. Since you weren’t able to do any of this, it may serve to explain why you're having some difficulty moving forward in your grief -- but it doesn't mean that you have to stay "stuck" there. As an alternative to the visitation and funeral that you missed, you might consider creating your own personal ritual of remembrance, as a way to honor your uncle and lend expression to your grief. Personal Grief Rituals can be any loving activities that help you remember your uncle, and give you a sense of connectedness, healing and peace. Creating and practicing personal grief rituals can also help you release painful situations and unpleasant memories, freeing you to make your memories a positive influence in your life. You might try writing an article, an anecdote, a story, a poem, a song, a letter, an obituary or a eulogy for your uncle. Several such examples appear on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site: In Loving Memory of My Mother A Tribute to My Father A Tribute to My Sister A Tribute to My Friend You could buy a very special candle, decorate it and light it in honor of your uncle, or memorialize him in cyberspace by lighting a virtual candle at Light a Candle Online. Find a book on coping with the loss of a loved one, and donate it to your local library or school. Ask the librarian to place a label inside the front cover inscribed “In memory of [your uncle’s name].” Plant a tree, bush, shrub, garden or flower bed as a permanent growing memorial to your uncle, and mark the site with a memorial plaque, marker, bench or statue. Write a special note, letter, poem, wish or prayer to your uncle, go outside, attach the paper to a balloon and let it go – or place it in a vessel and burn it, and watch the smoke rise heavenward. Ask relatives, friends, co-workers and neighbors to gather their contributions, and put together a scrapbook or box of memories containing mementoes, letters and photographs of your uncle. Visit the Memorials ~ Funerals ~ Rituals page of my Grief Healing Web site for dozens of other ideas.

Love Never Dies (LND4U) Retreat Information Update, received from Sandy Goodman: The "Can we Do it?" February 14th deadline has come and gone and I am so sorry to have to tell you that our retreat, planned for Sept. 12-14th of this year, is officially canceled. We simply do not have the numbers that we need to make it a go this fall. I am sooooo sorry we have not been able to make it work. LND4U has a very small purse that is very, very empty. In other words, we have no money. Hence the need to have a minimum number of participants at any kind of event we plan. Obviously, our financial situation is something we need to add to our brainstorming list when our board meets next month, as well as how to apply for a federal tax exemption (a daunting task) and how to reach more people with our chat and our forum . . . and . . . well, please feel free to send any thoughts or ideas our way. WE ARE YOUR ORGANIZATION. Again, I am very, very sorry. I am encouraged that we will continue to grow as an online organization, using our chat room and our forum to meet and support one another, FOR NOW. As our numbers grow and our relationships strengthen, we WILL make a retreat/conference a reality. == Expect Miracles, Sandy

By all means, yes, Leeann, please do let us know how this continues to go for you. You're very detailed in how you describe your processing of all of this, and I think your discoveries and insights are quite helpful. I'm very grateful for your honesty and your willingness to share your experiences with the rest of us.