kayc

Dwayne, A week from tomorrow you start school. I am impressed by your determination and I know it will see you through. I would be afraid to go back to school at my age after so many years when there's all of these young people that are so bright and raised on technology...but you seem fearless and I'm sure you'll run circles around them! I know you won't have much time after you start your classes, but I hope you can drop in now and then and keep us updated. We'll be rooting for you all the way! Kay

Melina, I don't see how you can NOT feel that way...I did too at first, and we weren't even married that long, but long enough for it to be a part of my every day existence and he was completely my world...I hadn't expected his death so no time for any adjusting ahead of time. Sometimes the phone would ring and I'd expect his voice to be on the other end, or I'd hear a noise and look up expecting to see him coming through the door. And even if I consciously told myself he was gone, it seemed surreal. I think your dream sounds like you're realizing that even he can't help you, that he's not coming back and it's beyond his control, that's why he didn't say anything, because he couldn't change it. Sometimes you hear us say it'll get better...it does in the sense that I don't go around crying any more, and I'm not in shock any longer and I realize it's just me here in charge of everything and I've pretty much gotten used to the fact I'm alone and it's not changing...but there's a part that never seems to change and I don't think it's improved with time, and that is the missing him...missing his holding me, missing talking over our day, missing the protective way he always tried to take care of me and truly cared about me, missing his zest for life and tremendous spark. That just never leaves, even my kids feel it, they wanted him around when they had kids, they knew he'd be a wonderful grandpa. That says a lot for a stepdad that enters their lives when they're aged 17 and 19! Most kids that age do not grow attached to their stepdads, but it just goes to show how wonderful he was with all of us. I think I miss his holding me the most...that's when I felt that all was right with the world, that's when I felt complete.

I'm sorry about your shoulder pain, Dwayne's right, the cold brings it back with a vengeance. My elbow didn't hurt for at least a month and now with the snow I can feel the pain in the same place I broke it...arthritis already! At least it's just once in a while, not constant. I'm continuing my gin and raisins, that's for sure!

chloie, I am sorry to hear about your dog. My son's dog has a lot of digestive problems (he's a purebread Husky) and can't have gluten among many other things. A child gave him one chocolate chip cookie last week and the dog was in so much distress afterwards and it took a few days for his system to calm down, meanwhile it always worries us as we never know what the outcome will be when something like this happens. My heart goes out to you in your loss, I am just so truly sorry. Kay

You've got it. And the Aspergers...Jim had that too, and there is so much information out there to help people understand how it affects someone and there are treatments available if one gets it. It's good that he was diagnosed so young when his parents can help him get treatment...many adults choose to be in denial instead of accepting it and getting treatment for it and that just makes their lives more difficult. My thoughts are with this couple and I pray he gets his heart transplant soon.

Dwayne, I'm so glad to hear your news and know that very soon you will be hitting the books and on your way to fulfilling your mission. In a way I envy you because you have a purpose...I'm not sure I do anymore.

blw, I can relate to what you've said...my mom is almost 90 and has dementia and mental illnesses and refuses to cooperate or let us help her, in the end we'll probably have to go to court to force her to get a complete evaluation, which is tough because none of us has any money and all of us are going through hard places...it's hard to muster the energy when you can't even seem to help yourself. I think you've reached the state where the shock wears off and reality hits and...it's tough. If it weren't for this place I might have gone nuts. When we're under so much stress it's really hard to think straight. I remember when my kids' dad and I were going through a divorce after 23 years of marriage, I had three accidents and a ticket within two months...why? Basically because my head was in a fog and I couldn't think straight...stress! Grief can put you there too. It will lift eventually, it clears somewhat, maybe not like it was "before" but better nonetheless. One thing I like about coming here is knowing I am not alone, I am not crazy, there are others going through the same things, and these are the effects of grief and loss.

Mary, I too can relate. As I've been out of work for nearly six months and time progresses without me landing a job that would enable me to keep my home, the day draws nearer when I realize I will eventually lose my home and the biggest concern I seem to have is what do I do with all of this stuff and will there be anyone to help me with any of it? For it is too much for me. There is a double garage with an attic above it that I have never been in (there is no stairs and I'm not up to going up there with a ladder...you can't stand up in it either) and things perched in the rafters...how do I get them down and what is up there? There is a house full of 34 years of family living. It's almost as if I want to pack up what I know I will use and hold a garage sale with the rest...anything left can go to Goodwill or the dump. But physically I can't do all of this by myself...I cannot take my bed apart, and it won't move without dismantlement. Is it ridiculous to worry about all of this? Probably. But at 4:00 am, that's what's on my mind. I can relate to your not caring what the step looks like and wanting someone else to just make a decision about it for once...we get tired of having to make all of the decisions about things that are, in the relative scheme of things, unimportant. I want someone else to order my life and act upon it...but that's not happening. I'm in charge of it all. That's part of the realization you get when you've lost your spouse... you who USED to be "in it together" now aren't...there's just you. And it's all on you, and you feel it. I too don't want to deal with tax planning or anything else. It's enough to shovel snow and stack wood and be the only one in charge of this place and all it entails. I try to consider what I need to do in the upcoming week and not look too far beyond that because it can seem overwhelming otherwise. As I cross laundry, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning bathrooms, cleaning kitchen, getting groceries, paying bills, getting wood in, making birthday cards, shoveling the snow, and fixing dinner off of my list, there is a feeling of satisfaction when everything is finally crossed of...only to have to make a new list as it now has to be done all over again. And so time continues ticking by, week by week, we age, but we don't notice the time going...are we getting any closer to joining our loved one? In between there are little things to look forward to, some of you have grandchildren you can enjoy seeing, or kids to get together with, there are activities we enjoy like music or crafts, volunteering, or spending time with a friend. Those are the things that seem to keep us going.

My father's legacy to me was a sense of humor. We, as a family, have suffered much heartache and tragedies. When I was 15 my sisters had a severe car accident that left one of them a quadriplegic with extremely damaged vocal chords and her three year old son dead. My parents adopted her 4 month old baby eventually. As we took care of Donna and helped her with her speech therapy and physical therapy, she didn't want to live, she'd scream, beg us to end her life. It was hard. Today it is 44 years later and she has learned to be content (it took a few years) and still has her keen mind and her wonderful sense of humor. She has developed paranoia since the accident, which is hard, but has taken it in stride. She has delusions of moving to TX to be with her son (the one who's dead) and we allow her this dream...what can it hurt? My father had a major heart attack, altering his life, so that he could no longer hunt and tromp around in the woods like he loved to do. He had no choice but to accept his altered life, but until the day he died, he was still joking about things. I love him for that. My younger sister had a baby born without a brain...it had just enough to keep it alive for almost two years, the part that controls reflexes like breathing, but not the part that has cognitive ability, no forming thoughts or thinking. She knew pain vs. comfort but that's about it. She didn't know her parents were her parents, she didn't understand anything about the world around her, but she was sweet in spirit. Some might think it sick, but my sister got her a Wizard of Oz T-shirt that read "If I only had a brain". I understood. It was my family's way of coping...with humor, the same way we had always gotten through life. Sure, some might think it sick, but when you're in that situation it doesn't really matter what others think, what matters is getting through the day the best you can, and my family had learned to do it with humor. I've heard it said, "Laugh, or go crazy". I've found there's something to that. Some things it's pretty hard to find any humor in, but with time, perhaps you can find something about it...although initially you might not be able to. Look at comedy...what they poke fun at in life. I was listening to a late show a couple of nights ago and I'll be darned if they didn't poke fun at the president's getting shot at...I wish I could remember what they said, but it was actually funny...they poked fun at a situation that you wouldn't think anyone could find humor in and I'll be danged if they didn't pull it off and do it well, amazing! That's what comedians do...they poke fun at life and it seems nothing is sacred to them, but they manage to keep us going. They laugh at our absurd situations, at calamity, at our dysfunctional families, and yes, even sometimes at death itself. They poke fun at our fears and our love, and having kids, and everything else in life! And yes, sometimes it's that very humor that helps us take life with a grain of salt. It's humor that lightens the weight of the load and keeps things in a more balanced perspective. It's humor that lessens the intensity of situations and makes it more bearable.

Mik, I encourage you to continue to come here and pour out your feelings, I will listen and care. I am sorry you are losing your partner. It is not the paper that makes a relationship, it is just the paper that says you can visit in the hospital, inherit, file taxes with, etc. The other person doesn't have the paper either and unless you're in a common-law state, it won't likely help her either to have been living with him. All will go to and be up to the family...you can consult legal advice in your state for specifics. Being in a relationship with him, I'm sure he'd want to hear from you. Right now everything needs to be put aside for thought of his comfort and care and hopefully his other partner will recognize that, esp. since she was okay with everything beforehand. I wish you the best in dealing with this very difficult situation. A lot of people say unthinking things when someone loses someone they loved, married or not, just because they haven't been there and don't understand. It's helped me to recognize that they mean well in the stupid things they say and let go of it, but I've also learned to stand up and voice myself in a strong but gracious way. I hope you can get some time with him and help take care of him soon. Keep us posted how you're doing... Kay

I'm so sorry you lost your constant companion and best friend...he's adorable, and I'm glad you had him as long as you did. He was lucky to be in a home where he was so cared about! I too lost my husband, 6 1/2 years ago, and after my dog passed away four years ago, I got a new one 3 1/2 years ago and he is the joy that keeps me going, my best friend and everything to me, so I understand how you feel about your beloved dog. I'm sorry, I hope the good memories will continue to bring a smile to you even though the ache is inside of your heart.

Again, you guys are so wonderful, you responses to Deborah and to all of us here, it's what keeps us going. Deborah, I feel a closeness with you, I understand how you're feeling and totally agree. Me, I tried to rebuild my life, it didn't work, and I am still where I was. I don't know what to do except I've accepted that things have changed and this is what I have now..."acceptance" does not equate with "like" or "agree with". My life will never be like it was, I know that. If I get grandchildren and get to retire someday, maybe that is something to look forward to but I don't know "retire to what" because I won't have any money and I'll still be alone, but at least I won't have to set my alarm and continue this wretched ratrace. I will be missing my home that George and I loved together because I won't be able to afford it. Lucky are the ones that get to live into their 80s and 90s together! But the loss for them has to be tremendous, so I guess there's just no getting around it. Today I'm having lunch with a friend and trying to clean house and get wood in before I go because it's supposed to snow tonight. I plan my days no more than a week or so at a time and just try to keep going. Call any time, my friend, I'm home most days except Sunday at church and Monday at my job. Kay

Queeniemary, It sounds like you had a good and productive visit with your friend. I wish I had someone to help me clean out my place, it weighs on me, 34 years of family living and stuff and some of it is too big for me to lift or reach (like what's in the attic above the garage, you need a ladder to get to it), and it's overwhelming. I'm also probably borderline hoarder, not like on t.v., but definitely am not a "throw awayer"! I guess it comes from having depression era parents that felt something could always be used for something and we shouldn't waste. It's hard to tackle projects like that without help. I did get rid of my treadmill though, that's a start! I also went through the stunning shock of losing my husband totally out of the blue, unexpected, and I think that's what really hit my brain, there was no time to get used to it, just shock! I really notice it with my brain, it just doesn't work like it used to. I want more than anything to retire but can't afford to. Things have changed in the job force so much, expectation is so tremendous and appreciation is zero.

Ken, yeah, it happens, and yes it's extremely insensitive, esp. so soon! I remember being invited to an old friend's place (I'd known him for 30 years) a few months after George died and he hit on me and I left there in tears and had an accident with a deer less than a mile down the road. I guess all I can say is he just viewed me as "available" now and since he'd never experienced loss (he'd never married) he had no clue what it was like. I would just tell these vamping women to back off, your wife JUST DIED! Tell them if you're ever interested YOU will let THEM know.

OH YEAH! We've experienced that! It's such a jolt to the brain when you experience a loss of this magnitude, and although it settles down some eventually, I don't think the brain is every entirely the same...at least for me it isn't. I'm 59 and it's been 6 1/2 years since George died and my focus is not what it once was, although it has improved some. It's still difficult for me to read and I was an avid reader before. I doubt it's old age...you're still relatively young!

Dave, I see it was six months ago you joined here, although I'm not sure of how long it's been since the actual loss, but six months, I've been told, is one of the hardest times because it's then that the shock wears off and reality sets in...it is like you say, seeming to get harder because the numbness is going. It does get better eventually, but it can take some time. For me, it seemed to be somewhat better in the third year because the memories of George, instead of causing me pain and tears, seemed to evoke happier smiles as I remembered him, and comfort at the thought of his love and the realization that I carry him around inside of me. That took time. I don't know if others have experienced that feeling or not.

Dwayne, it was good to hear from you...please keep us posted as to the final outcome when it is official! We're rooting for you!

Cris, I'm sorry to here about the loss of your grandbaby. I too have waited a long time to be a grandmother and still do not have any grandchildren and can understand your immense grief, not only for your grandbaby, but for what your daughter and her husband must be suffering. I lost three myself before I finally had my daughter and know how hard it is...all of the hopes and dreams going up in smoke. I pray she conceives again and it makes it all the way.

I love this place! I missed being on here because yesterday I was traveling to Portland to pick up my new-to-me 1989 Nissan 4WD pickup that I need to get through the winter snow. We arrived to discover it was not in running condition as stated (auctions are no refund even if they misrepresented it) and after my son checked things out to see what's wrong with it, we ended up having to call a tow truck to haul it back to his place in Corvallis...it cost me another $200 after the insurance paid their part of the tow. I was gone 13 1/2 hours and exhausted by the end of the day! My son will use his meters and tools as time permits to figure out what the problems are, we suspect the fuel injection system or sensor, and also suspect the master cylinder is going out. Ahh well, it'll be nice when it is running... blw, are those a call sign? A friend of mine is a ham radio operator and he has letters and numbers to his sign...just wondered if one was your husband's and one was yours. Welcome to this site, it is a good place to come to where you can be understood and cared about. This is a very supportive group! I'm sorry for the reason for your being here, losing your spouse is definitely among the top most difficult things one can survive. Mary, I am so happy for you getting your studio! What a great friend you have! She surely understands, having suffered two losses so close together. I hope this will be a place of comfort and inspiration to you. It is how I feel about my cardmaking room, where, incidentally, I DO have a wood stove burning and a large patio door I can look out of and see the elk and deer as they approach the apple trees. I love it here, but I know my days are numbered here as I cannot continue to keep this place if I can't find a job with enough $ to pay the mortgage. I have learned to enjoy what is for today though, regardless of what is around the corner for tomorrow. One of the lessons of having experienced grief with all of it's many adjustments and lessons. Becky, I love the carrot cake idea, I wish I was one of your neighbors!

Dwayne, I'm also on the Morning Worship Team at my church, I was in my previous one too, it's a lot of fun. That was one of the things I missed after George died...I used to look out over the congregation while I sang and see his smiling (beaming) face and supportiveness. I've gotten used to it now but the first few months were really tough. I'm glad you're keeping busy, it helps. I have to go to Portland and back today, it'll mean about eight hours on the road since I have to swing by Corvallis both ways. I'm picking up my new-to-me truck, I pray it really does run like they stated in the auction because I had to pay for it already.

Snap, I'm sorry about the loss of your father...sometimes birthdays and anniversaries bring it all back like it just happened, it's tough, they're definite triggers. I'm also sorry your XH stirred up more sense of loss...his contact seemed to set you back and it brought you all back to right when and where you were with him "before"...and all of the let downs that came with it. He is obviously not someone you can count on, for that I am truly sorry. Please don't let him degrade you by saying you haven't changed, etc., don't give him the time of day. You were right in wanting to meet him in a neutral place, your instincts that he can't be trusted are right. Not that he's a bad person, I don't know him, just that he doesn't want to come through for you...it's too bad he toyed with your emotions by leading you to believe, one more time, that he'd be there for you. It's amazing how their talk can get to us, but the end results are nada, I wish it weren't so. They say the best predictor of future behavior is the past...you divorced for some reason, so I wouldn't bank a whole lot by him. Maybe you can meet up with a girlfriend or sibling or someone on your dad's day...someone who'd be more understanding and giving of themself? I wish you the best in getting through it... Kay

Sharon, Thank you for sharing that poem, your response to Debbie was spot on! Kay

Mike and Lynn, I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved Millie. My husband passed away 6 1/2 years ago and one of the things that really bothered me is the hospital made me leave while they worked on him (he was having a heart attack) so I wasn't able to be there as he was ushered into the next world. One thing struck me about what you wrote and that is, it just occurred to me, that in both Millie's case and in my George's, at the time they died they were so busy with just getting through the moment, I doubt they were aware we were not there. At any rate, they knew how much we loved them and I don't think for one second they felt we abandoned them. I love how you told her she'd be chasing squirrels and rabbits...that is the one consolation I have with the loss of my husband, that things are somehow better for him, no more struggles or pain, and I will join him someday. Yes we can survive a lot in life, but it just takes our beloved pet to bring us to our knees. My Arlie, 1/2 Husky and 1/2 Golden Retriever, would definitely do that to me if he died...it's something I know I'll face someday, and really I wouldn't want him to outlive me because who would take care of him, I would not want him to have to go through life without me even if someone were to take him in, so even though I know I'll face this same loss with him someday, it's the price I pay for sharing his love today. I wish I could say something to ease your heart, I know how hard it is, I've lost many pets over my lifetime and I'm 59, but alas, I'm at a loss what to say...only that I care and I'm sorry.

Sadloser, I am confused because the post I responded to this morning seems gone and instead there is your goodbye message. I really hate to see you go. I know how hard this is, I have felt the things you are feeling so many times, but I haven't chucked it in yet, and I don't want you to either. I just want you to know there are people here that do understand and care how you are feeling. It's up to you whether you want help or not, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, it was only a suggestion...I'm sorry if I offended you, I didn't mean to. Please keep reading even if you don't want to post. I am truly sorry, Kay

Sadloser, This is the first time you've posted in response to someone else. You may not take that as progress, but I see it as such. You are right that no one can be helped unless they want the help, but I can't imagine anyone not wanting help. If the pain is so great as you say, why would you not reach out for help...go to a doctor, call a bereavement counselor, return those friends' phone calls, see your pastor. It is not God that is wishing you dead, it is you. While there were moments in the beginning that I wished I could join George, I did not act on that, but it sounds like you are literally killing yourself with inertia. I strongly encourage you to get some help, you need it to break through this.