kayc

bea, My husband used to call me during the week as he worked so far away, he'd stay there four days/week and come home for a three day weekend. Whenever he called, he'd say, "Hi Hon..." I can still hear him. I've tried to close off my heart to the pain because it's just too unbearable, but I still miss him and when I let myself think about it, the ache is still there. If I could have him back for just one moment, I'd gladly give the rest of my life...

Dave, I'm sorry your friend Mark is also going through this, it's something we all wish no one had to go through. I'm sure you'll be a real comfort to him in the days to follow. I had a friend go through it about three years after I did, and it does help that we've been there and know what helps and what doesn't, although the journey is unique to each of us. And bless Cheryl for her sweet donation of roses, I hope they do real well there.

Glad you're able to help Greg, Dwayne, I'm sure it means a lot to him.

Boy, you're asking the wrong person...I am the master at receiving rejection! Guess that's another reason I don't want to bother. Sure it'd be nice to have someone to spend time with, but there's no one out there like my George and I guess that's what I'd really want, so...I don't. Try not to take it personal cuz someone doesn't want you, we all have preferences and sometimes it takes a while to find the one with whom it's reciprocal. It's not a reflection of you, it's a reflection of their taste. After all, I'm sure you meet men you wouldn't consider. If you truly want someone, I hope you find what you're looking for. Just don't commit too soon, date LOTS of people before you settle into a committed relationship...I learned the hard way, now I have no inclination whatsoever to look for someone. Pay attention to red flags and proceed with lots of caution. You're right, going from safely married to suddenly single is a huge jump...and those who married young and for a long time may not be aware of some things they should...times have changed, now there's internet dating, it can be a new and scary thing. Ask some of your single friends for advice, get safety tips, etc. Make sure the other person exerts half the effort, not just you doing it all. Listen to your inner voice and pay attention to it. Be safe.

I liked that. On another note, Harry, you might consider dividing the plant and giving half to someone else for their window sill...that way you can keep it in the size pot you want and the other plants won't suffer, AND it'll brighten someone else's life!

Stacyines, I think it'd be great if you could use what you've been through to help or prevent others from choosing a self-destructive path. Sometimes our experiences make us feel we are without hope, but the truth is, death is the one permanent robber of hope. We have to, therefore, cling to life and the hope that eventually things will be better, and we have to continue to work towards that goal, even when the answer doesn't seem to be in plain sight...that is, after all, what proceeding on faith is.

Dave, Okay, we want to see pictures!!! We could use a good laugh. Thanks for sharing with us. And it's neat that you are still learning from Mike, even after he's gone, remembering the things he said and applying them. Let him continue to inspire you, and also your little niece and nephew. I'm not a smoker but I've heard how hard it is to quit, seems to be different for everyone. I have one sister that has to be on oxygen and the doctor wanted her to quit but instead she now limits herself to ten a day and with her oxygen machine now her lung capacity is at 96%, which is great considering she nearly died 15 months ago! My George was a smoker and he managed to cut his smoking 90% by going to filtered lights, only smoking 1/2 cigarette, throwing the rest away, and cutting back the number of cig. he smoked. I applauded his efforts. In the end he died anyway at barely 51 years old...perhaps if he'd stopped sooner, but who knows, maybe with his genetics it just would have happened. We can only do our best with the hand we're dealt.

I am so sorry for your double loss. I have lost many pets and it is so very hard. I can also say that it is harder to let go of some than others because every once in a while one enters our lives that is so special and we fit together so perfectly. I have lost thirteen cats and eight dogs over the years. There were some that were particularly difficult to lose...such as my dog Fluffy, he was just such a great all around family dog, we loved him so much and his years were cut short prematurely...I think that makes it harder. And my cat Chappy, his death was also quite premature and I'd been so close to him, that was really hard. But there was also my 19 year old cat George...having spent so long with him, I missed him terribly in the routine of my life. I wish I could ease your pain, for I know all too well what you must be suffering. I think I would let the kids know when they say something inappropriate that it is unacceptable. They may not understand your loss or know appropriate ways to respond but they are not too young to learn to respect someone else's grief. And for the relatives who would understand and relate, it's okay to call them and just cry...just their being there to listen and care could mean a lot. And we are here, if you want to voice yourself, we'll listen. I'm so sorry. You have an amazing capacity to give, to children, to your pets, you have a big heart, and I pray someone, be it a person or another pet, comes along to fill it again.

Miri, What you have experienced is, unfortunately, not unique...it is identical to what I and so many others have gone through. Our relationship was good, we could tell each other everything, we weren't fighting, we got along great, we had plans for our future, and he withdraws to take care of his dying mother and snaps and breaks up with me, wouldn't talk to me for months, but when he does, won't give me reasons other than he snapped and has indicated either through his words or his actions that we were not going to get back together. What I experienced emotionally as a result of being yanked around like this, no one should have to go through. Upon reconnecting, he confused me, even telling me one time he loved me (habit?), telling me he'd probably come see me sometime, then vehemently rejecting my invitation to him a few weeks later to come visit...I had to, after that, close off his power to hurt me and consciously make the decision, this is not happening again. He can talk to me all he wants, he's not getting into my heart again. I miss him, I still don't get what happened, I doubt I ever will, nor has he ever fully explained it to me. He has changed, pure and simple, he is not who he once was. How can grief do that to someone? Over a year has gone by and he remains this new person, somewhat of a stranger to me. Is he happier? I don't see and hear it that way. He is lacking in motivation and somewhat depressed, he's gained weight, he's alone except for his roommate. And yet, like in your case, he remains the same to his friends, why is that? Why do they change to us but not to their friends? Perhaps they truly feel they cannot have any expectation on them, they cannot give the least little amount, they are unfit for a relationship at this time and perhaps ever. I've lost my dad, I didn't do this. I lost my sweet husband, I didn't shut people out. I've lost a lot of people, grandparents, uncles, niece, nephew...still, I never responded this way. Yet obviously, some do. We have to let go of them because they are gone to us, gone in the way we knew them, and definitely, the relationship we had and experienced is gone. We can be friends after a time, but I use the term loosely, because they will be superficial usurpers of the people we once knew...they will not give, they will not care. The greatest thing we can do after such an experience is focus on ourselves. Whether or not we choose to enter a new relationship is something only we can decide, but if we do, we need to be acutely aware of red flags and proceed cautiously. For myself, I'm not interested...that is perhaps the worst thing Jim hurled at me, he has affected my ability to trust, to try again. I remain alone, I don't see anyone out there worth trying again, I see potential heartbreak and letdown and want no part of it.

Lilli, At this point I have accepted being alone the rest of my life because I just don't trust any of them out there. That's okay, we don't need someone to be valuable and I'm happy with my dog. I feel I was honored to have had someone in my life that loved me so much, so fortunate to have had a mutually reciprocal relationship that was so wonderful...I just don't think the odds of having that again are very high. But I wish the best for anyone wanting to go out and try again! The heartbreak does lessen and I am glad no one has the power to break my heart again.

Wow, these are some very deep thoughts. I agree with much of what all of you have written...I remember feeling a loss of control with George's being taken away from me and it really bothered me that no one had consulted with ME about what was greatly concerning MY life! I also remember in the earlier years having a hard time with the very word "acceptance" because I did not like or agree with what had happened...but eventually I came to realize that acceptance did not mean you liked it or wanted it to happen, it did not mean you agreed with it (and please, don't get me started on people who say "it must have been God's will"!)...acceptance is just realizing that this IS what IS now and that is that. You are no longer in denial, somewhere along the way you stopped expecting to hear their voice when you answered the phone, or see them walk through the door when you heard it open. You realize that no miracle is going to occur and bring them back. Life is not going to return to the way it was. Acceptance. And it does NOT equate with what you want or like or agree with. It just is what is. I might also add, and some of you may disagree with me and that's totally okay too, but I think we can be spiritual beings with or without organized religion or church. Some people who believe in God or afterlife do not attend church. I happen to be one who does, but I respect other people's choices. We don't have to agree with or like some minister's approach or delivery on the hell, fire, and brimstone message. I had a dear southern friend who used to say you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar, that's my personal belief too, you don't have to scare people into it. In fact, I remember reading somewhere in the Bible where it's said (paraphrase, my memory isn't as keen as it used to be) "even if I told you, you wouldn't believe me (so why tell you?)" You can preach hell, fire, and brimstone all you want to people and what good is all that scaring going to do, you think it's really going to land you a good solid convert? That's a rhetorical question that doesn't need answered, just my thoughts on the subject...much better, in my opinion, to speak of the benefits of Christianity and the helpful teachings of the man they called Master. On another note, the sign of a good leader is they have followers. I guess that's why I'm not a counselor, I find people don't want to take advice...if I was meant to be one, people would listen and heed me better.

Stacyines, I didn't know your intended, but I do know you are not responsible for his death. Regardless of what the events were or his thinking was, it was he that took his life, not you. This is probably the hardest thing you'll face in life, and you're doing it so young...I'm so sorry for all you are feeling and going through. Maybe it'll do you some good to get away for a while...are you going to be with relatives and people who care about you? I surely hope so. I remarried after George died...in looking back I think I must have been nuts. I probably was. Grieving can be that way. It was a disaster, he was just a con man that saw and preyed on me, none of that matters any more. But I feel bad, like I dishonored George by having done so, only 1 1/2 years after his death, when George was my life, my heart and soul. But it wasn't because George didn't mean anything to me...quite the opposite, I was literally out of my mind with grief, frantic, scared, trying in some stupid way to rebuild my life that I had lost, ha, that didn't work! In the end, it would be George who understood me most of all and would be the last person to judge me or cast a stone, that is just how our love was, how our relationship was, we always understood each other and each other's motivation. It was just three weeks before George died that he came to me and confessed that he'd been using Meth. Stupid. His heart was blocked, five arteries, it was amazing he'd been able to go to work every day, for he had a physically taxing job. No wonder he'd felt no energy. He was worried about losing his job, worried he wouldn't be able to keep up with the young whippersnappers. That's why he took the Meth. On his death bed he said, "now you know why I did what I did?" I said, "oh George, I always knew WHY you did what you did, I just didn't think it was the right answer." I felt no judgment, only compassion for this dear sweet man laying in that hospital bed...and that is the same compassion he would show me for my mistakes.

Yes, dear Dwayne, you have come such a long way. It's hard to believe it's been seven months...in a way, doesn't it feel like a lifetime? That first year for me was such a frantic blur...

Sometimes it is those random acts, no matter how small, that make life bearable.

I loved my husband with all of my heart, as he did me...I can't imagine how the original author must be feeling...

Dave, I have to commute 1 1/4 hours each way in good weather at my present job, about double that in the winter when the roads are really bad, but fortunately that isn't all the time. It takes a lot of patience! I don't get anything done during the work week at home, that's one reason I hate to end up with a lower paying job and have to work six days/week because then I won't have any down time. I'm sorry you have such a long commute, I'm surprised because medical jobs is what is plentiful here, just not much else.

Hi, this may be too late since it's been 12 hours now but I would try and keep it light, as friends, no relationship talk, put him at ease. Perhaps there will be a day when you can talk about things, perhaps not...Jim still won't and it's been 13 1/2 months, I've given up on ever getting answers and have just accepted this is how things are. Good luck, let us know how it goes!

Miri, I agree, they do seem reluctant to completely cut us loose from their lives. It's obvious they don't want things as they were before, but by the same token, seem to want us in their lives somewhat...maybe it didn't seem like that at first when they broke up with us (my ex didn't have any contact with me for over two months after he broke up with me) but there is some sort of a reaching out. I didn't have things at his house, and I took all of his things to him immediately, but he talks to me on a regular basis and his daughter told me he was constantly checking for me on line wherever he knew I might be even when we weren't in contact.

My dog is my life so I can relate to how much you must be missing your dog. Face it,they are more loveable than most humans. I am sorry you lost your boxer, I know it's tough, I've been there.

Dwayne, Evidently that fighting for everything when you were young paid off, for you still have to and that is an asset that has come in handy! BTW, thank you for your phone call, I'm glad I was able to reach you when I tried you back. It always lifts my spirits to talk with you, you are so uplifting and encouraging even when you have had such a uphill struggle! Kay

Dave, all I can say is, "WOW!" This is so amazing that she could know all of this without knowing you or being told, too many things to be coincidence. Somehow there must be a way for spirits to communicate for it's surely happened for you. And I am so glad your father will be okay, that must have been a relief for you to hear. Incidentally, I went to see my mom a couple of days ago. As many of you know, my mom was not a good mother, she has always been mentally ill and abusive and age hasn't helped any as she has paranoia and dementia, among other mental illnesses. She is so cute, she's very tiny and I swear she gets cuter every time I see her. The visit went fairly well considering and about as well as can ever be expected and so I'm thankful for that. With her I just have to keep giving her fresh starts and forgiving her daily and as hard as it is to live with, recognize that she is not well mentally and try not to hold it against her for the horrific things she's said and done to all of us kids all of our lives. One day she will be gone and I honestly don't know how I'll feel then. I'm just so thankful for my siblings, they're wonderful and I'm glad we have each other...no one else could begin to understand like we do with each other.

I know, Suzanne, it is impossible to understand. Somewhere along the way I accepted it, but I never agreed to it or liked it. I only know this is what is. My George just turned 51 five days before he died I don't get it either, I still needed him. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time...(((hugs))) Kay

Well I thank you all for your thoughts and prayers but I don't think this is the one. I don't have a good feeling about it at all...the person that interviewed me is an owner in a family run business. The family gets all of the good positions and they hire people to do the grunt work. It doesn't sound like a place that appreciates employees or treats them well, but more like uses them and is very demanding. They are also lower paying than I can take, I would be going in the hole several hundred dollars every month, which you can't afford to do for long. I think I'll just keep looking. I'll let you know if something else comes up. God knows just what I need and He is capable...

Thank you for opening up to us and sharing with us about what took your BF's life. You would think someone in the medical profession would know better, but it just goes to show that anyone can be prey to this. Avoid anything you haven't consulted a doctor about and even then, question your doctor, they don't always prescribe right either. Always check out medication on line before taking, don't assume your doctor has checked what all drugs you are taking and side effects. I had a doctor prescribe valium for me above my protests. I took it two days and it didn't help and when I researched it and learned just how addictive it is and how long it takes to break the addiction, I researched alternative drugs, went back to my doctor and told him what I wanted. It has worked great for me ever since. We have to assume some degree of responsibility for our own health. By the same token, don't take yourself off of something without consulting your doctor, particularly antidepressants. Normally they want to do so gradually and monitor it. You really can't accept the fallout for this, this was his decision.

I am so so sorry. I can't help but feel that if the accident had not happened, you two would still be together, happy and in love. But it did happen, and it changed the course of both of your lives...it is not his fault, it is not yours, it just is what it is, not unlike the death of my husband that shockingly forever changed my life into a "before...and after" from that moment. My sister had a car accident 43 years ago...it damaged her brain, left her baby son dead and her a quadriplegic. Her memory is clear, she is still as smart as she always was, but she was altered...not only physically, but she became paranoid. She hears voices, and she thinks computers are trying to take over her brain, and she thinks her baby son is now a man living in Texas and she saves up things to "take to Texas" with her when she goes. Of course, he's not alive and she'll never go there. We humor her, what else can we do? To stress that he is dead would hurt her and she would not believe us. She is now 68 years old...any measure of happiness we can allot her we view as a good thing. She has been on medication for the paranoia and it seemed to help her mental state, but it left her with physical ramification which combined with her quadriplegia, she found unacceptable...it took away the tiny bit of physical control she could muster, so she has opted to live with the paranoia so she can continue to lift her fork or her cup of coffee to her mouth or laboriously sign a greeting card to us for our birthdays. Although his paranoia is not exactly the same as hers, please realize it is paranoia all the same, brought about by this injury, and paranoia can display in many different forms. Your friend might be helped by medication. It, unfortunately, does come with side affects...only he can try it and decide which outweighs the other in measure of benefit. Unless you are privy to what his doctors say, you cannot know their prognosis or how all he is affected by his injuries. It is possible they might benefit from knowing what you have witnessed in deciding a course of treatment for him, but they will not be able to tell you anything because of privacy laws. You ask what can you do...the same as all of us who have lost someone we love...it takes time. It doesn't seem to matter what the reason is that separates us, whether death or injury of their grieving or change of heart...it takes time to heal the wounds of a broken heart and broken dreams. It helps to keep busy, talk to a doctor if you suffer from depression or have difficulty sleeping. Be careful not to isolate yourself unduly. Life will come back for you gradually but oh how we all wish time would speed up when we are suffering from such grief! My heart goes out to you. This was a freak accident. I've learned it doesn't do any good to ask "why" but rather to ask myself "what now?" What now is what you will have to discover..."why" reverberates back with a hollow empty sound of nothingness. Good luck to you in your journey. Perhaps with time you can view your time together as a special time, a time when two souls met and shared and felt each other's heart beat. I'm sorry it changed.