No ordinary day..

[KATPILOT]

I don't know if this makes any sense Gwen but while it seems that the growth of your lives together is over a little piece of Steve still exists in many things you do.  Let me explain. We are so affected by years of shopping together. You bought things together that you both liked. When you bought something alone you would show him and ask "What do you think?"  You were a team. I was part of a team too and at first I couldn't handle shopping at all. It was something we did so much together that after Kathy was gone I had a hell of a time even going into a grocery store. Then something started to change. Things in my home started to wear out. Appliances began to fail. Glassware broke and bed sheets began to tear. I was forced into shopping and shopping by myself. It was then that I realized that what I was buying was influenced by her just as if she was standing by my side. Over the years we became aware of what the other one liked and we blended. There I was blending again. Without even thinking I was selecting things that I knew she would have liked too. In some way I felt she was right there with me. I know it's not the same but it helped me feel better when I had to shop and when I put those new things in my home, I felt she was seeing them and I could ask "What do you think?".  Kathy would never buy anything for the house if I didn't truly like it. If she even sensed I was not enthusiastic it went back.   I thought that was a bit silly but she was quite firm about it. I grew to love that about her. Perhaps now when I shop, I have become a little like she was. Perhaps one day you can find shopping a little easier and find some meaning in it.

Some of you ladies have talked about how your husbands would not have been able to handle you dying first.  I want to say that I think I would fall into that same category. Had Kathy died first, I would never have been able to handle it. She was younger, more emotionally strong and although she would have grieved  I like to think she would have sought out help, counseling, and even might have found her way here.  But I didn't die first. She did.         I was the one left behind and I came within a hairs breath of not making it. I wanted death in the worst way. Living without her was more than I could take.  So maybe I was a bit like your husbands. I was just another wolf crying in the night. Somehow however I made it this far and I'm still standing.  That's pretty good for an emotional vegetable like me.

[mittam99]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I keep reading how so many of you feel those we have lost are still with us.  I know what you mean in our hearts, but those are just memories to me.  I don't feel them at all in any other way. 

Gwen, for me anyway, it's not that I feel "Tammy is still with me" physically in any sense. This is all an emotional feeling. In my mind, I simply can't fathom the notion that once Tammy died she faded away into "nothingness". My mind can't/won't/doesn't accept that. Her love and her spirit  is here forever. It's definitely inside me and at the same time (as I've documented numerous times)  many unexplained things have happened that give me hope that she is here (although I can't see or touch her, which is what we all dream of).

We're all different. Everyone's point of view and personality is carried into this grief life. I think if someone was a "glass half empty" person in their life together, that will continue in their grief journey. On the other hand, grief is so painful, so gut-wrenching, so life altering that I'm sure many "glass half full" people lose their optimistic outlook on life and it's completely understandable.

I wish I had the answer and the words to give you a sense of hope or a sense that life will get better. I don't even always have the right words or thoughts to help in my own journey. I still cry everyday and still don't know why Tammy had to die so young. Still can't wrap my head around the fact that someone so beautiful, so wonderful and so loving had to live half her life with a devastating illness that robbed her of one of life's bests gifts... good health. I feel so alone and I ache everyday for her. But, I'm determined to live my life and do the best I can daily until the time comes that Tammy and I are together as one again.

Mitch

[Gin]

Steve,

I do not look at you as an emotional vegetable!  Look at all you have been doing...and GOOD things.  The auction, the band, all the support you have given to us.  I am glad you are here.

Gin

[WolfsKat]

12 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

I was just another wolf crying in the night

Oh....WOW.........Steve, you just brought to my memory what Connor told me, in the days that we were getting to know/love each other.........he always described himself as a lone wolf, howling for someone to end his incredible loneliness.....he loved wolves, and considered them his "spirit animal", even had a beautiful wolf tattoo on his right chest.  I like to think.....no, I KNOW, that he met his mate in me!  We were both lone wolves who met, loved, and had our own small but happy pack!  Thank you for reviving that memory.....and, you are far from an "emotional vegetable"........I've seen such progress, and hope, and love in your posts........you've given me a bit of hope for a future in which this horrendous pain might ease a bit......bless you for that!

[Gwenivere]

Steve, you are right, even the few things I buy are influenced by the person I was with my Steve.  It's all about the life we created and that won't change.  Unlike you and Kathy, it was him that came up with some whoppers of changes and things always went back to what they were after I let him try his experiments knowing they weren't going to work.  But he did have a few that did and that so pleased him.  I've come up with a couple that would have made life easier, but we never noticed when we were both here.

For an emotional vegetable you sure are blessed with a great veggie brain!  

[KATPILOT]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

For an emotional vegetable you sure are blessed with a great veggie brain!  

Thank you for the compliment.  I did not intend to appear as a lower end vegetable but more of a higher more sophisticated one. I was thinking an avocado or perhaps an artichoke.  I've come a long way from a potato but that takes time doesn't it?

[WolfsKat]

2 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

Thank you for the compliment.  I did not intend to appear as a lower end vegetable but more of a higher more sophisticated one. I was thinking an avocado or perhaps an artichoke.  I've come a long way from a potato but that takes time doesn't it?

At the very least, an artichoke........lots of great "layers".....and at the center, the wonderful heart! And the avocado is technically a fruit! 

[Brad]

2 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

And the avocado is technically a fruit! 

so are beans, peas, corn, cucumbers, grains, nuts, olives, peppers, pumpkin, squash, sunflower seeds and tomatoes.  

[WolfsKat]

4 minutes ago, Brad said:

so are beans, peas, corn, cucumbers, grains, nuts, olives, peppers, pumpkin, squash, sunflower seeds and tomatoes.  

And don't forget tomatoes!!!!  I LOVE tomatoes.....preferably on a BLT!

[Marie Lee]

Yum, fresh tomatoes!

:-) had to chime in .. 

[Gwenivere]

So....Steve us both a fruit and a veggie?  That's talent!  

[Margm]

On 10/26/2016 at 6:55 AM, KATPILOT said:

I wanted death in the worst way. Living without her was more than I could take.  So maybe I was a bit like your husbands. I was just another wolf crying in the night. Somehow however I made it this far and I'm still standing.  That's pretty good for an emotional vegetable like me.

I guess that hits us all, old, young, male, female.  The first days we want death ourselves in the worse way.  I enjoyed the breathless feeling at the end of crying, unable to catch my breath, but I did, some primitive part of me wanted to live enough not to leave.  

[Brad]

I've stated more than once, just recently at that: I am no longer contemplating taking my own life but if I were to have a heart attack I doubt I would dial 911.  It sounded good to me but upon reflection three times in the past year I have had bowel obstructions.  Each time I hopped in the car and drove the 200 miles to get medical care.  So much for my bravado.  It is apparent that I would much rather live.

[MartyT]

I think it's a basic human instinct, Brad, that natural drive to survive ~ and since this indifference to going on in life without our loved one is so common among the bereaved (especially in that first year), thank goodness we have it ~ oftentimes in spite of ourselves. I'm so glad you decided to live.  ♥

[MartyT]

I just read this wonderful article by surviving spouse Christina Rasmussen entitled Grieving Inside the Waiting Room vs Outside and it made me think of the posts in this thread. Christina writes:

What is the difference between grieving inside the Waiting Room vs outside?

Someone in my Life Starters community asked me this question this week. So, I thought this is an answer I want all of you to have.

There is an element of daring life again when we go and cry on top of a mountain.

There is a roar that takes place within us when we scream under the stars.

The roar gets silenced when we hide from the life that we want to have after loss.

The roar is silenced sometimes permanently if we wait too long to unleash it.

But how do we choose the hike vs the waiting room?  Read on here.

[Margm]

That part that says "I want to be like normal people again" really hits home.  We just want our normal life back.  Whatever that was.  I heard that you see people that remind you of our lost ones but I have not seen that tall, lanky, shaggy haired, bearded old man of mine anywhere.  Except in my memory.  He always wanted me to cut his hair and he would tell me how to do it.  So, he would wear a ball cap till it grew out.  Then we would let it be shaggy for awhile.  Once put it in a pony tail on back of his neck.  I liked that, he didn't.  That was yesterday wasn't it?

[Gwenivere]

I remember!  I remember!  It was when we just lived our lives with our partners and hummed along like everyone else.  Tomorrow Steve will be gone 2 years so normal has become scratched out of my vocabulary.

i haven't seen anyone that looks like Steve either.  Especially the healthy and gorgeous guy I knew.  Probably a very good thing.  Dont think I could take that.  Pictures are hard enough.  I might just grab the poor guy that looked like him confirming my insanity!

 

[kayc]

I think normal for us is gone.  At least the normal we used to know.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I wish you were wrong Kay.  Some of these crappy days are just too tough to deal with.  Maybe a glass or two of Fireball on ice would give me a few moments of mellowness.

take care all

[Gin]

Gwen,

i know this is going to be a hard day for you- the 2 year anniversary of Steve's death.  Hope you find  some peace.  I just passed the 1st and for me the anticipation was worse than the actual day.  They are all bad.  

[Gin]

I always loved this quote and oh, 'tis so true.

“Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in  the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.”    By Mary Jean Irion

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, Gin.  I'll find out when I wake today and how it progresses.  ?

[MartyT]

We are thinking of you today, dear Gwen, and you are being held gently in our hearts.  ♥

[mittam99]

8 hours ago, kayc said:

I think normal for us is gone.  At least the normal we used to know.

What exactly is normal or abnormal? The life we had before was the life we loved. We loved it because we were living with the person that made it special. That blissful life was "the norm" for us. Now alone, we live a lonely, sad and mostly miserable existence, at least that's my new world.

I think we have to say that it's our "new normal" even though it feels so abnormal.

Maybe someday, our lives will include some measure of happiness and contentment. But the truth is, nothing about this life feels normal. 

 

[kayc]

Gwen,

Thinking of you today...