rdownes Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Everyday this is what I get up saying what alot of us say and it hurts so bad, it is so hard without them sometimes to the point of wanting to give up, we then have to search deep inside us and find our strength to keep going our reason to go on it is different for all of us but one thing I feel that we all share is their love gives us strength but it doesn't take away the loneliness the emptiness the yearning to hear their voice , look into their eyes and see the love, missing holding them close that always is there I know it will get easier in time but it will always be there and nothing prepares you for this pain I just needed to vent today am feeling very low 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Yes, Robin. So hard every day. I am on my way to my son-in-law's birthday. I have a lot of issues with his family and I really do not want to go without Al. Have to for my daughter. Hang in there Robin. Gin 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 10 minutes ago, rdownes said: I just needed to vent today am feeling very low It's okay, Robin ~ We understand, and we're always here to listen. I'm so sorry that you're feeling very low today. I'm sending thoughts of peace and healing to your broken heart. ♥ 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Yes, Robin, I'm feeling very down today myself, no real reason, just am, so I know how you feel. Hugs to you Joyce Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Finch Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Hey Robin, Sorry you've had a bad day. Just checking in to tell you that I am thinking of you and share and relate to your feelings.. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Robin you're so right. This new alone life hurts so bad and at times, we wonder why we even keep on trying. What keeps me going and upright is remembering the love I shared with Tammy, remembering how special Tammy was and hoping with all my being that she is still shining bright somewhere and that we will ultimately be reunited once again. That's the only way I survive this cruel grief life. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Hi Robin, I totally relate. I do the same thing. I leave the house each day before dawn, and it happens that right now, Orion is in the sky in the early morning. Some of the final things I said to Ron as he was going was that I was going to look for him in Orion's belt. It was always my favorite constellation, and he had pointed out the rest of the Orion constellation to me. From a few weeks after he was gone, Orion has been gone from the sky on the other side of the planet. A couple of months ago, I noticed it in the early morning, and since then, I have been stopping, tilting my head up, and giving an air kiss to him, and telling him I love him. The first morning I did it, in the silent morning, it sounded so loud and echo-y I figured the whole neighborhood heard it, and I just had to smile. And you know, smiles are often hard to come by but feel surprisingly good if they are real. Now when I look up, I make sure to look for the belt of the constellation, but now I see the whole thing, and now, Ron is my "Man in the Sky" every morning. This amount of pain -- I didn't even know it existed. Hugs, Patty 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Thank you to everyone for listening I know everyone understands this feeling and we are all trying to find our way with no real answers just hope it is just so hard but we keep on going I am surviving today like every other one with this ache in my heart that won't go away Patty that i a truly special thing to have your man in the sky I am glad Ron got to show you the whole thing makes it truly a gift I wish there was a way to make this pain just stop it gets overwhelming 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Joyce, Know how you feel. Nothing specific...other than they are gone! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Hugs to all three of you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 My birthday was three weeks to the day after Deedo died. My daughter and SIL paid to have a star named BradnDeedo and gave me the certificate for a present. The star is in Ursa Major. Of course I know the star is only named BradnDeedo in that one particular database and Astrologers will never know that star as BradnDeedo, but still I'll go out often and talk to Deedo looking at what is now Our Star. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 That is so nice Brad to have that special star I am sure Deedo hears every loving word and is smiling down on you something to cherish. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 oh, and the other thing i do is... well, i've mentioned it somewhere here but when ron passed, about 15 minutes after, my alarm on my phone went off, at 1:34PM. I never set it. It was him saying goodbye, I'm convinced. For a while, I turned the "repeat daily" off because the daily reminder when it was all so raw was just too hard. but when he set it from the other side, it was set with 'repeat daily' on, and so a few months ago, I felt it was right to turn it back on to its original state. So, every day at 1:34pm, the alarm goes off. The message I set was a heart emoji. So, when it goes off I'm always at work. I pick up my phone, I put it on my heart, I take it away, I kiss my phone, I take about 10 seconds to tell him how much I love him with my eyes closed, and then I go back to work. My employees have seen this, and I don't care! It's my crazy. But I've embraced it. Because for those 10 seconds, it connects me with my love instead of my pain. The agonizing pain gets ahold of me plenty the rest of the time, it doesn't get those 10 seconds! Patty 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Gin and Joyce thank you for your words it is so hard without them and yes do not need a particular reason to feel low our soulmates are gone and it hurts beyond words at times. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted October 31, 2016 Report Share Posted October 31, 2016 Been up and down today too. Got a medical bill in today...for Kev, for the cardiopulmonary resuscitation they did on him at the accident ... He's gone.... I hear his voice on our answering machine and it comforts me for a second...Thant familiar voice, he fills my dreams every night, with the mundan activities we shared..maybe why I want to sleep...he's still here in my dreams... Took Mason to the zoo for the Halloween spooktacular....it would have been Kev's first Hallloween w/ Mason this year.. for every up...I come crashing down.. hugs, Marie 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted October 31, 2016 Report Share Posted October 31, 2016 1 hour ago, Brad said: My birthday was three weeks to the day after Deedo died. My daughter and SIL paid to have a star named BradnDeedo and gave me the certificate for a present. The star is in Ursa Major. Of course I know the star is only named BradnDeedo in that one particular database and Astrologers will never know that star as BradnDeedo, but still I'll go out often and talk to Deedo looking at what is now Our Star. A friend adopted a star for us too. I finally got the certificate. I tried to find it in the sky but haven't. I know it's being named for us means nothing in most astronomic circles, but it was a very special gift amid the condolences cards. As it turned out, tho, when I look it up on the computer it was twin stars. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 31, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2016 Patty that is truly amazing it brings tears to my eyes for you I am sure you really cherish those 10 seconds Ron truly wanted you to know how much he loved you, and twin stars Gwen truly amazing you and Steve up in the sky together for always such a truly amazing gift. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 31, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2016 Marie for me it just seems my hard days are out weighing my ok days lately I was doing good was finding some comfort in different things and now it is like finding any comfort is a gift I just seem to keep slipping farther into the darkness away from the light no matter how hard I try I am sure Kevin would have loved his first Halloween with Mason but I am sure he was with you in spirit enjoying the day hugs 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted October 31, 2016 Report Share Posted October 31, 2016 For all of us here........xoxo 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 31, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2016 So true Kat this place is my family of fellow grievers who have been a godsend very lucky to find such compassion,love and understanding. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted October 31, 2016 Report Share Posted October 31, 2016 So true Kat...Robin...love the stories of the stars...Brad..Gwen...hope it's a better day today for us all....Patty, that's sweet about the alarm ..it's the simple things ... :-) hugs.. Enjoy those cute little ones in costumes, they make believing in miracles and life a possibility for our grieving hearts... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 31, 2016 Report Share Posted October 31, 2016 Robin, I'm sorry I'm getting this so late, I was at my son's yesterday and the only time I had to read and post was very early in the morning. You got a lot of responses here and I hope it helped, knowing you are not alone, that there are many others going through the same thing. I can't believe my journey has been this long, and yet I feel the same things, I miss him and love him, just as you are feeling. Sometimes I feel so very alone and do not like that feeling, we should be going through life together, enjoying our retirement. It's hard to enjoy when you're all alone. Elsewhere on this site it asked us what plans we're making for the holidays...I couldn't get out of there fast enough! Where I live is snow country so very often I end up snowed in and can't make plans and keep them, it's hard, I wish I could travel to be with my granddaughter on the holidays, but I also have wood heat as my only source and can't leave when it's freezing as my pipes will freeze if I don't keep a fire going. Holidays can be a rather depressing time. Today is Halloween, so many out there enjoying festivities, but again, for me it's alone. I can't drive at night and that's just another reminder that I'm alone because if George was here our lives would be so different, with him driving us places. My sister told me last night how she knew what I was going through because she can't drive at night...no she doesn't know, she has a husband who can drive, but I didn't correct her, I didn't want to invalidate her experience, it's just that mine is different. We all have our low points and sometimes we need to vent, so I hope it helped you to know you have an on line family here to turn to that understands and cares. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted October 31, 2016 Report Share Posted October 31, 2016 Yesterday, the little church that I have been attending celebrated Dia De Los Muertos. It is a Mexican holiday meant to celebrate and honor the ones we have lost. There was a potluck and each of us brought a dish and photos and momentos of our loved ones to honor. I brought photos of Ron and Debbie from much happier times and wore my t-shirt of "Cowgirl Tough", the same one I wore to my daughter's funeral. It so epitomizes my little girl. The food was good, and the conversation pleasant. These people are kind and understanding for all I could do was cry. I simply could not celebrate the loss of half of my family. Maybe in time................. Yes Robin, the loneliness seems never ending. I understand. Hope this is a better day for you. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted November 1, 2016 Author Report Share Posted November 1, 2016 Kayce and Karen yes it is so nice feeling like others know and understand it is truly a help and blessings to have that it is just the loneliness is getting worse and I feel like the light is slipping farther away I don't want that this is not me it is not the Robin that Kevin loved I feel like a stranger to myself, J went trick or treating with my grandson it got my mind off things for alittle while but even that did not remove the ache in my heart, I know that they say holidays are extra hard days and I guess Christmas will be another test of this but I think everyday is hard holiday or not trigger or not, I can be alright and for no reason just lose it and start a crying fit that won't stop I just want to find my way with Kevin by my side forever in spirit and in my heart but sometimes it feels like a losing battle hugs to everyone 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted November 1, 2016 Report Share Posted November 1, 2016 Midnight and the creeping anxiety is setting in. I got through his birthday. Yet even harder was the grief attacks days before. And I couldn't figure out why. It is the holidays, I had been talking about the holidays with my daughter. the vividness with hindsight of his exhaustion last year in his last two months in at home and in the shop. And his only excitement was our annual tradition, our trip back east to see my parents. How much he loved my parents,the loving parents he never had. He'd spent a whole night talking about how much he loved them. And I will be in our footsteps from last year. I have to, it is the path on so many levels. And outside the last month of his life, this feels like the hardest thing. Omg it is so so scary 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now