I have memories and hope but I don't have happiness

[mittam99]

I'm writing this as I'm winding down from a pretty intense grief burst so I hope what I write makes sense...

I got a phone call from daughter Katie today and found out she just got engaged. She's a few months shy of 21 and this really took me by surprise. I'm happy for her and hope it all works out. I talked to her fiance as well and he seems like a nice enough guy. Told him to treat her right "cause I know where you live, buddy". Protective dad mode in action. Katie's in love and sounded so happy.

And it got me to thinking. Happiness for me is a just a memory. My happiness was being with Tammy. Seeing her amazing smile and holding her in my arms. Her love made my life a life that was worth living. Now, alone, I have brief moments of laughter or a fleeting sense of peace but those moments last a matter of minutes at most. That deep, unrelenting sadness is everpresent and ready to burst into a grief tsunami at any time.

It's a very difficult life living day to day knowing the life you really want to live is unattainable. It lives only in your memories and dreams. It's your past but not your future. Two things keep me going. One is the hope that someday Tammy and I will be reunited in some way. And the second thing is the memories I have that keep Tammy alive in my heart and soul. 

But, no matter how wonderful the memories or how strong my hope is, day to day happiness just doesn't exist. It just hurts too bad. How could Tammy only get 45 years? Why did her life have to be filled with one life threatening medical trauma after another?  The pain of losing her tortures me. She deserved so much better of a fate! 

The bottom line is ... for me to feel happiness, I need Tammy!  There is no substitute. No amount of hobbies or material possessions or distractions will work. They basically mean nothing. 

That's what makes living this life so challenging. We're here and they're not. How do we ever find a measure of happiness without them?

Mitch

[rdownes]

Oh Mitch I am so sorry for your hard day I understand it is beyond hard without them, I know how you feel you are happy for Katie but that love also reminds you of Tammy and brings you a sense of sadness and longing for that feeling again not that you don't still love Tammy but now our hearts are also full of deep pain and loss I understand out of my seven five have either spouses or significant others which sometimes makes me feel more empty and lonely and yet happy for them to because I know what having great love feels like and it is amazing, I don't know how we find happiness to any degree again but we need to hold on to our hope and their love, I wish I could ease your pain  for I truly know how you feel I truly hope you are able to find some comfort in knowing you are not alone and in Tammy's love and memories hugs.

[Gwenivere]

I know it's hard, Mitch.  It's very hard for me to feel happiness or empathy for people around me now.   I just hope this doesn't become a permanent scar in my personality.  That would be a very bad thing if I lost appreciation that life brings great things to others as it did  to me once.

[WolfsKat]

3 hours ago, mittam99 said:

That's what makes living this life so challenging. We're here and they're not. How do we ever find a measure of happiness without them?

Mitch..........I am so sorry you've once again been hit, so hard by a grief burst!  They are SO wrenching!  My daughter Katie got engaged down here in FL, while visiting me with her (now) fiance, this past spring.  I was/am VERY happy for them, and look forward to their wedding.  But....I admit.....I felt MY loss hard, remembering Connor and me becoming engaged and planning our wedding/honeymoon....just a few short years ago!  We were together 5 years, but married only one year when he passed on.  It is difficult to fully enjoy our lives when the person who meant the most to us is gone!  I will celebrate at their wedding....I truly am grateful that my daughter will marry a wonderful man, but......Connor won't be there to share the day at my side....and although Katie was not his daughter, he loved her and would've been so thrilled!  It does feel as though we "lose" the ability to fully feel joy again.....it is always tinged with our grief.  I will hope, and pray, that this will not always be so.......for me, for you, for any/all of us!

[scba]

Hello Mitch, I so understand what you wrote. It is same for me.

One of our friends in the forum wrote that life became a challenge, and it is not a gift anymore. I think it is true. I downsized my expectations, first I wanted the pain to dissapear, then I wanted to find peace, now I expect to find ways to get used to grief the way it is.

There are times that my brain "wakes up from distractions' and I think: "This can't be my life now". And I feel the horror-feeling of discovering it once more.

 

[kayc]

Mitch, your post could have been written by me.  It is indeed so very hard.  I know a lot of you look at it like WTH am I doing here at eleven years?  Really, it doesn't change all that much.  Some of you at two, three years have figured out that this is something we have to learn to live with...and that doesn't change.  Yes, some remarry and somehow manage to go on with their new life, although still haunted by the memories and still missing them, but for those of us who've figured out that no one in the world is like our (George/Tammy/Kevin/Ron/Bruce/etc), our only option is to do our best to live out our day and try to keep our focus positive and not be swallowed up by this immense grief.  As Gwen has mentioned, there are those of us who have been there, and then there are the Outsiders.  We've learned to not say much to the Outsiders about it, they think we should be over it by now or think they understand and they do not!

Mitch, you're at the place where I've been, where your child begins to live the life you used to live and you realize it's all passed you by now and will never be like it once was.  I watch my kids marry, have kids, live out their lives much like I once did...but for me it's gone now.  Now I live alone and wonder how I'll continue doing this for however many years I have left to do it.  Life for us holds bits of good in it but the long-lasting enduring kind of happiness...it is gone.

[MartyT]

One important thing you didn't mention, dear Kay, is that somewhere along the way, you reached a point where you felt called to reach out to others who find themselves on the same road that you have traveled. You have become a wise and wonderful guide for the bereaved, willing to share what you've learned along the way ~ not trying to "fix" anyone, but always here to welcome new members, to listen without judgment, and to respond with kindness and compassion to everyone who comes and sits in our healing circle. You identify with their struggles and empathize with their doubts and sorrows. As one who truly understands the grieving process, you reach out to others who are suffering the pain of loss, offering valuable information and support. I know that doing this does not bring you the level of happiness you knew in your life with your darling George ~ but I've a feeling that it does give you another kind of satisfaction ~ and I hope it makes your heart sing, just as it does my own. ♥    

[brat#2]

Mitch, I'm sorry you had such a bad burst, I know they hurt.  Sending you hugs

Joyce

 

[Gin]

Mitch,

lit is so hard.  Al and I were widowed when we met and fell in love.  We both felt that we were so fortunate to find that really special love that neither had before.  I look forward to being with him, but worry that his first wife wants to be with him as bad as I do.  Crazy?  I asked a priest today at the grief group I attend (not my religion or church).  He said there will be no marriage in heaven.  Not a comfort to me.  

Gin

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Mitch, you're at the place where I've been, where your child begins to live the life you used to live and you realize it's all passed you by now and will never be like it once was.  I watch my kids marry, have kids, live out their lives much like I once did...but for me it's gone now.  Now I live alone and wonder how I'll continue doing this for however many years I have left to do it.  Life for us holds bits of good in it but the long-lasting enduring kind of happiness...it is gone.

I get torn in my feelings about this, Kay.  I, too, see life beginning for others.  Think about the time that was me.   I truly feel if Steve were here and we could reminisce about those times for us, it would make all the difference.  Having to hear about them alone just adds to the pain of times we had it so good too.  It would have to be with him, too.  The little stories I've told people here and there feel OK at the time, then I walk away feeling so empty.  I don't know how to balance this.  Life will continue to unfold around me with others.  The balance seems to be the couples that face getting older together.  Another part if thier journey.  Growing content with each stage.  Doing that alone feels so very cold.  I have albums of actual pictures (way before the digital age)  I remember commenting to him about would be a hoot to look at when we were old and gray.  Little did I know they are only mine now.  Can't even imagine looking at them ever again.  Have no kids or anyone that would care to take that walk down memory lane.  They are creating their own.  There were times we did drag them out looking for something and get caught up looking at more.  Always brought a warm glow.  Now they sit.  I have them in my head, but not as vividly as seeing the pictures.  I consider them gold for our future.  Now, they are but containers of what is gone without him to share with.

[scba]

Having to hear about them alone just adds to the pai of times we had it so good too.  It would have to be with him, too. 

I understand it too very much. This happens to me every single day. 

[iPraiseHim]

We were not able to have children and my niece & nephew are not close relationally.  I am coming to terms of accepting my life as it is now and not how I dreamed and wished for it to be.  My immediate goals are to get my house in order, sort, charity, cleanup, and organized. Then work on much needed repairs on the home.  Next to prep my home to be able to get a dog for a companion and to pay off my home mortgage and save for my retirement.  I hope I can work for another twenty years.  Life is short and it is time to get busy living until I am called home.  I miss my precious wife deeply and will carry her love in my heart.  It is amazing how quickly time flies especially as I get older.  - Shalom

[R.Everit55]

22 hours ago, mittam99 said:

I'm writing this as I'm winding down from a pretty intense grief burst so I hope what I write makes sense...

I got a phone call from daughter Katie today and found out she just got engaged. She's a few months shy of 21 and this really took me by surprise. I'm happy for her and hope it all works out. I talked to her fiance as well and he seems like a nice enough guy. Told him to treat her right "cause I know where you live, buddy". Protective dad mode in action. Katie's in love and sounded so happy.

And it got me to thinking. Happiness for me is a just a memory. My happiness was being with Tammy. Seeing her amazing smile and holding her in my arms. Her love made my life a life that was worth living. Now, alone, I have brief moments of laughter or a fleeting sense of peace but those moments last a matter of minutes at most. That deep, unrelenting sadness is everpresent and ready to burst into a grief tsunami at any time.

It's a very difficult life living day to day knowing the life you really want to live is unattainable. It lives only in your memories and dreams. It's your past but not your future. Two things keep me going. One is the hope that someday Tammy and I will be reunited in some way. And the second thing is the memories I have that keep Tammy alive in my heart and soul. 

But, no matter how wonderful the memories or how strong my hope is, day to day happiness just doesn't exist. It just hurts too bad. How could Tammy only get 45 years? Why did her life have to be filled with one life threatening medical trauma after another?  The pain of losing her tortures me. She deserved so much better of a fate! 

The bottom line is ... for me to feel happiness, I need Tammy!  There is no substitute. No amount of hobbies or material possessions or distractions will work. They basically mean nothing. 

That's what makes living this life so challenging. We're here and they're not. How do we ever find a measure of happiness without them?

Mitch

Mitch I'm so sorry.  I'm struggling with feeling happiness with my family and guilt because of it.  My Mary was my happiness too and my everything.  

Grief never ends. We will struggle to find a safe spot day to day to keep on breathing. 

Butch

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, Gin said:

I look forward to being with him, but worry that his first wife wants to be with him as bad as I do.  Crazy?  I asked a priest today at the grief group I attend (not my religion or church).  He said there will be no marriage in heaven.  Not a comfort to me.  

Does it really matter what it is called, Gin?  I have no idea about afterlives, but if I get to be with Steve again, that will be a great gift.  He had 2 other wives, I had another husband.  But what we had far surpassed what either of us felt with those people.  I know we would choose to be together again jus as we did here.  This is also information from someone also stuck on this side.  The priest does not really know, only what has faith believes.  Frankly, I consider priests the least likely to know anything about marriage or deep love ties with another person.  

[Gin]

Gwen,

I guess I was looking for him to assure me that Al and I would be together.  That's what counts.

Gin

[kayc]

You are all right.  Finding purpose after losing them helps.  Nothing is ever the same again.  George summed it up when he said: 

12 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

I am coming to terms of accepting my life as it is now and not how I dreamed and wished for it to be. 

Gin, don't worry about it.  We are neither male nor female in heaven, and so there is no marriage.  No jealousy.  No possessiveness.  BUT!  We will still know each other, still have our memories, and still feel our extra special closeness.  We will still have our personalities and I imagine will be closer to some than others.  I am and always will be George's little one, and no piece of paper or lack of can destroy that.

I have been married four times, and trust me, I will not be with any but George in any way.  If Bob or John per chance made it there, it's big enough for me to find a spot across heaven.  I'm sure Paul Sr. will be there and all will be healed between us.  But with George, he will always be my best friend, we clicked and that will never change.  Neither will it for you, Gin.  Please don't worry about this, nothing changed except his body gave out.

[kayc]

21 hours ago, MartyT said:

One important thing you didn't mention, dear Kay, is that somewhere along the way, you reached a point where you felt called to reach out to others who find themselves on the same road that you have traveled. You have become a wise and wonderful guide for the bereaved, willing to share what you've learned along the way ~ not trying to "fix" anyone, but always here to welcome new members, to listen without judgment, and to respond with kindness and compassion to everyone who comes and sits in our healing circle. You identify with their struggles and empathize with their doubts and sorrows. As one who truly understands the grieving process, you reach out to others who are suffering the pain of loss, offering valuable information and support. I know that doing this does not bring you the level of happiness you knew in your life with your darling George ~ but I've a feeling that it does give you another kind of satisfaction ~ and I hope it makes your heart sing, just as it does my own. ♥    

Thank you, Marty.  It's not the same as having George here, but it is purpose for living all the same.

[MartyT]

Kay, my dear, I know you well enough to know that you meant well in your response to Gin regarding your beliefs about the afterlife, and your intention was to offer comfort and reassurance ~ but once again I must caution all of us to be careful when sharing our own personal beliefs about such matters, especially when we state them with such certainty, as if they are proven facts ~ rather than matters of faith or what we personally have chosen to believe. ♥    

[Gin]

Sorry I brought that up.  It just seems so common that we all think we will be with our loved ones someday.

[MartyT]

It's fine that you brought it up, dear Gin ~ We all wonder about these things, and of course many of us believe exactly as Kay does ~ I just want to be sure that when we share those spiritual beliefs here, we're careful to acknowledge such beliefs as our own, so as not to impose them on anyone who may have doubts, or may not share the same beliefs. ♥

[mittam99]

Marty,

I don't know about anyone else but when I read posts at this forum (any forum really), I fully understand that it's personal thoughts being stated, not indisputable facts. That's what forums are built on. I think we're all keenly aware and respectful of others beliefs from what I've seen here. This is a very fine forum filled with a diverse group of people all brought together because of personal tragedy.

For me, I don't base my feeling that Tammy and I will hopefully be reunited on any religious belief. In my head and in my heart I simply can't fathom that Tammy doesn't still exist in some way, on some level. It's that premise that keeps hope alive for me. That feeling allows me to get through my day. Without that hope, my journey would be substantially more painful and nearly impossible to navigate.

Mitch

[kayc]

6 hours ago, MartyT said:

 

Kay, my dear, I know you well enough to know that you meant well in your response to Gin regarding your beliefs about the afterlife, and your intention was to offer comfort and reassurance ~ but once again I must caution all of us to be careful when sharing our own personal beliefs about such matters, especially when we state them with such certainty, as if they are proven facts ~ rather than matters of faith or what we personally have chosen to believe. ♥    

 

Actually, I did not bring this subject up but I have had people ask me and I thought I'd clarify what the Bible teaches and what the Christian faith is about.  There are differing beliefs here but I don't feel I need chastised because of my beliefs any more than someone of another religion should be chastised because of their belief.  It's interesting to note that it is not popular to have Christian beliefs in our world today, whereas it's perfectly acceptable to quote Buddhism.  I find it offensive that my faith is singled out while others are not.  

It's not my personal opinion, it's the Bible.  I realize that not everyone chooses to believe it, that's their prerogative.

[kayc]

6 hours ago, MartyT said:

not to impose them on anyone

I have never imposed my beliefs on anyone!  I have never shoved my faith down someone else's throat.  I have never used this forum to proselytize.  My beliefs in the Bible as the inherent Word of God are just that, everyone else is free to believe whatever they choose.  It is the freedom to choose that is the very foundation of my Christian beliefs!  God did not make us puppets but gave us the power to choose to love Him...or not.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone but I don't apologize for my beliefs, I can't do that.  Gin, when you said your priest told you there was no marriage in heaven, it seemed that was a new concept to you and that it concerned you.  My intent was to clarify and hopefully bring you the comfort and encouragement that with or without a piece of paper, we'll still know each other, still be together.  Some here believe we die and that's it...I'm not one of them.  Everyone here chooses what they believe, I was just saying what the Bible says.  If someone isn't interested, they can skip this whole conversation.  

[kayc]

Interestingly enough, when I looked up the scriptures concerning male & female, it was brought to my attention that when you take the entirety of the verse in mind, that it is referring to no bias regarding gender, not that there is no gender.  I had never looked at it that way.  We never stop learning...

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

For me, I don't base my feeling that Tammy and I will hopefully be reunited on any religious belief.

You posted the point Marty was trying to make with the first 2 words of that sentence. I know Kay had the best of intentions.  I just consider it wise to always add it is our own opinion/belief.  Some things can scare people that are very lost and we can't know what they might be.  We can't presume to know what others reading will feel (hope, fear, despair) when reading here.  It's not a knowledge of how forums work.  This isn't like ones about iPhones or mechanics that have definitive answers.  People are vulnerable in grief.  That is what I feel needs to be kept in mind.