I have memories and hope but I don't have happiness

[Margm]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

I never understood why someone would prefer virgins over someone who knew what they are doing.  

 

I know I am getting old Gwen, I cannot even think of a funny comeback to that one.  

[mittam99]

Gwen, it probably has something to do with the male ego and the need to be first at things.

[mittam99]

This is the time of year my pain and anguish seem to intensify. Back in 2014, Tammy and I celebrated our first Christmas without Katie living with us. I know that wasn't easy for Tammy.  Her health was deteriorating. In January 2015, Tammy collapsed and was rushed to the hospital. Two month later, the paramedics were rushing her down our steps in a frantic attempt to get her back to the hospital and try to save her life. She was gone before she ever reached the hospital.

The colder weather also is a reminder of those dark days. Back in 2015 it seemed like we had one ice or snowstorm after another. It made travel back and forth to the hospital and rehab place quite treacherous for me. I had to leave the rehab place one day in February due to an impending storm. Tammy kept encouraging me to go home because she knew bad weather was coming and was concerned for my safety. But, even when the snow started to pile up I just couldn't pry myself away from my Tammy. Finally I left knowing I had to... the snow was getting bad. So bad that the highway crews were caught off guard. They couldn't keep up and roads were impassable even for 4 wheel drive vehicles. My car is front drive with bald tires so you can imagine how things went. A 15 minute drive home took more like 6 hours. I couldn't even make it home and had to walk the last mile on foot up a hill.  Tammy was frantic but relieved when I called her after arriving home.

It was the worst and scariest drive of my life.

On March 5th 2015 (the day before Tammy died) we had another storm that gave us nearly another foot of snow. The next morning the sun shone brightly and I went out and shoveled snow so I could be the first in line at the grocery store to get Tammy's meds and buy food. I bought ingredients for a special meal I was going to make for Tammy. I came home happy and knew it was going to be a good day! This was one time I was terribly wrong. Tammy never got the chance to eat that meal. Her life ended that evening and my life ended in many ways too.

Tammy was the one person that "got" me, that loved me unconditionally, that made me smile, made me a better man. Made me feel like I mattered. Without her by my side, I'm lost and I feel so all alone. The world still goes on around me but my world has kind of stopped turning. It's a Groundhog Day of meaningless drudgery that somehow I need to transform into happiness. Yes, I think I'm emotionally in a better place than I was say, a year ago. But really, I'm a year older and life is passing me by to an extent. Someday, maybe I will be able to say I'm truly accomplishing something that makes me happy, but for now, that's a very elusive concept.

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Mitch, my heart is breaking for both of us.

I also feel most of what you describe.  This is my first year and I am afraid of how difficult it will be.

Many of us on here admire you and your honesty and realness.  You matter more than you know.

[iPraiseHim]

On 11/19/2016 at 11:31 AM, mittam99 said:

Tammy was the one person that "got" me, that loved me unconditionally, that made me smile, made me a better man. Made me feel like I mattered. Without her by my side, I'm lost and I feel so all alone. The world still goes on around me but my world has kind of stopped turning. It's a Groundhog Day of meaningless drudgery that somehow I need to transform into happiness. Yes, I think I'm emotionally in a better place than I was say, a year ago. But really, I'm a year older and life is passing me by to an extent. Someday, maybe I will be able to say I'm truly accomplishing something that makes me happy, but for now, that's a very elusive concept.

 

Replace the word Tammy for my wife, Rose Anne.  And I would write the same exact words.  My wife died suddenly only ten days after your wife passed.  I have survived but I can not say I am existing but not joyful or happy like I was with my precious bride.  My head and heart aches just writing this knowing how much I have lost.  Rose Anne completed me and life seems hollow.  I am not sure how I can every get used to life now.  The pain is not palpable at times. 

My faith and trust in Christ is what sustains me and the encouragement of this fellowship of grievers.  I know there is a reason and purpose for everything that happens in our lives even the painful and yucky parts.  Since I am still alive there is still work that God has called me to do; be; share; and give.  - Shalom

[Gwenivere]

I wish I had your faith, George.  I never looked at my time here as work to do, but that happens being involved in life.  

Now?  I can't think of a good reason I am here except the gamble of nature.  A disease claimed another victim in Steve and I have to live with the consequences it created.

[rdownes]

Mitch I am so sorry that this time of the year is so hard and holds such painfully memories try and hold onto the good memories the ones that make you smile, I remember when I first posted here you were the first person to welcome me and you gave me such hope, I don't know how we all find any sort of happiness again but I truly believe one day we will get there it is just a long road there but they will be right there with us all the way forever in our hearts hugs

[2Gracefull]

So sorry for your pain.  I am a Christian and I have hope that I will see my loved ones again.  If I didn't have that then life would be so much harder than it is already.  You just have to take one day at a time, do things for others, be a friend, get a dog, just don't stay in you grief any more than you have to.  Grief can over take you but knowing God has those I love with him gives me a lot of comfort.  I pray you find yours. 

[kayc]

2Gracefull,

Welcome here!  Did you lose your husband, and how long has it been?  You are right that it helps to take one day at a time, and I've also found that volunteering helps.  There are different religious representations here and not everyone believes the same, but I also count on that hope.  Today our teaching was on the first advent of hope, so I find it interesting that you brought that up.

I hope you will continue to come here, we are like an on line family here, caring for each other.