I have memories and hope but I don't have happiness

[mittam99]

Gwen, you're absolutely right about the vulnerability of people who are grieving. And as you said, we don't want to potentially "scare people that are very lost". Yet, at the same time, we really don't want to repress people and their own thoughts/beliefs. It's a very fine line. And that's where the challenge comes in. Marty has a difficult job here, no doubt.

I understood where Kay was coming from. She certainly wasn't trying to persuade anyone that her beliefs are the right beliefs. She was coming from a place of good-heartedness.

Grieving a lost soul mate is the most difficult life experience for all of us and this forum is a wonderful venue.  It has helped me tremendously and I try to give back and help others when I can. This forum has made my grief journey more tolerable reading the words of our wonderful members who share their anguished stories and words of hope.

 

[Brad]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

It's interesting to note that it is not popular to have Christian beliefs in our world today, whereas it's perfectly acceptable to quote Buddhism.  I find it offensive that my faith is singled out while others are not.  

Just for clarification:  a recent Pew Poll showed 70.6% of Americans identifying as Christian and 25.4% of them as Evangelical Christians with Catholics at 20.8% and Mainline Protestants coming in third at 14.7%.  It has been my personal experience that Evangelical Christians are more interested in religious pedagogy than other religions.  I fail to see where Christians are singled out, certainly not in my neighborhood where the battle is not Christians versus the World but Evangelicals versus Mormons versus Jehovah Witnesses.
 

[mittam99]

Brad, not to get off on a tangent of religious discussions here by any means... I think Kay was referring to the political - correctness that is such a part of our society these days. For example, municipalities removing their annual Christmas displays as to not offend others. I understand the concept of that, yet at the same time maybe we've taken things a bit too far.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand...

Tomorrow will be 20 months since my beautiful wife Tammy died. It's so hard to believe it's been that long. And yet, that moment is so etched on my psyche that the angst is still as intense as ever. Life without Tammy feels so different and so empty. Nothing can ever fill the void of the love Tammy and I shared.

This life is hard beyond words. Lonely beyond measure. It's like walking through life without legs. With a heart that's shattered. With a brain that is drowning in tears and sadness. It feels meaningless and at times futile.

Yet, I still try my best, even though my best isn't quite the same as it was. I know Tammy is looking down on me and she's proud of my efforts. She feels the deep, undying love I will always have for her.

My Tammy, my everything, my perfect forever wife.

Mitch

[rdownes]

Mitch what you wrote is exactly how I feel you could have taken the thoughts right out of my head, the void will never be filled for me either nothing could compare to the love I had/have for Kevin, you walk around with an ache in your heart that never goes away, you wonder how do I do this or even what is the point of it all without them by our side you think why try. Nothing prepares us for this pain, and we all are left trying to find our way to reach some sort of peace and comfort though sometimes it feels like we will never find it. Tammy is most definitely proud of you, she knows all the pain and love you feel and I believe her spirit is right there with you especially on these hard days. 

[Marie Lee]

 

 Mitch, I have memories and hope too.  Happiness is elusive at times..but then I see my grandchildren..my children ...old friends ...a sunset or moonlit waters...and I have some happiness for a moment.

Trying to drink that rainbow...

Hope today is better for you, Marie

[Widowedbysuicide]

I am thinking of you Mitch and hoping you will find some peace in the knowledge that you and Tammy will be in love forever.  

[Clematis]

Semantics throw us into such a quagmire when it comes to the spiritual - I think we just don't have an adequate and shared vocabulary to discuss deep matters of the heart and spirit, and be sure we will be understood. So we are left with using ordinary words. Usually we can limp along with that, but sometimes those words do not go far enough to wrap around the truly profound matters with which we grapple in love and grief. We use them anyway, but sometimes people who actually understand us misunderstand what we say because the words don't actually fit what we are talking about. But we have no other words - or if they exist they are not in common use and would lead to us being misunderstood anyway.

Possibly my favorite author is Paul Tillich, and the thing that impresses me most about him is that he is so concerned about being accurately understood that he always starts a given piece with careful definitions of key words he is about to use. He doesn't want to take the chance that he may be using a word differently than is typical, and hence be misunderstood. Unfortunately, we can't do that in most of what we do - no one would wade through all that verbiage...

Anyway, that's my thought, for what it's worth.

[jjconcern]

Mitch as I read down the list of beautiful, heartfelt responses to your post, I was struck by the great love that all of you have felt for your spouses and how difficult it is to go through the pain of losing them especially when your children begin to live their own lives. (It is such a reminder of your own married lives and the joy of raising a family even in difficult times).  As an older person who has seen family members and friends go through the pain of a spouse’s death, I realize that one never really gets over their loss (there is no time line) but the pain does lessen as time goes by.   Meanwhile what do you do to get through the day to day loneliness?  I have no answer for you but I do know that those who get involved in the lives of other people do have some measure of happiness even though in the beginning it pales in comparison to what they had before.  Grief groups in churches and counselors -pastoral or therapists can provide safe places to talk with others about your grief.  Do you still have couple friends who knew Tammy that you can stay connected to?  You share a common bond with them. Music, dancing, physical activities and being outdoors enjoying nature are all ways to spark a sense of joy in life (even if it only lasts for a short time) and a hope for the future.  God is in the midst of your sorrow even if you don’t feel connected.  My hugs and prayers go out to you in this very painful time.

 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, jjconcern said:

Mitch as I read down the list of beautiful, heartfelt responses to your post, I was struck by the great love that all of you have felt for your spouses and how difficult it is to go through the pain of losing them especially when your children begin to live their own lives. (It is such a reminder of your own married lives and the joy of raising a family even in difficult times).  As an older person who has seen family members and friends go through the pain of a spouse’s death, I realize that one never really gets over their loss (there is no time line) but the pain does lessen as time goes by.   Meanwhile what do you do to get through the day to day loneliness?  I have no answer for you but I do know that those who get involved in the lives of other people do have some measure of happiness even though in the beginning it pales in comparison to what they had before.  Grief groups in churches and counselors -pastoral or therapists can provide safe places to talk with others about your grief.  Do you still have couple friends who knew Tammy that you can stay connected to?  You share a common bond with them. Music, dancing, physical activities and being outdoors enjoying nature are all ways to spark a sense of joy in life (even if it only lasts for a short time) and a hope for the future.  God is in the midst of your sorrow even if you don’t feel connected.  My hugs and prayers go out to you in this very painful time.

This is so right on, it expresses so much how I feel.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thinking of you Mitch.  You have given me so much hope in my time of sadness and I wish I could offer you some hope for your journey too.

[mittam99]

Marita, to be honest, in my life these days it feels like I don't have much. Like I told a friend on the phone the other day, "I got nuthin'". This new life fluctuates between bearable and terrible. The truth is, when a member here tells me I've somehow helped them in some way, it's a very pleasing and gratifying thing. We all know how hard this life is without our beloved and all of us want to ease each other's pain.

I had a nice thing happen to me at work the other day. A customer approached me in a panic. She had misplaced her keys. I assured her she'd find them and tried to calm her down. I asked her if she remembered having her keys when she came into our building. Once she told me she had keyless entry on her car, I knew she couldn't have locked them in her car. So, I asked her to kind of retrace her steps and she just couldn't remember holding her keys at any point. At that point I figured I'd give the lost and found a try. So, I went there and sure enough someone had found them and there they were. Returning to my customer, I could see she was still upset and on the phone with someone. I turned to her and said "no worries" and handed her the keys. Oh how I loved seeing that look of dismay turn to utter relief on her face.

The next day going in to work, management handed me an envelope. It was clearly a card or an invitation. I opened it, and there was a delightful note from the woman I helped. She thanked me for keeping her calm and going above and beyond to find her keys. Getting that card made my day. She also had a $20 bill in there which was kind but what really mattered was the joy I received from her words.

These days, it's the little things, the little "victories" and the small accomplishments that help ease the pain of life without Tammy by my side.

Mitch

[MartyT]

It seems to me that you are, by nature, a very kind and caring person, Mitch, so I'd take issue with your statement that you "got nuthin'."

Being kind to others is hardly "nuthin'." (It reminds me of an article I read just this morning, The Importance of Being Kind.)  

Clearly it gives you great satisfaction whenever you help someone ~ especially when the help you've given is acknowledged by the person you have helped. Obviously it feels really good when you know your efforts are appreciated.

Sometimes, however, the kindness we give to others goes unrecognized and unacknowledged (or even misinterpreted), and it's at those times that we can give ourselves the credit and the pat on the back that we deserve. It's especially important at those times for us to practice the sort of self-love that has been discussed in another thread this morning (see Can't Feel Love). ♥  

 

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Mitch I have to say that you have done more for me than I can say.  When I start to have the dark feelings or the fear, I look for your posts.  I read and reread them all the time.  Your kindness in sharing your heartfelt thoughts and feelings gives me hope, stability, and reassures me that 'this' is normal.  

I wish I could give you the peace you have given me.  I hate the situation of my loving husband being gone from earth forever.  Like you I dream of being reunited.  Thank you for your wisdom, thoughtfulness, and sincerity.  You have been an invisible shoulder for me to cry on.

[mittam99]

15 minutes ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

Mitch I have to say that you have done more for me than I can say.  When I start to have the dark feelings or the fear, I look for your posts.  I read and reread them all the time.  Your kindness in sharing your heartfelt thoughts and feelings gives me hope, stability, and reassures me that 'this' is normal.  

I wish I could give you the peace you have given me.  I hate the situation of my loving husband being gone from earth forever.  Like you I dream of being reunited.  Thank you for your wisdom, thoughtfulness, and sincerity.  You have been an invisible shoulder for me to cry on.

Those words really made my day brighter Marita. When I post here, my hope is that I can somehow soothe an aching heart or maybe change someone's outlook into a more hopeful one. I know how gut wrenching and dismal this new life can be at times. The life I had before wasn't always easy; it seemed like Tammy had to deal with one serious medical issue after another. The stress level both emotionally and financially was high. But, together we knew we had a chance. A chance for things to get better. We always had a chance because we had a love that truly could move mountains. That love we shared not only made every moment better, it made us stronger. We really were as one.

That's why I sometimes feel like "I got nuthin", Marty. In real time, I'm here alone now, without the love of my life by my side, smiling.

But, I know I have one thing that no one else ever had... that deep, undying love connection with Tammy. It's that powerful feeling that lives on inside me. It's powerful enough to have gotten me through some very dark moments. Moments when my life could have taken a very tragic turn. The tears I cry today are a reflection of how much I miss Tammy. She wasn't just beautiful on the outside, she was an angel that had a heart of gold. I will never lose that feeling of being loved by Tammy, of being part of the Mitch and Tammy team. Of being lost in our love, me and Tammy against the world. She will always exist because I will never let her die in the sense that she will always be the best part of me.

Mitch

[kayc]

Mitch, you do indeed have a kind and caring heart, and that's why you try so hard, even when your own life is so rough.  I'm glad you've been able to help Marita, and also your customer, it does feel good to help someone!  

Last week was one of the busiest of my life, with all of the things going on, I didn't have a minute to myself.  I was hard pressed to get everything done, and spent countless hours on preparing the budget for a meeting.  At our meeting, one of the elders suggested compensation for my treasurer job, which I declined...my purpose in taking it on was to give back to the church I love and receive so much from, not for compensation, but it felt good to be recognized and appreciated.  Sometimes as people we DO appreciate people and fail to tell them what we feel...that's why I want to take the time right now to tell YOU, Mitch, how much I appreciate you on this forum.  Your caring about people and sharing from your experience does make a difference.

[mittam99]

Thanks Kay. Helping people has always been something I take pride in. I learned a long time ago you get much more satisfaction giving than receiving. I know I'll never have a life that was as wonderful and fulfilling as the life I had with Tammy. But, lending a helping hand, whether it's here or at work, does soothe my aching soul. 

A little off-topic, a little on-topic...

If I have one major "fault" in life, it's that I expect people to sort of be like me. In other words, if I'm invited to dinner I always tell the host how wonderful everything was. Or if someone does something nice, I let them know. Or if someone is having a "good hair day" I tell them. I've found that in that respect, I'm somewhat unusual. So many people tend to not say anything. I've always felt if someone makes an effort to do something, giving them words of kindness will make them feel good about their efforts. I guess that's why, at times, I'm hurt (I'm a bit too sensitive I guess) when I've done something nice or gone out of my way to help, and nothing positive is said to me. I have to learn to not let it bother me because we all react differently to things. It isn't that people aren't appreciative of what I've done, they just don't verbalize everything like I do. I'm working on getting better and more cognizant of this. I think I'm too idealistic in general.

The bottom line here is that I'm grateful this forum exists and I've been able to help others through their pain. I'm also grateful for the wonderful words from members who have helped me in so many ways.

Mitch

 

 

[MartyT]

As good as it can feel to be acknowledged for our efforts, Mitch, it's also useful to consider whether ~ unconsciously or not ~ we may be attaching strings to the gifts we give to others. See, for example, Expecting Gratitude Makes Gifts Lose Their Giftness  ♥

[Margm]

Okay, my opinion and belief is that he is waiting for me.  I would not have been so ready to follow him so quickly.  However anyone else believes is their own business.  I believe it will be perfect no matter how it is.  What about those religions that there will be so many virgins waiting on them.  Okay, he was mine for most of his life............still gonna be mine, and he's gonna know it.  So says this flatlander southern redneck country gal.  Thats how I'm gonna believe.  Might not be scripture, but it is gonna help right now!!!!!!

[kayc]

20 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Thanks Kay. Helping people has always been something I take pride in. I learned a long time ago you get much more satisfaction giving than receiving. I know I'll never have a life that was as wonderful and fulfilling as the life I had with Tammy. But, lending a helping hand, whether it's here or at work, does soothe my aching soul. 

A little off-topic, a little on-topic...

If I have one major "fault" in life, it's that I expect people to sort of be like me. In other words, if I'm invited to dinner I always tell the host how wonderful everything was. Or if someone does something nice, I let them know. Or if someone is having a "good hair day" I tell them. I've found that in that respect, I'm somewhat unusual. So many people tend to not say anything. I've always felt if someone makes an effort to do something, giving them words of kindness will make them feel good about their efforts. I guess that's why, at times, I'm hurt (I'm a bit too sensitive I guess) when I've done something nice or gone out of my way to help, and nothing positive is said to me. I have to learn to not let it bother me because we all react differently to things. It isn't that people aren't appreciative of what I've done, they just don't verbalize everything like I do. I'm working on getting better and more cognizant of this. I think I'm too idealistic in general.

The bottom line here is that I'm grateful this forum exists and I've been able to help others through their pain. I'm also grateful for the wonderful words from members who have helped me in so many ways.

Mitch

 

 

Wow, Mitch, that's very insightful!  I was raised to be a certain way, very strongly, and my parents had a strong sense that they did things the "right way" and others the "wrong way" and they deeply ingrained that in all of us kids.  It's something we've fought our whole lives.  Figuring out that we're all different and letting loose of those judgments or constraints really releases us to enjoy and appreciate people as they are...and them us.  But it's something I still work on!

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Marg M said:

 What about those religions that there will be so many virgins waiting on them.

I don't worry about other religions or beliefs, I know what I believe and that's where my hope lies.   No virgins waiting on George! Haha!

[Margm]

I always thought those virgins were terribly over rated.

[Gwenivere]

I never understood why someone would prefer virgins over someone who knew what they are doing.  

[kayc]

In myBible Commentary (olden days) virgin referred to young, I've been told, not necessarily the way we've come to think of it, so I guess it can have two meanings.

[Gwenivere]

Just a joke, Kay, just a joke.  

[kayc]

I got that!   I was just shedding a little light on it...