rdownes Posted November 17, 2016 Report Share Posted November 17, 2016 Today marks the six month mark Kevin left my world and it feels like an emotional rollercoaster this has already been a hard month harder than the last five, I dred these month marks it just reminds me of how long I have been without him and how much longer I have to go in this long, lonely journey, do the month marks ever fade, I don't get it everyday is hard, everyday is a struggle why does one day have to be so much worse, I am sorry I just want the one thing in this world back that I can't have my Kevin. I am so tired of the loneliness and emptiness. Just an extremely hard few weeks 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted November 17, 2016 Report Share Posted November 17, 2016 I totally understand what you mean Robin. All the "firsts" without our beloved are so gut wrenching and painful. I mean, let's face it, every day is hard but those special days and anniversaries have you reliving so many things in your mind and wishing it was all a bad dream. Truth is, our lives will never be the same. Sure, our pain may ease over time but we will never again have that intense love we shared with our soulmate. All we can do is live our lives the best we can and carry that love inside us. It's that deep love that can potentially keep us moving forward although that deep love can also cause so much anguish and pain. This new life is anything but easy (or simple), that's for sure. That's why it's so wonderful to have a place like Marty's board to be able to vent and share with others who are dealing with the same kind of overwhelming grief. It truly helps. All of us are in this together, it's sort of become our extended family. A family that "gets it", unlike so many other in our lives. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted November 17, 2016 Report Share Posted November 17, 2016 3 hours ago, mittam99 said: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted November 18, 2016 Report Share Posted November 18, 2016 4 hours ago, rdownes said: Today marks the six month mark Kevin left my world and it feels like an emotional rollercoaster this has already been a hard month harder than the last five, I dred these month marks it just reminds me of how long I have been without him and how much longer I have to go in this long, lonely journey, do the month marks ever fade, I don't get it everyday is hard, everyday is a struggle why does one day have to be so much worse, I am sorry I just want the one thing in this world back that I can't have my Kevin. I am so tired of the loneliness and emptiness. Just an extremely hard few weeks I just past the 21st and I don't think it fades. I'm shocked that I have survived for 21 months. The intensity does lessen over time but I think it is different for everyone. My heart aches with you for the same reasons. We can not change the outcome. I am just learning to face each day as it comes; good, bad, or ugly. I'm learning that these feelings have a purpose but they are not meant to rule and direct our life. I remind myself of the tools I need to implement daily to keep progressing on this grief journey. Share the pain here somehow helps get it out of my brain and circular reasoning and able to face the reality of grief and loss. I am praying you will find what works for you as well. The beauty of this place is with so many people sharing then we can learn from each other and realize that we truly are not alone and isolated with this grief. - Shalom 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted November 18, 2016 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2016 Thank you so much Mitch and George it definitely helps in knowing that we are not alone in this journey it just breaks my heart what has brought us together, I thought I was finding my way, thought I was doing ok but I don't feel that anymore, I know I have my love for Kevin and I know he still loves me but Mitch you are so right sometimes that love can bring to much pain, it hurts so much at times that there is no word to describe it, but we keep going, I just feel beyond broken lately hugs to all. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Polly Posted November 18, 2016 Report Share Posted November 18, 2016 1 hour ago, rdownes said: Thank you so much Mitch and George it definitely helps in knowing that we are not alone in this journey it just breaks my heart what has brought us together, I thought I was finding my way, thought I was doing ok but I don't feel that anymore, I know I have my love for Kevin and I know he still loves me but Mitch you are so right sometimes that love can bring to much pain, it hurts so much at times that there is no word to describe it, but we keep going, I just feel beyond broken lately hugs to all. I know what you mean when you said you thought you were doing ok but not anymore. That kept happening to me. I have been feeling and doing a little better these past 2 weeks. I'm hoping I keep going in this direction. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted November 18, 2016 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2016 I hope it keeps going in that direction for you to Polly we truly need some peaceful days grief can feel like it consumes your entire soul at times. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 18, 2016 Report Share Posted November 18, 2016 6 hours ago, rdownes said: thought I was doing ok but I don't feel that anymore We do as "okay as we can"...it's never the same again and there's a roller coaster of ups and downs before we adjust. I don't look at the 19th of the month any more any differently than other days, although we married on the 19th and he died on the 19th. I did the first year though, it slowly faded to the anv. of death, bdys, our anv., holidays, anytime I went through something major and just the usual everyday missing him. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JJ660 Posted November 23, 2016 Report Share Posted November 23, 2016 I was wondering the same. I always know when the 13th is approaching because my mood changes. It's like I instinctively know. I think it's also tough right now with the upcoming holidays. I can be around family and friends, yet still feel so alone. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted November 23, 2016 Report Share Posted November 23, 2016 Today Ron is gone 9 months, three quarters of a year. Been through this 23rd date 9x. When Ron left, he set an alarm on my phone that I've written about. It just went off 4 minutes ago. I was in my office and said to my business partner and office intern, "well, exactly three quarters of a year ago RIGHT now, Ron died". It came out without tears, but with depressed, begrudging matter-of-factness. I shake my head quickly as if to shake the memories of Thanksgivings past from off my brain when they pop in my head. We spend our lives celebrating and remembering dates from holidays to birthdays. It makes sense that our dates will always be prominent markers. Have you noticed that wedding anniversary dates, dates we met, etc. were most remembered and celebrated by only the two of you? Seems like these dates of loss slowly become that, it's just us alone who have this indelibly burned into our minds. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted November 24, 2016 Report Share Posted November 24, 2016 Yes, I think that is true, Patty. Only those here recognized my anniversary because I mentioned it. Sadly, I cannot tell you my parent's anniversary, only their birthdays, and of course the dates of their deaths, which each coincided with the births of my son and one grandson. They haunt my brain alongside the meaningful dates of my husband and daughter. Another thing we "learn to live with". 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted November 24, 2016 Report Share Posted November 24, 2016 Patty, Hard time for you. Wish you some kind of peace. Gin 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted November 29, 2016 Report Share Posted November 29, 2016 My Kev will be gone 6 mos on Dec 12.. The twelfth of each month is a day I don't look forward to. I relive that last morning together over and over in my head....the last time I looked in that familiar face and those eyes..noticing the change with age and loving it...knowing he and I had spent 30yrs together and was hoping for quite a few more... And His kiss.. I relive the drive on the interstate ..the last words he said..those last few moments before the impact..thankfully I don't remember that..I must have been knocked unconscious..next thing I remember is the EMT putting me on the board, oh how it hurt... Then, I heard him doing his job....calling out each item he removed off my person...I.e, earring.... I felt him cut my clothes and ask ..what about the driver?? !! No pulse!!?? My mind exploded with the thought.." Today is the day I say goodbye to Kev.!!!???!!! The VA cemetery flashed in my mind..( we had just visited on Memorial Day) and I saw a tombstone with his name...DOB and tried to remember what the date was that day..then passed out again.. Next memory is the responding police officer asking me questions in the hospital... I drove by the spot on I95 S....about a month back...and..it's just a PC of ground ...my life changed forever that day ..and it's just a pc of ground... A paradox Thanks for listening....Marie 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 29, 2016 Report Share Posted November 29, 2016 Marie, I'm so, so sorry ~ and yes, we are listening, and we hear you . . . ♥ 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted November 29, 2016 Report Share Posted November 29, 2016 Thanks Marty... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 29, 2016 Report Share Posted November 29, 2016 OMG, Marie, that's a rough way to learn your husband died, I'm so sorry. (((hugs))) 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted November 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2016 Marie I can only imagine how hard that was on you my heart goes out to you this is such a hard journey full of so many sad and painful memories that can consume us at times, even tho I have accepted my husband died from an overdose I still go over in my head the one question I will never have an answer to "why drugs" it hurts alot at times, I remember you saying how your husband swirved to take the impact that shows how much he loved you and wants you here no matter how hard it is, I know it is hard the world stays the same while we are FOREVER changed it sucks hugs 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted November 30, 2016 Report Share Posted November 30, 2016 Thanks ... Yes, it sucks... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted November 30, 2016 Report Share Posted November 30, 2016 I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to survive while your husband did not and you must have been quite injured yourself Marie. You have scars on the outside to go with the ones in your heart. I'm so sorry. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted November 30, 2016 Report Share Posted November 30, 2016 Marie, I'm so, so sorry. We have a hard enough time time revisiting places that hold good memories for us, much less the terrible one that took your love away. My heart goes out to you. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted December 1, 2016 Report Share Posted December 1, 2016 Thanks Karen...Thanks everyone that listens, supports me and offers kind words of compassion . Its funny that the little things bring back memories or make something painful. Take care all, Marie 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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