Meaning

[Gwenivere]

I'm about to go to counseling and I was thinking about how many ways we describe this emptiness and grief.  Last night it was like a little epiphany.  Nothing we all don't know, but I could never find the succinct words.

We all lost that one person who gave meaning to our life just by existing.  The other important and irreplaceable part is they did that for us.  Some of us are fortunate to have close family and friends, some are not.  Some find them a burden, others a blessing.  But deep down, the crux of it is that two people in the whole world found each other and just by existence created a meaning no job or creative passion can compete with.  

Ive been waking up for months in a despair unlike any other and kept writing it off as missing him, knowing I will never see him in my life, the little day to day things eve did or said.  It sounds very much the same until I realized I truly mattered to someone.  That my very existence gave meaning to them.  All I had to do was turn that mirror around to see the same for me.  

It explains so much why I wander thru life now without feeling I matter at all.  Well, I matter in limited ways to some, but not as to make thier life matter to them.  There are other bonds, parent/child, siblings, best friends and they all carry meanings also that when lost are terribly hard. But this was that person we chose, and they us, to commit everything to no matter what.  My bond with my mother was not of my choosing.  Friends were choices, but they are not the same Totality. None of these people I so loved were the miracle of finding that soulmate.  Many never do.  They marry and commit, but retain limits.   Even pets are chosen, but not equally.  They don't get a say even tho the bond becomes deep.  They were waiting for anyone to take them into thier lives.

Ok, this wasn't succinct, but it sure as heck made me understand fully why getting up every day seems so pointless right now.  Seeing how much larger that void is and knowing that when I do it again tomorrow, it will be so hard.  

I want to matter to that someone so much that they can't imagine life without me as I am living what it is like to lose that and getting it back.  No matter what I do every day, I know that my living is not giving meaning to anyone anymore but for short periods of time.  I also see how you parents get at least a taste of meaning for being in the lives of the products of your chosen partner.  But they break away to thier own lives just as we did.

thank gawd for this place because I often don't know if I am making any sense, but I can at least give it a try here.  If not, well, I got to purge some random neurons firing needing an outlet.  

[marsha]

Gwen, you make perfect sense to me. And you got to the crux of it all. We chose each other - and then committed to it, with the compromise, love, sweat and tears that go into a real relationship. When Joe died, all that died with him - it was just me left, bereft. I'm at 8 1/2 years, but believe me, I can feel this (at times) as strongly now as it was then. I hope your counseling session provides some comfort to you - tell your therapist the exact words you said to us. Hugs, Marsha

[Marie Lee]

Oh my goodness Gwen, you are soo right on...yes, we chose our partners and our existence meant something to them.. NOW I am finding out how rare that is...that makes the loneliness even more profound.

I am fortunate to still have my mom. And we had children that are grown with their own families...and have blessed me with two 

beautiful grandbabies...

As you stated....they have their own lives to lead...so how do I do this in my own?

I Give you props on your decision for a grief counselor. Thanks for this beautiful group of people...y'all help me stay sane...

 

hugs, Marie

[Brad]

Gwen - it makes perfect sense.  The things I miss are those glances back and forth that say so much, the touches, the knowing that we both are the most important thing to each other; nothing can compete.  The kids and grandkids are wonderful but it isn't the same.  We talk frequently but I still spend the vast majority of my days listening to music, hiking, playing on the computer and reading; all solitary activities.  When Deedo was here, even if she was cooking and I was back in the den creating lesson plans, that solitude was not the same as this is.

[KATPILOT]

Gwen what are proper words to describe this emptiness and grief?  Marsha has it right about using the same description as you just wrote down here.  You touched upon a concept that I realized long ago.  It's the best feeling in the world to have that someone who could never imagine their life without us. That mirror you speak of? It's the closeness two people have when they meld into each other. When you click and be that couple you talk for hours. Sometimes you sit so close to each other without even speaking which is a communication like nothing else. Unless you fall in love with someone else that just can never be the same. If you don't fall in love again you will live a different life. It will be missing that piece just as that person we love will be missing. Maybe it's possible to love more than one person but if that was true I doubt the love could be equal. Somebody has to be second string. Having said all that, we might have to face the rest of our lives with that emptiness but it doesn't mean we can't find a purpose for our existence and matter just enough to others that we can somehow keep going. I will never smile that deeply again but I will smile.  Easy for me to say. I've had six years missing that special someone. And I'm still standing.

[Widowedbysuicide]

At just a year I feel so terrified by my future.  My husband was too good to me for so many years and in so many ways that I question how can anything less have any real meaning.  My mother-in-law passed just a few weeks ago and all I could think of was that she was so fortunate to be joining my husband in heaven.  What kind of brain feels jealous of someone else's death?  Mine.

I love what you have written Gwen. ?

[brat#2]

Gwen, thank you for actually putting my feelings into words.  All the other relationships we have in life can't compare to the one we had with that special person we chose to completely give ourselves to and them to us.  

Joyce

 

[Gwenivere]

Thank you for all your input.  It's helpful knowing a clearer answer and so many understanding how deep this goes.   Still leaves us seeking solutions, if there are any and that it something I don't think there is.  Adapt seems to be the key word.  I can adapt to a new lamp.  This?  Hardest challenge ever.

As I was writing I had to take a call about utilities billing and they were in Steves name, not mine.  Long story short, the rep found a way I didn't have to drag out the death certificate and POA because the house is in my name only now.  Thought I was done with those more legal erasure.   I was so grateful to the rep for saving me that emotional task, but it knocked me for a loop.  It reminded me of I am alone yet again.  Like I could ever forget.  ?

[rdownes]

Gwen your words express what so many feel  I don't mean to sound corny but you do still matter to someone you matter to Steve and you always will death does not destroy love, is it different now yes can we see them or hold them in our arms no but their love for us is forever present, it is hard to explain but I feel a closer love with/for Kevin I am not going crazy I know that he is physically not here anymore but he lives inside me in everything I do for me that is enough I still chose Kevin today and will till my last breath and I know he will be there awaiting me with open arms.

[rdownes]

Marita it is not only your brain that thinks like that I to would think the same thing after all they are going where sometimes we wish we could be.

[KATPILOT]

10 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

  What kind of brain feels jealous of someone else's death?  Mine.

Marita  I felt a similar feeling myself. Kathy's mom died fifteen months after she did and her dad went five months after that. I said to him after he passed.  "David now you are the lucky one"

[Brad]

Marita - I think it is common.  I'm quite envious when I read or hear of couples passing within a short time of each other.  My wife's brother died nine months before she did and I still don't like the idea that he is with her and I'm not (never really liked the guy).

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

What kind of brain feels jealous of someone else's death?

Mine too.

[kayc]

Gwen,

You have expressed how we all feel...and why this grief is so much harder hitting than any other we've experienced.  it is all encompassing and hits every avenue of our life.  To top it off, they're the one person that loved us unconditionally through thick and thin.  Some people have experienced that with another relationship, I have not.  My sisters love me but they aren't part of my everyday life.  It's just different.

[Widowedbysuicide]

It is a relief to feel normal here.  Elsewhere I am a freak that no one wants to see or hear.  I am grateful for everything I receive here ?

[KATPILOT]

Brad that's where my brief thoughts of killing myself were coming from. It wasn't the despair. It was the need to go after her before she could get too far away.

[KATPILOT]

I still sometimes wonder if I didn't blow it.

[scba]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

We all lost that one person who gave meaning to our life just by existing.  The other important and irreplaceable part is they did that for us.  Some of us are fortunate to have close family and friends, some are not.  Some find them a burden, others a blessing.  But deep down, the crux of it is that two people in the whole world found each other and just by existence created a meaning no job or creative passion can compete with.  

Exactly. Thanks Gwen

[kayc]

Steve,

Don't worry, we'll find them.

[Gwenivere]

In this gawd awful new life it keeps hitting me more every day that I now 'live' grief.  I used to have a life and every now and then someone dear to us would pass on.  It was sad and sobering, but WE continued on together.  If I'm not reading things here,  I am trying to get thru an empty day.  My social life has become therapy and medical apts mostly.  The fallout from being a long time caregiver whose body stayed strong and well functioning because it had to.  Someone shared with me how they did what I find when he died, turned down so many offers of help (bringing in food, sit and visit, taking me out, etc) but I needed to be alone.  Now that I am drowning in that, they have moved on.  Not that I am feeling all that social anyway.  I do what is required to maintain existence.  I know if a Steve could see me he would be so sad about what he had no control over has done.  I feel I've lived many emotions, but this one is by far the loneliest and most isolating because to the world, we look the same.  But we are not who we were at all.  Now I feel like an actress out there.  Then I come home the real me and she is a stranger even to me.  I want to feel accomplished when I do things like clean up, but it's the task that is distracting.  Once done, it's gone.  If I could laugh I would today because my big outing is counseling to talk MORE about it.  I'd rather be chasing sales of Mountain Dew for Steve as I could never keep the supply up.  In my old world, that was accomplishment and rewarding.  

No describing to anyone on the outside this dark and cold life.  Grief will be here to stay, but it does scare me how it has taken over right now.  So much so I care so little about anything anymore.  The slightest chores seem annoying yet sitting and doing nothing is just as maddening.  I hate the TV being on all evening but silence is worse.  The restlessness swirls inside all the time.

[marsha]

Gwen - If Steve were here and it was you who died - he would be going through the same thing, the same feelings. 

I feel you about the social thing, too. At six months, my neighbors put a note on my door (at Christmas) "BE HERE!" and they literally walked me over, in my sweatpants. The thing is, and I was absurdly grateful for it - your true friends are there, and will be there, in the long run. I've found this to be the case (even 4 or 5 years later). Don't be concerned about it right now. You just aren't you now, and there's no shame or weirdness about it, because it's the real truth. You'll change, but it will be so slowly that you won't realize it until you look back on it. 

Oh, and I'll share again what I've shared before - a fellow widow described year 2 as "being on speed in a straightjacket". (I know I didn't spell that right, but whatever!) But oh, so true. It describes the lack of motivation, restlessness, all it it - perfectly. 

[iPraiseHim]

On 1/4/2017 at 11:24 PM, Gwenivere said:

Thank you for all your input.  It's helpful knowing a clearer answer and so many understanding how deep this goes.   Still leaves us seeking solutions, if there are any and that it something I don't think there is.  Adapt seems to be the key word.  I can adapt to a new lamp.  This?  Hardest challenge ever.

As I was writing I had to take a call about utilities billing and they were in Steves name, not mine.  Long story short, the rep found a way I didn't have to drag out the death certificate and POA because the house is in my name only now.  Thought I was done with those more legal erasure.   I was so grateful to the rep for saving me that emotional task, but it knocked me for a loop.  It reminded me of I am alone yet again.  Like I could ever forget.  ?

Yep. I needed to pull up last years tax return and across the top was my wife's name "Rose Anne" followed by "DECEASED" 02/16/2015...  Thanks for the reminder,  like I could ever forget.  2016 return I will have to file SINGLE... just another reminder that she is not here. - Shalom

[brat#2]

Gwen, I know what you mean by when you look at yourself you don't know who you are anymore, I feel the same way.  Being with Dale gave me such contentment and he made me feel confident and I just don't feel that way anymore.  It is only here that we can say this and everyone understands, if you haven't been through losing that important, special person in your life you just can't understand.

Joyce

 

[kayc]

Another friend died today.  That's four since Thanksgiving.  The hazard of knowing a lot of old people.   I don't think we ever get used to it.

[Gwenivere]

Marsha, it's wonderful you had neighbors that cared enough to at least get you to try being social and that it worked.  Unfortunately I am alone, no family or friends where I live.  Everyone I am close to is long distance.  There are people I enjoy seeing where I volunteer, but we don't socialize as thier lives are full.  I don't write this for pity, it's just the way things became when Steve left.  When he was here his social connections were mine to a point.  I did have a couple of good friends, but circumstances changed and they moved away.  I'm just amazed that so many changes happened beside losing him.  I think we reach an age that forming those connections become harder because people have filled thier lives and are limited on how much more than can include.  Way back in my 20's and 30's we had room.  Now in my 60's they have kids and grandkids And friends that came with those choices.   We never had any kids so it limited involvement.  It's but another challenge grief has brought as a side effect.