A&K Posted August 1, 2018 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2018 I wonder If he killed himself because I was still having a hurt heart from when he was unfaithful towards me. I forgave him but I couldn’t forget and let it go. Maybe guilt got to him because I couldn’t let it go. All I know is he was a loving daddy and was so looking forward to our new baby come Dec. i also know he couldn’t get over finding his father when he killed himself. And losing our kids. It was too much. But I loved him. And even though I couldn’t let the affair go he knew how much I loved him. There is no answer. Just so much regret and pain and loneliness. 😔 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted August 1, 2018 Report Share Posted August 1, 2018 Please don't torture yourself with these thoughts. You both were under a tremendous amount of stress and pain the last couple of years. No blame on any of you. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted August 1, 2018 Report Share Posted August 1, 2018 I understand how your brain is full of these thoughts while your heart is aching. If you can try to divert your brain to the good memories and trust in God that everything will be ok it sure will help you at this really traumatic time. Any death is difficult to understand and cope with. Suicide is different in ways only survivors understand. You need all the best health care you can get. Physical and mental health care. I sent you an email so I hope you get it. You are doing a great job of growing you new beautiful girl. That is a good focus. She will bring you and the boys such great joy. Thinking of you tonight Katie ❤️ 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted August 1, 2018 Report Share Posted August 1, 2018 Dear Katie, I do not think that anything someone does or doesn’t do has anything to do with someone ending his life. Suicide is an act that is personal. The person only wants to end their pain. This is what I believe. I do not believe that what your Allen did has anything to do with anything you did or didn’t do. You are a loving and caring person and I believe Allen knew that. We would like to blame ourselves but I don’t believe that is what is going on with suicide. I wrote an article after Allen ended his life on this earth that might help you. I will add it as an attachment so those who don’t want to read it will not see it unless they want to read it. It’s my personal opinion only. I know you loved him. I know he loved you and all his family. I wish I could take this unbelievable situation you are in and go back a few weeks but we both know that I can’t make it better for you. What I can do is be here to listen without judgment. That is what we do here on the forum. I believe what others are saying ~ you are doing a good job of caring for your family. "Wondering" is normal. Nourish your body right now. Breathe. Rest when you are able. Hold Caleb and Ryan tight. Anne When someone you know dies of suicide your world narrows and all your thought goes to that one act.docx 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted August 1, 2018 Report Share Posted August 1, 2018 I will tell you that was one of the most inspirational posts I have read. And, I think that is all I can say. My heart is with you. We all hurt and there is not a one of us here that wishes we could not help in some way. Wishes we could lighten your load. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted August 1, 2018 Report Share Posted August 1, 2018 Thank you for sharing that Anne. Your words and sentiment are full of truth. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 1, 2018 Report Share Posted August 1, 2018 Thank you, Anne, you expressed our myriad of thoughts and emotions well. Katie, it really isn't about you, it's about Allen and HIS pain and he dealt with it. I'm not even sure I can say that someone CHOOSES suicide...it seems to be more about how they are feeling than their conscious choices and thoughts. You are a wonderful, wonderful person, and he was so lucky to have you in his life! You have been a wonderful wife and mother and you are so deserving. I don't know why some people can handle life and some can't. I do know that your family has been through more than anyone I know. I can both understand Allen and NOT understand all at the same time! Like Anne said, we feel anger that he "did this" to you and the kids...except he DIDN'T "do this" to you and the kids, in his world it was about him and HIS pain! I don't know that there IS any "making sense" of suicide. I can say it isn't about you, but it DOES sure as hell AFFECT you! Unfortunately. And that is a hard thing to deal with as I'm sure Marita can attest. I had a coworker commit suicide, I'd known him all his life, we worked together in a small office, it was a family run business and he was the owner's son. Very hard. I saw what the family went through. I can only say the counseling they got really helped them as well as their faith, but suicide can shake anyone's faith to the core. I thank God you have your family there and pray they will be a support and foundation for you and the kids. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A&K Posted August 1, 2018 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2018 Thank you all thank you Anne for your words you so eloquently wrote in your article. I know in my mind his suicide was not about me. It was his pain. But in my heart things are different. I read your words and I started crying. Something I’ve yet to do in the nine days since his suicide. It hurts. Today im caring for a sick baby boy and teething as well. Katie 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A&K Posted August 2, 2018 Author Report Share Posted August 2, 2018 😢 i cant stop the tears tonight. It hurts so bad. There aren’t enough words. I want it to stop. I want my children who are gone back. And I want my Allen back. None of it is fair. None of it. None of this pain is right. None of it. My friends here at home try to make me feel better but they don’t know the hurt. I don’t blame them. I just want out of this. I really do. I know there’s no way out only through. But the hurt is so thick to trudge through right now. 😢 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 2, 2018 Report Share Posted August 2, 2018 It will become more bearable eventually, but it may be a long while before it gets there. You have a beautiful family, I'm so sorry you're missing so many of them. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted August 2, 2018 Report Share Posted August 2, 2018 I’m so sorry you are having so much pain. It may sound strange, but I’m glad to hear you are crying. That says to me it was inside you and needed a release. I don’t know if it will ease any of your pain, but it will let you vent some pent up stress with the situation. I didn’t have any kids around so would sob and even scream, anything to get it out. You are carrying so much, you deserve to 'drop your pack' and have some ME time. My thoughts are with you. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted August 2, 2018 Report Share Posted August 2, 2018 Breathing and believing in yourself is good for you. Hugs💓 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted August 2, 2018 Report Share Posted August 2, 2018 ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A&K Posted August 2, 2018 Author Report Share Posted August 2, 2018 Saturday would be our 11th wedding anniversary. We had Noah two years before very young. So he was there. And Caleb was in my belly at our wedding. My heart hurts. I can’t sleep tonight. I’m talking to Allen in my head. How I wish he could answer. I loved him with my whole heart. These nine days since he left this world have been a whirlwind especially now it’s getting very raw and painful. I’m a widow at age thirty and don’t see how the future will be. I don’t see healing. How? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 2, 2018 Report Share Posted August 2, 2018 I've found it helps to try not to think about the whole rest of your life, it's overwhelming and it invites anxiety and fear. Try to stay in today. When the thought of the future arises, put up the hand to it, remind yourself, just do today. Then get up tomorrow and do it all over again...that's the only way I know to do this. As for healing, it takes so much time and effort, it's a process, I'm not sure it's ever fully completed. I know we're never the same again. But we do learn to live our lives, I know some here haven't figured out how to do that yet, I hate to tell you how long it takes, I don't want to scare you, it took me years, but that's okay, we have years, and if not we're out of it and it's a moot point, right? Just do today... Love you, Katie! (((hugs))) 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted August 2, 2018 Report Share Posted August 2, 2018 Beautiful pictures, dear Katie. How our hearts are hurting for you. We're all lifting you up in prayer and hopes for peace and healing ~ as Kay says, one day, one hour, one moment at a time ❤️ 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted August 2, 2018 Report Share Posted August 2, 2018 I just read this post over on AfterTalk. Sharing it here: Suicide: The Turning Point ❤️ 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted August 3, 2018 Report Share Posted August 3, 2018 Beautiful pictures Katie! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 3, 2018 Report Share Posted August 3, 2018 Marty, thanks for sharing that, again, I want to share it on my other forum as there's some new losses due to suicide. I especially love the point made that no one can be responsible for another. So true! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A&K Posted August 3, 2018 Author Report Share Posted August 3, 2018 I have been reading all your replies and I appreciate each of them. I wish I had words individually today is a bad day. I had to let my friend take Ryan home with her. I’m a mess. My heart literally aches. I can feel it with each beat. I thought I’d only feel that because my babies died but now that Allen is gone I put my hand on my chest and it hurts. I was just getting into grieving for the babies and Noah and Gracie now my other half is gone and I’m lost. I can’t make sense of anything now. I want to be alone but I don’t. I think I’m crazy. 💔😢 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted August 3, 2018 Report Share Posted August 3, 2018 Katie, my dear, I can assure you that you are NOT crazy. The situation you're in, the circumstances of your life as it is now ~ THAT is what is crazy. It's not YOU. How in the world can anyone expect to make any sense of what has happened to you? Please don't expect that of yourself! I repeat, you are NOT crazy! You are immersed in catastrophic and overwhelming loss and, if anything, you are in a state of shock. How could you be anywhere else? But you are not alone. We are here, we hear you, and we are listening . . . 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted August 3, 2018 Report Share Posted August 3, 2018 Thinking of you Katie ❤️🙏 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A&K Posted August 4, 2018 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2018 It nearly 3:00 in the morning and I’m exhausted. But I can’t force myself to sleep. I’m resting as I can so I don’t end up in the hospital again. Im so heartbroken. There are no words to describe. Allen had an affair that I forgave him for. He was so apologetic. We were in therapy. He was in therapy alone. We were looking forward to our new baby in dec. in fact we found out we were expecting a baby girl a few days prior to his suicide. We were happy seeing Ryan reaching his new milestones as he just turned one. And we were getting over the hump with Caleb with his bipolar. Yet none of this means anything anymore. He’s gone. He’s gone. HES GONE! 💔😢 I’m 30. He was 30. It’s over. We are done. How can this be. His last gift to me will be our baby girl coming in dec. how can it be over at 30? No growing old together. No watching the kids grow up. No more anniversaries. Today would be our 11th anniversary. We would have gone away overnight. But it’s never to be. My heart hurts... 💔😢 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted August 4, 2018 Report Share Posted August 4, 2018 Katie ❤️ I know you are really hurting and I'm so sorry. All I can offer you is my hopes and prayers. Your life as you knew it is done but there is more life and living to do. I have no idea what it will be like but I know that you have angels on earth and in heaven that want you to have a great life. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A&K Posted August 4, 2018 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2018 Thank you Marita. I know you’ve grappled with and suffered through the suicide of your love. So I take your words very much to heart. Please know that. ♥️ 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now