shebert56 Posted August 19, 2018 Report Share Posted August 19, 2018 How does one begin an introduction, when introduction just doesn't seem fit. I lost Stephen on August 10. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. Details too long and tender to post, but Stephen had in May been diagnosed with myeloma. He had back surgery to remove a tumor, and had just finished his first cycle of chemo treatment. Week of August 5 was his off treatment week. On Thursday, I awoke to find him unresponsive. He was rushed to ER, spent two days in ICU with just about every complication imaginable, and by Friday, we let him go. His brother was here from New Jersey, and his business partner/best friend were with me at the end. Stephen went quietly and peacefully, even though that description is a blessing, it's not comforting in the core of me. A little about Stephen. We were "seconds" in each other's lives. We met online in 2001, and in 2006, we moved in together, then married in 2009. We have no children either past or together. We have an 8 year old furry child, a westie named Louie. Stephen was the kindness, funniest, most caring, empathetic man I have ever met, and he treated me like I was the most important person in his life. We never argued, seldom were snippy, laughed, cooked together, danced around the house, had good wine. We fished, worked in the yard, cleaned house together. He wanted to share everything with me. It was an amazing life. I am 61 and just retired October of last year, as Stephen's work gave me that blessed opportunity. He was 55, with a full life ahead of him. I am devastated. I go to sleep, but wake early. The mornings are horrible in this house without him. I look for Stephen everywhere. Everywhere. I try to have moments of normal in each day, cleaning the house, cutting the lawn, washing the car, giving attention to the pup. But it fills just the smallest bit of the day. The grief sometimes is beyond bearing. It feels like my guts have been ripped out. Any food I managed to get into my mouth is hard to swallow, then feels as though it won't stay down. Sometimes I'm doing something, then I feel paralyzed and can't move forward. The walls close in, so I spend at much time as I can sitting outdoors. I allow myself to grieve, letting it pass through me. I have good neighbors who have brought food and checked in on me. I don't have a circle of friends. I have an amazing older sister, my best friend, who traveled this path years ago, and was a part of this community. She lives in another state, but she has been my rock in validating everything I'm experiencing. She's there for me 24-7 if I need her. Everything happened so so fast. I am not angry with God. I'm not religious, I'm more spiritual. I don't question any of the care Stephen received in ICU, because I saw it first hand. The doctors and nurses worked nonstop and did not give up until the end. I am just numb, and my heart is broken into pieces. I loved him so much, and I miss him terribly..... ~Shirley 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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