It hurts so bad

[Amy Mcleod]

I lost my 43 yr old husband 21 days ago in a fatal motorcycle crash , he was the center of my world and had a heart the size of the ocean. Everyday of our life was a adventure some good some bad .. but we were partners in everything. We had a very active life , we rode horses , ATV's. motorcycles , went camping . In 2015 on the 30th day of October he had a near fatal heart attack and was not expected to live but he by a miracle of god he did . He died 3 yrs to the day 10/30/18 on his new Harley i wanted him to have because he had over come so much . I don't know how i am going to go on in this pain , i have to for my children but what if it never lets up the feeling that my heart is torn in to a million pieces , i walk around on the verge of tears everyday all the time. i loved being his wife and do not see ever being able to remarry or anything . i am only 41 how am i going to live the rest of my life this way ?? any advice would help 

[Gin]

So sorry, Amy.   it is a very hard road we all have to travel.  My Al has been gone 3 years and I am still miserable.  The horrible raw pain subsides but is always near the surface.  I hope you have family and friends to support you.  Please come here as often as you need to.  Everyone here has been thru this and are very supportive.     Gin

[Margm]

Amy,, I am not qualified to give any official advice.  I can only empathize with your feelings.  Billy left October 17, 2015.  My reaction, plan was to follow him with the idea that our kids and grandkids already were faced with losing him so if I went along with him, it would get all the sorrow over at once.  I had it planned out where I would not be found till lots later (those Arkansas national forest roads are dark, long, and deep.)  Of course, to someone who is not thinking right, this sounded sensible.......but wait, I have a mustard seed amount of faith, what if I didn't go with him.  I hesitated and my kids found out what my plans were and on top of the grief I suffered terrible anger from them that I would do that to them.  But, I was thinking only of myself being unable to live without him.  There were those times that I would cry until there was no breath left and it seemed so easy to just not breathe.  I wanted that peace, the kind you want right now, but you have people you are responsible to, we actually cannot be that selfish.  It has not been easy.  We had 54 years together.  I was him, he was me.  Take away  one and you took both of us.  

I have spent three years now thinking  that it will soon be my time.  In the meantime, I have to live.  I went to physical therapy today to get my "WD40" that this old tin man has not had in three years waiting to follow Billy.  I will tell you this, this past spring was the first time since he left that I noticed the fluorescent greens of new trees, the tulip trees, the daffodils.  I could not even acknowledge the changing of the seasons and still have not put on makeup.  I probably won't do that even though a little red paint helps any old barn.  

Take your time.  Your going to grieve.  If you are cut deep enough, you bleed.  Eventually, most times, that wound will scar over, but it will always be there.  Sometimes in the future, you will even laugh again.  And, you will feel guilty.  Then it will happen again.  I cannot promise you happiness ever again like you had, but I promise (unless you allow it, like I intended to do), you will learn to live with it.  How you handle that depends on how you allow yourself to live and live for your children.  Even when they are grown they will be very hurt if they even think you would leave them.  People say "keep busy" like that is going to help..  One night you will look up at the moon and you will talk to your husband and you will feel like he heard you..  The surprising thing will be you saw the moon.  You are still living.  

Keep reading.  Various amounts of time and various losses.  The heat of the flames is bad enough, some of our members walked on the bare coals.  But that is why we all are here.  You open your heart.  You do not have to be brave.  I found this forum three days after Billy left me, I have to believe he helped me.

[MartyT]

4 hours ago, Amy Mcleod said:

am only 41 how am i going to live the rest of my life this way ?? any advice would help 

My dear Amy, I hope you will listen to the warm and caring voices you will find here, as you are among kindred spirits. You are not alone when you are here with us.

For right now, the best piece of advice I can offer you is this: Don't even think about the rest of your life. It's way too big and too impossible to digest. Instead, just think about being right here, right now. One day at a time. Your task right now is just to get through today, and then to get through tonight. And if that is too much, work on getting through the next few hours. Tomorrow just work on getting through that day alone. And let it be enough ♥️

[Gwenivere]

Losing my husband was expected, so I never know quite what to say to sudden loss.  You came close 3 years ago and know the fear.  I am facing my 5th year alone.  I have no obligations to children and am 22 years older.  But I do know that losing our best friend, a connection that the word love is inadequate, is so deep we cannot fathom life without them, no matter the cause or age.  Your loss is so new.  Marty is right, this isn’t the time to think far down the road.  You are dealing with an injury that in triage would have you at the front of the line.  I don’t know the ages of your children, but they will be in grief too if they are more than toddlers and that adds to yours, tho theirs is different.  I also don’t know if you have support of family and friends.  I had many people at the time that made me feel smothered and when I did come to need them, too much time had passed for those that don’t understand this kind of loss.  I’m so sorry you were pulled into what feels like a nightmare.  You aren’t alone tho.  Everyone here knows the pain.  The hurt, the disbelief.  The sudden  death people will have much more to offer, but we all listen and know how you’ve been ripped in two.  How part of you has died too.  You won’t live the rest of your life this way, but those are only words on a screen right now.  And you won’t live as you planned.  Crying is good, natural. It’s a release/reaction to the pain.  I spent nights literally screaming in agony.  Again, natural.  Everything you feel is.  

I am so sorry you are here.  The admission cost is astronomical and so unfair.  But it is a safe place to express anything.  This family has gotten me through some tough times and always will.  

[Margm]

15 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 The admission cost is astronomical and so unfair.  But it is a safe place to express anything.

Well said Gwen.  

[widow'15]

Amy:  So sorry to read your introduction to this forum.  I lost my beloved husband in April 2015 unexpectedly.  Your happy marriage was not nearly as long as mine.  All of us here have different stories but all of us were not ready to say goodbye to our partners.  The only advice I can tell you that has gotten me to this point, is as others have mentioned, is "Take only one day at a time".  

You along with your children will have much to deal with in the coming years.  I was sixteen when my Dad unexpectedly died as the result of an automobile accident.  Hopefully you will have family and friends living around you for support.  This on-line discussion group has gotten me through many a rough spot just by my signing on and reading that what I am is feeling at the moment has been experienced by others.  This tells me I am not losing my mind.  Take care of yourself and your children.  Dee

[kayc]

Amy,

I am so sorry, it's the hardest thing we can go through.  I remember those early days, the anxiety and panic, I didn't see how I could do the whole "rest of my life", I didn't see how I could do a week without George!  Try not to think about the whole rest of your life, it's too much, overwhelming, and it invites anxiety.  The best piece of advice I've ever gotten was to do a day at a time, break it down into an hour if need be, or even just the next minute.

I wrote this article on what I've learned has helped me over the years (it's been 13 now) and my hope is even one thing will stand out to you.  It's meant to print out and look at every few months as different things resonate with you at different parts of your journey.  Our grief journey is unique and ever evolving.  I'm glad you have your kids, they're great incentive to keep going.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[CairnLady]

Amy,

I’m so very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and your children. I too lost my beloved husband suddenly and traumatically  in July 2016.

Your grief is so raw and overwhelming at this point. When you feel you have the strength, I would like to suggest a book that I found to be most valuable to me on my grief journey. 

“I Wasn’t Ready To Say Goodbye - surviving, coping, & healing after the sudden death of a loved one”

My prayers for you and your children. 

[Amy Mcleod]

Thank you for your kind words ! i just try to make it from one min to the next .

[shebert56]

Amy, I just wanted to send you a warm hug.  We have walked the path that you are on now.  Come back here to this wonderful family to share your feelings, vent, cry, ask questions.  Anytime, day or night.  This community has been a godsend. You will find unconditional love and support here.  We are here for you.

~Shirley

[kayc]

And here's an article Marty posted in Tools for Healing to help grievers:

 

[kayc]

Thinking of you, Amy, as you're newly grieving, we all remember those early times especially at the holidays.  And Gwen, my heart is with you today too.  

[Gwenivere]

Thank you p, Kay.  I haven’t a clue what to do today.  Can’t even fight the battles I don’t like because everything is closed.  My chest is hurting since I went on  the patch, but Urgent Care is closed so that leaves the ER.  No way I want to spend hours for an X-ray.  Some states are open til about 4, but they are just time killers, I need nothing they can provide.  Be never seen an aisle for peace of mind or solace.  

Just waiting til it’s dark enough to close the blinds and pretend the world doesn’t exist.  I know there are people laughing, eating, enjoying being together.  Homes filled with warmth and love.  It’s not disbelief I feel anymore.  It’s reality and it’s price is so darned high.  My kitchen should be a mess with Steve In there.  It’s off to yet another peanut butter sandwich for me and a burger later.  Paper plates and napkins.  

Bug projects to choose fir tonight....fill my med cases for another week or balance my credit card bill.  Yippie.

[Kieron]

I'm sorry to welcome you to the club no one wants to join, Amy.  Elsewhere in another thread you mentioned how the grief comes "in waves."  That's very true.  Like a giant sea-wave rolling in, all you can do is let it knock you to your knees and bow your head, and then lift it again when you can.

[shebert56]

5 hours ago, Kieron said:

all you can do is let it knock you to your knees and bow your head, and then lift it again when you can.

So so true.  I've learned that you cannot just ignore the waves and try look the other way.  You must ride them, then come out on the other side.  Even though they're painful.

We're here for you Amy.

~Shirley