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I take a Trazodone 50 mg to go to sleep, it seems to work for about four hours.  Then I take a Benedryl, also good for about four hours.  Can't take two Traz. because it wipes me out the next day and because I'm only prescribed one a day so I'd run short.  I can't live on four hours sleep a night so the Benedryl works, besides with my allergies, it can't hurt.  Don't want it in the daytime though as it'd leave me wiped out.  What we do to sleep!  Can't have the wine because of my blood sugar.  Diabetes is a bigger monster than I ever first realized.  Now it's running my life, what I can/can't eat, can't go out to eat here (not many places to choose from and not healthy), WHEN I eat.  Last night I was hungry and ate a sausage before bed, this morning my  BS (blood sugar)  was up.  It can get annoying!  It seems if we live long enough we all have some malady or another we deal with...the other is arthritis which is making it very hard for me to haul my firewood and shovel snow.  This claiming my independence and where I live, little by little.  Old age is a robber.

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I keep seeing other people at my husband’s age who are alive. It keeps bothering me that everyone his age is alive but he is gone.

it is torture to me to have to face this reality every day.

He would have been 71 now. I went to see a movie and seeing all of those people at his age was hurting my heart a lot.

any one has any idea?

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I remember realizing when I was older than my husband ever got to be. He died a few months before his 60th birthday. 

I take Trazadone, too. not sure it helps that much. I cycle in and out of depression (mostly in) and not sleeping well is troublesome. I have toyed with the idea of trying CBD, now legal in my state. Much as I appreciate better living through chemistry, I'm holding off until I see the nurse practitioner. I don't need to make a chemical soup of my bloodstream. 

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9 hours ago, Abas said:

I keep seeing other people at my husband’s age who are alive. It keeps bothering me that everyone his age is alive but he is gone.

it is torture to me to have to face this reality every day.

any one has any idea?

Abas:  I totally understand what you are saying.  The pain of seeing couples going about their lives together is what causes me to have to look away from them or they will see the tears running down my face.  I wish there was some way to take away this feeling of being cheated, but I don't think there is an easy solution.  It is just another part of this miserable grief road we have to walk.  I don't ever wish to take anything away from those couples who are enjoying their lives together, I just wish I still had the feeling of love and comfort once again from that special man that I was married to for 50+ years.  

Your joining this forum and sharing your feelings will hopefully help you face your days.  Please know you are not alone.  Many of us here have voiced your words and feelings.   Warm thoughts, Dee

 

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Abas, how long has it been since you lost your husband?

As Dee said, it does help to express yourself to people who get it.  CBD is legal here but very expensive.  They need to regulate it as all supplies are not equal.  Inside Edition did a segment on it, they sent it to a lab and found one of them only had a trace of CBD in it, others had way less (half) than they'd touted, so it'd important to get a good source.  Check where it comes from and regulation there.  I had my dog on Hemp oil when he had cancer, it was made in WA, got it from Buster's on Amazon.  My sister takes CBD, gets it from Metabolic Design, siys to look for full spectrum. It's expensive though.

 

 

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I don’t know what is going on, but I seem to have moved to this extreme fatigue not long after I get up, which takes massive effort.  Then I take my panic meds and I cash barely stay awake.  This is the 2nd day.  I’m used to being tired in recovery from my hospital stay, but not like this.  I finally made it to my grief counselor and was looking down and almost fell asleep.  I was very nervous driving.  I felt more alert when I woke up for the bathroom 4 hours after I went to bed.  The walking pain is relentless so I’m guessing that plays a part.  Mentally I am so aware of being without Steve now.  I have an appointment with my shrink tomorrow I have to keep and wish he could drive me.  I know there are cabs and Uber, but I’m not comfortable taking on a new experience on top of seeing this doc I know is stressing me out.  I had been doing a lot since getting home and blame myself for more pain.  I’m not patient in this rest thing, plus they tell me to keep moving.  No one has an answer for the pain beyond injections or meds I’ve tried that make me dizzy.  I keep running into more days with so little to do as I get ahead of myself to fill the long hours.  Last week I couldn’t get away from med people coming by.  Now there is nothing.  I want to sleep, but I don’t think it would do much good and it’s not something I do in the afternoon.  I want to cry and it won’t happen unless I can talk with someone.  Maybe a little, but not the releasing the dam that is really needed.  I have no place to go today that is needed.  No nterest in anything.  I watch people walking by with their dogs or coffee and envy them.  They aren’t tied to pain and oxygen.  Even if they do have problems, they have the motivation to get out a bit.  I have it, but it takes so much preparing.  

That 35 days away really messed me up.  Right on top of the most emotional holiday season for 3 months.  This shrink said to me.....you are still massively depressed.  Well, duh!  I just hope I can make it thru an inquisition as that it the way he is.  I’ve been advised to tell him how I feel about our relationship but worried he might cut me off, tho ethicality that would be wrong.  

Going out for a bit.  Too late to stop at Foss.  A nurse just called to check in on me and was a little help after throwing  out the same old suggestions for contact like church, book clubs, library.  She was working from home and shared she has to get out too as the 4 walls close in.  Keep talking with people that seem to have it far more together.

babble over.  

As always, one person could make this bearable and it’s another day to accept that will not happen. 

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On 2/17/2020 at 12:01 PM, Abas said:

I keep seeing other people at my husband’s age who are alive. It keeps bothering me that everyone his age is alive but he is gone.

it is torture to me to have to face this reality every day.

He would have been 71 now. I went to see a movie and seeing all of those people at his age was hurting my heart a lot.

any one has any idea?

He would have been 37 now. I have the whole life ahead to feel that way as you well said. Sometimes I stare at young couples. I may look like a lunatic.

I keep a pair of sunglasses in my bag for when the tears show up unexpectedly.

So much misery, yes.

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Sometimes it's hard to find meaning in life.  Fortunately I don't feel that all the time, it's hard enough when it drifts my way.  Gwen, you seem in a catch-22, they want you to be active but then you get worn out or feel it's too much.  All you can do is pace yourself, mete it out, rest in between.  I'm like you, I don't sleep in the day, I have a hard enough time sleeping at night, if I did in the daytime it'd throw me way off.  I do hope it gets better for you.  You've been knocked way down and kept there so it's going to take time to come back from that.  I'm one that wants instant results but sometimes that's not realistic.  Darn I wish your psychiatrist had a different demeanor.  Any chance of switching to another one?

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Problem is I tried getting a shrink about a year ago and all were either booked to the gills, not accepting new patients  or a couple didn’t  like my meds.  I’m not going to drain my financial resources finding out from others, plus the long wait.  It would be pricey to find out they wouldn’t prescribe.  So, I feel stuck and still have to meet with the guy I have today.  See what his plan is.  He says he’s going to prescribe, but I don’t know if it will be with refills or a short leash.  Most shrinks give you 6 months.  I hope that is the case as I have so many other things to contend with.  I thought I would have some company tonight, but the guy wants to work his exercise program. Maybe in 2 weeks to help me with some chores.  Been on the phone constantly with insurance and now off to the shrink.  Then picking up something I don’t have to cook.  Have to book an appointment with a vascular doc as my legs are back to swelling and painful.  And this shrink wonders why I am so depressed.  This ought to be interesting as well as challenging.

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The appointment went OK.  I got my RX's refilled and listened closely to gather info he needs to hear to lighten the stress for me.  There was talk of increasing one med, decreasing another that disturbed me.  He said I seemed better than I was last September as he told me how many times I smiled.  He wants me depression free.  It’s a nice goal.  Don’t know if that is attainable.  I knew I couldn’t tell him how I really feel and have him understand.   No one could that hadn’t gone thru the losses we have and then go thru being sent away for 5 weeks to be dumped back in a life now so clear how alone one can be.  I tried to lighten the day a bit, but little worked out.  A store was sold out on a special, where I wanted to get dinner only had one employee making fast food with a half hour wait. I didn’t realize how much I would miss Steve’s buddy not coming by.  I’m amazed how much I almost miss rehab because of human contact.  Beside it would have been great not to have gotten sick, I wouldn’t have been so aware of just how deep this loneliness cuts.  When having to do anything feels like massive work and you can’t find a single thing that feels good except sleep, even if it hurts.  I so miss being touched.  Was it in one of the forums or topics here that grief was defined as love that can’t be given to that someone anymore?  That is so very true.  That wonderful feeling now is killing me slowly every day.  I know the trigger was talking to my rehab roomie as we have been talking about our personal histories.  Her husband is remarried and I talk about Steve so it hangs over my whole night and I know it will be going to bed and start this all over again.  I seem to have been forgotten by PT and OT.  Only heard from a social worker for next week.  She doesn’t have anything to offer.  I hate being invisible in the world.  Sorry, so tired and down......I just babble.  I hope everyone is doing as OK as possible.  

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Sometimes you need to know someone is listening and cares...we're here fore you.

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Gwen, I pulled up a map of Seattle.  I learned to love the west, but never got any further than Northern California and then headed southeast back to the desert country.  (and mountains).  I think I would be very confused with all the islands around you.  It has got to be a humid as it is in the south.  Humidity does not help my sister's COPD.  And, she has an upstairs apartment (her choice).  She said climbing stairs was one thing they had her do in rehab.  She chain smokes thinking the COPD will possibly keep her from having Alzheimer's, or  rather using it as a quicker exit than Mama took.  Mama smoked, but she could make a pack last her two days.  They are so expensive here in Louisiana.  I worry, but I worry about my kids, my grandkids, and I guess that way I don't worry about me.  Nothing they can do for me and chronic depression has followed me around since my teen years, so if you can get used to such a thing, I guess I am acclimated to worrying, though that was one thing that aggravated Billy.  He does not have to worry with it anymore though.  

Hang in there my friend, obviously we are here for some reason.  Heart with you, as usual.  

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Hey, we have mountains here, I live in them...something in Oregon for everybody...ocean, desert, flat farmlands, you name it!

My sister has COPD real bad too, I'm glad she's finally back on her inhaler!

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15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The appointment went OK.  I got my RX's refilled and listened closely to gather info he needs to hear to lighten the stress for me.  There was talk of increasing one med, decreasing another that disturbed me.  He said I seemed better than I was last September as he told me how many times I smiled.  He wants me depression free.  It’s a nice goal.  Don’t know if that is attainable.

No one could that hadn’t gone thru the losses we have and then go thru being sent away for 5 weeks

I didn’t realize how much I would miss Steve’s buddy not coming by.  I’m amazed how much I almost miss rehab because of human contact.

Sorry, so tired and down......I just babble.  I hope everyone is doing as OK as possible.  

Gwen:  Good to hear the appointment with your shrink was bearable and you survived the drive to and from his office.  I can imagine you are relieved the medication was refilled. 

My today turned out to be an adventure in spite of my almost cancelling out.  Maddie had me up three times last night plus having to get up for myself once, I was dragging.  My son picked me up and we went to my 8 year old granddaughter's basketball game.  Holy Moly, have not been around such commotion and noise for ages.  The game didn't last very long, and once home again I was glad I didn't cancel.  I think it did me good to be around a mob of people again.  That's the human contact you're talking about, Gwen.

I learned firsthand how an old lady with a cane demands preference.  I haven't taken my cane out before but since I wasn't sure of the terrain, and my knees are weakening,  I thought it best to bring it with.  People actually stepped aside and/or held the door for me.  I guess I learned there is something positive about getting old.  LOL

And now, I am babbling, too.  Take care.  Dee

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13 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I guess I learned there is something positive about getting old.  LOL

I loved that!  

I had to give Kodie dewormer a couple of days ago, made him really sick, he vomited throughout the day.  Called the vet in the afternoon, they said to give him rice and cottage cheese.  I don't normally have cottage cheese but thankfully had some.  I thought I had cooked white rice in the freezer but it turned out to be chopped onions, finally found a tiny bit in a tupperware container I'd missed throwing out so made that up for him.  Guess I'll have to buy some for when he's sick.  Esp. since I'm so far from everything and can't drive at night, it makes emergency runs difficult.  My neighbors said they have some in survival kits if I ever need some again.
You know, another moot point if George were alive, he'd be glad to make a run for me.  

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On 2/22/2020 at 3:34 AM, Gwenivere said:

I knew I couldn’t tell him how I really feel and have him understand.  

This reminds me of something rattling around in my head.  maybe it's because it's my work performance anniversary/review time and I am conscious of "where I'm at" in life and wondering whether I want to keep doing this and wondering where I want to go from here.  One thing I notice in my day-to-day job (ie something like a public health nurse/case manager) which requires weekly home visits with folks who are struggling with depression (or other mental health condition) and the ripple-effect on their lives (like just getting the simplest thing done such as keeping their health insurance active so they don't fall through the cracks).  That observation rattling around in my head is this:  As I go through my own "stuff" in my personal life, more and more I am able to relate to them and their struggles, feelings, overwhelm etc. and can then approach it from a standpoint of real understanding and support.  Many of my co-workers are younger folks fresh out of college.  As the old work-horse of the bunch, I'm able to give them a reality check if it seems warranted.

Disclaimer: the following paragraph is not directed at anyone, doesn't refer to anyone, and is a very general observation of *some* apparent scenarios from 14 years of doing this kind of work.

I notice some educated professionals tend not to have a personal or deep understanding of their own patients' struggles.  Young, mobile, tanned and super-healthy doctors telling patients to eat right, exercise... slim, snappy-dressed and glowing dietitians talking about diet and weight loss...  peppy and energetic therapists/counselors telling patients about mood and depression.... cheerful, enthusiastic and well-educated psychiatrists prescribing medications they themselves would never condescend to swallow... fresh-faced case managers telling clients how to feel better and get stuff done in life, when just picking up the phone to make a necessary call saps the energy right out of the client. 

The paradoxes in the above are just striking, you know what I mean?...  I think some of this is influenced by what my own clients have told me.  But i think I can safely say that I sort of "get" where my own clients are coming from, in ways that perhaps my own peers don't or can't.  It simultaneously makes my job easier and harder.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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2 hours ago, Kieron said:

But i think I can safely say that I sort of "get" where my own clients are coming from, in ways that perhaps my own peers don't or can't. 

I have always said that you cannot minister to people unless your feet have been raked through the coals.  Your's have Kieron, and I think this makes you an exceptional caregiver.  You understand in the only way that can offer pure empathy and not just sympathy and knowledge from a book.  Angels like you will get your wings someday.  Thank you.  

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I definitely have gained a huge empathy now that I have experienced what I only observed before.  I was never unsympathetic, but I knew I could get up and walk away without pain, didn’t feel the stranglehold of depression, didn’t need oxygen strapped to my face to survive.  Even seeing that in others I thought it could never happen to me.  When it did I felt targeted, like I was somehow more special than others.  I’ve certainly been humbled from that kind of thinking.  Selfishly, I want to go back.  Who wouldn’t want to leave all this inner and outer pain?  But since that isn’t an option, I can try and use the understanding I now have.  The thing I have to be careful about is comparison.  I am worse than some,better than others, tho I can’t think of who beyond residents at the nursing home.  Mentally I don’t know anyone as low as I am.  I called a crisis help line yesterday because I had no one to talk to I felt would understand.  I have my counselors, but I needed someone immediately.  This is a daily thing and having had the 5 week time to interact with others when I was in facilities showed me how alone my existence is that I never saw before.  It was another 'why me?' experience.  One very not needed to keep walking this road alone.  I don’t see a future that has any pluses. I know people older than me living alone, but they have people of great importance in their lives to fuel them.  I do the solitary things they do like taxes, but I’m not sorting pictures to pass along or planning get togethers to refill my souls well.  Don’t have anyone that truly knows me to contemplate my future options as I lose more abilities.  There is a part of me that will never forgive Steve for leaving me.  It’s a taboo thing to say, but I feel it.  He didn’t choose it, but emotions aren’t logical.  I get so angry that he can’t help me with the double load of responsibilities I have now.  I get angry with the dogs for stepping on my oxygen tubing.  I take it way too personally if someone cancels dropping by which is rare anyone does.  His death was like a trial and I lost.  Convicted and serving my sentence.  And I say, honestly, I am innocent.  To not sound totally embittered, I know Steve did not want this to happen.  He would totally understand my anger, sadness and feeling I can’t go on without him.  He wouldn’t be telling me there is purpose, a higher meaning or something I was meant to accomplish.  He knew this was a losing roll of the dice with nature, nothing more.  He stood trial and lost too.  Is he in a better place or exist at all, I don’t know.  All I know is it’s over for him and I envy him that.  He told me he would not want to be the one left behind.  He knew this would be hell and said he wouldn’t be far behind me.  Knowing him, it would have been true.  Maybe we just loved each other too much.  No, no maybe, we did.  I loved our deep relationship but perhaps a more conventional one would have been easier.  I know some widows that have gone on tho they do have friend and family connections.  Mine dried up.  The first year I was saved by mine.  They are gone now.  It wouldn’t be enough now.  After 5 years and who knows how many more, only he will do.  I knew I couldn’t count on others but I never thought he’d be the one to cause me pain I never knew existed.  Yet I love him more everyday.   It’s counterproductive but the way it is.  

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58 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I definitely have gained a huge empathy now that I have experienced what I only observed before.  I was never unsympathetic, but I knew I could get up and walk away without pain, didn’t feel the stranglehold of depression, didn’t need oxygen strapped to my face to survive.  Even seeing that in others I thought it could never happen to me.  When it did I felt targeted, like I was somehow more special than others.  I’ve certainly been humbled from that kind of thinking.  Selfishly, I want to go back.  Who wouldn’t want to leave all this inner and outer pain?  But since that isn’t an option, I can try and use the understanding I now have.  The thing I have to be careful about is comparison.  I am worse than some,better than others, tho I can’t think of who beyond residents at the nursing home.  Mentally I don’t know anyone as low as I am.  I called a crisis help line yesterday because I had no one to talk to I felt would understand.  I have my counselors, but I needed someone immediately.  This is a daily thing and having had the 5 week time to interact with others when I was in facilities showed me how alone my existence is that I never saw before.  It was another 'why me?' experience.  One very not needed to keep walking this road alone.  I don’t see a future that has any pluses. I know people older than me living alone, but they have people of great importance in their lives to fuel them.  I do the solitary things they do like taxes, but I’m not sorting pictures to pass along or planning get togethers to refill my souls well.  Don’t have anyone that truly knows me to contemplate my future options as I lose more abilities.  There is a part of me that will never forgive Steve for leaving me.  It’s a taboo thing to say, but I feel it.  He didn’t choose it, but emotions aren’t logical.  I get so angry that he can’t help me with the double load of responsibilities I have now.  I get angry with the dogs for stepping on my oxygen tubing.  I take it way too personally if someone cancels dropping by which is rare anyone does.  His death was like a trial and I lost.  Convicted and serving my sentence.  And I say, honestly, I am innocent.  To not sound totally embittered, I know Steve did not want this to happen.  He would totally understand my anger, sadness and feeling I can’t go on without him.  He wouldn’t be telling me there is purpose, a higher meaning or something I was meant to accomplish.  He knew this was a losing roll of the dice with nature, nothing more.  He stood trial and lost too.  Is he in a better place or exist at all, I don’t know.  All I know is it’s over for him and I envy him that.  He told me he would not want to be the one left behind.  He knew this would be hell and said he wouldn’t be far behind me.  Knowing him, it would have been true.  Maybe we just loved each other too much.  No, no maybe, we did.  I loved our deep relationship but perhaps a more conventional one would have been easier.  I know some widows that have gone on tho they do have friend and family connections.  Mine dried up.  The first year I was saved by mine.  They are gone now.  It wouldn’t be enough now.  After 5 years and who knows how many more, only he will do.  I knew I couldn’t count on others but I never thought he’d be the one to cause me pain I never knew existed.  Yet I love him more everyday.   It’s counterproductive but the way it is.  

I hear and understand your grief, loneliness, and pain. My emotions at times are my worst enemies. You continue to be daily in my thoughts and prayers.  Growing older (aging this year) seems to have hit me harder because of Hospitalization, Insurance issues, billing, collections, Current physical ailments, uncertainty of medications and treatments, etc... I can easily spiral down with certain thoughts and feelings.  Praying you will have brighter days! - Shalom (Peace)

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MThanks everyone.  It hits me everyday the rituals to get going and throughout the day that never existed before.  I just got up, got dressed and went on with my day.  Now it’s compression socks, knee supports, meds,etc.  Undressing is getting that stuff off, a pain pill, aspercreme and whatever chores before I can sit down from the pain.  Going to sleep?  Oh!  The rituals with pillows so bones aren’t touching and hips positioned for the least impact of hours of inactivity.  Where did simplicity go?  Bending over, hard vs. soft chairs, getting in and out of the car.  Bringing things in the house now including portable oxygen that has to be recharged.  Walkers in the house with the oxygen generator.  Pill bottles galore.  I’m suddenly old it feels.  My mind forgets or hopes when I stand up it won’t hurt.  Filling pill boxes for the week really brings home the feeling of being a part of the invisible generation.  Having to ask for help on what were simple tasks sucks.  The worst?  Showers that felt good, not an exercise in preparing for possible falls and what I consider a PT session and the aides say it is.  I’m really turning into that 'get off my lawn' person from frustration.  Golden years.  Whoever thought of that saying should be shot!  🤨

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Gwen:  Oboy do I hear you.  Golden years is now a four letter word as far as I am concerned .  My MIL used to refer to it as the "Rusty Years".   I had to chuckle as you described all the pillows to make sure the old bones don't ache if we should actually fall asleep.  I sometimes wonder should I have to jump out of bed in a hurry I wouldn't be able to untangle myself from the pillows in time.  Keeping you in my thoughts as you get through each day.  Sounds like you did make it today.  Hugs,  Dee

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I had to use 6 rehab pillows at  night to sleep for my old bones.  If anyone has been hospitalized, you know they are like pancakes and plastic so the pillowcases slip off.  You don’t want to move because you have to start all over again.  Why they put white blinds up I’ll never understand.  Had to get a sleep mask.  You can jump out of bed, Dee?  I’m still crawling.  🤪

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6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 You can jump out of bed

I still use that term, but "jumping" out of bed is hardly what I do.  (At 77, I doubt if that is really what any of  us do.)  I do manage to crawl around until I grab a lid of one of the  boxes I have piled in my room, pull myself up.  Know that standing is going to hurt like hell, do a few of my own calisthenics, and manage to slip my feet in the slippers.  I think the radiation honeycombed my hip bones.  But, I had trouble with this back when Billy was with me also.  Legs hurt, I wear diabetic socks that pull up to my knees, I am not limber enough to put on the compression hose.  Never have understood them anyhow.  I have had many, many pairs of them, they always manage to put a crease at my ankles and sorta cut off blood supply, so these diabetic socks (I am not diabetic) compress just a small bit, any creases do not stop blood supply and are so soft I will sleep in them when my feet are "bone cold" and that does happen.  I sleep on probably six pillows (scattered around)  (along with my Billy clothes stuffed pillow), but keep it to the side.  Billy slept on a pancake pillow. Mine are large and fluffy.  I almost sleep sitting up.  I like that.  

And, these are not the "golden years" promised (maybe not promised, but the name they use.)  Mine are as rusty as an old iron faucet.  So far I can control the faucet almost to the point that when it tells me to "go" then I do not need to forget it.  Oh, who can forget the shout that says "go right now."  

I cannot compare my aches and pains to yours because they have been going on for so long, I just know about them.  My cousins and I, when we email now, one or the other has been in the hospital with some bone surgery (my sweet cousin inherited her grandmother's crippling arthritis, and she has about eight young grandchildren she runs to the bus stop and keeps until the parents get home, (she started children later than I did and has very young grandchildren).  Her husband just had aortic valve replacement and is so much better at 80 than he has been for a few years.  My other cousin, (lots of cousins) is a year older.  They cannot figure out why she keeps having the painful kidney stones and UTI's. (Even with two doctor sons that have urology and nephrology friends.) Her husband has Parkinson's disease and the arthritis, like his dad, that makes life very painful, and a pacemaker.  They use good batteries I guess because the gardener follows him around to pick him up when he falls in these Michigan winters.  He falls a lot.  Had to get him a bed close to the floor.  They are all age 77 to age 81.  No golden years, only rust years.  

I know you would not be happy with someone living with you, if by some miracle of fate, some old friend of Steve's, someone that would pick up after themselves, etc.  Oh forget that, I am a slob and do not think anyone but Brianna could live with me.  My heart is with you my friend.  My doc.........wait, I don't have one except when I want my Xanax refilled.  They still do that in my old town I lived in with Billy.  The rest of them, even with my essential tremor, they would not keep me supplied with Xanax.  I told Heather (my nurse practitioner) that I never abuse a prescription and she said, "oh we know that."  So, I am sure mine is monitored.  What the hell, quantity of life or quality of life.  I told them I was not going to stop them.  I am so used to them now that it is more stubbornness that makes me get them than anything, oh that and I like to sleep at night.  

Fixing to have my only cup of coffee, and if I drink an Ensure (I do like those things), I forget about my coffee, the last ritual Billy and I shared.  

I did find my psychiatrist very useful many years ago, but she is retired now.  With a diagnosis of chronic depression, kind of like the pain, it becomes a worrisome thing that I tried to talk to two different denomination pastors, but I got so tired of telling my life to these people I am paying to listen, and if they gave me a med, it would kill me.  So, you all are stuck with my word salads, for awhile.  I find I need my Xanax at night.  Why is it we are so fearful of night time?  I read a lot (concentration comes and goes), but the fear of sleep will always be there and that is probably a fear of not waking up, which I would only think I don't want my granddaughter to find me that way.  

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I am thankful I have the best puppy in the world.  Middle of the night I woke up with a bad headache, awake for a long time with it, it did not want to abate.  Finally dropped off to sleep and woke up 15 min. later than I usually get Kodie up.  He never peeped.  I appreciate that, most puppies are not like that.

A pancake thin pillow sounds hardly worth the bother.  Why don't they have down pillows you can fluff up?  

We had an unpredicted wind storm yesterday afternoon/evening.  More limbs to pick up.  So glad it didn't snow very much!

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I think the last time I jumped out of bed, I was about 12 years old and looking forward each day to communing with the horses in Wyoming. Now it takes a minute for the cobwebs to clear enough to stand up. Right now I'm fighting some injury to my left arm(can barely use it) so it's a bit tougher.

Remember when we were teens and would be jealous of the old codgers(our age now) driving the cool cars. Now I know they had every right. There should be some reward at the end of our rainbow. Unfortunately, that doesn't always happen.

Gwen, my heart hurts for you as I hear your loneliness and desperation. Not easy for you, I know, but have you ever considered dropping by your local senior center to see what they offer. Our centers have social activites, luncheons, day trips, etc. in addition to various support and discussion groups. None of this may interest you, but it's also possible there may be other like minded people there. Certainly not a replacement for the one person you long to see, but maybe a temporary fix to stave off the loneliness. Only a suggestion because I care.

Luv Ya,  girl!

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