My Sanity Needed Vents

[V. R.]

On 3/16/2022 at 3:54 PM, kayc said:

 

 

 

On 3/16/2022 at 3:54 PM, kayc said:

learning to say no to demands and people don't like it.  II have to get control

I understand what you mean Kay. We have a saying over here:  "Give 'em a hand and they' ll take your arm". I think this says it all. You sound like a really good person who  has given so much, after being left alone so young, living on your own, I admire you for this. It helps me think that I can make it too, luckily my kids are still both  single, no ties, both students, haven't 'left the nest' yet, so having them with me keeps me going on. 

I just wanted to tell you all about a dream I had the other night. In this dream, my husband and I were both crying and hugging each other because we knew that he wasn't here anymore. He was sad for me that I had been left alone without him. I've had other dreams about him and often he is present, we are talking although we both know he isn't really here.  I don't know if I feel better or worse when I wake up, the words 'worse' and 'better' don't exist. The way I feel inside is just like an endless horizontal line on a life machine, if someone asks how I am (they never do anyway, they feel awkward or embarrassed), I don't know what to say - surviving, struggling, trying not to have a nervous breakdown... 

[Gwenivere]

I never had a talker dog.  But all had their unique ways of getting known what they wanted to say or want.  Lots of staring.  Good at answering questions like if wanting out.  Kodie sounds like a darling.  Sorry to hear about your plumbing problems.  

Insurance that is not as it seems?  I can’t imagine!  😱 I’m waiting to talk to rehab again about why I’m being downgraded on PT I desperately need.  Must be billed separately. I tried filling out the Medicare appeal last night and got totally lost on most of it. I just called them and hope I understand what goes where on it.  They said they have the info already.  That has me confused so I want to send in everything relating to this and they can toss it if not needed.  
 

Haven’t heard a word about any therapy.  Called the surgeons and they said they’d get a message to him or his assistant.  They are very bad at replying.  If they’re tied up in surgery, it will be next week and I’ll have more days without the help I need.  PT told me they were waiting on the surgeon and I told them they needed to contact him repeatedly.  Meanwhile, I’m doing walks alone and now have no access to leg weights that I felt were working.  I don’t want to keep staying here, but I have to be able to live more independently.  
 

6 hours ago, V. R. said:

The way I feel inside is just like an endless horizontal line on a life machine, if someone asks how I am (they never do anyway, they feel awkward or embarrassed), I don't know what to say - surviving, struggling, trying not to have a nervous breakdown... 

I like your analogy.  I know I’m physically alive by the pain I feel, but in my emotional heart, that is dead regarding Steve.  I have feelings for a couple other people, but there is a darkness that is dark now matter how much light I have tried to bring in there.  Sometimes I wonder if I’ve already had a breakdown.  I’m not at all the same person.  I do and think things that were never me.  If this is survival, I’m not sold on it at all.  We all have own timelines, but I’m very concerned I am heading towards 8 and still in hell.  II would be doing better in this surgery crisis with him.  I don’t want to 'survive', I want to 'live' again. 

[nashreed]

Gwen, I know I've given up on "living". It's sad. I spent the afternoon with my brother. He likes to go to an eatery that has waitresses in skimpy kilt/Scottish outfits, and they had an Irish menu today- sort of. He likes to go to Barnes & Noble and browse endlessly, and I try to engage and be interested, but I can only give so much. I just zone out. I just see things that Annette would have loved. I just get depressed. I know it means a lot to him to go out (he doesn't have friends either) and I really want to try, yet all I want is to be with Annette. I'm more in love with her than when she was alive, and she's completely unattainable. I just will never be happy again. It's a hard realization. 

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, nashreed said:

I'm more in love with her than when she was alive, and she's completely unattainable.

I used to think I was more in love with Steve now.  I haven’t built anything with him in so long. I’m definitely more in love with the idea of him and what my knowing him tells about his (possible) reactions to things.  I’d give anything for his feedback on so many things.  It’s all info from my memory of the man I still love had the brakes not been put one and him plucked from this life.  No one will ever replace him, but I’ve come to love Dee so deeply. It almost scares me because I don’t want any more pain.  It’s a chemistry that is reciprocated.  Something I can’t control.  I didn’t think anyone could make me feel any kind of positive again.  So I hold back.  It’s a most complicated situation.  She is the now and shares in it.  She even knows this pain as she lost her long term partner.  Understands the tough times.  The silences we fall into at times about each of our losses and need no words.  

[kayc]

Tomorrow it will be 16 years 9 months.  I love him as much as I ever did and continue to miss him, although I've gotten as used to this aloneness as one can...I think I have an even deeper appreciation for him, knowing how rare he is, how rare what we had is.  I never know whether to use past or present tense, as it's both at the same time.  He feels in the past but at the same time what we have together is still present, if that makes any sense.  It doesn't die because we can't reach them.

@MartyTThank you for the Husky video, I love watching them, my  favorite dogs of all time, but I love the Golden Retriever too, so wonderful with children, so gentle, Arlie was a good mix.  His language skills far exceeded any other I've seen!  He seriously had different tones/voices for everything and he wasn't just sounding cute, he had meaning behind each one and I knew each one.  Kodie whines, stares, spins, looks adorable, but I miss Arlie's talking.  They all get across their meaning, some way or another!  I miss my big boy, a body I could hold onto, a goofball that brought me joy.  But Kodie does too in other ways, him I can pick up, hold on my lap, he's ever present, whatever room I'm in, there he is.  Lately he's been starting out on the loveseat with me, then moving to the floor to sleep, I miss him next to me.  In the morning I wake up and he's next to me so he transfers back some time early in the night.    We have a routine, just him and me, together.

I gave Mike and Iris $40 to have dinner on me when they go to town today, to celebrate the end of her chemo.  I almost said their, that's how I feel, everything they've been through this year with his Covid and her cancer, they've been through absolutely together.  The kind of marriage we all love and miss.  She's almost in the home stretch, I don't worry about her surgery, I am concerned about her having radiation.  She was looking up info on it last night, I don't understand why doctors don't tell you what to expect!   Doctors are not what they used to be.  Nothing is.  Everything is a fight and no one wants to do their job like us baby boomers did.  We gave our best, perfection or close to it.

@V. R.I'd take it, any dream they're in is touching base, it's been a long while since I've had George in one.  I do know what you guys mean about surviving instead of living, that's how it feels in comparison.  I try not to compare, I've learned it's a real joy-killer and invalidater, yet there are times we can't help it, like with what Gwen is going through.  And a simple plumbing issue is going to cost me dearly when George would have handled it.  I was talking to our George from here and he said if he lived near here he'd come over and do it, I was having a hard time following what he was telling me, couldn't see very well with the flashlight and mirror under the sink, and can't get on my knees, they hurt from the fall at the vets in 2017.  Some things we're better off paying for than attempting to do, this is one of them for me.  If I were 20 years younger...but I'm not.

Waiting to hear news on Dee and Karen's eyes...fingers crossed, prayers going up!

This morning my BS is up again, something is going on, not sure what, it'll mess up my A1C!  I know what I ate, it should be in the 90s the way I live/eat.  Not 120.  What will be will be, I can only do my best.

Then I learned this morning that the guys who bought my BIL's tackle shop Bert's Fish'n Stuff, cleared it out, removed the sign, and closed it.  No fanfare, they never tried.  They were rarely ever open.  Peggy will be sick to learn it.  A tribute to you, dear Bert, you were the best.

[Kieron]

Next week it will be 5 years, for me.  What is it with the month of March?  The angle of the afternoon sunlight is approaching the same angle as it was that awful afternoon.  Strange how I can tell the approach of the day by looking at the wall.  Who needs a calendar? 

2 hours ago, kayc said:

He feels in the past but at the same time what we have together is still present, if that makes any sense.

Beautifully put.

[MartyT]

Voices of Experience: The Trouble with Triggers   ❤️

[V. R.]

 

22 minutes ago, MartyT said:

Voices of Experience: The Trouble with Triggers   ❤️

Beautiful words, Marty. So true, every single word of this article. Really made me cry, but in a soothing way. 

Thank you. 

❤️

 

[V. R.]

15 hours ago, nashreed said:

things that Annette would have loved. I just get depressed. I know it means a lot

I know what you mean, I do the same. Things he would have loved, wouldn't have liked, would have thought/said/done, and so on. At times, while I'm alone driving, I suddenly cry out, banging my hand on the steering wheel: "why aren't you here, with me? You should be driving, I should be in the passenger seat!" we always went everywhere together, I feel so stupid going everywhere alone, sorting out silly old bureaucratical stuff. 

 

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

give anything for his feedback on so

Yes, Gwen, me too. I miss all that, he was our strength, mentally, morally and physically. Everything,and more. 

 

1 hour ago, Kieron said:

it will be 5 years,

 

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Tomorrow it will be 16 years 9 months. 

16 months for me, but it feels like 16 seconds. I'm 'lost in time' if that makes any sense. Each day that goes by I just feel worse. Than again I say to myself, of course you won't feel better, this isn't an illness that you need to recover from, it's a state of mind, a new you that you just have to live with, or rather, struggle by with,knowing that he will always be present anyway, even if not physically. You can't just throw all you had out of the window, pushing it in the past. He's still here, still part of this family, still guiding us, and that's it. 

[nashreed]

It's coming up on 2 years for me in May. The world couldn't care less. I see all these strangers and they have their lives, their spouses and my soulmate is not on this planet, and I just never will be ok. It doesn't get better, it's just the way it is. 

I always felt bad for my brother. He's never had a real relationship. He's not a bad guy, just very very self-centered and selfish. He just has no way to relate to me and what I've lost- not having the person that I spent every day with for 30 years. Is he better off? Even my Mom can't relate. She was only married 10 years, to a workaholic who was never home in the last few years. I have no memory of my father whatsoever. He passed in 1999. 

All I can do is distract myself as much as possible. I feel terrible I don't think about Annette as much as I should, but it's just easier not to. I'm long past being able to pretend I'm on an extended vacation. This is my life now, what there is of it. 

[scba]

Dear all

I have been away from here for a couple of weeks because I have been battling against an awful realization. I have been feeling "bad" lately "in my heart". There was something "wrong" going on with me and I wasn't able to put it into words. Was it anxiety? Stress? Boredom? 

I took a couple of days "off" from the phone, social media and from meeting the only two friends I have in this town. Sort of reclusion. Am I angry? At what? Frustrated? But this doesn't feel like a normal angry feeling....

I made a list of the achievements and recognitions I have had in the last couple of months and years. I'm good at my job. I receive compliments for my work. I'm efficient. I'm honest. My health is very good. I rent a small place in a safe neighborhood. I eat healthy food. I'm a good cooker. I can take care of myself. I know the priorities. I'm a good citizen. I have values. I have ethic.

I have achieved all that. I'm in a better place. I have done a f**** effort to "restore" whatever was left from me. Yet.... he is gone. He is not seeing anything. He knows nothing about my new self and no matter how hard I have tried, survived, cried and cope. He doesn't know. And if he does, what's the point of knowing it. If he sees me now, for what? What have this 8 years ment for BOTH and not just for me?

Nothing.

Maybe there is no more US at all. What I have been doing for 8 years is separating from him without noticing it. 

Knowing that none of this will bring him back was too much to deal with. 

I don't know who he is now.

Of course my mind knows he died.

but maybe my soul expected a come back. If I did everything well he would be back.

Well he hasn't. And I don't know what to do with this new Me.

He is a ray of light and I'm someone covered with salt. 

 

[nashreed]

I understand that very well, scba.

I often feel like I'm failing in Annette's eyes when she looks down at me. I talk to her every day. I try to keep that love she had for me alive in my heart, but I feel empty. So alone. 

 

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, scba said:

He knows nothing about my new self and no matter how hard I have tried, survived, cried and cope. He doesn't know. And if he does, what's the point of knowing it. If he sees me now, for what? What have this 8 years ment for BOTH and not just for me?

I didn’t know how to start saying how I felt today and you wrote it.  Facing the very same questions every frigging day.  What is the point of anything I’ve done for 8 years?  I know he wouldn’t be disappointed in me.  The problem is I don’t know what he’d think at all.  Everything is speculation.  Like you, I am thoroughly aware of what is going on around me.  I don’t do the healthy cooking because I can’t.  I tried to stay involved in activities that kept me helping others as well as myself.  Covid happened and every thing got locked down.  
 

Now I’ve become more of a hermit.  Not by choice either.  Don’t feel I have anything to give anyone tho.  Dee’s entered my life, but I don’t know what I can offer her. It’s crazy!  Talking to a intermediary to send me in the right direction in rehab is billable now.  I really depended on her.  So I’m paying out pocket an outrageous amount to be here and cut off from the services I’m staying for aren’t available.  They are trying another appeal, but I’m filing a court appeal to challenge their choice of an outside agency that denied me despite bedsores and inability to do self hygiene.  How they can determine (not having a doctor of their own) opposed to the team that cares for me daily makes no sense.  
 

Dee was here for a visit.  I felt tense as I know I’m not making progress and she hadn’t seen how bad I am.   She said I definitely am much more stooped over than before surgery.  We walked down to activities and I had forgotten she couldn’t be in there.  No common places for visitors.  I don’t know if something was bothering her.  She seemed more subdued.  It’s not a fun place to be and she know’s this isn’t rehab for a less intense recovery.  I take things on myself and will ask her.  We never lie to each other so she’ll tell me.  
 

The walks are getting very hard.  Using the walker that moves easier puts weight on my back.  I still don’t know if I am overdoing it.  If I listen to the pain it says yes.  Sitting for hours is bad too.  I feel like a freak.  Dee said she could see why joking comments would get annoying.  I’d really like to try this with my other walker, but the oxygen complicates it.  Also getting someone to bring a wheelchair if needed.  I need to talk to someone.  Something is wrong.  This shouldn’t be getting worse.  I feel it up higher now than where they operated.  I walked to activities after dinner and could hardly tolerate sitting for 10 minutes.  Watching my Netflix had he hunched over the iPad with my face barely a foot away from the screen.  That’s not good.

 

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Dee’s entered my life, but I don’t know what I can offer her.

What you offer her is perhaps the most valuable thing any of us can give...connection.

I went to my sister's yesterday, brought takeout, wanted to tell her about Bert's business closing down, in person.  It was hard for us both, we both shed a tear, it weighed on us all day/eve.  It wiped me out emotionally, physically.  She called last night and told me the landlord sold the building, that's likely why it closed.  He's older than Bert, who would be nearly 82 now, and lives 2 1/2 hours away.  We understand, but still it's a loss, Bert has his tackle shop since 1985, 35 years of operation!  He's been gone 1 1/2 years now, it feels like yet another part of him is gone, a very big part...esp. with the sign gone.  Peggy told me Bert made that sign, right there in their living room. 

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Now I’ve become more of a hermit.

I feel I have too.  It didn't start out by choice, but I feel it, over time I've withdrawn.  To my safe place.
Gwen, you have so many questions, they've given you no answers.  Your brain must be going around and around, wondering the same things.  Why do they not hear you?  I wish we could sentence them to a week in your shoes, you'd have their attention, if only that were possible.

[nashreed]

I have been thinking so much about what scba said. 

I think it's great to be so accomplished, having a job, eating right- I don't have that in my life, and I was thinking that's what was missing. Then to know that you can have that and still feel so lost, alone and empty....

I think I mentioned I was supposed to be a twin. I used to feel so empty, with no soul- until I met Annette. Now, I'm back exactly where I was before I met her, like I was picked up by a UFO and then brought back to the place I was picked up, back to my childhood room, back to that emptiness. 

I talk to Annette every day, because I really believe she hears me. I want nothing to be unsaid when I see her again. I wish I could feel her presence, but I feel her spirit and heart in the birds, in nature. I'm staying as connected to her as much as I can. Coming up on two years, it gets harder and harder, but I have to put in the effort. I don't have much of anything else. I envy people with friends, especially if they can talk to them about loss. It's going to be a very lonely, miserable rest of my life. I'm not looking forward to it in the slightest, but there's a reward at the end. 

[Gwenivere]

I’ve talked to the nurse about how bad this getting.  I’m to restart a muscle relaxer I quit and talk to the ARNP Monday.  X-rays are up in the air til then.  I haven’t seen restorative care yet (replaces PT) and they can work with PT on exercises directed by them.  I also have the PRN oxycodone, but leery of getting dependent on it.  It works very well and I’m desperate so not good in the long run for getting off of it.  I don’t like what these meds are doing to my head.  
 

Yesterday was movie and popcorn day.  Heard from Dee it was a long night with Robin's eldest dog.  I’ll find out when we talk later.  Going to be a long day with nothing scheduled.  Today is Bingo.   Really am tossing money away as far as care. Have no choice.l

 

10 hours ago, kayc said:

Your brain must be going around and around, wondering the same things.  Why do they not hear you?  I wish we could sentence them to a week in your shoes, you'd have their attention, if only that were possible.

I do every day.  The answers that I know keep coming up the same.  Waiting on the 2 appeals.  Not holding out much hope.  Nothing has gone well on this journey.  Not one person has said ‘I’ve got good news' except once about my X-rays Feb 9th. People hear me and I get ‘I’m sorry's' but that doesn’t help mentally or in the real world.  Action that improves anything is what I need.  I so appreciate the support I get here.  I wish I got that from the people that have the power over my treatment.  I dove right in to get the appeal paperwork and the guy here has just let me sit.  Hope he’s having a nice weekend cause I’m sure stuck.  We’ve all experienced how that makes you feel in many ways.  When we don’t enter their minds at all.  That’s where spending even a few days in our shoes comes in.  I never thought I’d wish that on anyone, but I would now.

Catching a small break for the weekend.  There’s a Breaking Bad marathon on DTV today til midnight and for the next 2 Saturdays leading into the last season of Better Call Saul.  It’s my fav show so a nice break and not just background noise.  Will be sad to see another good show go.  
 

I hope you feel better for talking to Annette, James.  The years do pile up.  I wish I had your belief in seeing them again.  You have a survival tool I don’t.  Hold it tightly. 💕

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

I spoke to the editor of our local online newspaper about Bert's place closing, gave him all of the info, he said it's a live wire...I took that to mean he'll publish something.

I got my slash piles burned yesterday, spent hours working on it...Jack took the silver clasp off the gate and lost it.  I'm sick about it, it was George's, can't be replaced.  Kodie can open the gate w/o it there!  Haven't heard back from him.  Stuck a carabiner there temporarily.  My guess is he put it in his pocket and it fell out while he was doing the fire or transporting slash.  Not likely to be found intact.  Another loss, maybe trivial to everyone else, but stabbed me in the gut.

I talk to George all the time, James.  If that makes me nuts, I'm entitled.

Dee's partner's dog?  It has something wrong with it?  I hope it gets through it okay.  So hard.

Gwen, I know I needn't ask you, but I do hope you'll keep us updated as things transpire.  Peggy just told me yesterday how she wishes she could be there for me, but she is, she's a connection.  One of the only ones I have.  But tangibly, she's never been there for me or anyone, except Bert.  That's how it is when we're married I think.  It's been so long since I've been married...it feels a liifetime ago.

[Widow2015]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I spoke to the editor of our local online newspaper about Bert's place closing, gave him all of the info, he said it's a live wire...I took that to mean he'll publish something.

kayc:  Your contacting the local online newspaper about Bert's "Fish N Stuff" shop is perfect.  When I saw the photo of the store I was immediately struck with a memory of how often my Bob would always gravitate to such a shop. When we'd be on a road trip or visiting a new place, he'd love to visit and talk with the local fishermen and learn something new about his love of fishing.  I understand your and Peggy's feeling of loss with the closing of  "Fish N Stuff".

Kodie is a clever little guy to open the gate.  My Maddie could open the chain link side gate.  When I first adopted her I couldn't figure out why she was out in front yard until one day I heard the clanking noise as her nose lifted the closure.   She never would run off but I didn't want to take a chance of her following the kids down the street to play so Bob put a carabiner on the gate.  I eventually put a lock on the gate since there were more garage thefts in the area where I lived.  With Maddie being gone,  I no longer had my built in home alarm system.  Dee 

[Widow2015]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 The answers that I know keep coming up the same.  Waiting on the 2 appeals.  Not holding out much hope.  Nothing has gone well on this journey.  Not one person has said ‘I’ve got good news' except once about my X-rays Feb 9th. People hear me and I get ‘I’m sorry's' but that doesn’t help mentally or in the real world.  Action that improves anything is what I need.

Gwen:  Am still hoping for some good news for you.  Each time you post I hope  to see your appeal has borne good results and your ability to experience less pain has improved.  

Sorry to learn Robin's dog is failing.  Keeping you all in my thoughts.  Dee

[nashreed]

Kay,

I actually found the online article about the two guys who took over Bert's. They were so excited about it. It was only  re-opened around this time last year. Seems like their dream to own it wasn't to be. That's pretty sad. I know my hometown here is full of empty storefronts and restaurants. My favorite restaurant when I was a kid (Sambo's!) is now a dodgy Mexican seafood place. Seems like all we're left with are Starbucks and Walmarts. 

I feel like I'm not there for my family, just as they're not able to "be there" for me. They're connections, sure. I am very very blessed that my Mom is healthy at 85 and is still "all there" mentally (though her habit of complaining about the same things over and over and good old fashioned racism get on my nerves). It seems all I can focus on about my family are what annoys me. I never got annoyed with Annette (though I annoyed her plenty- she was a saint). This just isn't the life I want. I'm bitter and angry about my world being taken away. How I took it for granted. These are the things I talk to Annette about- all my regrets, my apologies. I didn't deserve her, and I feel like I'm being punished for not treating her better, not making her my priority at all times. 

[Gwenivere]

11 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

Gwen:  Am still hoping for some good news for you.  Each time you post I hope  to see your appeal has borne good results and your ability to experience less pain has improved.  

Thank you, Dee.  And yes, Kay,I will continue to update here.  I babble everyday.  🙄. I would love to get some good news.  Been waiting for that for oh…..10 months now?  But especially being in this particular rehab has really been a house of cards.  Move one thing or breathe too hard and it’s steps back.  I’ve been without supervised PT for days.  Not even restorative care.  As I keep repeating, I’m hoping the walking is OK.  I think it is, just not getting any better.  I do miss the use of leg weights for strength.  
 

10 hours ago, nashreed said:

I didn't deserve her, and I feel like I'm being punished for not treating her better, not making her my priority at all times. 

I know you have been carrying this weight a long time.  I can say the same if I held myself to a standard that we cannot achieve.  Of course they were the priority in our lives, but we didn’t idolize them because that’s not a partnership.   Did you really not step up when needed?  From what you’ve shared you did.  Work, emotional and medical support.  No one walks around all day praising their partner. But we do have times we make for each other that are intimate either physically in many different ways or talking and just plain being there when needed.  We’d do little things like seeing something you know they’d like or reminds us of them and buy it for them.  Unless you contributed to an earlier loss of her from this life, I wish I could make you see you were her perfect person.

I have no idea what this week will bring.  So much waiting on the business side.  I’m hoping I see the prescriber regarding this med mess.  My meds are late and I feel it with cold sweats and agitation.  I hate this!  I went thru drug withdrawal in the 90’s and do not want to get deep into that again. I wasn’t expecting to add withdrawal to the fun.   
 

I'm upset that one of the appeals could be in the mail by now.  I needed info from the insurance guy here and his help finishing the 2 page forms.  I made the calls for many answers.  He’s never done these, but has more expertise with doing forms. I need copies not marked up as I have from conversations with my to insurance .  Plus what Richmond Beach sent to them.  They easily take my money, but I need this this stuff.  I really want to get the wounds in there since they were not mentioned in the denials?   Off to another night.  Know it will be another one to muddle thru.  Been waking up so sick from the added med and general tone of days in this uncertainty. Wound up sleeping without getting up p at all yesterday feeling so sick from the pills.  I do and don’t want to do the usual.  Time is running short for the month.  Have to get serious about getting home.  

 

[kayc]

Yes, James, I remember the article, they interviewed my sister for it but didn't use much of what she said.  The guys never had it open, it was rare to see their car there.  Not sure why they bought it.  Peggy helped them so they could have all info about it, etc.  

I'm surprised the landlord didn't let her know ahead of time he was selling the building, Bert rented from him most of those years, he considered Bert like a son although only a few years older than him.  

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

you see you were her perfect person.

Absolutely!  James, what Gwen says here about if she held herself to a perfect standard...well none of us are perfect, but we can be perfect for each other, George and I definitely were.  You were there for her, always!

Gwen, there is no excuse for their being late with your meds!  I hope you did not get to withdrawal!  No excuse at all!  They should be reported.  My FIL stayed at Briarwood the last few years of his life, they were NEVER late with their meds, not once!

I wish more than anything you could get help at home so you could control your own meds, etc.  It seems to me that rehab facilities are atrocious, it's what I've seen at Marquis too.  Peggy hates red sauces and they served her tomato soup nine days in a row!  Probably the same can.  She was throwing up her meds.  No wonder she was loopy!

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

Kodie is a clever little guy to open the gate. 

Dee, Kodie can not only open the gate, but he could when he was such a tiny puppy and had to jump up and down to even reach the latch!  He's probably the smartest dog I've ever had, you can see how his mind works.  When Jazzy won't play with him, he'll go get the ball and make exaggerated moves with it to make it look like so much fun!  Tossing it up in the air, seriously!  He exaggerates his playfulness to make it look like so much fun!  He's obviously trying to entice her into playing with him!  I wish I were good at videos and photos but I'm not, and I never have my cellphone on me.

Oh and I was relieved that Jack brought the latch back yesterday!  I told him he could keep the diesel can, I have no need for it.

[nashreed]

I think that the guilt that I feel, that I wasn't a good enough husband, is the only thing that makes me feel like I'm still her husband. I know that she would never say that I wasn't the best person for her. 

I need a chart and graphs to tell me if I'm where I'm supposed to be at the approaching two year mark (that's being factious, as I know everyone is different). I know most of you are farther along in your grief. It sure doesn't get any easier. Nothing much helps. Complusive CD hoarding doesn't help. I get a package from eBay and it's a thrill and distraction, but it doesn't replace the companionship. I'm lucky that I have music to obsess over and distract me....until before bed when I face the silence and emptiness in my soul. It's a hobby, but it doesn't replace a life. I guess there's millions of people who are miserable and alone. Just not being part of a team of two is something you never get used to. I'll never be happy in this life again. It's just hard to face.