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[kayc]

You know what I noticed?  All the news articles are on COUPLES or FAMILIES.  I haven't seen them do one article on someone widowed and living alone.  Why, are we too depressing, hopeless?  It kind of makes me mad because it's not a fair sampling of what's out there.

[Gwenivere]

You make an excellent point.  I’ve found a couple obscure things about people alone and keeping up phone, video and mail contact.  But all the headlines and shows like Fallon and Kimmel are from home with thier families.  The news always talks about creative ways to spend the time with your family.  New things to try like recipes, games, backyard sports.  Takes participants.  How parents are going nuts having to be working and teachers at the same time.  I’m very sure that is a major challenge, but on this side of the fence, it looks preferable than this deafening silence and not one single human being to be close to.  

And yes, silence can be deafening.  Yes the dogs bark, the phone rings, the TV drones on.  But that isn’t the sound of life created by someone being here to interact with or hear doing things.  Even hearing Steve on the phone to his buddies was a voice.  Sometimes I curse he was a musician.  Hearing him practice or his buddies here making music.  

I miss my neighbors of over a decade.  Seeing them doing stuff and thier dogs coming every day for treats to my door.  

Life.  I miss life.  

[Polly]

oh yes Gwen.....the silence is deafening!!!! Shortly after all this stay at home stuff started I pretty much have been here by myself. My daughter has been basically living at her boyfriends house. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I told her that she cant be having anyone over. I just cant take that risk because of the medicine that i'm taking. Plus, i'm pretty sure my older daughter told her the same thing. Normally I like my alone time, but this is a little too much for me.  

[kayc]

I know, Polly, and it has to be hard not being around Bill during this. 

Gwen, I hear you, I feel the same.  I do walk dogs and it helps to get outside.  I see neighbor families playing with their kids, working in the yard together, going for rides together...and I feel very alone.  It's the mental part that's the hardest.  But I can't even imagine how hard it is for parents that have lost their jobs, knowing they won't come back from this and the stimulus check is a drop in the bucket.  I gave mine to my daughter, she needs it worse than I do.  She's lucky she can still work as "housecleaning" is an "essential business" but even so she lost some jobs because people lost their work and are sheltered in place.

[Gwenivere]

So another Saturday rolls around.  It isn’t really a significant day anymore except businesses are closed to calls so a break from insurance, banking, medical, whatever.  

Not all that pleased with the housekeepers I had.  Missed some vacuuming and a lot of 'dusting' was a feather one.  They had talked to me about deep cleaning which would cost more.  I’m OK with this time I so needed anything.  Even opted to brush Ally to keep the fur down a bit.  That will cost me this morning.  Got restless and did my small tasks of the weekend I planned.  Just get a paper Sunday and a shower.  

Anyone have any plans?  

Has anyone noticed odd things happening to their bodies since this quarantine?  I’m losing a nail, always uncomfortable after meals for lack of exercise.  My hair is a hassle.  My younger dog has scraped my paper thin skin.  Other nails keep breaking.  Muscles are breaking down.  These aren’t age related either.  Nothing like feeling even crappier while locked up.  

[KarenK]

No plans here. Just watch a few more Netflix movies as my freebie runs out in 2 days.

No drastic physical changes for me except my hair which most of us are probably experiencing. I'm beginning to look like someone put a bowl on my head and cut around the edge. Quite stunning! I usually look a little better than this.

[kayc]

My data is past it's allowance on my internet, the pastor offered me use of the church's which has unlimited, so may go in with Kodie today for a bit plus take him to the park.  Waiting for laundry to finish and need to have breakfast first.  At least I'd get out for a bit.

My hair is due for a cut but that's out for who knows how long.  Tomorrow will be six weeks since I've been alone...

All this about Kindles, I have one but it takes more data to download, finding my internet is just not sufficient for anything!

[ipswitch]

I just took a walk out back and stopped by my personal pet cemetery. Then I realized the timeline the deceased pets represent. In the 18 years I've lived here, aside from the five cats, (they were all pre-owned and of undetermined age, I really do take care of them)  I've lost my Dad, my husband, and my Mom. I lost a job I liked,  and got hired back. I've found a new man-friend but sadly decided we can never marry because our outlooks on money are just not compatible. We really need to have and remain separate financial entities. 

I don't watch Dr. Phil as a rule. A few months ago I thought his program had devolved into sensationalism, but I suspect we agree on the effect this is having on society in general. There's rumors already that a man nearby who completed suicide did so over financial strain this is causing.  I don't know if the business I work for will ever recover, and I can't afford to retire. If my hours are cut back, it's going to be hard, although at present the owner is paying us for our regular hours even though the store is closed. All the retirement accounts took a hit, one quite badly. I  agree with the King of Jordan who said something like "Mother Nature just kicked us in the behind." It's nobody's fault, we couldn't have predicted this, and every country, heck every state has got a different take on how to work it out. There's a couple hundred experiments going on in the world about how to deal with this. What's right for one place may not be the best thing for another.  

I managed to arrange a perennial plant swap with my neighbors. (Our tiny town has a Facebook page!) Mostly I 'gave away' but maybe next year we'll do better. 

Bosses have had Zoom meetings to talk about how we'll re-open.  The boss taking the lead on this is really anxious about the spread of the disease. The plan as it stands is to require every customer entering the business to wear a mask and put on gloves.  If I was a customer coming in, I'd feel that was a little hostile, but it's not my decision to make.The plan is for us to wear masks all day, every day. I pointed out that masks lose there effectiveness once your breath creates condensation inside them, and need to be changed every 15 or 20 minutes.  That comes to 24 masks, per person, per day.  I've tried wearing the masks I've made, and I feel claustrophobic in them,  but again, not my decision.  

The serenity prayer, trite and over-utilized as it sometimes is, is what I'm falling back on now: accepting the things I can't change, and doing my best to change what I can. I'm pretty good on "the wisdom to know the difference" but feeling impotent kind of sucks.

[ipswitch]

On 4/20/2020 at 7:06 AM, kayc said:

You know what I noticed?  All the news articles are on COUPLES or FAMILIES.  I haven't seen them do one article on someone widowed and living alone.  Why, are we too depressing, hopeless?  It kind of makes me mad because it's not a fair sampling of what's out there.

You know, it seems like some local TV station should be made aware of that and do a report on it. - But Cynical Ipswitch wonders if that would just create an opportunity for some lonely person to be preyed upon, somehow.

[Gwenivere]

Like that you brought up the serenity prayer and how this time we are impotent.  The lack of control on making decisions regarding this time creates such inner turmoil.

Dr. Phil did a show on the isolation.  It had good ideas for those locked in with others, shopping, hygiene.  Mainly highlighted us loners needing to get more creative and try meditation apps.  Hard time to learn thatas our minds are in overdrive and fight it in the best of times.

[ipswitch]

My man-friend and I are starting to get on one another's nerves. Fortunately for me, he's traveling for a day or two for work. I needed the break.

[scba]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

Anyone have any plans?  

 

Oh Gwen, I woke up at 8 to catch up with study, and I realised I missed reading some material posted on the virtual platform for today's lesson, plus a meeting on Friday which was not on the weekly calendar and I didn't check for updates. I'm someone who tends to be too much responsible with the things I am committed with, and I felt very bad. I left the online class after an hour because I didn't read the bibliography they were discussing. At noon I was supposed to go online for another meeting about a project I have been invited to collaborate with, a friend of mine suggested my name to the group, and I missed checking on my email with the URL to the meeting platform. I waited for a message but I was already late. I felt devastated, like I was so tired and worn out since 8am that I couldn't think properly, with clarity, I went to bed and stayed there the whole afternoon weeping....for things I know are just Nothing!

I miss my boyfriend so much lately, so so bad, I looked at pictures, my heart was totally broken. I listened to Adam Driver's song in Marriage Story and I cried more. 

I thought I could manage this confinement and perhaps I was wrong! Two weeks ago I was totally well and ok, now I'm not. Maybe I won't make it through this experience the way I thought I would. 

My boyfriend spent long weeks and months in quarantine. How he could do it? How he could make it? I write this and I'm crying at the thought of it. I'm not as strong and resilient anymore. 

But then....feelings are not facts. 

My body hasn't changed. My hair colour is dying, yes .and the circles below my eyes are getting darker, I don't use make up but they are too noticeable on a conference call. Concealers help a little bit. To hide all the imperfections I should wear a Kardashian style make up

I want all.of this to end soon.

[Gwenivere]

Oh Ana, I’m so sorry you are feeling so bad.  We are both at over 5 years and that pain just doesn’t quit.  Especially now when having our loves with us would make this horrid time more tolerable.  Someone to share the hours with.  I think everyone is wondering how they will get thru this.  Crying is good.  Get it out.  I have trouble with that and it’s stuck inside me needing to be vented.  It is the little things thatseem so looming when we are so torn up.  No way to feel anything close to normal these days.  😢

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Dr. Phil did a show on the isolation.

I did watch that one, probably the only one I've watched all the way through since this began.  I remember he said to have a routine.  Get up, get dressed, put on your makeup or shave, etc. just like you're going to work or whatever.  I do that already.  I remember he said to have hobbies, projects, I do that already but then I'm handling this better than most I think.  I come on line in the morning, I walk dogs throughout the day, cook and do dishes when I have a chance, in between cleaning.  I don't turn on the t.v. until evening, like I always have.  Too much to do to get bored.  I feel the worst for Gwen, who is unable to do so many things and could use the help and struggles for the lack of it.  Dang I wish we lived in the same town!

I did what I needed on the church' computer, even brought Kodie into the office with me, he was an angel but wouldn't play with the toys I brought, he clearly would prefer being home in his environment, although if I did this regularly he'd get used to it.  Took him to Greenwaters Rest Area (it's next to the park but that's closed) I have a habit of calling it the park because it's like an extension of the park that was there first.  It's where my BIL takes my sister to walk everyday so she can get exercise.  Yesterday it poured rain so they didn't go.  Kodie doesn't mind the rain, it's like water off a duck's back to him, he was happy as a lark sniffing all the trees, etc.  It's a treat for him, about 10-12 miles from here, I need to take him there every week just for the change.

@ipswitch  I appreciated your comments/insight.  I hadn't thought about that aspect (preying on someone vulnerable) but they could try away with me, I have neighbors looking out for me and am much more savvy than I was when my husband died.  Hey, even warded off a stalker a few months back!

9 hours ago, scba said:

My boyfriend spent long weeks and months in quarantine. How he could do it?

I don't know.  When you're in that time, you don't have a choice, you do today.  You do the next day and the one after that.  I don't think I could live like this forever but because of Kodie, I have to keep trying, clawing my way through life however it presents.  I never dreamed it'd be like this.  It seems like a sci-fi horror show we can't wake up from!

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

We are both at over 5 years and that pain just doesn’t quit.

No, there's no expiration date on it.  And in these times it drives home all the more how much we wish they were here with us, how different "doing this time" would be!

Ana, you sound like you have a lot on you, I'm sorry.  It can feel overwhelming.  All you can do is your best.  I hope employers respond with a little understanding, these times are more trying than any before.

[Gwenivere]

I do the routine thing too, Kay.  Most times I wonder why but I know if I slack off it I would get more down.  It’s bad enough I keep my hair pinned up all day and night.  I’m kinda OCD so if I change the routine I get anxious.  

Ok......for the heck of it.....what was your first thought when you woke up today?  Is it new or consistent?

[kayc]

First thought: I need to go to the bathroom.  Pretty consistent!  LOL

Yep, I'm pretty routine too, do things a certain way.  Can't leave dishes in the sink.  Even Kodie and I have a routine, I think it's helpful to dogs to know what to expect, makes them feel secure.

[Gwenivere]

You took the easy way out on the questions.  That’s a given!  

Saw you peeked in, brat, but ya didn’t say your thought!

OMG, no way I can leave dirty dishes around.  Can’t have the dogs water bowls get too empty.  Always straightening out pillows and furniture covers from the dogs lounging.  Can’t even blame on the pandemic.  I used to grit my teeth walking thru Steve’s room.  No discomfort in massive clutter for him.  Tho he said it was organized clutter.  I guess it was.  

My first thought, after crying myself to sleep last night was how much longer can I keep living this loneliness and is Ally OK?  She stumbled more last night so I’m getting very worried.  Mostly what I would do if she couldn’t get up.  Then I moved my legs and switched to what if 'I' can’t walk well?  I was pretty wobbly trying to brush my hair bent over last night.  I sure miss the days waking up felt good.  So much to do and freedom physically to do it.  

Was reading an article that many don’t wear jeans/pants anymore.  Sweats are the thing.  Same with shoes  I have to get dressed and then switch in the early evening.  I’m sure it’s a good feeling for those that had very professional type jobs for apparel.  Many are wondering if their clothes will fit after all this down time.  Too easy to gain weight.  I’ve picked up a few pounds and I wasn’t that active before but apparently more than now.  It was a bad start spending over a month in a hospital bed.  My thighs are getting flabby.  Hate it!  

OK,  if no one has any thoughts to share how about do you get dressed or changed to pure comfort clothes?

 

[brat#2]

Truthfully I don't remember my first thought, just remember the pain of trying to get out of bed and I guess my 1st thought was hope I get to the bathroom in time!!  Now that I work from home, I don't change clothes much, I'm in my comfy pants and t shirt most of the time.

[KarenK]

I live in microfleece pajama pants and t shirts. Pretty hot here for sweats. On the rare occasions when I leave the house, I'm in jeans, t shirts, and boots. I have 10 pairs of boots. I wear what makes me happy and have never cared about fashion.

[widow'15]

This morning and daily I realize the reason I woke up is because I need to wobble quickly to the bathroom,  With that done.  If it is still dark I crawl back into bed and try not to think about anything except go back to sleep.  If it is the normal wake up by Maddie at dawn, we stumble to the back door and I pray it isn't raining so I don't have to wait for her to come back inside.  I take my thyroid pill,  crawl back into bed, still not thinking about anything but go back to sleep, or slowly wake up for 30 minutes until I can have that coffee fix.  I try not to think about anything until I get my coffee plugged in, let Maddie in and that first swallow of caffeine.  With my coffee fix I then begin to think what I will have to accomplish that day.  Some days, I let myself accomplish very little.  LOL .  I am not concerned about style - or how I look.  I am more concerned about comfort which from about November to May means sweats.  If I have a doctor's appointment, I wear my nicest jeans and slip on Merrills.   Simple and easy.   Sadly, a few dishes in my sink occasionally doesn't get me too upset.  Dee     

[kayc]

Yeah, I don't care about fashion either, I wear what I want.  Sometimes it makes it hard to buy what you want if what is "in" is something I don't like.  I'm a jeans girl.  I need to buy shorts for the warm weather but can't go shopping right now so my jeans are sometimes too hot.  Wear comfortable tops although not t-shirts.  No button downs and cuff links though.  Got rid of everything I had to iron when I retired, although I now fit in some of my old dresses I haven't worn since George was alive and some of them need ironed.  Nowhere to where them though.  He always appreciated my dressing up, no one to notice now.

First thought this morning is I wanted to go back to sleep but knew I wouldn't and I needed to go get Kodie.  Been tired the last couple of mornings.  I am definitely not a sweats person, not flattering to me.

[Gwenivere]

I can’t think of the last time I saw someone in a dress!  It has to have been almost a decade since I wore one.  No plans of ever doing so again.  Life is jeans and sweats.  Sweats can be somewhat fashionable if you find the right kind.  I never buy the ones with electric at the ankles.  Mine are all loose fitting lounge wear.  Heavy for winter, lighter for spring and fall.  Summer is just long shirts.  I don’t know how I’ll do these compression socks come then. That will be way too hot and not sure they do me much good anyway.  I haven’t been a sandals gal in years now.  I hear ya on ironing.  Haven’t used that device in forever.  Most I will do with some shirts (no button down either, have to be pullovers) is hang them on a door and smooth them out if I don’t dry them.   I have no idea what is 'in'.  One thing about Seattle is anything goes.  Really love the laid back life here.  I remember when I worked downtown for Honeywell and had to wear nice jeans an a professional shirt.  Had to have a suit and pumps for muckity muck meetings with big wigs.  Didn’t mind then, I was young, but now?  No way!

[Polly]

My first thought when I wake up is what day is it? Five days a week I have to get up and go to work. These past 2 months on my days off if I don't have to go anywhere I have just been putting on sweats or leggings. If I have to go out I wear jeans and a hoodie. I also try not to buy anything that will need to be ironed. I do have some summer dresses but rarely wear them. I'm all about comfort. I wear boots all winter and sneakers or flip flops when it's warm. 

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I remember when I worked downtown for Honeywell and had to wear nice jeans an a professional shirt.  Had to have a suit and pumps for muckity muck meetings with big wigs.

You worked for Honeywell?  Wow!  I worked for a place that made military airplane parts, right here in Oakridge.  It was my favorite job in my career, I absolutely loved it!  My boss and I fit like hands & gloves, he was also very organized.  Everything had to be perfect, we could be slow but we could not make mistakes!  Documented everything!  I did everything from bookkeeping, Office Management, assisting supervisors with Performance Appraisals, did shipping & receiving, assisted Quality Control, was Safety Manager.  I dealt with the clients, my boss gave me the Koreans because they were difficult to deal with but I loved it, it was like a fine line between kissing butt and standing up to them, you had to know exactly how much of what and when.  They sent me a huge box of chocolates for Christmas, the accolade was all I needed, I gave the chocolates to the employees.  I would have worked until I was 70 had it not closed...it was during the Bush administration right at the beginning of the recession and suddenly Bush cut off orders, he wanted to use up the government's ten year supply so he wouldn't go in the red any more.  No notice.  I'd tried to tell my boss not to put all his eggs in one basket but he hadn't listened, then was too late to diversify at that late stage.  

 

7 hours ago, Polly said:

I'm all about comfort. I wear boots all winter and sneakers or flip flops when it's warm. 

Me too!  I have boots I wear all winter as I walk dogs in the muck & snow.  I'm glad I live in a town that's laid back, I've been known to wear jeans/boots to church even though I'm on the platform.  Not in the summer though, then it's a dress & sandals. But only at church, the rest of the time I'm comfortable.

[Gwenivere]

I was the on site technician for my last stint for Honeywell for a 50 story building.  I programmed the phone equipment, installed and maintained it.  I was a phone tech for several companies and loved the work.  That was back when you actually fixed things.  It wasn’t a disposable world.  Unfortunately I got the panic disorder and had to quit, but they sold out my office shortly afterward anyway.  I was tired of just plugging in new stuff and losing the feeling of accomplishment beyond programming in new extension numbers and switching out malfunctioning phones or circuit boards.  I had been offered a job at Mountain Bell as I was the only female in the biz at the time before the Bell system tumbled but declined because I would have had to go to pole climbing school even tho I would have been an indoor tech.  No way I was climbing poles.  I did some dirty jobs pulling cable when I started, but heights was not my thing.  Putting up paging speakers freaked me out in manufacturers wear houses.  I once had to walk the heating vents over one pulling large cables as I weighed the least.  Got some nice perks when I moved up the ladder like tech schools all over the country for products we sold.  Free trips and food!  Got accredited certification.  Those skills made great gifts to my family and friends as I could make their phones do things and install fancy ringers which back then were unique.  Beat the heck out of the waitressing jobs I did in college.  Never finished as this opportunity came along.  Glad I grabbed it. 

I would have kept the chocolates.  😎