The nights are brutal

[Archie11]

Can’t believe it’s been 9 weeks today since I lost my Archie, miss him so much, can’t get used to everyday life without him. Lovely memory of my last mothers day with him at the beach in March. Wishing you all peace, they will always be with us

[Gracie4ever]

Archie is soooooooo precious and beautiful. My heart hurts for you. He will always be with you!!!

[Archie11]

Thank you. It’s that thought that keeps me going

[Gracie4ever]

Me, too, my friend, me too.

[kayc]

Archie, I love this picture!  Hold on to your memories and the realization that his loving spirit is always with you.  

[Coco Forever]

Hi fellow pet lovers.Hope everyone is bearing up with the loss of our beautiful fur babies in these most horrible of times.Some truly heartbreaking posts I’ve read on this site which I’m not sure if that’s a good thing as I always end up in tears so I know where you are all coming from as 5 months on I still can’t come to terms my boy has gone for ever and after a brief respite the past week has put me back emotionally to the first week he left this world and this second lockdown what parts of the UK are going through is not helping my mental health so safe to say I just want this year go as quickly as possible and I’m sure I’m not alone in that thought.Sending love and hugs to all

Frankie

The pic 10yrs to the day

[Gracie4ever]

6 minutes ago, Coco Forever said:

 

Your baby is so beautiful and precious! I'm so sorry for your loss. As you said these are already the most horrible of times and losing our fur babies has made it so much worse. It's hard for me to come to terms, too. I find I have to tell myself every day that there is nothing I can do about it, I can't get her back. That fact that I have to tell myself, every day, breaks my heart, over and over again. I know it's a part of grieving, but it truly sucks. You are not alone. We feel and share your pain.

[kayc]

I understand, it still seems impossible to me also that my boy is gone and it's been 13 1/2 months!  I love him and miss him with every fiber of my being.  People think Kodie should have replaced Arlie by now, but that isn't how it works!  When I say anything about Arlie, they bring up Kodie, it is not one and the same!!!  Arlie will forever be my soulmate in a dog, my heart dog!  Does that mean I don't love Kodie?  Of course not!  I can't imagine life without him and he's wormed his way into my heart, totally undaunted by my grief and love of Arlie.  I need him during this pandemic, I can't imagine going through this alone.

I'm sorry you are back in phase one, lockdown.  Tomorrow Oregon decides if we're going back to phase one again.    It's looking probable.

I know we have ups and downs in our grief journey and it sounds like yours is roaring right now...hang in there, all part of the process.  (((hugs)))

 

[Dogmom]

Reading all of your comments reminds me why I keep coming back... they are spot on and remind me that I am not alone. It's like you all are reading my mind. It's been 6 months and I still cry every day, I still think of Roxie so many times through the day and I miss her so much. I may have a couple of "better days," but then so easily I go right back to where I was 6 months ago and every day since then. Last week was especially bad.

I too love my other dog, Zoe, with all my heart, and thankfully she has been here for me through the grief of losing Roxie, my Dad, early retirement, and living with the effects of the pandemic. I am not sure I would be here myself if I didn't have her. But Roxie was my soulmate of 15 years and it is not the same. I too want this year to be over with and yet the passage of time means more time has passed from having our loved ones. I don't want to cry all the time, but I am afraid that if I don't cry, that it means that I am not thinking about her as often, and that then I am betraying her memory. I know this is a normal grief process, but I don't feel like I can stop it. I am missing my Dad as well and sadly feel like I haven't been able to fully grieve his passing because Roxie left me just 3 weeks later. I guess that instead of wanting this year to be over with, I wish we could go back in time and change everything that happened this year (and 2019 for you Kay). 

I have attached a picture of Roxie from Oct 13, 2019, nearly I year ago.

We are all in this nightmare together... I am thankful that have each other, although I feel horrible for the reason. Know that my empathy spills over for all of us, and I hope that someday the nightmare will be over... 

❤️ Michele

 

[Gracie4ever]

Dear Michele, I'm so sorry to hear that last week was particularly hard. Roxis is so so so beautiful!!! Thanks for sharing the photo.

I had a couple of better days and thought wow, time is already helping, then two of the worst days ever. All the crying is not crying but always sobbing, deep mournful sounds. Thankfully I live alone and hopefully my neighbors don't hear me. Sometimes I call out to her as if she is here, and I picture he everywhere or think I hear her. For many years she had an issue with vomiting and I would hear her and rush to her aid. Now sometimes I think I hear her, it breaks my heart. There are certain areas or pieces of furniture I try not to even look at, and think of getting rid of them...but then I think I can't get rid of them because that would break my heart, too! Either way, I'm doomed!

Marty had said somewhere, (Marty could you please share the link to that with us, again?) that we tend to equate pain in grief with evidence of our love for someone...(something like that)..

Michele and Kay, people that feel that one animal should replace another, they just don't get it. What if someone had two sons, or two daughters, and lost one? Nobody would ever say "well you have your other son, or daughter"...no way! So thankful for this group where we totally get it, we know the love of our precious babies, and nobody will ever replace them.

 

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Gracie4ever said:

Marty had said somewhere, (Marty could you please share the link to that with us, again?) that we tend to equate pain in grief with evidence of our love for someone...(something like that)..

I'm not sure I can find the exact quote you're thinking of, but I certainly can validate your point. In grief we DO tend to measure the depth of our love for the one we've lost by the level of pain we're experiencing in their absence ~ which leads to our reluctance to "give up" the pain, because on some level (whether consciously or not) we equate holding onto pain with holding onto love. 

As I've written elsewhere:

If I've learned anything from the life I've lived (and I am not young) it is this: The only effective way to ease one's own suffering is to reach out to others who are suffering. Life is filled with suffering ~ but it is also full of the overcoming of it. I encourage you to give up the notion that one day you'll stop hurting over your loss of Buddy. Instead, focus on how you can learn to live with that pain. Accept it as the price you paid for loving him so much. And then find a way to celebrate all that love and make it count. Make his life with you matter. Make it be as important for others as it was for you . . . [Pet Loss: When Nothing Eases The Pain]

I also want to point you to a quotation that appears in another of my articles, In Grief: When The Pain of Loss Won't Go Away, written by author and hospice pioneer Christine Longaker, two years into her grief at losing her beloved husband:

Instead of letting go of our attachment as we grieve, we can make the mistake of grasping on to the deceased person even more strongly. Halfway through the second year after my husband's death, the cycles of intense pain and sadness were continuing, and I felt a fresh fear that my grief would never finish. Part of me wanted to ignore this intense pain returning month after month, to push it down and avoid it all together. Yet I suspected that repressing my own pain would not help in the long run either, so I decided to bring more awareness to my situation. I asked myself if I was doing anything that might be prolonging the mourning process. 
Then I uncovered the secret thoughts I was generating each time I felt deep sadness and pain: I can't live without you. I hate being alone. I want you back. There was so much grasping in my mind, so many wishes that could never be satisfied! If I continued to think and feel this way, I realized, there would be no end to my grief and despair. It was clear that I needed to replace my grasping with a new way of thinking: I am letting you go and wishing you well. I am going to survive and be strong. I am going to make a new life for myself. When I felt the deep pain and sadness rising again, I began practicing letting go in this way. After a few months of taking this approach, my process of mourning finished (Facing Death and Finding Hope: A Guide To The Emotional and Spiritual Care Of The Dying, p. 168). 

[Coco Forever]

Gracie,Kayc + Michelle thank you for your lovely replies + as already been stated it’s comforting to know that we can come on this great site to express how we are feeling as well as giving each other support even more so now the dark cold days (UK) are quickly approaching which I absolutely dread and Michelle my heart goes out to you in what must be a year for you to forget  + Roxie is a little beauty.Prayers to you all + I hope everyone stays heathy in mind + body in these craziest of times.

Frankie xx

[Gracie4ever]

Thank you for all the information and guidance, Marty. I need to read all of this and put it into practice, too.

[kayc]

On 10/5/2020 at 8:49 AM, Dogmom said:

I am afraid that if I don't cry, that it means that I am not thinking about her as often, and that then I am betraying her memory.

It's not our grief that binds us to them, it's our love, and that continues still.  Whether we cry or whether we don't, it's not a measure of our love or our grief...we who are here are the ones that have someone to mourn, because we had someone to love.  My heart will always belong to my Arlie, that will not change with the passage of time, my love will continue long past the adjustments and changes that have taken place, I will always remember my sweet beautiful boy with the infectious smile!

I've found this article helpful:
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/06/in-grief-feeling-guilty-for-feeling.html

[kayc]

On 10/5/2020 at 8:49 AM, Dogmom said:

We are all in this nightmare together

Yes, and I am very thankful for that.  Sending you love and hugs!

[kayc]

23 hours ago, Gracie4ever said:

Michele and Kay, people that feel that one animal should replace another, they just don't get it.

For sure!  They create their own unique spot in our hearts that no one else replaces!  We can go on to have another pet and have a deep love and attachment for that one also, but nothing will ever be exactly like what you had with your other one because each one is unique and brings their unique qualities to the table. 

 

[Dogmom]

You are all so articulate and comforting in your responses, and you truly understand the depth of our bonds with our loved ones and the resultant emotional distress living with their loss. Thank you for the kind words, love, and virtual hugs. It means so much! If it wasn't for this forum, I would have no one to "talk to" about how I feel. It is my safe zone, and your words really do make a difference. 💗 

Thank you Marty and Kay for the helpful articles... 

 

[amboehlen]

I know this is an older topic but I just came across it, it hits really close to home. We unexpectedly had to put my baby down yesterday. I've had him since I was 3 years old, and he gave me 21 love filled years. I'm scared for night to come, because I don't want to crawl into bed without him following me and snuggling up next to me. I don't want to sleep through the night without waking up to him sitting between my legs. 

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. It sounds like there was so much love between you two.

[Coco Forever]

7 hours ago, amboehlen said:

I know this is an older topic but I just came across it, it hits really close to home. We unexpectedly had to put my baby down yesterday. I've had him since I was 3 years old, and he gave me 21 love filled years. I'm scared for night to come, because I don't want to crawl into bed without him following me and snuggling up next to me. I don't want to sleep through the night without waking up to him sitting between my legs. 

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. It sounds like there was so much love between you two.

My heart goes out to you on your loss and you’ve prob heard this many times already but 21yrs is some longevity but 1yr or 21 the grief is still the same and an empty bed at night is something I’ve not yet got used to although one of the neighbours cats is still preferring to stay with me rather than her own home but as I’ve already posted I still tend to cry a lot so maybe she can sense my grief and pain or she just likes a quiet house as the neighbour has young children.Either way she’s company especially as we’ve gone into yet another lockdown which makes the loss of my boy even harder to take as the many restrictions now placed on us regarding social interactions and seeing family are now banned so I feel his loss even more now we have to stay at home a lot of the time.Sending love to all

Frankie x

[paula__]

Hi, I'm so sorry to read your words because I understand the feelings you describe so much, I've come to this forum for help various times since I lost my dog five months ago... And I have been hurting the most lately. But please don't listen to those terrible voices that tell you the easy way to end the pain, I know it's not easy at all to do it, but there has to be a way to get help or relief even if it seems impossible now. Maybe it's talking to a friend, a therapist or people on this forum. Remember that you're not alone in this because you can always express yourself in here ❤️

Also it warms my heart to see all the replies you got, that's something nice. I don't know what else to say to try and make you feel better but I felt I needed to reply ❤️ I'm sending you hope

[Coco Forever]

Six months today

You finally slipped away

Not a day has gone by

When I haven’t had a cry

 

How they flew by

All those years 

Now only memories

Filled with my tears

 

When I close my eyes 

You are running free

Oh how I wish

That it could be you and me

 

I know deep down in my heart

That can never be

So Coco my beautiful boy

It’s time for you to run free

 

My life is a darker place without you.Love you forever Coco❤️

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Dogmom]

Oh Frankie... you have me in tears. This is a beautiful  tribute to Coco. You are so good with your words and talented at writing poems. I love this picture of Coco at the beach. Did he like to go in the water? 

I am so sorry for the loss of your best friend. It’s been 7 months for me without Roxie. Still crying every day. I think I always will... there’s so much sadness in my heart. 

I wish I could give you a hug. I know we both very much miss our babies and could use an understanding hug. 
 

I’m hoping life brings you some happy moments to help soften your pain and lighten the darkness. 
 

hugs,

Michele
 

 

[Gracie4ever]

What a beautiful tribute to Coco, I've got tears streaming down my face, too.

[Coco Forever]

Thanks Michele + Gracie for your kind words.As a matter of fact he hated the beach as there was nothing for him to smell + lick so I think deep down he was a park dog + he only paddled in the water as he was quite wary.I wrote a long poem just after he’d passed which I now have framed so I will try to put it on here in the next few weeks.Oh what a horrible year to forget as we in the UK have gone back into a very strong lockdown as no socialising or seeing family is now banned so these dark cold nights are going to be even harder to bear + the thought of not seeing him rip open him presents on Christmas Day fills me with dread so with everything that’s going on this year for me will be just a normal day.Like you Michele I still have a cry most days but I’m trying to accept his passing with the fact he’s no longer suffering + in pain although this is easier said than done.I still have the neighbours cat for company but this is probably because I feed her well but I honestly do believe she senses my inner sadness especially when I’m crying as she likes to sit on my lap.Michele,Gracie + all fellow pet lovers I send hugs,prayers + peace + hope as time passes our grief fades away.

Frankie xx

[Gracie4ever]

Dear Frankie,

Today and pretty much every time I cry, I start bawling. Sometimes if I’m out somewhere and feel like crying, I have to try and hold it in until I’m home. I try to remember that my girl is not suffering, too, and I know that was the right decision. The suffering in my heart that this is the harsh reality...it’s so much to bear. My Mom took in a homeless cat and he’s nearly twice as big as my girl was. He likes to climb onto me and rub his face on my chin or neck...he gives me some comfort. I try to take it in and enjoy it, telling myself that my girl would want to see me receiving comfort from her kind, plus she would want me to show love to the animals I can be with. I’m so sorry for the strong lockdown you have. It keeps us safer but it has lasted so long and when we are missing our fur babies it’s so hard. I’m glad the cat likes to sit on your lap. Take in that comfort whenever you can. Sending you hugs, prayers and peace too, dear. I’m so thankful for this group and people like you. We are truly in this, together.