Always thought we had tomorrow

[nashreed]

Butt away. I haven't looked into it. I might- it's just that I really left a lot of the actual furniture I had behind, because I knew I didn't have a huge storage unit and so, for example, I left my bed in Tulsa and am using my childhood bed. My Mom would probably not let me move it. I think it's implied by my brother that I get to live rent free here, but I need to look after my Mom. She doesn't need help now, but she is 84, and I don't think he liked having her alone when he's at work in the evening. It is very hard to talk to him about anything that is not superficial. I still don't think they have any plans for her passing, and they don't talk about it.

[Kieron]

Do you qualify for Medicaid?  In some states it's called Medical Assistance.  If your situation applies, it might be worth checking into as it covers whatever Medicare does not.  It might open a door somewhere down the line.  And Kay's comment about subsidized housing/low income housing wait lists is solid.  You at least would have something to fall back on for living space... eventually.  People drop off the wait lists for lack of response, no phone, moved away etc. so you might see your name hop and skip right on up the wait list registry.  At least that is often how is it in my state.

[nashreed]

Thanks. I didn't want to derail the thread. I guess this could be where the tomorrow you thought you had became the tomorrow you didn't want, but have to live with. I lived alone for a month and a half after Annette was taken, and I hated that too. I used to walk around the neighborhood because I couldn't stand my own company. I think I am better with that. I actually have gotten lazy and complacent with not having to worry about the bills and upkeep of my own place. It might be the kick in the butt I need. 

[Gwenivere]

You’ve faced so many upheavals since Annette’s death.  Stuff that is usually tackled after a year or more.  I can see why it is complicating your grief.  That upends everything and to have to move, make decisions about possessions and adapt to living in a place that’s not our home anymore would challenge the strongest person.  Probably cripple them too.  I feel for you that you cannot talk about this with your family.  It’s such a part of you now.  I’d rather be alone than have that ignored.  

We can offer suggestions, but only you know the full intricacies of your situation.  You’ve gotten worldly ones to consider.  I wish you had someone in real life to talk to because you really need that.  Some kind of confidant.  

We have such limited energy trying to process it.  Having to spend it on such decisions is like running on fumes and hope will get you to a refueling stop.  

 

[nashreed]

51 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

You’ve faced so many upheavals since Annette’s death.  Stuff that is usually tackled after a year or more.  I can see why it is complicating your grief.  That upends everything and to have to move, make decisions about possessions and adapt to living in a place that’s not our home anymore would challenge the strongest person.  Probably cripple them too.  I feel for you that you cannot talk about this with your family.  It’s such a part of you now.  I’d rather be alone than have that ignored.  

We can offer suggestions, but only you know the full intricacies of your situation.  You’ve gotten worldly ones to consider.  I wish you had someone in real life to talk to because you really need that.  Some kind of confidant.  

We have such limited energy trying to process it.  Having to spend it on such decisions is like running on fumes and hope will get you to a refueling stop.  

 

Thanks. Yeah, I don't have anybody in "real life", but you all are very helpful and keep me from going completely nuts, so thank you.

[JimJim]

Definately appears to be a difficult time for you, and your right the market is flooded,  so having all this and then having your feelings over losing the Love of your life, only compounds the pressure!! don't know if you served in the military, as there are many benefits open to vets! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[nashreed]

Oh, no. I don't think I would have even passed the physical. I was a 90 pound weakling in my youth. 

[kayc]

21 hours ago, nashreed said:

it's just that I really left a lot of the actual furniture I had behind, because I knew I didn't have a huge storage unit

When my son was in college he built his own bed and acquired most of his furniture on craigslist.  I do remember his acquisition of a beautiful cherry wood table, anywhere from 24" to 102" so would fit anywhere.  Everyone in the family chipped in and got him a matching folding chair (he has 6-8 of them), he still uses them!  He did refinish it at some point and put a durable finish on it to last through the kids.

18 hours ago, nashreed said:

I didn't want to derail the thread.

Hahahaha, us DERAIL???  Never! 

More seriously though, I'm glad you feel it helps to have this place to come to...like it or not, you're one of us now.

[nashreed]

I am glad to have a place to vent periodically. I feel isolated, like we all do. I just miss having that person that I could talk to and tell everything to throughout the day- what I dreamt, what silly thing I read on the internet... Nobody could ever be all Annette was, but I don't even have a friend to text. It gets lonely when your family is self absorbed and pretty selfish. It was never a problem before I married Annette because I didn't know any better, that I could have somebody that cared about my feelings and what I thought. My family only cares if it matches their interests, but we have very different interests. I have a roof over my head, so I shouldn't be greedy. 

[Gwenivere]

We all have things to be grateful for.  I honor that.  The inner pain and turmoil, however, can overshadow that in very stressful times.  I feel that about Steve, of course.  Now I live with pain anytime I am on my feet.  It’s hard to appreciate so much of what we built together.  Your family is now different to you because of Annette.  I’ve been living for years having no one to tell those little things to.  It’s very lonely that way.  I can’t email or call the very few people I know every time I have a thought.  I understands missing that so much.  Do they want to hear about the squirrel that tormented the dog for the upteenth time?   I feel bad for you because you are with people that don’t connect with you.  I can’t imagine living with people that didn’t.  At least I feel lonely because there is no one here.  But I can cry or scream or stare off with it affecting anyone or be questioned. I’d be taking a lot if walks.  Not trying to be flippant, but I know the need for connection and how draining being others can be that don’t get it.  I recently updated a 'friend' who said they wanted to know how my life is after a few years.  I kept as simple as I could and  the reply was 'I don’t know what to say, I’ll be back'.  And they 'loved' me.  Odd way to show it, but I wasn’t surprised because I’m supposed to be 'better' by now.  She didn’t even comment on my physical decline at least.  I doubt I will hear anything for a long time, if ever.  This behavior is her MO for anything serious beyond her life.  I read thru her novel about husband and kid.  Told her how happy I was for them all.  When we don’t get that in return, it hurts.  People don’t realize how fragile we are when we are broken.

[nashreed]

I totally get it Gwen. Most people just want to hear themselves talk, and want to talk about themselves. Annette wasn't like that. She genuinely cared about what others thought and their lives. So her sister and Dad would always call her when they had problems and wanted to talk about themselves, and she would listen and offer advice. They truly miss her and I've tried to be there for them. They care about me, but I can only give them cursory info about myself- it always goes back to them. My family is the same. They only want to say what they think and don't need to hear my opinion. Annette was a saint. She lost a lot of friends only because they wouldn't reciprocate a little of what she gave them. She was always there for people, over her own needs. I'm the only one she could express her true self to- and the same for me. She knew my heart and understood me. At this point I would take anybody I could just express a real sentiment to. I'm sorry you couldn't even get a courtesy sympathy reply from your "friend". By and large, people are selfish. They only care about themselves. I care about others.  I have nothing but time now, but nobody who cares about me. My mom, only because I'm her son, but I can't express what I really feel to her anymore. We had a lot of good phone conversations after Annette passed, but in person she's so hard of hearing, I don't even bother to talk much now. Her Dad does care, but he's actually a COVID denier and I need to figure out how to not go see him this month now because of the risk  What an f'ed up world.

[kayc]

I am so thankful I have my sister Peggy, we talk on the phone every day.  About all the trivial things in our lives as well as the big things.  Usually 1/2 hour to an hour.  It helps both of us.  But I don't know what I'll do when she goes, there's no one else I'm as close to, and you feel like you're bothering people if you call them.  They have lives, they have husbands.  They have kids in their lives.  I'm very alone and well aware of it, I have been for 15 1/2 years.  I had a best friend for ten years and then she moved to TX to remarry.  We used to get together often and I miss her.  Sigh.  Life now seems to be about loss and struggle.

[Gwenivere]

people just don’t quite know hat to do with us that have experienced a partners death.  I understand why they don’t.  That doesn’t stop the emptiness I feel when I hear another 'I’m sorry' or 'it must be so had'.  Reminds me of the old saying.....if I had a nickel.....  

It’s sad if we feel we have to abandon once friendships because of this.  Friends normally are there for us, thus why we are friends.  There are people that have friends and I’m so glad they do.  Like your sister, Kay.  I’ve never used the word lightly.  It carried responsibility on both sides.  My issues with this former friend are long standing.  She’s lied, let me down, pulled away when needed. I wasn’t really surprised by her minor reply, more so she replied period.  Anyway, it’s just another blip on the journey in this new 'life'.  I’m giving up any expectations of people.  Had too many let me down.  One told me she didn’t want to be an emergency contact anymore.  That stung hard.  It’s the responsibility thing.  Tho she wouldn’t have to do much now as I have Melody covered.  This is even hard to type realizing how alone I’ve become not thru my choosing.  I’ve left her as a contact as she knows where paperwork is to hand off if/when needed.  It’s the not wanting to be involved, I thought she cared deeper given our history.  

Well, off to a fun filled day of my housekeeper, oxygen delivery and I’m sure another frustrating telemedicine visit my my doc.  I called the surgeon yesterday for guidance on this escalating pain and they swiftly did NOT reply as of yet.  And if course the weekend is here so no hopes of help.   

DW repair coming tomorrow which will be costly and frustrating for a problem they pushed into a plumber that cost me and found no problems.  Mel needs vaccinations and her nails trimmed and I can barely walk from one end of the house to the other.  Means the mobile vet that is high cost too.  I’m 65 and feel 90.  ☹️

 

 

 

[nashreed]

I'm 50 with a birthday next week which I wish I could just sleep through or skip to January already. Literally nothing to look forward to. My family isn't even into Christmas this year. 

It's hard to find a friend who actually wants to be there and listen. In our spouses we had a lover, a friend and everybody we would ever want or need in life, Now I realize how lonely it is without that one person. Now I wish I had made some long lasting friends (or hadn't blown up the couple I had).

[JimJim]

I can understand that some people are afraid to discuss mortality, like it's some kind of bug you can catch, appreciate it when somebody who didn't know that my Nancy left the physical world, will jut simply tell me they are sorry, and leave it at that, have a co-worker of Hindu origin, trying to tell me according to his faith, now I understand that people are trying to help, and I don't fault them for that, but please do not try to lecture me on the after processes, as is both private and personal, just a simple sorry will suffice. In the beginnings friends were calling me wanting to talk about Nancy and their personal memories of her, that didn't last too long, now when speaking with them if I attempt to steer the conversation that way, will get just a quick acknowledgement, with them moving onto other topics, again I understand that their lives have remain untouched, that this is only a forgotten memory for them, they don't comprehend that this is not a memory for me, this is the pain and anguish that I have to live with on a second to second basis.  I had to post on Facebook the Yahrzeit Memorial candle that I lit yesterday in remembrance of Nancy's passing two years ago Dec 3rd, the day the world stopped for me, to remind family and friends, otherwise would have been only me, I mean that's okay if just me, but I try to give others the benefit of the doubt, but are getting notifications now, strange thing did not receive any word from her only sister, guess she's moved on, oh well!! everyone take care, and be safe.

[scba]

No. They don't know and they don't understand. We learn to forgive them for that and we wish to them to never go through what we have had.

The cruel reality in our culture is that grievers stop talking about their beloved ones, about their pain and their struggles. Doesn't matter if you're a public persona. Nancy Reagan admitted "it hasn't got better". 

 

[nashreed]

22 minutes ago, JimJim said:

I can understand that some people are afraid to discuss mortality, like it's some kind of bug you can catch, appreciate it when somebody who didn't know that my Nancy left the physical world, will jut simply tell me they are sorry, and leave it at that, have a co-worker of Hindu origin, trying to tell me according to his faith, now I understand that people are trying to help, and I don't fault them for that, but please do not try to lecture me on the after processes, as is both private and personal, just a simple sorry will suffice. In the beginnings friends were calling me wanting to talk about Nancy and their personal memories of her, that didn't last too long, now when speaking with them if I attempt to steer the conversation that way, will get just a quick acknowledgement, with them moving onto other topics, again I understand that their lives have remain untouched, that this is only a forgotten memory for them, they don't comprehend that this is not a memory for me, this is the pain and anguish that I have to live with on a second to second basis.  I had to post on Facebook the Yahrzeit Memorial candle that I lit yesterday in remembrance of Nancy's passing two years ago Dec 3rd, the day the world stopped for me, to remind family and friends, otherwise would have been only me, I mean that's okay if just me, but I try to give others the benefit of the doubt, but are getting notifications now, strange thing did not receive any word from her only sister, guess she's moved on, oh well!! everyone take care, and be safe.

I'm glad you made it through yesterday. I try to keep Annette's memory alive to her sister. She is a total dog lady and rescues and fosters and one of her old fosters passed today, and I always try to say things like "Now Annette has a new friend up there". Her sister had an instance this past week that I believe was Annette being there for her when she needed it. 

I desperately am trying to keep her "alive" on earth by keeping her things and keeping her in conversations with her family, but it gets harder and harder. Maybe everybody is well aware of their mortality with the pandemic. I know I think I'd rather die than be on a respirator. I'm supposed to be on a CPAP and I can't even do that.

[JimJim]

Thank you, yesterday I went to visit a medium, and also had a session with a Metaphysics instructor, both went well, my main focus as well is to keep Nancy's memory alive, I converse with her each day, all day, we are avid animal lovers, sorry to hear about the passing of one of the fosters. CPAP for sleep apnea, hope that situation changes for you where you're able to get the machine! I keep a shrine dedicated to Nancy, still have all of her clothes, shoes, purses, everything I kept, and keep all of it the same as before, clothes in the dresser, things in the closet on hangers, shoes in the rack, in my eyes she is still here, now I understand the reality of course, but this is my only way of dealing with it, cause in my eyes she can still see and hear me, so I respond the same, after 24 years, good habits are hard to break. a friend suggested that I give her clothes to the needy, right now I am the needy. 

[kayc]

Quite honestly, I've seen "friends" turn out to not be!  It's fine when you're young and having fun together but when life happens and it gets rough...they're gone.  We're alone.

JimJim, I agree with your statement that a simple "I'm sorry" would suffice, no one needs a lecture right now!    Nor can they  presume to know what this is like.  Not even in their wildest imagination.

Gwen, good luck with the DW repairman!  So far no luck with the contractor on my garage/storage building.  Wake me when this is over!  Not having fun, Kodie's my bright spot, if not for him...IDK.

[scba]

55 minutes ago, kayc said:

Nor can they  presume to know what this is like.  Not even in their wildest imagination

Exactly! You find yourself in a platitudes' party. And that's rightly painful! they cause extra pain, which you don't need it and not from friends.

A long time friend, who even met my boyfriend (mostly didn't cause we lived abroad) she spoke about closing doors, about possible things from my bf past and his way of being with his sickness who may have caused his death. Another one dared to say that my boyfriend hidden the gravity of his illness to me, he should have prepared me for the possibility..... 

With these people in the few occasions I casually meet them I keep things as impersonal as they can be. I wish them the best but they're not part of my life anymore. 

 

[Kieron]

34 minutes ago, scba said:

Another one dared to say that my boyfriend hidden the gravity of his illness to me, he should have prepared me for the possibility..... 

oh for God's sake.  how heartless.  I don't blame you for placing them in the "impersonal" category in your life.

[nashreed]

15 hours ago, JimJim said:

Thank you, yesterday I went to visit a medium, and also had a session with a Metaphysics instructor, both went well, my main focus as well is to keep Nancy's memory alive, I converse with her each day, all day, we are avid animal lovers, sorry to hear about the passing of one of the fosters. CPAP for sleep apnea, hope that situation changes for you where you're able to get the machine! I keep a shrine dedicated to Nancy, still have all of her clothes, shoes, purses, everything I kept, and keep all of it the same as before, clothes in the dresser, things in the closet on hangers, shoes in the rack, in my eyes she is still here, now I understand the reality of course, but this is my only way of dealing with it, cause in my eyes she can still see and hear me, so I respond the same, after 24 years, good habits are hard to break. a friend suggested that I give her clothes to the needy, right now I am the needy. 

JimJim, I am endlessly fascinated with the possibility of seeing a medium, and you were able to see one in person? Do you see different ones or stick with the same one? So does the medium tell you things that only Nancy could know? Does the medium say she's in Heaven and is able to watch what you're doing? So many questions. I just worry that seeing a medium would make it seem like I am questioning my faith. I'm not into organized religion, but I know Annette is in Heaven- I have no doubt. I don't want to offend her or "bother" her. I do talk to her in the morning and try to collect my thoughts and make them make sense at the same time. 

[MartyT]

This topic has come up before in our forums. See, for example, 

 

 

[JimJim]

Hello everyone, I have been to two separate psychic mediums, for a total no of about 6 times in the past year, now technically most mediums will describe themselves as being psychic, being able to do future readings and all that, as they can also act as life coaches, from the two that I visited with, neither one of them speak in religious matters, they haven't acknowledged neither heaven or hell as a place where people go in the afterlife, rather they speak of separate multi dimensions, whereas when you leave the physical body and it's 3D dimensional world, you return to your spiritual state where you were prior to being born, like when meditating, to truly meditate well is when you reach a higher vibrational state, mediums are in a higher state of vibration all the time, and yes she did tell me things only Nancy would know, or that I would only know, for instance, when walking into the room, the first thing she asked me was if it was an anniversary of some kind, that Nancy was sending her images of the two of us dressed up in a chapel setting, I didn't tell her it was our 26th wedding anniversary, there is no way she could have known this, among other facts she knew spot on, I recommend them as there is some comfort when leaving the session, even for non believers, as at least within that hour you an someone else are able to relive those past memories that we cherish, and a sensed hope that we will be back together one day, oh and yes according to Heather and Tracy, I was told that Nancy is with me as often as she can be, but that where she is, is being kept very busy with her Mother and Father and other lost relatives, and that because she is new to the spiritual world, there's quite a bit of adjusting to the non physical world, she is now on a spiritual journey of her own, so I take comfort in this, at least knowing she is okay, and not afraid, and the ending message is that when I pass over, she will be there for me, and will be HOME again.

[nashreed]

That's very cool, Jim. So if that's true, Annette is spending a lot of time with her Mom and Grandpa, as well as checking on me and her sister and Dad. As long as she's happy, I can make it through the day. I only just want her to be good. Did they tell you if Nancy ever tries to communicate or get your attention? I'd love to see a medium in person, but they're not exactly essential businesses in Southern California. I will someday. I'm glad that it gives you peace, Jim. I can't wait to see what it's like on the other side.