New To Group

[JandE905]

Hi, I am new to this website. My husband passed away on April 27, he was only 34 years old. He went to sleep and never woke up the next morning.I was the one who found him. We were watching the flyers game the night before. We had some drinks and a good time. My husband was on medication that had warning labels about mixing alcohol with his prescriptions. My husband was the slim percentage of people who die from this. I was only 33 and a widow. We have 2 children. Our daughter is 13 and my son was about to turn 3 when this happened. Eric was my one & only love. We met when we were 13 and have been together ever since. We have gone through everything together. We were soul mates. My life has been turned upside down and I feel completely alone. I still don't believe that this has happened. I feel that I am in another world, a nightmare too. I am still waiting for him to come home from work or get a phone call from him. I have so many emotions that sometimes I just can't handle. I tried a few counselors but they didn't help. I don't want to go to a support group and so a friend recommended this website. I don't even know where to begin with all the feelings and emotions that I have. I still feel in shock. I have never been by myself. I still have feelings that I want to die also. I am on medication for sleeping and depression. I can get through my days at work but my nights are the hardest. I still have break downs during the day at work though. I feel like my second home now is the cemetery. I am currently waiting for his headstone to put in. Eric's birtday is the 15th of his month. We would've celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary this past september. The holidays are coming and I honestly don't know how I am going to get through them. I have decided to stay home with my kids for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Eric was so full of life. The life of the party. He could make anyone laugh and he was a great friend to everyone. He was a dialysis technician. His patients loved him. He has so much more to do in life. I am the quiet one. I am the one who just takes life as it is. I don't look how to make myself better. Eric was always looking to make our lives better. I am having a hard time being the only parent for the kids. I feel so alone by myself. I miss having someone to talk to. Even simple little things. Eric is my best friend. I don't know how to live without him. Thank you to everyone for listening to me.

[karenb]

Hi....I'm so terribly sorry that this has happend for you and your children. I hope you find a little comfort here with these wonderful people. You are so young to have this happen. You have children that are such a blessing, please remember that all the time. Plase believe me, you will get through this - maybe with some scars - maybe with some hope, but you will. Just always remember that wonderful love you both had together and your lovely children. Sometimes, when you're the quiet one, things tend to come harder because you don't speak up. But here, no matter what time it is there's someone around who may be in a different time zone or awake, too, and needs to talk as well. It's difficult for any of us to give advice, except for what we've gone through. Mine is to try and go with the flow of emotions, cry when you need to (that happens way lot), try to surround yourself with loving, caring people, give those kids lots of hugs (so hard on them), take good care of yourself so you can take care of them - do whatever it is your intuition, emotions, and know that there's a lot of people who will help you, if you ask for it. Please, take care of yourself - it's so hard!

Your friend, Karen

[JandE905]

Thank you so much. As I am sitting here crying, my 3 yr old son comes to me with a tissue and wipes my tears off my face. I feel like I am putting my kids through even more stress and sadness but my emotions. Its been 6 months and I feel no different from what I felt on day one without my husband. Everyone tells me time will help but I don't see it happening. I still wear my wedding rings and his too now. I am still married and will be for the rest of my life!

Your friend,

Jenn

[WendyJ]

Jenn I am so sorry that you have to be here but I want to welcome you to our loving group. Please remember whatever you feel and go through we have also, or are going through it right now with you. Do not be afraid to open your heart to us, we all have done it and come here and look for us whenever you feel the need. For me it has been 19 months since I lost my husband, he was just 51 and I was 48 and had been with him since I was 15 and he was 18. Like with you he was fine the night before, got up the next morning and a blood clot went to his heart and he died very suddenly. I know it is hard with young children as it was hard for me with older girls but you will do it. You are about to find out how strong you are...I did and it wasn't easy but I am here today to say it can be done even though at times you think you can't go on.

Love Always,

Wendy

[Rosemary T]

Hi Jenn,

My husband also died unexpectedly last January. Believe me when I tell you that you are not alone. I can identify with how you feel but of course cannot know exactly because no one but you had what you have. Each of us is unique and so is our grief. You will find that most people here have a better understanding of what you are going through though. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it might be a lot longer before you feel much better. It has been 281 days for me and all I can tell you is I go on auto all the time. Even when it seems to others that I am doing ok, I really am not. I am a little older than you and was with my Lou about twice as long. I did not, however, have any children with him. He was my only reason for living and right now I really do not know why I am here. I try not to think about it and just take it one day at a time and keep busy. Sounds like you are trying that too!

Perhaps in time, your children will give you some joy in that you will see your husband in their faces. A piece of him lives on. Of course you love your children and they will bring you joy in their own right, but now your pain is probably overshadowing everything else. I bet you even have some guilt about not feeling "grateful" enough for your children! That is another part of this grief journey; the constant guilt about everything and anything.

Keep checking in and posting and reading. You may decide to stay away for awhile but keep the site handy so you can always get back quickly. I sorry you have had to suffer this pain. I know there are millions of people that are giving so much less to the world than your hubby did. Why so many of the "best" ones have to go is a real mystery to most of us.

Take care of yourself and hang in there!

Rosemary

[NancyM]

Hi Jenn,

I think of you often and you and the kids are always in my prayers, but I wanted to offer you some food for thought in hopes it may ease a little of the pain you are going through.

A few months after my mom passed someone told me to always remember to live a good life and be happy and that would be the the best way to honor my mom. I thought to myself, "well that's easier said than done" in the midst of my grief how could I even think of being happy, but I started to think of my children and how they would feel when I pass, I realize they will be sad but as a mother you always want your children to be happy and enjoy life. So, as hard as it is for you missing Eric, also remember how much he loved life, everyone that knew him knows this about him, take all the time you need to grive the loss of his presence, but what an honor to him if you could eventually try and enjoy life, I know that's what Eric would want for you and the kids. Take little steps to enjoy just one thing each day in honor of Eric, and I will bet he will be smiling down on you and be proud.

Love, Nancy

[LarrysGirl]

Hello Jenn, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. This group is filled with kind people going thru grief like you. We've all come here in shock and disbelief and are trying to find our way. If I could say one thing to you right now it would be to take it very slow. Don't expect too much of yourself in this early stage. I will be at three years on the 16th of this month (so hard to believe) and I have my rings on, don't intend to remove them. This is all going to take alot of time for your mind and heart to understand what has happened. I know it must be alot on your shoulders taking care of your children and dealing with this loss but you can do this. Please take care of yourself as best you can. Deborah

[dpodesta]

Jenn,

I completely understand where you are coming from. My wife died when I was 36 and my son was 6. It has now been over 2 years. I had those thoughts of wanting to die and take my life. I was also on medications for sleeping and depression. I did find that the group sessions were very helpful for me and my getting better. Just hang in there the next few months will seem like they are getting harder and harder. I will tell you however that it will get better. It will take time. Coming to this site is the best thing you can do, there are a lot of caring people here that will help you. I have been thorugh a lot in these past 2 1/2 years and the people on this site can attest to how far I have come. I am not going to tell you it will be easy, because it won't. But if you take it one step, or even one hour at a time you will get through this. Because of your age, you will likely get a lot of comments of "You are young you will find someone again" For now ignore them, they don't know what they are saying. When you hear that your instinct will be to say to yourself "I don't want anyone else, I want him". Just remember this is normal and unfortunately people out there don't understand and think that it is supposed to help you feel better. You and I know that it so. So just let it go in one ear and out the other. Keep coming here and don't feel like you are a bother, a lot of us here feel that when we are helping others, we are helping ourselves. I know it will be difficult raising children without their dad, I know it has been hard raising my son without his mom but I am making it, and starting to rebuild my life and my family. Take care and God Bless

Love Always

Derek

[singledad2]

Jenn,

I'm sitting here with a terrible image of your grief after the loss of your husband. I too lost my wife at a comparably young age-45. The suddenness of life being wonderful one minute, and the next minute having to realize that you are living a nightmare, can be overwhelming. I lost my beautiful Julie on March 31st, and have 4 wonderful children that I am now raising. As I have told others before, there are no magic words that anyone can say to take away your pain. Life will never be the same again for any of us. We have to find,adjust, and adapt to a new 'normal' in our daily lives. Just as you mentioned, I also experience feelings of deja vu when I occasionally expect her to give me a call or walk through the door, or when I reach for the phone to tell her some exciting news. That numb feeling hits when I realize that I can no longer share those times with her. My 18 year-old daughter had to have a medical procedure completed today and due to the feminine nature of the surgery, she waited until last Thursday to let me know that anything was wrong. Julie would have been the one to discuss that with her and her doctor before. Instead, I found myself sitting in pre-op at 6:15 a.m. across the table with her gynecologist. Of course I'm going to be there for her during these times and every other one, but this wasn't how it was supposed to be. My point is that we have all learned that nothing in life is certain. I believe each of us quickly develops an even stronger appreciation for those who are most important in our lives. We all might wish that we had done things differently in some manner, or worse yet, we play the 'what if I had only done this or that' game. Hang in there Jenn. There are some wonderful people here to whom you can pour your heart out. Unlike some friends and neighbors who will tell you that they can imagine your pain, we have truly felt it. We will be supportive and understanding when things get the best of you and you just need to vent out of anger, sadness, or any one of a number of emotions that can hit you. We are here for you, as others have been here for us.

SD2

Edited November 6, 2008 by singledad2

[mlg]

I can only say "ditto" to the things that have been said here. In a little less than 2 weeks I will be 10 months out and like you there are days that I feel it is actually worse than the day that he died and the next few days. I think then I was numb and now I'm not. Like Rosemary said, it may even get worse before it gets better. You will have sudden moments when you want to scream, nobody wants to be around you because you cry, you have to have a notebook to keep things straight because you just can't think and then there is the no sleep thing. You'll have lots of could of, should of, would of, in only's. Just go with them.

Hopefully between work and your children you can keep yourself occupied but like most of us the nights are oh, so lonely. Just remember to take care of yourself too, even if it is just a hot bath. The people here are very supportive and there is nothing that you can't say. Know that there are lots of hugs here.

[kayc]

JandE905,

Welcome to this site. Here you will find some really caring people who have been through or are going through the exact same things as you mentioned. Right now you are right on where you can be expected to be in your grief journey and six months out is particularly difficult.

The best thing I can tell you is you will eventually learn to deal with this, and try not to feel too overwhelmed, just look at today, no more, one day at a time, and be very understanding and kind to yourself. Please feel free to come on line here and get it all off your chest, it helps. You will make friends here and know you are understood, and that will help.

Whatever any of us does to survive the holidays is just fine...I would downsize shopping and activities unless you want to do them. My heart really goes out to you, I know this is hard, just keep coming back here. Absolutely everything you said is what we've felt.

You're in my thoughts and prayers,

KayC

[MartyT]

Jenn, dear ~

In addition to the warm welcome extended to you by so many of our members, I want to encourage you to spend some time (when you have the time, and the energy to do so) reading through the posts on this site, especially in this particular forum. You will discover that, even though it feels like it now, you are not alone in your grief journey. So many of your feelings and reactions are shared by the rest of us, and here you don’t have to apologize or explain yourself to anyone, because we all “get it.”

As a grief counselor, I believe very strongly that the more you can learn about what is normal in grief, the better prepared you will be to deal with whatever challenges you must confront, now and in the future. You will find no better source of information, comfort and support than what you will discover here, in this safe and compassionate community of fellow mourners. At some point I hope you’ll also pay a visit to our Grief Healing Web site, which contains dozens upon dozens of helpful resources that can help you better navigate whatever lies ahead. See especially these pages:

Site Map

Death of a Spouse

Child, Adolescent Grief

Articles on Coping with the Holidays

Because the holidays can be so difficult for those in mourning, especially for single parents with young children, be aware that many churches, hospices and mortuaries plan special workshops for the bereaved at this time of year ~ you might consider contacting your local hospice or mortuary to see if anything like that will be offered in your own community. (If you don’t have the time or the energy to do this sort of research yourself, think about asking a friend or relative to look into it on your behalf.)

In any event, I hope you can feel the warm embrace of those who’ve welcomed you to our GH family, Jenn, and please know that you are being held gently by every one of us.

[kath]

Dear Jenn,

I, too, am so very sorry for the loss of your dear husband. You have been together a long time so it is understandable how devastating this must feel. I can also relate to your concerns about being a single parent. My children were 9 and 10 when their dad died last year. We were always so happy that they would grow up with two loving parents. Now I'm a single mom and have many days wondering if I can handle it at all. To hear my kids talk, I really stink at it!

It takes a long time to find a new balance in a family after a death. The best visual I was given was like taking a piece off a mobile. It will bounce all over the place until it finally balances out and settles down. I have days when I think we are there, the three of us gently working together and hanging on without floundering. Then, on occassion, a wind comes along and we get a little shook up for a while before settling down again.

We spent the first year going to the cemetery nearly twice a day. The marker was delivered days before our wedding anniversary. My kids saw/see me cry (a lot.) They watched me be angry with God and found out it was okay. (He can handle it.) And they saw me tackle and take pride in things I never thought I could do (installed new light fixtures...) I looked desparately for someone to tell me my kids would be okay. No one I knew could do that for me. Yet somehow, one day at a time, we made it through storms and fears and sleepless nights. They never tire of me telling them stories about their dad. I talk about him constantly. We remember him with candles and pictures and write letters and laugh at all the goofy things he would say. Last Christmas I made a memory wreath and hung it in the living room so he would be there with us. I put all his favorite things on it (pictures of the kids and our dog, GI Joe rifles and hot wheels cars, poems, crystals, and so on.) I didn't take it down until the needles fell off sometime in March. My son gathered all the momentos and put them in a shoebox for the next year. Kids are resilient. I often wonder how they can be doing so well when I still miss him so much. Maybe its because, in my heart, and in all our activities, I keep Bob near. You will, too, for your children. It takes time. Be patient with yourself.

Take good care,

Kath

[kayc]

Kath and Jenn,

George and I found each other late in life but knew we were soulmates. We were only married 3 years and 8 months, but it was the best time in both of our lives. My kids were 17 and 19 (my daughter had moved out) when we married, but they quickly bonded with him and saw what it was that I saw in him. They loved him immediately and he was the best stepfather in the world. George once told me that of all the people in the world, he looked up to my son (then 17) the most. Feelings were mutual. My kids STILL grieve him, 3 1/2 years later. It is something we have come to accept, that grieving is forever, but it does change form, and becomes more palatable. We all miss him very much and have many memories that we carry in our hearts. He is irreplaceable. I can only imagine how it must feel to have gotten together as teenagers, spent your life together, had children together, and suddenly have to face life without...my heart goes out to you.

[WendyJ]

Kay,

As I was reading your post you made me realize just how very lucky that I am. I had that experience of falling in love very early, getting married to Steve and having 2 beautiful daughters, buying a home and being deeply in love. Sadly he was taken from me at a very early age and we were not able to live Happily Ever After. Up until recently I wondered how I could go on without someone whom I had been with since I was 15 years old. But, I have now found my soulmate in Derek and I can not begin to express how deep my love is for him. I agree that grieving is forever and that it just takes on a different form and yes I will love Steve and miss him so much my entire life but I do know that God brought Derek and I together as he knew we were meant to be together. Jenn I too am so sorry for what you are now going through and we are all here for you whenever you need us, this is a wonderful group where you can express your inner most feelings.

Love Always,

Wendy

[kayc]

Wendy,

Thank you for your response...and I am not one bit jealous of you! I am SO HAPPY you and Derek found love again in each other and are happy with each other! Love in this purest form is so rare, that I can only be grateful I had it once, and if anyone is fortunate enough to strike it twice, they are all the richer for it! I have known a lot of heartache in my life, it's true, but it only seems to set off love when you do find it...much like a black velvet background sets off a sparkling diamond. I am content knowing that George still loves me and I him, even if he isn't around now...we will see each other again.

[WendyJ]

Kay,

When I said that your post made me realize how lucky I was to find true love twice I meant just reading your words made me realize I had alot to be thankful for, I hope you don't think I meant that you were unlucky in any way...absolutely not. You and George had a very special love and so did Steve and I and I just know that it is rare for me to find that again and I am very thankful for that. If I didn't write that clearly or you misunderstood I am very sorry...I in no way meant anything for anyone to be jealous of. I love you dearly and I in no way meant anything other than I was agreeing with you, hey I have a good excuse for not thinking and writing clearly lately...I'm in love again ! Yes George does still love you dearly and I firmly believe you two will be together some day.

Love Always,

Wendy

[dpodesta]

Who is this Derek guy? I am jealous.

[WendyJ]

Oh dear..... Derek you made me laugh so hard I have tears running down my face !!!

Love You,

Wendy

[MikeC]

Jenn, I offer my condolences and welcome you to this group. As others have said, there are some wonderful people here who understand what you are going through and will be an excellent source of care and support. I am new to this, as well, although my wife Janet didn't die unexpectedly. She fought ovarian cancer for 3 years before succumbing to it in June. I am thankful I stumbled across this site - it helps me to be able to write about my feelings and have someone actually understand them. I don't have friends locally who have suffered the loss of a spouse, so this site is like a support group for me. I hope you find it to be beneficial, too.

Mike