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Hi everyone my name is mandi. I have very touched by all of your posts. I lost my b/f Joe 10 days ago to pancreatic cancer. He was only 58 yrs old. we had been together for 22 months. I watched him go from 250 lbs to 115 lbs in 15 months.

I know he is better off now. For his pain is no more but that doesn't stop the pain and emptiness in my heart. I sleep to escape the pain for when I am awake all I can do is think of him and cry.

signed mandi

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Hello Mandi, I'm so sorry for the loss. I'm glad you have posted here, it will help you and support you. My Larry died of liver cancer while waiting for a transplant. He was 49 and died the day before his birthday. Alot of the time the only thing that would bring any comfort was knowing he was not suffering anymore. Right now you have to take care of yourself and if you need to sleep then sleep. The pain is very hard and this is not easy. Please just keep coming here and sharing and that will help you. Again, I'm am so sorry, Deborah

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Hi Mandi

I am so sorry that you have lost your Joe. Cancer is a wicked disease and I wish they would find a cure for it.

As LarrysGirl has said, I am glad you have found us. The people here are so caring and have empathy. There may be times when you don't want to talk to people because you feel that they don't understand, which is fine ... just remember we are here during those times, especially when you feel very low.

There is no correct way to grieve. There is only your way. My personal opinion is, so long as you don't hurt anyone or yourself ... go with whatever works for you. And if you are sleeping, sleep.

Please try to eat a little, even if it's just a slice of toast each day. You might think you'll be sick, but you won't.

Keep posting, keep talking to us, it does help, little by little, one day at a time.

Boo

xx

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Mandi sorry about you loss...I lost my Ben in Feb he was 62yrs old and we had been together 33 yrs...I know exactly how you feel...but do try to eat and take care of yourself and post here everyone here has gone thru the same thing and believe me it helps to post because everyone understands and helps so much....Lucia

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Dear Mandy,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Joe. So sorry. Grief and how we manage with it is very individual, but the support that you can get by expressing your feelings here on this board seems to be really helpful to many. It has been for me.

One of the most difficult parts of going through my husbands fight to survive cancer was watching him suffer in any way at all.....from weight loss, to even a doctor saying anything at all discouraging to him.

Take care of yourself now...eat, sleep, and know that we understand and care about you.

Valley

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Mandi,

So sorry to hear about your loss. This is a great place for solace. It's such a tragic way to meet such kind people. I too lost my husband of only 5 years to cancer. He had just turned 49 when he passed away 4 mos. ago. It is all too unreal to wrap your head around. I still can't believe that it happened. Things aren't supposed to turn out this way.

We are so glad that you posted. Keep coming back and letting us know how you are doing. You are not alone.

Thinking of you

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Hi Mandi,

I am so sorry. I lost my husband a little over a year ago. Sleeping is good for the soul. Our body lets us know when we need to sleep. Some days I stay in my pajamas all day long and I don't feel guilty. Grief is hard work but it does get better.

Take care.

Mary Lou

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Mandi,

Please let me tell you how sorry I am. Your loss is fresh right now and very tremendous, it helps to express yourself here and know there are a lot of others who have been through it and understand. I send you (((hugs)))

Kay

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Mandi,

I ditto all the wonderful comments shared. Gosh I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I wish I could sleep and I envy Mary Lou, I wish I could stay in p'j's all day as I have a hard time slowing down and being in this house alone. It is so very painful to feel him everywhere in our home. My Scott just celebrated 6 months in heaven and there are still so many days that the pain is just unbearable. I have listened to all the other wonderful women share their examples and I listen when I read. I do try to take care of me and try so hard not to feel guilty about everything .. including living...

welcome

laurie

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Hi Mandi,

First of all, I want to give you my deepest sympathy and condolences for your loss. We are all here for the same reason, unfortunately.

I too am rather new here - my husband died of kidney cancer two weeks ago Saturday. And he too wasted away before my very eyes, God love him.

It is very, very rough. I am still in a kind of fog, myself. Have only been outside my house a very few times since the funeral and I still am crying a lot.

I have found the help and support here to be great and very helpful to me. I went to see my doctor today for checkup on my blood pressure, new script for anti-depressant medication, etc. She really took her time with me, wanted to know what I am doing to handle the grief. I mentioned that I had joined an online grief support group and she was very interested in knowing about it, if it helped me, etc.

Please post more Mandi. We want to hear from you.

DeeGee

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Ah, Mandi, this is such a difficult process and we have no choice but to deal with it. My heart aches for you as you start your journey. Fred passed away 10 weeks ago today. Although he had some health issues for some time, his death was unexpected as he had a heart attack and went into cardiac arrest. He lived for 10 days but was never himself. I still find myself asking why. I am just starting to process the idea that he isn't coming back. When I need to talk to people who understand, I come here. Take care.

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Mandi,

I am so very sorry to hear pf your loss.

Even though I do not get on that much anymore, I read posts and try to keep up with all of you,I am very depressed and find it hard to find the right words to say to anyone. My beloved husband died over 2 years ago at the age of 41, he died of cancer as well. We were together since high school and have 3 children together, they are adults now, but my 2 children suffer with chronic illnesses and require extra caring for. we were married 20 years and I too watched him unable to eat, walk, go to the restroom on his own and simple daily things. I miss him so much my heart breaks, I can't sleep and I eat very little, I know this is not the life Dan would have wanted for me but I just am not able to move forward I miss him so very much. I just want you to know on this site you will find love, compassion, care and all the most wonderful amazing people in the world. Many have brought inspiration, love, stories that will touch your heart to your soul!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep coming back and remember to take care of yourself!!!! Even when days seem why bother, eating is important, I know first hand. I am sorry to see another person go through this pain, but I do welcome you to this site which for me has brought me joy, and the true meaning of love and friendship. Thanks all, and keep coming back Mandi we all are always here. Love, Kim

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Dear Mandi,

I am sorry for your loss. You are in good company here. The pain and confusion can be overwhelming. Allow us to help whenever possible. We care deeply.

Kath

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Just lost my wife of 23 years a month ago. Last 2 years were really rocky due to a lot of factors...her health, job loss, alcoholism etc. and I am dealing with a lot of guilt about how I handled it the last several months of her life. She died of liver failure which I think we were both in denial about how serious her situation was. I'm lost without her.

Ted

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Mandi:

This is a safe place to pour out your soul, and while we all deal with grief in our own ways, here, you can see what has helped us.

Ted:

I know exactly what you mean by guilt - I lost my husband due to an infection undoubtedly brought on by a compromised immune system due to his alcoholism. For example, through an intervention, he entered an in-patient treatment centre. I will always wonder if he picked up the infection because he was around so many people (before that, he isolated himself, barely leaving our apartment for several months, except on the day in February that our daughter was born). I am also seeing a counselor.

Korina

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Ted,

my heart goes out to you, I hope you can find alanon and get some help with knowing the difficulties of alcoholism and how powerless you really were and are. My dad died of the disease as well and the guilt is hard. It is truly a cunning, baffling, disease and that support group was invaluable to me with my understanding. I am so sorry for your loss and hope you continue to share.. we are all here for you

laurie

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Ted,

my heart goes out to you, I hope you can find alanon and get some help with knowing the difficulties of alcoholism and how powerless you really were and are. My dad died of the disease as well and the guilt is hard. It is truly a cunning, baffling, disease and that support group was invaluable to me with my understanding. I am so sorry for your loss and hope you continue to share.. we are all here for you

laurie

"a cunning and baffling disease" is so true. Not only is there guilt, but a tremendous amount of anger that I try to direct at the disease for taking such a wonderful person. But my anger inevitably sometimes turns inward, as I question every move I made, and feel I should have done something earlier, understood the disease (as far as that goes...) earlier so that I could have saved him....I should have saved him. How could I be a failure with the most important person in my life? Sigh.... It are these feelings that underscore the need for support, such as this forum, alanon, counselor, etc.

Korina

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What exactly does alanon do and where do they meet? I should look it up on the internet but....don't feel like it right now.

Alanon is a support organization where relatives and friends of alcoholics meet to talk about their experiences as it relates to the alcoholic in their lives. It is not necessary to say anything, but you certainly are welcome to share. And meetings are held in confidence. And there is no cost, but donations are appreciated. Alanon meetings are similiar in structure to AA meetings. To find a meeting in your area, go to www.alanon.org, or call 1-888-425-2666.

Another suggestion would be to attend an AA meeting, to help you understand the disease from the perspective of recovering alcoholics. For me, I am not sure I would be able to go to an Alanon meeting at this point in my grieving process, simply because I may just resent the people attending because their loved one is still alive, and mine is not. I currently have the support of a 5 year recovering alcoholic and his wife, and when I have questions about the disease that perplexes me, I can give them a call. And I continue to have the support of the chaplain from the in-patient treatment centre, who was with me, my husband, and my husband's sister and aunt in those last agonizing 3 days. The AA website is www.aa.org - you can find meeting locations through this site (just look for "open" meetings where friends and loved ones can attend, as "closed" meetings are for alcoholics only).

And here is the link to a pamphlet for family members of alcoholics: http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-30_isthereanalcoinyourlife1.pdf

I hope this helps.

Korina

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Mandi and Ted - - I am so very sorry for what you are both going through. The pain and guilt seem overwhelming. I know that when my husband died, I cried steadily for about two months. There are still some pretty bad days, but at least I know now that I can get through them. Please, take care of yourselves. Grief is hard work and being ill does not make it any easier. This site has helped me more than anything else. I am just so sorry that you have had to make your way here. But you have found a group of very loving and caring people.

Kathy

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Alanon is a support organization where relatives and friends of alcoholics meet to talk about their experiences as it relates to the alcoholic in their lives. It is not necessary to say anything, but you certainly are welcome to share. And meetings are held in confidence. And there is no cost, but donations are appreciated. Alanon meetings are similiar in structure to AA meetings. To find a meeting in your area, go to www.alanon.org, or call 1-888-425-2666.

Another suggestion would be to attend an AA meeting, to help you understand the disease from the perspective of recovering alcoholics. For me, I am not sure I would be able to go to an Alanon meeting at this point in my grieving process, simply because I may just resent the people attending because their loved one is still alive, and mine is not. I currently have the support of a 5 year recovering alcoholic and his wife, and when I have questions about the disease that perplexes me, I can give them a call. And I continue to have the support of the chaplain from the in-patient treatment centre, who was with me, my husband, and my husband's sister and aunt in those last agonizing 3 days. The AA website is www.aa.org - you can find meeting locations through this site (just look for "open" meetings where friends and loved ones can attend, as "closed" meetings are for alcoholics only).

And here is the link to a pamphlet for family members of alcoholics: http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-30_isthereanalcoinyourlife1.pdf

I hope this helps.

Korina

Thank you Korina, I think I would also be a little reluctant to go this early. This has been a tough weekend for me. I thought I was a little further down the road,but I guess I'm not. Thanks to all for the info and replies.

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