I Am Lost

[Billw]

I am wandering aimlessly through the house. I feel lost. My wife passed on the 29th of April after a year and 4 month battle with ovarian cancer. She was only 54 years old. She tried so hard to recover but it took over her bones and the pain was horrible. Through her fight she never complained, she did everything she was told and worked through chemo, radiation, and every torture known to mankind to try to live a few more years. I have never felt this way about any other human on the face of the earth. My heart is literally aching. I am sick of hearing the typical remarks about how she is not suffering anymore and she is in a better place. I want her here with me where she belongs. I know that is not in God's plan but in mine. I know I am full of anger and resentment right now, the thing that angers me most is not the fact that He took her but how she was tortured before she was allowed to leave. I am seeking counseling right now, and I hope this is not offensive to this forum. I know there are a lot of people out there and I am not alone but it sure feels like it right now.

[mlg]

Why would it be offensive to us? We have all been there whether our loved one was tortured or not a loss is a loss and that is why we are here. I hope you find some solace in coming here and seeing that others understand for the most part how you feel. Since we all grieve in our own way we can not tell you exactly what to do but I would say seeking counseling is a good thing. Be careful though because some people have gotten counselors who really don't understand grief (I think it's hard unless you've been there). I am so sorry that you are having to go through this, but please come back here for comfort.

[closs86]

Hi

I am so sorry for your loss, I also lost my husband to cancer he was diagnosed and passed in 3 weeks April 6, he was only 60, and perfect until 7 weeks in total before he passed. He also suffered the last few days, it is horrible to see someone you love suffer and you feel helpless, It is horrible that your wife suffered so much, and for so long.

I also get real angry sometimes, I think counseling is a good idea, I am also going to go, We have all been through the worst thing that could have ever happened to us, and we are left behind to try and figure out why, I don't think we will ever find our answers. My heart is heavy, I pray for us to all find some peace.

Take care of yourself

Karen

[Korina]

Bill:

Absolutely nothing you have said is offensive. It will be 11 months tomorrow since Scott died, and I still don't understand why God had to take him. I doubt I ever will. This is a terribly difficult journey we are on, and no, you are not alone. Just concentrate on getting through each day, and try to eat and take care of yourself, though it is probably the last thing you want to do. But grieving is exhausting, as I am sure those last 4 months were. And if people offer to help out (people whom you trust and can count on) take them up on it. I found that I absolutely needed to reach out to friends and family, and this was a great help.

I am so sorry you had to find us, but I hope you continue to come back. And I too have been to counseling - it has helped.

Take care,

Korina

[Billw]

Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers. I have hope that things will change some day, my wife and I have been through some hard things in life and always come out the other side. Right now everything is overwhelming to me, even the simple things. We have never run from a challenge and now I stall out over the simplest things. I have never been felt this out of control in my life. We have two grown sons and they seem to be adjusting ok? I have talked to both of them and they share a lot of the same feelings about their mom but don't seem to be as messed up thank God. Its nice to know people care and I am not alone, some people are put off by strong feelings of anger towards God. Thanks for understanding. It is obvious that all of you are walking or have walked the same path I am on. Glad you are here.

[Kat2005]

Bill,

I am so sorry for you loss. On the 23rd of this month it will be 11 months that I lost Pat to an aggressive form of prostate cancer. He suffered near the end also because it had spread to his bones. I too was told the same thing about him being out of pain and that he is in a better place. God has a plan for him. I think people want to say something but just don't know what to say. I know this is selfish but I still want him here with me and I think God's plan stinks.

I have found that family and friends are a great form of support. They are there when you need them. You just have to ask. The other thing that I have learned in this journey is that it is okay to say "NO". If you need to be alone that is okay too.

Just remember to take care of yourself. You have found a great group of people here. They have helped me through some really tough times and still do. There is always someone here ready to listen to anything you have to say.

Take care,

Kat

[kayc]

Billw,

I am sorry you lost your wife too, and it's not in the least bit offensive, you are doing all you can do, getting counseling, coming to this forum, trying to reconcile this latest injunction in your life, and expressing yourself is good.

Very few people die immediately and painlessly. My husband always said he did NOT want to die of a heart attack because he's seen so many die that way and it looked torturous, but wouldn't you know that's how he went and it was neither quick nor painless, I will never forget the look in his eyes. I took care of my mother-in-law (she was the mother I always wanted and my best friend) while she was bedridden with cancer the last nearly three years of her life and I always felt that is the way I did NOT want to go, at least a heart attack doesn't go on for years, but none of us get to pick and choose the way we go. You can be assured she is at rest now at least and know that you did all that you could for her. We're glad you found this site, it's been the biggest help to me since my George died.

[Susie Q]

Dear Billw

You feel the way you feel. That's all you can do when you are trying to just keep getting yourself up in the morning.

No reason or rationale that anyone givesto me will ever be acceptable for having lost the one that made my life what it was. I know that him going is just the way it is, so trying to work out or explain why this happened is not helpful for me. I protest it every minute but I know I can't change it. But it's OK to feel anger and emptiness - why wouldn't we?

I've learned over the last 9 months that acceptance is the hardest state to achieve - accepting his loss, accepting some form of a 'greatly less than' life, accepting the pain and despair until better hours appear, accepting going out to family events without him, accepting an empty house etc etc

I'm more able to manage these things than in the preceding months but still a long way from accepting them.

I do believe that acceptance is the key. I feel that when I meet people who are surviving this nightmare in a real sense (not just existing like I am now)they seem to have integrated the past into their future and have come to terms with it. I look forward to a day like that.

With all my best wishes to you at this horrible time...Susie Q

I just want the past now

[STARKISS]

Hi BillW,

I do not find it offensive at all, a matter of fact when I lost my mom I felt in the same way... My mom had breast cancer and we almost lost her, but she did recover from that to only come down with Ovarian cancer... She was a fighter and did not want to give up and even on her death bed she would not quit.. She knew her one son was missing and we had to tell her that he could not be there and without our approval she would have not left so we finally told her it was okay to leave now.. She had been through alot of things and in the end it was half ovarian cancer and than a diabetic coma that took her finally...I am so sorry for your loss.. Shelley

[Billw]

It has helped to open up and talk about this a little. I can see that there are truly people out there in similar situations. Everything in this house is a trigger, something she bought me, something she made for me, even some of the food in the pantry that she put in there months ago sets me off. Like I said earlier, I have never been this out of control of my emotions. I miss her and there isn't a damn thing that will bring her back. I am trying not to take my anger out on those around me, although they are easy targets right now. I do have some good friends in my life who are very helpful. I am grateful for the people and everything I still have left, we lived a life second to none for years. I was just not ready for this even though we knew this could happen. God I hope she is OK now. She wanted to be home at the end so we did everything we could to keep her here, thank God for Hospice. It is hard to get some of the images out of my head she really struggled at the end. She did not want to leave. I had to beg her to stop, I told her to go stand by God and wait and I would find her when I get there. I still can't believe how hard she fought. This is not an easy thing for me to talk about without coming apart, gotta go for now...Thanks again all of you.

BW

[nats]

Bill,

I feel your loss in my heart and pray for you, my Ruth also did everything she was supposed to

and had all the faith she would beat the cancer, it's been 14 weeks this coming Sunday and the pain

is sometimes so intense it's hard to handle..I cry daily sometimes more than others the last few days have been

really hard for some reason not sure why, I suspect it's because we would be planning our family reunion and vacation trip in June

and last year we couldn't go due to chemo and this year she's not hear so I guess that's why I'm feeling it, also we got married

last June so a lot is about to slam me slap in the face, so know you are not alone in your grieving, and you no way offened me

in your thoughts, I get mad at God also and in my church grief support they want me to write a letter to God about my anger, I have not done that yet but I don't see any harm, stay focused on caring for yourself now and put your feelings first, the people who say

she's no longer in pain have not a clue how we feel but they mean well...so keep visiting here and we will all work thru this together and with the help of our higher power....

NATS

[Maryo]

Hi Billw,

I am sorry about the loss of your wife. It will be 2 years in July when my husband died. He was only 57.

This site is a blessing and has helped me through some of my darkest days. It does get easier but takes time.

I was feeling very down a few days ago and I started to think of all the people, friends and family who have passed away over the years and it bought a little peace to me because my husband is not alone. He has many

people with him who love him as much as I do.This helped me a little and I hope it might bring some comfort to you because I believe he will be waiting for me when my time comes.

Mary Lou

[Billw]

I have never felt a closeness with another human being like what we shared. It makes me sick to think that is gone. I am very lucky to have experienced that with her. I know people who have been together for 30-40 years that don't get to share that connection. We were true partners in every aspect, the first couple years we bumped heads and tried to figure out where we were going in life and once we did it was amazing. We have seen parts of the world together and done things I never imagined possible. She truly brought out a side of me I did not know I possessed. When she got sick I remember thinking, God I hope I can take care of her. Now I still wake up at midnight, and three a.m. to give her medicine or to take her pee and she is not there. I can still feel her in bed beside me at times and wake up disappointed to find she is gone. I think I have a long road ahead of me.

BW

[Frank G]

Hi Bill,I lost my wife last December after a 3 month battle with Colan cancer that had already gone to her liver(we were together 49 years).It will be 6 months for me on June 3rd and I have had my first ever 6 months living alone,6 months retired (we worked together and we planned to retire in July)and 6 months with no direction in life. You take care of your own health and try to remember the good times and the bad memories will slowly slip away.

It does get better believe me.It's will be hard to believe that at the moment but it does.

Take care all.

Frank....

[Billw]

Thanks Frank. I'm trying to do the opposite of what my head tells me right now. It tells me to hide out in the dark and feel bad but I know that won't get me where I need to be. That's why I'm reaching out right now. You guys are a lot of help. Thanks again.

BW

[closs86]

Hi Billw

I know what you are saying about hiding out in the house, don't do it, you have to push yourself out the door, even if you don;t want to go, I lost my husband April 6, after 43 years, we were soulmates and had a great marriage, I push myself everyday, or I will become a hermit, we can't do that to ourselves. they wouldn't want us to. My heart goes out to you, the pain is unbearable, I know, the counseling is helpfull. and family and friends, you just have to reach out and call them, sometimes they are afraid to bother you, they don't know what to do. Don't feel funny calling and asking someone to come over and keep you company if you are feeling bad. I only can hope that this gets a little easier for us. Every day is a challenge, never know how you are going to feel, sad, angry, depressed, or all. I am upset with our maker also so don't feel bad about it, it is a natural feeling, I want to know why? just when we were starting to relax and enjoy life, he was only 60. so sad

Well I wish everyone here peace in their hearts and minds

Take care of yourself as best you can

(((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Karen

[Billw]

Yesterday morning I left to work crying, its about a 15 minute drive to work. I can usually get it together before I get there. Thank God I have a good job and they have been more than good to me throughout this entire ordeal. I was able to go with my wife to every chemo, radiation, and Dr. appointment she had, also took time off for her surgery recoveries and hospital visits. I was home the last two weeks she was alive, and the week after. My boss told me to just go home and stay with her and do whatever I needed to. Now it is time to get back to work and my mind is still just not there. I took on a lot this year at work and I hope I can get focused again. I am waiting for a call back from 2 different counselors to get in for an appointment. I am getting some work done but I just get hung up so easily it gets kind of humiliating. I am just not comfortable with having my head somewhere else all day.

[Korina]

Bill:

I didn't return to work until almost 6 months after Scott died; I was on maternity leave and used all of it (1 year), both to be with my daughter, and then because of Scott's death. And now, back to work, it is on the bus ride to work, and on the walk home that I have time to think/reflect/get angry/etc. More often than not, especially on the way home, there are tears.

Today at work, I had to delete a bunch of old emails as my Outlook was grinding. I sorted by name, didn't touch any of Scott's, but lost it when I saw his emails. I am now able to often (not always) look at pictures of him and of us, but his emails just knock me off my center, as they are just so him - so personal.

Oh well, day by day.

Korina

[nats]

Hello Bill,

Just checking in today to say Hello, your story reminds me so much of myself and Ruth, I wanted to share with you

I was unable to sleep last night as I was remembering the last night and hours with my beautiful wife, reliving all the

stressful moments in ER and decisions I had to make while watching her pass and feeling so helpless, I was an emotional wreak

so I came here and your post was the first one I read and replied to, I also find comfort in sharing and reading other peoples

situations as it let's me know I'm not as alone as I feel, and allows me to be thankful for my time with Ruth as others have not or did not even have that time, so I continue to pray for all of us here, and take one day at a time, and the memories and spot in my heart my wife holds drives me each day along with help from the Lord Almighty....

NATS

[Frank G]

Bill,please be carefull what you do while your concentration is vunerable.After my June's surgery and we were waiting for the chemo. to be arranged I went back to work to get the extension we were doing to 'lock-up' stage so we could get our progress payment.Coming home after going back for a few days to achieve this I went straight through a set of traffic lights that were on red (in the station wagon and trailer with tool boxes on) and just missed the car crossing from my left.It wasn't till I looked in my rear-vision mirror that I realised what I'd done.I went back to the job-site the next day and collected my ladders etc.and that was he end of my working life.I never told June of this incident so she never knew of the double tragedy that came so close.

All take care.

Frank...

[Billw]

Thanks for checking back guys, this is giving me something to look forward to for a short time each day. A friend of mine talked me into a group meeting tonight, she lost her son a year ago. I went... not quite there yet. I got an appointment set to talk to a counselor on Sat. This anger thing has me worried even though I have been told it's normal it doesn't suit me too well right now. My wife and I spent a lot of time really learning how to soak up the joys in our lives over the years and now I hate this feeling. She told me if something happened to her she wanted me to carry on and keep living the life we started. I would like to think that I can keep that promise to her but at this point I can't see it. We lived our lives a day at a time for years and especially after she got sick, we truly learned how to seize the moment. Now I am living one second at a time. This will take work on my part I'm sure, thanks again for listening.

BW

[Sharon3]

Bill I am very sorry for your loss and if there was magic fix, believe me we would have all done it. I do believe counselling, however, can help as this site can help...but it doesn't take away the pain. One comment you made about your sons ....don't be so sure they are handling this. I think our children put on a brave front for us but feel the pain of the loss of their parent. They are your closest link to your wife and if you are comfortable with it I would urge you to talk to them as well and allow them to cry and allow them to see the strength in your tear.s. Tears are a badge of love and are actually a strength in my eyes because it takes a strong person to show their vulnerability. You are in my thoughts..........Sharon.

[Billw]

The boys never really opened up about any of this until the last couple weeks that their mom was alive. I think in the beginning they thought she would have surgery do a little treatment and we would move on down the road. When we had to take her to the hospice unit to have a pain pump regulated for a few days and our youngest son fell apart down there the night he realized that this was not going to get any better. We were able to bring her home days later and we were all here with her as she had wished in the end. That night I was able to talk to those boys (now young men) like we had never been able to before. We had told each other that we loved one another for years but that night you could feel it. Something changed with the boys and me that night and I don't want to lose that. We have spoken openly several times since but I don't want to push them. I know they are hurting and if they choose not to talk I don't press the issue. We all miss her dearly and I know they are as beat up as anyone that loved her. We have sat and cried together and I was just thinking, when they are with me we tell stories about her that make us laugh as well. We knew her better than anyone else. Thanks Sharon

[Korina]

Bill:

No doubt your wife is very happy that you have this new dimension in your relationship with your boys!

On the anger thing, I took some advice I got here, and took it out on the bed (luckily ours is a very sturdy bed, and can take it). Screaming into pillows has been theraputic (though the cats kinda wonder...). Also, exercise has always helped me work off excess stress. And strangely enough, vaccuming helps me, though that is probably unique to me... .

Korina

[kayc]

We're here, Bill, even when we don't post. You're right, it doesn't do a lot of good to stay sequestered.