Eyes - Mary's, Queen Mary's, Kay's And Anyone Else Here...

[mfh]

Very overtired tonight...the eye drops have made me a bit sickish tonight...I could feel them go from my eyes to my throat and stomach...yuck! My vision is bad tonight..drops, fatigue. Today while I was gone the gas company came to switch out the meter to a new o e...since I was not home they return tomorrow. between 8 and 4 so I must stay put...was planning to anyway...paralyzed with exhaustion as I am. Good night all and again, thank you for caring.

Mary

[KarenK]

Mary,

Your poem was just so very beautiful in it's healing way. In addition to all the memories Exit 99 holds for you, please ad this healing one which means so much to us.

I had a thought and wondered if this would work for you. Do you have a young neighbor who would walk Bentley & help with his needs while you are healing. Most youngsters love dogs and would probably enjoy helping you out. Just a thought..........

Karen

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Mary

So pleased you are home and healing, and that is a beautiful poem commemorating a beautiful moment. I hope you will not consider going to the wedding. As you know I had one to go to last year and was ill so couldn't go. I had another this year which occurred on my birthday. I had to go because I was the driver to take Rainie and the girls but to be honest it was an awful ordeal. You have advised me so wisely to take care of myself and heal, and now it is our turn. Rest, care for yourself and Bentley. Just be, for a while.

[Queeniemary]

Mary, so very happy you are home, and that the report on the eyes is good. Loved the butterfly. How very talented you are. So glad you are home, and planning to stay put for a bit. I understand about the nausea connected with some of the drops. I have one drop that I do twice a day that I can taste in my throat, and makes me a little sickish also. My eye is bothering me a little this morning, seems more light sensitive, and heavy, if that makes any sense. I will call the eye doctor's office later and make sure this is normal. Probably is.

Just so happy things are good Mary. Rest and relax.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

.

[mfh]

Queen Mary, I am sorry you are having some discomfort and issues. Please feel free to call if you wish. I have learned that no surgery...is small or simple. I have dealt with discomfort of varying kinds after each of these surgeries and it is frightening when one does not know if it is normal. Call the doc. My eyes are very tired today and I won't be on line much at all but know I care deeply as I continue to heal. This is far more challenging than I ever dreamed.

fae, I am so glad you saw the metaphors in my writing... yes about my own freedom and about releasing Bill to his freedom.

The author of one of the novels I listened to on my many trips to Chicago said something like this at one point: When a thread that has become deeply and essentially a part of a tapestry and is removed (pulled out), the entire tapestry begins to unravel and fall apart. It is impossible to reconstruct it as it was without that thread.

Of course, my mind instantly flitted to my loss of Bill, who wove himself into the very fabric of my life and being and soul and days; who, like all of your spouses, became an essential part of the "tapestry of my life"...one sort of taken for granted as we went about our days loving and living together. We really had but one tapestry....not one each. When death pulled the thread of his physical presence I saw my whole life unravel and fall apart...never to be reconstructed in quite the same way again. Without that thread, the thread of his presence and his love, I will never be the same and life will never be the same. It is impossible for each of us.

Now the challenge lies before me (us) to weave a new tapestry (life) and as I do, I know deeply that each thread I choose will be saturated with the colors of his love and the softness of his kindness. Each design I put into this new fabric (of my life) will be influenced by the years we spent loving each other and sharing all we had and all we were/are. Because of his love, I am a new person. He breathed life into me. And because of his death, I am yet again, a new person. And yes, after dealing with the gut wrenching pain of losing him, rebuilding a life without him (a work in progress but I am in no hurry any more) will be and is a huge and frequently empty challenge.

.............

I have been in contact with my lifelong friend, Cathy who I have worried about...especially recently. I learned this morning that she has once again gone in for surgery-Sunday- following severe pain and that her husband has been Dx with lymphoma and starts chemo soon. We will talk later today. I knew something was wrong. She has not been herself in certain ways and yet she has been entirely herself. Hard to explain.

With my love,

Mary

[kayc]

QMary,

I'm sorry you are going through so much discomfort. I hope it's normal and you'll soon find relief. It sounds like your life revolves around caring for your eyes right now, with all of the cleansing hands and drops giving. This too shall pass!

Mary,

So glad it is behind you now, and now comes the wait...the wait for your eyes to settle in and the wait for new glasses, the wait for healing and that new tapestry to continue it's weaving. In a way that is true for all of us as we give time for the new tapestry of our lives to both begin and or continue.

Thank you for sharing that beautifully written poem! You have a wonderful way of putting things to pen.

I am so sorry about Cathy's news. Right now she has her hands full digesting her husbands Dx and getting over her surgery. I hope it helps her to know that you are thinking of her as she convalesces, even as you are.

I'm also glad you are listening to your own needs and will do what you feel is the best thing for yourself with regards to the wedding. Two weeks away is a long time at this point, I wouldn't worry about it, you may feel better by then...then again, you may just need to stay put. What's important is that you will know what to do and will do it. Take good care of yourself and Bentley my friend.

[Queeniemary]

Friends, I talked to nurse at dr. office. Sensitivity to light and ache around eye socket not unusual. dr. not in today, but was told I could come in and see his partner. I was questioned thoroughly to see if I was doing drops correctly, and I am. As long as not really unusual, told them I would wait and see how things felt Tuesday. In the meantime I look like a movie star....sunglasses in the house. ha My friend Joe is coming in a bit, we are looking for hotels for our NYC trip, afraid most of the looking will be on him......

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kayc]

That is so good to hear, QMary! I hope your friend's coming will serve as a bit of a distraction for you.

[mfh]

Queen Mary, I wonder if your eyes are feeling any better this evening. I also had headaches and lights bother me big time...I feel like someone beat me up hitting mostly from the eyes up. The meds...I bet we are on the same ones. Vigamox, Durezol, Flurbiprophen...all either anti inflammatories or anti biotics. 4 times a day, at least 15 minutes between. I learned doing them a bit further apart is better...I started with these on July 25. I just finished eye #1 and now am on eye #2 for another 3 weeks. And yes they sting. Think about it, Mary. Someone put a hole in your eye...and now you must heal...and think of the tension about it...that must also be healed. I find it difficult to do this a second tiime...some how the second eye did not seem as important but I have since learned I AM starting over.

I got an email today asking me to speak to a group nearby...this is a result of the column I am writing for the magazine I started but sold last fall. (Living Well, Dying Well is the name of the column.) I also write for a small up north newspaper. This is actually one of the reasons I am writing it...to get visibility for my practice but I told her to contact me in the spring. I am not sure I want to give talks again...been there, done that. I will ONLY do what I really want to do....i.e. that of passion.

If you need to talk, I am here. I am glad you called the doc. I found that the effects of surgery were not well explained to me before surgery...the headaches, blurred vision from meds, sickishness from drops, etc.

Off line now but will look at email on my phone in two or three hours. I answer very few emails these days...1 or 2 a day. Take care all,

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Mary, that metaphor about the tapestry is worthy of being turned into a poem. In fact it already is one.

[Queeniemary]

Mary, I hope your eyes are more rested today, you are wise to rest them as much as possible. I have sent you an email. My eyes seem a little less light sensitive today, so I think all is well. They are still a little scratchy, but yes, they have had holes punched in them, so what could I expect.

I am planning a quiet time at home most of the weekend. My granddaughters will probably be here, but they are 15 and 17, and they do their own "thing". We might do a movie however. My youngest son and family did not get to come down, I am sad, as I really wanted to see them. My daughter in law's step Dad has been admitted to hospital, he has cancer and the chemo, etc., is making him really sick, and unable to keep solid food down, they are working on that. I think Debby did not want to leave her Mom right now. I do understand, just miss my baby boy! LOL

We got our NYC hotel rooms booked last night, now I am very very poor!! Well we have our plane tickets, our hotel rooms, next is the shows we want to see. We are trying to get everything scheduled ahead of time. The NYC marathon is that weekend (we did not know when we booked our flights) so everything will get booked up early including shows.

Hope all have a good weekend, Probably not be back on here until early next week. Harry, you are on my mind this weekend. Peace for you.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[feralfae]

HRH Mary,

I hope you have a wonderful quiet weekend. Your NYC trip sound wonderfully exciting. How fun to go see shows! I hope your eyes are feeling better enough by tonight that you can more easily enjoy the rest of the weekend.

And I just realized you may not even see this until next week. So, I hope you had a great weekend.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

QMary,

I'm so sorry you won't get to see your sin and DIL but sure understand her need to be where her parents are under the circumstances. I hope you do get a movie in when the girls and can find something you all enjoy. Your impending trip sounds like great fun and something to look forward to. It is so neat that you have an activity (theater) that you enjoy and good friends to be with!

[mfh]

Queen Mary, I am wondering how your eye is doing?

I went into Facebook for about 30 minutes today after not being there for many weeks (to speak of) and saw how much is there that I missed....and yet I lived without it. I will go back and pick and choose someday as there are some gems I wish to read. The same is true here...there is no way I can catch up especially since it will be another month before I can start so I will have to let go of all I missed.

My eyes are healing but I am not there...far from it. I am super light sensitive...I went into Wal Mart yesterday for a couple of things and the lights in there were tough as is the sun light. I have not been one to wear sun glasses a lot as taking them off and on, putting my glasses away etc. is a nuisance. That habit will have to change now.

I do pretty well until around noon each day and then my eyes are very tired and strained...especially if I have been on line...which I have more than I should. So I know I am far from home plate here. Getting glasses will help a lot...at the end of the month.

I have decided NOT to go to my niece's wedding next week. It has been a long, grueling decision with lots of pieces that make it a difficult one...mostly related to family issues. But I figure if I wear out by noon to 2pm each day flying from Madison to Boston with a change of planes in Chicago, living through 6 days of hectic (the schedule and socializing (being on) is outrageous as I expected) and then back home again on the 17th only to turn around on the 19th and drive back to Chicago to my eye doctor....is more than I can deal with. I can not allow setbacks again when I have a choice. I am very tired of set backs. Way too many so far. So I will email my family this week and break the news. My niece will actually be fine with it...my sibs...not so sure. I know they see me babying myself and not participating in family "stuff" as much since Bill was sick and then since he died. As for me, I plan to continue to take care of myself, my eyes...The day of the wedding (14th) there is a Mindfulness Day at the Franciscan Spirituality Center. I just emailed to see if there are opening...I might do that. It is a long but also a healing day so not so sure yet. I might go for part of it only.

Thanks for all your support along the way. I truly appreciate it and am so sorry I am not current here.

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

I think you are always current on things of spirit, because you live there so much of the time, and that is what matters most.

I am very happy you are opting out of the trip to Boston at this time. Your entire psyche has been pushed to the edge by the eye surgeries, dealing with the disappointment of your brother's inability to relate, and the overall fear and general trauma of eye surgery, for goodness sakes. You are being self-responsible and caring enough to take care of yourself, stay home, rest and heal, and give yourself time to find your own internal emotional balance again, which is going to take a while. When we have surgery that has a risk attached to it, even if we come through the surgery just fine, it takes a while for our hearts to be less defended, and our emotional bracing to relax.

Take your own time. It is your life, these days, and you deserve and need to give yourself a time of simple everydays, boring hours, vanilla sameness, unchallenging happenings, and just being able to fully relax and be Mary. Not needing to fill anyone's expectations, not needing to try to reach out to others, but just time to reach inside of you and hold your own heart, and pour love and compassion into your own soul.

I think we all need that, and I know I create a lot of business, make sure I have things to do, and arrange so that I feel needed, just so I can avoid sitting with even the trauma of the last couple of months of the rascals. While they are different issues, at the core, all these attacks—whether surgery, awakening enough emotionally to discover how our lives have changed, dealing with thefts, having family problems, losing a beloved fur friend, or an auto accident—cause more fractures in our already broken emotional peace and joy. We have so little stability in our lives, that each new trauma adds more feelings of losing balance and falling apart. How could it not?

So, thank you for setting a good example for us all, by the simple fact of honoring first your own needs and healing. Bravo! When we have been caregivers, when we have daily lives and family calling to us with their needs, it is easy to be distracted and forget how fragile we are. We often forget until we are thrown back into trauma and the need to protect our tender hearts becomes compellingly apparent.

Protect your heart. I am so glad you are going to have some time for peace. But with the Tara Brach visit, the Franciscans, and your other plans, you are still one busy person. I am reconfiguring my life to include more meditation first, and only then scheduling other things around those times. I am working hard to turn off all the wheedling voices calling for me to respond, to care, to be present, to set myself aside to take care of others. Some days I do better at this than other days, but we are all learning new habits.

Your new habit for the next couple of months is a timer next to the computer screen, so you do not tire your new eyes while they heal. Set it for five minutes less than the time it takes your eyes to get tired, perhaps.

Our lives are shifting, as we walk into this new territory of time without our Beloved. Your life is also shifting with the surgery. You need time to recover, care for and nurture yourself through the healing process, and to spend time quietly, just being and celebrating the success of the surgeries. I am so very, very happy you are taking care of you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[MartyT]

I couldn't possibly have said it any better, dear Fae. Are you listening, dear Mary? ♥

[mfh]

Thank you, fae and Marty. I am listening and I do hear you and believe you both. This is tough stuff for me...it is a given that I will be at that wedding...they will be shocked when I send this email. I could tell that from my conversation (such as it was) with my sister a couple of days ago. Thanks for the moral support. I so appreciate it.

Now, fae, while I am here and I am going off line now-you said: "I create a lot of business, make sure I have things to do, and arrange so that I feel needed, just so I can avoid sitting with even the trauma of the last couple of months of the rascals."

I hope you will do exactly what you are suggesting I do...please re-read what you said to me and do for you what I will and am doing for me. Please!

Off line for a long while

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Bill's Mary,

I hope you are off line for a long while. Dear heart, you give so much. Be still and let us give to you now.

Yes, I do keep myself busy a lot just as a distraction. There are always clients waiting (you know the feeling) who think there is no one else to help them, but I am getting better at saying no to them, even when they are sincere and their needs are real. None of what I do is going to matter if I am so broken that I cannot think or function. I hear me.

Coming here is healing for me, though, so I will stay with my practice of beginning the mornings (after prayer, meditation, teeth, etc) with HOV, and then coming here in the evening to check in and see how everyone is doing. This is my home place right now, where I check in on others and present myself for others to check on me. (I am not sure any of us are very good trying to do this solo.)

Today is dentist, checking on the jaw I cracked when I had my bad climbing fall years ago, because I am getting this little clicking noise in my jaw. Then I have a lot of watering to do, people here at the office most all day, and tomorrow is as busy.

Wednesday is a sanding and staining day, I think, unless there is (please let it!) rain.

HRH Mary, so glad rehearsals are going well and that your eyes are doing well. Have a lot of fun, and thank you for bringing smiles and Corgis here for us to enjoy.

Next week, when everyone is back in school and the neighborhood is quieter, the weather is cooler, and things slow down a bit around here, I hope to spend more time sitting on the bench by the wise tree, just being.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Queeniemary]

Mary, wish your eyes were not still so light sensitive. I know how painful that can be. I think you are very wise to reconsider the wedding. My eye is doing very well today, the light sensitivity is much much better, and except for a little irritation the left eye is pretty good. Now just to continue with the many drops per day until I see the eye Doc. on Sept 18, and find out if the laser procedure helped. I think it will be good.

Not staying on computer much for a few days, think it is better to rest eye, I think that is why it is better today.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[HAP]

Dear Marys,

I think all the decisions you are making are wise ones.

I went through some of what Mary is going through with her relatives. There is a reason I keep them on the West Coast and visit but once a year.

Your eyes, my friends, are more important than anything else. I remember very well the conversations you both had with all of us about how important your vision is to who you are and what you are doing.

So worry about nothing. Rest those eyes. As someone once said, "Let the world turn without you tonight. If they try they'll get by so relax, think of nothing..."

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

Harry, I just got home from my watercolor group....needed to be with my circle for a couple of hours but my eyes are strained and tired so I will read your posts at another time. I do know yesterday was a tough one.

The good news about coming home with strained eyes and vision is that I will use the feelings I have (i.e. the way my eyes feel and the headache I have) to remind myself why I am not traveling to Rockport (I am sure you know the town...awesome) next Thursday. Tomorrow when I put the email together I will reflect back on how I have felt in the lighting in our space tonight, the strained, the vision that feels just awful...and think about how that would feel after being on two airplanes, after sitting around making small talk with strangers, etc. for 6 days. I listened to part II of Weller's interview today and saw myself in his words also...that helped. When Bill was alive I made these decisions so easily....times when we did not go "home" (to Mom's or my sister's) for holidays because we would be taking our own trip, etc. Times when we just wanted to be home at OUR home by ourselves or with friends over....it was so easy to say "no". This entire struggle like a few others has caught me off guard. So tomorrow I will nail this thing down so I can quit second guessing myself. Criticism like, "I can't believe you did not come to Katelyn's wedding." are never spoken but they are there...it would be easier if they said what they feel but I gave up that quest a long long long time ago. Thanks for the support, Harry.

I know it will take you a bit of time...a long time..whatever it takes to get past yesterday. I will read your posts in the morning when my eyes are fresh.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[kayc]

Mary,

I am relieved about your decision. Keep in mind when the criticism comes, it is never wrong to take care of your physical and spiritual needs FIRST, they are wrong to criticize you and not be more understanding of your situation.

[HAP]

Dear Mary,

I agree completely with Kay on this one.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

The longest journey we will take is from the head to the heart...it is filled with detours, potholes and more and it is only about 15 inches long...the journey. I have known all along (in my head) that I needed to stay home. It was just common sense. Getting from there to my heart has taken more energy and pain than I care to think about and more than I have spent on decisions like this in many many years. But it is done. I mailed the wedding gift this morning and stopped at a friend's house to thank her for something and she invited me to breakfast/lunch at 11am. Both of us had been outside gardening a bit...emphasis on bit...I put in some mums for the fall. I have six, got two in, will do two after the sun goes down and two tomorrow. Had to come inside 4 times in the planting of 2 simple mums to rest my back. Anyway, she invited me to brunch and she made a peach Dutch Baby pancake that was about as awesome as a pancake can get...fresh peaches and all...and a lot of calories. Came home and installed my new printer and put the old frustrating one in the garage...until we have an electronic disposal day...

I still feel torn...not indecisive...but just sad that I not only can not join my family on this important day due to my energy level and eyes but that if I had been able to go, I would have felt so very alone there....shedding some tears of reality today. I feel since Bill died a lot of my sadness is around my family's inability to be there for me.

Peace,

Mary

[mfh]

Mary, wish your eyes were not still so light sensitive. I know how painful that can be. I think you are very wise to reconsider the wedding. My eye is doing very well today, the light sensitivity is much much better, and except for a little irritation the left eye is pretty good. Now just to continue with the many drops per day until I see the eye Doc. on Sept 18, and find out if the laser procedure helped. I think it will be good.

Not staying on computer much for a few days, think it is better to rest eye, I think that is why it is better today.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

Hi Mary, Thank you. I think it is a combo of light sensitive, meds, monovision and strain...I am glad your eye is doing well. Good for you. I have drop until I see MD again on Sept. 20. I hope to come home with a Rx for glasses...they will help a lot. I went into the local place that everyone says makes great glasses and they do not take Medicare. Medicare pays for the lens and a bit towards frames and I do not want to patronize a business that will not help those who are on medicare. I also see no reason to pay for those who take Medicare. This whole deal has cost me a lot out of pocket so far...the toric lens was $1800 and another fee and gas etc. so I will go to Madison for glasses...maybe even stop on the way home from Chi town on the 20th.

I know you are anxious to see if this laser surgery has helped the pressure. I am also curious. on the 20th I will see if the right eye is down. I have to wait another month to see if the left is down. Take care of yourself, Mary