Eyes - Mary's, Queen Mary's, Kay's And Anyone Else Here...

[feralfae]

My darling Mary, dear heart,

I am so glad your eye is dong well.

Now then,

You have talked with us about how you were not seen as a child, not heard, just ignored. Dear Mary, you were an invisible one. Your family role is, apparently, still as the invisible one. You no longer play that game, but your poor, dear brother has not learned a new game with you. You remain invisible, unheard, by him.

I am so sorry. Nothing hurts more than family scars that follow us along during this lifetime. Of course you feel an orphan. You were an emotional orphan, dear heart. Before Bill.

But (and I know you already know this) while you still may feel an emotional orphan amongst your family, I do so much hope that you know, I am sure you do: here, you are with family. Here is your Tribe, and we love you so much, are so deeply grateful to have you among us, each of us knowing that our lives would not be as rich, deep, bearable, and often joyful, without you among us. (most especiallly when you come through eye surgery enough to complain about something as old hat as your poor, stuck dear brother!) You can be a master of distraction for yourself, as you release the anxiety and get back to the feisty Mary we all know, shoes or not.

You grew up: you and Bill found each other. You went on to another level of awareness, although I think you both already had some that level, and in joining, you created a whole new adventure, unique to you two, which I think you had in prior lives as well. Your One grew to another level, really. Your dear brother only knows family as his birth family: you know spirit family.

I am delighted to hear good news about your eye. This is all going to work very well. Please get a very nice hotel room where they will pamper you. The Orrington is still in Evanston, very nice, good food. Or is that too far east? Anyway, pamper yourself for a day or two, just healing. Order room service. I know you will probably only stay one night, then rush home to Bentley. Please do not drive in the rain if you can avoid it. Please be very good to yourself.

Your poor dear brother does not know any other way to treat you. He is stuck. You had Bill, dear heart, and you two healed each other's bruised and battered spirits. Not many people get as lucky as we have been, dear Mary.

I send you *<flingings of frolicking fairy dust bunnies>* just for some giggles, and of course

Much Love,

fae

[mfh]

Fae and Marty,

How people who have known me for 1-3years can hear my pain so well when Jim can not even see me is shocking. I did not realize how much of a buffer Bill was and Jim did not pull this crap with him...just the opposite. When Jim had two emergency surgeries as mom was dying in 2006 in a hospital miles from his, bill and Sally and I stayed there 6 weeks if not 8 and worked around the clock all tha time so both my mom and Jim had 24/7 care. Bill was already symptomatic as it was 2006 and yet he forced himself to juggle all Jim's meds charts which were complex as he had 6 meds all on different schedule that changed weekly and could not be left alone at night. We begged the priests and there were at least 20 of them then to help but none did except Bill, the guy here, a few nights. It was hell. 3 months after bill died I was down here for two weeks taking care of Jim for a tkr.I bent over backwards again. Sally handled the second one last summer when I refused. I am not a bean counter and expect nothing when I give but in this instance all I want is to be treated with kindness...and I see little from him. I know talking is useless and I refuse to subject myself to that again and get blamed so I will get out of here as soon as possible and not come back on the 29th I will just get a motel. No call or email from Cathy again and I am frankly worried about her health or her friendship...not sure which but I can not deal with that now

All this peripheral stuff has made all of this worse and I am suddenly that 12 year old or 6 year old again...yes, fae invisible. It is so consoling to know you two hear my agony tonight. It is midnight and I am so tired and can not sleep but will try again. Thank you both so very much.

Mary

[enna]

Hello dear Mary,

I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through right now with Jim NOT understanding you. We here around this fire are with you. I know that you will find a way to release all the demons and focus on healing yourself. You are the important one at this time. Picture Bill's painting hanging in the house and practice your breathing. You need to sleep. You are not alone. We are all here with you. Until tomorrow, dear Mary.

You know that I am up because I slept earlier. My hearing is almost gone. I am waiting patiently for my 3:00 PM appt. I hope it is not because of all the medicine i am on! Touch in with you tomorrow. Love, Anne

[mfh]

Thank you, Anne. I know you care deeply. I know that..it is 2am and I am so so tired and can not sleep. I have decided to change my advanced directives as I am not positive my wishes will be honored by either sib. I will ask a friend to do this for me. With Jim seemingly disagreeing with my choices and Sally previously challenging me. I do not want to end up a vegetable in a nursing home. I have a right to determine my end of life care and I no longer trust them . So sad. The whole history is coming to a head. Trying sleep again. So glad I can dump my feelings tonight.

[mfh]

It is 6:20 am and I slept for 90 minutes last night. If my eye allows for good distance vision, I have checked nearby motels and will stay at one of them tonight. If not, I will stay here and call some friends to see if I can arrange for one of them to come and get me tomorrow and two others to drive m e back next week for check up- one to drive my car home. While I am a passenger in one of them. I will not go to the wedding if I have no good vision or if there is swelling. I pray today's check up at 8:30 finds me with good distance vision and no swelling. . I must get out of here. It is two painful for me. I will not stay here again. i can't words for the pain. i am not a needy person but kindness works. Thanks to all. Mary

[HAP]

Dear Mary,

I am so glad to hear the surgery went well--and so sorry to hear that the familial aftermath was so awful. I see my family but rarely--and that is by design. We are very often bad for each other. I see them as people who never grew up and they see me as the aloof deserter bastard who would not leave his sick wife even for his own mother's funeral. Families can be brutal.

We have tried to mend fences since Jane's death, but most of it has been about as successful as your efforts with yours. But they are still family and it still hurts like hell. I understand why thinking about all of it can keep you awake at night--though I have no better words to describe that than you do. I understand why you want a motel, regardless of the cost. The fault lies not with you but with them.

I truly hope when the bandages come off this morning--mere minutes from now--your vision is unimpaired, that there is no swelling, and all is well. Then you can get out of Dodge and back to sanity. But don't go any furher than you need to--after a sleepless night you should not be driving far.

Be well--always.

Peace,

Harry

[Queeniemary]

Oh Mary, how terrible that you have to deal with your brother's lack of support at a time when you could really use it. So glad you at least had a "friend" there. He sounds like a caring person.

So ready to hear all good news from your visit this morning, praying that this eye has as good results on the swelling as eye #1 did. Having you on my mind constantly. If you are home, and feel like talking, would like to call you Sunday morning sometime. I will play it by however you feel.

Positive thoughts coming your way

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

I will be waiting to hear your news, and hoping you do not need to drive much today, because you have had practically no sleep.

I hope all goes well, and will check here often today.

Much Love and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Mary,

I am sorry to learn of how it went yesterday, but not surprised. I could thrash your brother! I know all too well how that feels...it is how I was feeling when I broke my right arm and was all alone. My son came home during this time and I asked him to fill the dog food bin as I couldn't hold up the heavy bag of dogfood and pour all with my left arm. He sighed real loud and said he wished I'd asked earlier, he was in a hurry. I reminded him that I had asked and he hadn't done it.

It is so hard for me to ask for help, and when I do, I truly need it, and for someone to act like we're an imposition, well it just makes it all the harder to ask next time we need it. And it leaves you feeling so very alone. If George were alive, he would run around taking care of me, and not just my physical needs, but making sure I felt loved, special, and cared about. Yes, the cup of coffee, anything to make me feel cherished. And I know you are missing that as well. I am glad my son has learned, with his wife, how to truly show love, for he was socially inept beforehand, he just didn't know how. And it sounds like your brother has never learned. Compassion truly is one of the greatest gifts we need in this world.

I hope your appt. today went well, so far I haven't seen anything posted about it but I will keep looking.

We hear you and are with you, Mary, and it sounds like you have a good plan.

[mfh]

Dear Friends, My eyes are fine.

There is some negligible swelling in the latest eye but she said no more than the other eye…it is so negligible that she calls it no swelling AND she said it will not get worse so my greatest threat to my vision is no longer a threat. Thank God! I mean that literally…and thank you all and Bill and all those folks I took in there with me. I do believe in the healing power of all of these people praying for me and for Bill holding my head the entire time. That is what I pictured.

I should have come out of this with great distance vision in both eyes and needing glasses to read and on the computer as usual BUT (always a but) because of what happened with the right eye…I have poor distance vision in that eye and I can read with it for a while...not long stretches. The opposite is true of my left eye. I now have monocular vision which means each eye is used separately. By using the eyes in this way, as opposed by binocular vision, the field of view is increased, while depth perception is limited. Monocular eyes are usually positioned on opposite sides of the animal's head giving it the ability to see two objects at once. (Wikipedia) She told me some people adjust to it and some just can’t. The plus is I do not need computer glasses anymore and I don’t need glasses at all but if I plan to read for a long time, the strain will tire my eyes and in driving I have to adjust to not being able to read signs etc with my right eye on the right side of the road. And I feel a bit wobbly yet with these eyes. It takes a while, she said. So I chose not to drive home today esp on 90 minutes sleep. My eyes can become binocular with glasses which I WILL get and use when I drive and when I read a lot and probably most of the time but it is a plus that I can read my iPod in the middle of a sleepless night, not have to wear glasses around the house at all or anywhere but may want to wear them driving. Weird. The other option and she smiled when she said it is to do the right eye over knowing that this will happen….and she is not suggesting or wanting that for me but mentioned it. I am typing this on my laptop and can see it perfectly except for the floaters which will disappear (though I always have them but not as many as post-surgery-she said years ago she has never seen eyes with as many floaters…so the ones I see now will become fewer in time. I also still have gook in my new eye that will be absorbed so I know my eyes will tire a lot for a while and I will be cautious about that (I PROMISE) but at least I can see well…amazing miracle.

If the meds irritate the eye...that will set me back also but she wants to use these meds as they are the best. The second surgery so far has placed the lens where it was supposed to be but of course that could change as it did in the first...no matter...I will deal with whatever but she talked like it would not move...maybe she put Elmer's glue in there. I forgot to ask. If vision stays the same this week...it is not going to shift. By day 3 last time it has shifted. ????

Jim switched gears a bit (typical)…not great- a tad more talkative…asked questions etc. Affect is flat but livable until tomorrow when I leave for home. Probably because my stress level is less. So I will stay here tonight and leave in the morning. I asked him to cash a check for me as I walked out the door with no cash and I do not like to travel that way. I gave him a check for just $20 and he said he did not want it but I pushed it and he took it. When we got in the car he handed me the 20 but it was 5 of them….he does this. I wonder if he thinks about his responses or lack thereof and feels badly and does what he does best…give money. I will never figure it out . I also changed my appointment for next week to Friday at 12:45 so I could drive down and back in the same day…no more kennel for Bentley and I will stop often. Same on Sept. 20. It is a relief…no more stays here at the monastery indefinitely. I cannot keep exposing myself to this…it is just to painful and esp under these circumstances. I end up feeling crazy and I do not need that.

Sorry for the delay in reporting in….Sharon had an ER so I got pushed back along with others. It happens there. And then we visited a bit as usual…I really really like her and she likes me. And she adored Bill. It is a good day...and I cannot thank you all enough for listening to my long long emotional posts. I know I have been raw and vulnerable and so all this stuff with Jim is harder than usual. People love him but that is the priest Jim...and it is as real as he can be. He just does not function well outside of that role.

Nap time and then I will enjoy reading posts (within reason) later and responding. It is so so incredible to see again.

My newly painted walls are a different color than I picked out. They are lighter and less yellow in the values. Oh, well. They are clean and lovely.

Peace and love

Mary

[enna]

Deep relief, Mary, now all we have to do is get you back home to where you are safe and with Bentley. I am very glad Jim reached out a tad.

Rest and safe drive back to WI. Talk later. Anne

[HAP]

Dear Mary,

Well I just let out a deep breath I did not know I was holding. Your news is wonderful--and you are right, the little issues are just that--little issues. Rest well and drive carefully.

Peace,

Harry

[feralfae]

Oh, Mary, so glad to hear all the good news!

Of course, most glad to hear about your eye, but also happy to hear that your poor dear brother tried to show some love the only way he knows how to do so with you.

I am glad you do not need to move to another place to sleep, and I hope that tonight you will have a wonderful night's rest, and begin tomorrow with lots of energy and clear vision.

I know it must have been so very rough to have the stress of eye surgery, the stress of being away from Bentley, and the stress of not being in your home, all topped off with your brother's distance, to cope with these last days. It is behind you now, and you go home to peace and love. And we are all tagging along.

I will be so happy when you are home and with Bentley and enjoying your own space.

Did you mean the walls at home are not as yellow, or the walls in your brother's room? I am confused.

But very, very happy to hear the report.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Oh Mary, that is such good news! I'm so glad it is done and behind you now, and I hope you have a glass of wine with the priest that you like and you sleep well today/tonight. As for Jim offering you five bills instead of one, I would accept that as his way of reaching out and trying to show kindness, that may be as good as it gets. Some people are just socially inept. When they do show a small gesture, you have to take it with the intent offered, knowing that for them it is not easily proffered.

[feralfae]

Mary, I think, from his limited repertoire of responses he feels allowed to have with you, the give five-fold might be, as Kay said, seen as a gesture of love from Jim. It is probably all he can do.

I am so gleefully happy for you and your lovely eyes.

*<May you see more beauty every day!>*

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Dear Tribe,

I just woke up from a VERY long nap...sound asleep. I see all these posts and more on other topics and I KNOW I can not read them for a few days as the meds (12 a day) burn my eyes and my eyes are tired from well...seeing. I know those posts are filled with your loving and celebration of my successful surgery. I WILL read them when I rest eyes AFTER my drive home sometime. I plan to rest my eyes as I did after the first surgery and I know one of the meds irritates the surface of my eye a lot making it harder to use them so I will be mostly off line again but I WILL eventually read all that is here. I know Harry has been posting a lot and fae and I will backtrack someday and read it all....

This is such a place of healing and support but also growth....how blessed we are...and how blessed I am to have you all.

I do believe that my brother is a loving man who gives as he can. Today it was gas money and in the past he helped me a lot with caregiving costs and came up to help one long weekend a month for Bill's last 5 months. He just either does not know how to be empathic without his collar on or who knows. He was helpful today and I had him stop at McDonald's for coffee rather than deal with "the pot". I love him and am also quite aware that I can not be around him for any length of time and have no expectations or I feel crazy. Bill was the buffer and I am now seeing how much of that he was. I choose not to deal with all this with him as I know it is futile, he does not get it, and I must learn to accept who he is. Learn it again, that is.

I am totally exhausted...I mean totally exhausted... and sort of dreading the drive tomorrow but incredibly anxious to get home, have books on tape to pass the time. I will leave at about 8-9am and arrive home by 3-4, get Bentley (who is fine-I called) and it will be a long drive because i will stop more than the one time I usually stop. But this time tomorrow I am home for a week and then back again I thanked Sharon profusely today and again told her she was worth every mile. I really enjoy our "non eye related chats".

I can't thank you all enough and I feel badly not being able to read your posts and other topics but I know Marty will sig Anne on me and that would not be good. Anne might show up at my door...and beat me with slippers. BTW Anne, I need feedback on the ENT appointment. I know you are there right now.

Love to all

Mary

[kayc]

Yes, Anne has been quiet today, waiting to hear a report from her.

I'm glad Mary is obeying the clan and she's right, Anne would show up with slippers in tote to beat her with.

Keep being good, Mary!

[MartyT]

Mary, dear, as I've said to you elsewhere, please remember how it was after your last eye surgery ~ Give your body sufficient time to rid itself of all the anesthesia and whatever else was put into you, and remember that surgery is an assault on your system. Healing takes time and rest ~ lots and lots of rest ~ and giving yourself that time to rest is not ~ how shall I put this? ~ not your strongest suit. You know that you'll have LOTS of people watching over you these next few days, so you'd better keep your time on our site at a minimum ~ at least to the extent that you feel a need to take care of everybody else. If you need the site for YOU, that's a whole different thing ~ Just do whatever you need to do to take care of YOU, and pay very close attention to what your body is telling you. ♥

[mfh]

Dear Marty, I will make self care and self compassion my stron g suit in the next several weeks. I have spent some time thinking about how this is starting g over again in terms of staying off line, resting my eyes, resting me...and I know you are all watching so I can not fudge on this. It is so difficult now that I can see again...even with strain that i do feel...but I will go off Facebook, do the extreme minimal here and mostly if I need to...and go back to watching movies, listening to audio books and of course my meditation which is a part of who I am. I promise myself all that and then everyone here. It took a bit for me to get it that this is no different than the first surgery...actually I need more rest since I now have two surgeries behind me and twice if not more the stress. The past three days have been I incredibly stressful as you all know...so I am signing off for a long while again....thank you for the reminder again, Marty. I do appreciate it...and you. Healing of the eye (excluding the entire body/being is 8 weeks I am told. That means mid-October though I expect to feel much much better by my sept 20 appt. thank you.

Peace folks,

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Heart Mary,

Knowing you a bit, ahem, I will just post this anyway, on the off chance you skip in for a moment.

If you need anything with which I could help, just send an email.

Heal. Rest. Restore.

Much Love, {{{hugs}}} and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

I won't need to bring slippers, I'll just bring Marty. Mary called me tonight inquirying about my ENT visit. It seems like there is one voice of authority Mary will listen too and that is saying something for one who does not like rules!

[kayc]

Do take care of yourself, and I hope you're not reading this! ♥

[Queeniemary]

I agree, Mary will slip in occasionally, and just want to say that I am overjoyed to hear her wonderful news. Mary, so relieved for you. AND feel quite bucked up for my own surgeries ahead, due to your success. .

Anyway, so very very happy for your news.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

sitting at a truck stop. Doing my eye drops. Have to wait 15 minutes between each of them. Driving is trickier than I anticipated as is walking. I am safe. I am anxious to get home. Another 20 minutes and I can leave here. My brother took me to breakfast today. I kept it light. He is a loving caring man who has never had the gift of a love like I had and I feel sadder for him then I do for me. I got in the car drove 15 minutes and burst into tears. On my way in a little bit. Listening to a book on tape. I'll post when I get home and then I will have to honor my eyes and my body for a few weeks and not go online.very often anyway peace, Mary

[MartyT]

Mary, dear, I see that you're still here, so I'm posting this note in response to you. While I understand completely your strong need to get back home, please be very, very careful with your driving ~ and let us know as soon as you are safely home.

I understand completely about your brother never having had the gift of love as you have had. My sister was married to an alcoholic for 25 years before she had the courage to leave him (brought up in a very Catholic family, we were) ~ and then she met the love of her life. Now, several years later, she is an entirely different person ~ and I know it's because she is so loved by her husband. What a difference that kind of love does make in our lives . . .

Be safe, dear heart, and know that we travel with you ♥