mfh Posted August 12, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2013 Kay, I did read about Skye and responded over there. I am so sorry. My surgical eye is better in terms of the irritation and even vision. I am being very cautious. Thank you all for reaching out. I have read a few different posts and am responding to a couple. Yes, going through this all over again coupled with learning more about the surgical eye after testing next week...feels like overload...a double whammy. I am absolutely dreading all of it...and of course, concerned about outcome with both eyes now...though I think the first eye will ultimately be ok. I had a conversation with my friend, Cathy yesterday. Our friendship is being tested by life. I took a brave step today...I have been back and forth a thousand times about going to my niece's wedding in Rockport MA in September. Part of me wants to avoid it all for the sake of comfort....but it is not a real comfort. I have not seen any of them except my brother since the funeral and 5 months after that...and the latter was quite unpleasant...a turning point of sorts. But I am thinking this could be a healing time for me and maybe for them or the family as a whole. (What can I say...I try again but will not expect ANYthing) I can't stay resentful forever with my family...I do not want to at least. I love them dearly. I am pretty clear now that they are not able to hear me...not new. So i drove into Madison today to a neat shop and spent way too much money on a neat outfit for the wedding. I realized I have not shopped for clothes in close to 9 years...had no clue of what was out there and was grateful for the clerk who was quite helpful and sensitive when my eyes filled up with tears (going to this wedding without Bill will be so hard and with surgeries i am pretty vulnerable)...The clerk and I ended up having a neat discussion (she is a retired UW counselor) and gave me her email so I can send her some information about advanced directives, palliative care, etc. (What else) So I have this rather wild (for me) silk flowing jacket that looks like a watercolor painting and black silky slacks...and shell. If I can not go to the wedding because of the second surgery (I leave 3 weeks after the surgery) I will have a nice outfit that is more expensive than I usually buy but with my self confidence compromised in just about every arena...I want something I felt ok in. I would leave on the 12th, fly through Chicago meeting my brother there, landing in Boston and return on the 17th. I may get off in Chicago as I see the MD for my check up and glass Rx on the 20th. Then take the bus home and have a friend pick me up at the UW...not sure. Part of me wants to cash in the ticket and drive out there...but I won't... Karen, you are in my heart as you deal with loss and also with your daughter's cancer. Chris, I am so so so glad you went to see the counselor. fae, thank you for your notes. All of you....you are so very special to me. No more typing today...between driving and typing...time to rest my eyes. Thanks to all of you. Love Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 12, 2013 Report Share Posted August 12, 2013 Mary, I've heard it said that the clothes make the woman...not sure I agree, but I know the clothes can make the woman FEEL more equipped! Smiling that your jacket looks like a watercolor, sounds just right for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 My Dear Friends I do not have to have eye #1 done over. The lens is sitting .3mm back from where it should be due to the atypical architecture of my eye. The challenge is what power lens to use in eye two since she is not able to predict if it will happen again. She is frustrated as she is a perfectionist. But this is rare. I told her I am atypical so I guess my eyes are also. Surgery is at 1pm tomorrow...an hour of drops, OR about 2pm and home by perhaps 4 or 5 central. I told her I like being able to read without glasses as I now can but until the other eye is done it is pure STRAIN. the astigmatism is gone in eye 1 thanks to a toric lens . ($2450 out of pocket...Medicare does not pay for those so glad it worked I can't tell you how glad I will be after tomorrow. I cry at the drop of a pin. Left at 6am after 4.5 hrs sleep so hope I sleep tonight. Tomorrow night I have to sleep in the chair. I hate to be repetitive but I would give anything to have Bill here with me. I am at a local Panera and will head to the monastery shortly. I called Jim to make sure he knew I was coming since he never replied to 2 emails and did not understand why I would think he did not know. If I feel up to it and it is not raining...I MAY drive home Thursday. We shall see. I need Bentley and home. I told Sharon MD that she was worth every one of the total of 3300 miles I will have driven for these surgeries. Thank you all so very much for caring so much. It feels so good to know that people who get the import and loneliness of this are there. Once again I have not heard from Cathy even after we talked about her disappearance during and following eye #1, I am starting to worry about dementia....it is not a new worry. Anne, please let me know about your hearing test and Benji's med reaction. If you need to call tonight it is fine after 7pm. I think we eat at 6 More tomorrow later in the day. Love and peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 Mary, so glad your lens worked as well as it did, and can't wait until you are safe and snug at home, following #2. I wish I was there to drive you and you could come home asap after operation. I'd like to thrash your brother but I guess it's like being handicapped in a sense, he just doesn't get it. I'll have to go back and read again to find what happened w/Cathy as I don't remember other than her disappearing on you, but I hope she's okay. Soon you'll be home with Bentley, hang in there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 So very glad about the first eye surgery, Mary. We are right there with you tomorrow. I think that the tears are all part of your gentle self trying to cope with this as best you are able. Some people are just not empathetic or are too caught up in their own world that they don't stop to smell the roses. I don't know why Cathy has been silent during this time when you needed a friend - perhaps she is doing the best she knows how with what's on her plate now. I am sorry for that because it hurts me to see you not have that support you so deserve. As for Benji and me - we will get caught up on these things when you return to WI. I have my appointment Thursday for my hearing. My cardiac doc has taken me off two of the medications I was on but he had to give me another in their place. Medicines are tricky. They often do have side affects! I am watching Benji very carefully. The poor little guy is having trouble adjusting to the phenobarb - I see his vet next week. Until then I watch him like a hawk! Touch base with us when you are able. Everyone holds you close. Namaste. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 Very well expressed, Anne! You often have a way of putting things that I wish I could state as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 Thank you all. Tonight went well. I actually participated in the office (a series of psalms, prayers, etc that monks do several times a day. When I was in convent we sang it, in Latin, 5 times a day...combining the 7 hours traditionally done into 5 . One priests is an artist and I like him...we discussed The Butler and lots of other movies as he is doing eye surgery also a d watches movies a lot as I have been doing. He is into some good ones. We watched the news and when the splrts came on...silence prevailed. My brother is a sports nut...scouted by the Cardinals way back but went to seminary. Now I am in my room which is Jim's suite which he cleaned...so I have no complaints....ate too much but no more food now until 4 or 5 tomorrow. very tired tonight...not much sleep last night, long drive and two hours of tests...120 measurements on o e test series. Thank you all. Peace Mary I can't wait to get all focus OFF of me. Ready for some newness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 Dear Mary, You are in all our thoughts these next two days. Be well. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 Mary, "I can't wait to get all focus OFF of me. Ready for some newness." That is a beautifully wry plan on words, and I commend your inner remarkable sangfroid from some inner level of calm that resides in the Wordsmith of you. Bravo! Also, superb news on the eyes. We are all so delighted, and know you are going to come through this with a great deal of your usual fortitude, and the better for the surgery in many ways. Again, I commend you on your Wordsmithing. Doug would have admired your spirit. I admire your spirit. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 Mary, you are so much in my thoughts. C.S. Lewis said how much grief is like fear. Next I think comes bravery. We are all so BRAVE, and no one who hasn't experienced great loss can understand how brave we have to be as life throws more challenges at us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 We carry you in our hearts, dear Mary. Remember who you have around that OR table with you. Bill is holding your head, your God is at your feet, and all the rest of us are bowing heads in prayer. We'll all wait to hear from you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 Mary, my dear, so very happy you do not have to repeat the surgery on eye #1. You will be home with Bentley before you know it, with two "good" eyes. Anxious to hear how this second one does for you. You know we are all holding you close today in our hearts, and of course, we know that Bill is with you also. Not sure if this is right place to report my news, but guess it is. I saw eye doctor yesterday, would have reported yesterday, but after dilation could barely see all day. The pressure still elevated in left eye, we are doing the laser surgery next Tuesday. I learned that, unless I am in that unlucky 1%, this will most likely reduce the pressure. I was told the benefits could last 1, 2, 3, 4 or even for some lucky people 5 years! Most people have relief for a couple of years. They only laser 1/4 of the eye at a time, so they can repeat the procedure 3 more times if necessary, He said if this works well, then I can be looking at a decade of lower pressure. NOW if this does not work, then more invasive, risky, expensive surgery, possibly a stint, might be next. I would be sent to a glaucoma specialist in that case. I am just going to assume this will work fine... One interesting thing, Mary, although I have the wide angle glaucoma, I was told that I should continue with the plans for the cataract surgery in the fall, he told me that 50% of glaucoma patients who have the cataract surgery benefit with reduced pressure in the eyes!! So I will continue with plans for the cataract surgery. Will be waiting to hear from you after today's surgery Mary, Peace and calmness Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 QMary, I responded to this somewhere else thinking I was posting here on my iPad. I will see if I can find it.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 Dear Mary, Just a note to say that you will be in my prayers and thoughts today. You are doing so very well through all of this, I tis wonderful that the first eye is doing fine and will be better once the new glasses are available, if I understood you correctly. remember, we are all with you, surrounding you, crowding in amongst the Angels Who I know are watching over you today we well. (QueenieMary, It is so great to hear that the surgery can serve to also lower the pressure ... I did not know about that.) Blessings, and I will check in later today. I know you are going to be just fine, and we will all be here, waiting for your next report. Much Love and *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 QMary, So glad about your news and hope Tuesday brings the anticipated results! And I'm hoping you'll be one that gets 5 years! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 Finally, I get to go to surgery...long long morning. Had a discussion with Jim about chemotherapy and radiation as an option for treatment. We clearly do not see this issue the same way...no surprise. He sees chemo and radiation as "normal" treatment and my choice not to do either should i evert be recommended as not honoring life, friends, responsibility....as selfish. whew! Did not need that today. I am off to surgery.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 Are you KIDDING ME! Your brother's perspective amazes me! Do what you feel best, Mary, you alone can decide that. Grrr! You're right, you most certainly did not need this type of "support" today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 I am on the other side of surgery. Sharon said it went perfectly well. Tomorrow morning the tale will be continued as we see if there is swelling and then the 29th will tell the real tale in terms of swelling and cornea. Each one brings me closer to the end of this journey through eyes. I learned today that in spite of these surgeries being all but identical...there is no such thing as two duplicate surgeries. The nurse (Jim's friend) was NOT there and the nurse today I had was awesome as she gently did a thousand drops...Jim's friend was so rough my eye hurt each time in spite of my words. i had Jim wait out of the area today in case that nurse was there. He said, "What should I tell her when she wants me to come back?" I said just tell her Mary asked you to wait in the waitng room. She does not have to know why. i.e. that she turns into a hyperactive groupie. So that was the good news. As the nurse bandaged my rings (I wear my wedding ring and Bill's) they are identical and his is just a bit larger than mine. the nurse noticed they were two and I told her about Bill. She asked when I lost him and I told her 2010 and she said, "Oh, you are still raw." I said how do you know that and she said when she was 40 she lost her husband...she just smiled and said..."I know". So glad she was on duty today. I filled up with tears and she said something like I understand your tears but try not to cry right now so the drops (a million) stay in. We both laughed that laugh that knows. The anesthesiologist was another story. She put my IV in and I gushed all over...upsetting her, causing her to ask if I was on blood thinners (of course not) so I am bruised and have to ice my hand all evening. last time the guy put it in and I never even knew it was there. Then the anestheologist says...I did not want that to happen and may have to do it over in surgery in case the drugs can't get through. Duh!!! I exaggerated my concern so she got the message. She was nice and apoloigzed twice but this was her lack of skill...for sure. I was out cold for part I but more awake for part two and could see Sharon's instruments and moving about. But it was ok. I am at the monastery now and the eye is running so the nurse gave me pads in case it runs beyond the bandages. They warned me to do nothing more than pat the area outside the bandages and it was common so I have to trust. I see Sharon at 8:30am for bandage removal, eye exam for vision, and consult with Sharon. She will look for swelling inside the eye. We do NOT want ANY. Getting closer to the end of this. I am truly feeling this is an ending to a huge part of my journey...it is a symbol, this ending, of a new part of my life...whatever it means. I am tired of surgery, sickness and physical stuff. I can handle the grief but both are too much. Right, Anne? I can not see TV very well out of the first eye (the other is bandaged until morning) and I am tired so that eye does not want to see well right now at all. I am enlarging this so I can see and correct a zillion errors. Time for Mary to get out of the spotlight. Enough is enough. But I have to get through the next 8 days and also hope the drugs don't get me messed up again emotionally. I can handle that though. It caught me off guard last time. I KNOW I won't go home tomorrow as I am wobbly this time and I wasn't last time so if all is ok tomorrow at the MD, I will drive home Friday if it is not raining (and it is not predicted). I need sleep before I tackle that. It is going ok a the monastery. I just refrain from discussions with my brother as they are so frustrating and painful When I was in recovery they brought him in. I was the last surgery and the nurse got me coffee and said everyone was leaving but somehow communicated that they can't leave until I do. Jim then said, (I am never shocked anymore)- as i was just starting to sip my first fluid of the day...."Are you done so we can leave because then they can all go home." I said, "I will take my time drinking my coffee. First it is really hot and second I have a right to take my time." I had just told him I was wobbly. But all those medical people's needs to go were more important than mine....he treats me the way he treats himself. I added "patient rights" because i was mad! I send my love and I will notify you all after seeing Sharon regarding swelling which I will know in the morning. I can hardly see. so time to stop. But am breathing in relief. I love you and apprciate each and every one of you, Thank you all so very much. I needed to vent a bit and there is not a soul here who gets it. As I waited in pre-op while they did over an hour of drops, I pictured Bill there holding my hand and tying my gown that I could not tie easily as the ties were way in back. End of my longest ever post, I think. And I am not sorry about that. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 Thank goodness, dear Mary. A sigh of relief that this part is finished. You were big time in my thoughts today. Yes, we both are looking forward to getting this physical stuff over, right? REST, drink fluids, eat light, don't forget to brush your teeth before you go to bed. And don't over use your ipad! Waiting for tomorrow's report. Thank you for nattering, now rest. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 Mary, so happy the surgery is behind you. Now, probably the hardest part, waiting.....we are with you in spirit, if not physically. Will be waiting to hear more when you know more. Sorry about your brother, wish he was different. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 I just had dinner with the priests. The one who sits across from me (we are in assigned seats) is named Bill (hmmm) and I like him best of all of them. We can communicate. He is now the acting provincial as the provincial is in Rome for a month with the Pope (and other provincials-a provincial is the head guy in the division or province) So I teased Bill about his saying the provincial was a wise man...and said.."and he put you in charge?" so we bantered back and forth. I have known him since 1959 when he was practically a teenager. He is like a brother. One of the guys (my artist friend-he is a great artist) went to see The Butler so it was just 5 of us. I am noticing that 90% of my conversations here are with the other priests...not with my own brother. He asks me questions on occasion and if I give the wrong answers...there is silence. EG Last night he asked me if I was more relaxed about this surgery. I said I was dreading it. SILENCE follows. I am ever so tired of it and this is the last time I will complain. Hard for me to know the fine line between sharing pain and complaining. It IS hurtful to feel so ---I do not know the word. TV remains very blurred. Computer distance vision is less blurred but blurred. Tomorrow I will hopefully see distance. If the lens lands the same place the first one did...I do not know if I can drive home...cute, eh? If it goes in as she hopes and plans for it...some of which is beyond her control....I will have perfect distant vision in that eye (as I was supposed to in the other). She told me there is a chance I won't need glasses because one eye reads and the other should be distance friendly but we both know the reading in my first eye is not clear enough so who knows. I CAN see with my right eye and hopefully with left....the rest is no big deal...trust me on that. It is hot here and these guys do not turn on AC..........awgh! They turned in on in the other side for the cook but not for me or themselves. I don't overuse AC but I look to comfort...winter or summer. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted August 22, 2013 Report Share Posted August 22, 2013 Mary, So glad this is finally over for you. I just know the end result will be good. I'm so sorry that your brother is insensitive to your feelings. It must be very hard. I have no siblings to compare with, but I guess life, in general, just produces different personalities. Strange that someone of his chosen path appears to have no empathy. Please be extra careful as you are driving home. You are a brave lady. Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 22, 2013 Thanks, Karen. He is truly a good man but I just am not on the recipient list. No explanation. I just asked about coffee before my appt in the am and he said there is a pot near the other kitchen but he does not know how to make coffee so I would have to figure it out. I guarantee if I was not family he would have had it all figured out and made. I so miss Bill. He would have run out and gotten croissants, flowers and had the coffee on in the morning complete with a hug. Pretty emotional and alone suddenly tonight....just wanting Bill so much. I feel more alone here than if alone at home. So sad. I am probably ok to drive tomorrow but I do not know what vision I will have yet. And rain is expected which makes it harder to see right now so not sure of my plan. Have to wait and see what my vision is....of course. Last time I could see and then the lens settled in back too far but that happened after I got home.i am just sitting here feeling sorry for myself tonight...partly drugs but it does not feel that way. This too shall pass.thanks, Karen I truly do not feel very brave tonight. I feel like a scared lonely child. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 22, 2013 Some where there is always a silver lining. After my brother said a while ago that he would see me in the morning I asked about breakfast. He said there is cereal in the kitchen. I asked then about coffee as last month I could not find any. He said there is a pot in the other kitchen and he does not know how to make coffee so I would hold have to figure it out. So I was hurt and alone as I thought of the flowers, coffee and croissant ts Bill would have prepared as a surprise. I brought a couple of bottles of my favorite wI wine for them but forgot to give it to them last night. The artist priest offered me wine at dinner as he was having a glass and I accepted it. Then at bed time he asked if I needed a glass of with e to unwind. I passed but felt cared about. It does not take much. This morning I gave him the wine I bought and told Jim about it on the way to the hospital. I told him I gave it to Don as he seemed to enjoy wine. Jim said he was the only one who drinks it.no thanks or anything. So tonight at 9plus Don knocks at my door and asks if I would like a glass of the wine I brought as he was tasting it. He went back down stairs and returned with a white dish towel over his arm saying "if I did this right I would have it on a tray" we laughed, I thanked him and he left. I felt cared about and a bit heard by him...a nice guy he also got the ceiling fan going as the AC is not on up here. I have also known him for years. Have no clue where Jim is. I looked for him at 7 but he was deeply engrossed in a sports tv program. I have learned a lot about myself through all this. A lot. I might ,drive to a motel tomorrow...if I can see. Mary venting...no...Mary sharing pain..again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted August 22, 2013 Report Share Posted August 22, 2013 Mary, dear, I'm so sorry you're feeling so alone tonight ~ Thank goodness for that one priest who seems a bit more human than the rest I wish you could share the entire bottle of wine with him! Practice your relaxation techniques when you get into bed, and please try to get some sleep tonight. Tomorrow is another day, and we'll be eagerly waiting to hear how your vision is when those bandages come off. If you need to get yourself to a motel tomorrow, please do so, and don't even think about driving yourself back home until you feel safe enough to do so. (I know you won't.) Meanwhile I hope you can feel our arms wrapped around you, as we're all holding you close. Sending you love and light and healing . . . ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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