Loss Of Husband

[feralfae]

Dear Lynn,

I had to smile at your post. ^

I am so very proud of you for recognizing that adult children need our love, but not our stuff. I have two daughters in their 40s, both of whom their Dad and I, then Doug and I helped a LOT. I finally had to get over my sense of responsibility for their happiness/comfort/lives and set them free. They both owe an apology to me, and when they apologize, I will cautiously welcome them back, but very cautiously. People who whine incessantly about how others are responsible for their personal life are tiring and usually looking for a victim whom they can manipulate with pity or guilt. Good for you!

I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself. The only person for whom you need to be a personal safety net for as long as you need is for YOU. Wrap your arms and heart around your precious self and take the best care of you that you are able to each day.

I am also really glad your session with your grief counselor went well. I like that advice about five things. I remember early on after Doug left when my daily task list was brush teeth, brush hair, eat breakfast, eat lunch, eat dinner, brush teeth, brush hair, sleep. And three times a week I required myself to visit with someone face to face, whether a counselor or friend. Every day, I kept a journal and a gratitude journal. After I found this wonderful place, I began to meditate more intentionally, to read more on grief and loss, and coping with the first year. The help I have found here has saved my sanity and my sense of self in many ways. For a while I thought I was totally nuts. I also found here the validating feedback that I so desperately needed. I am delighted that you are finding validation here as well.

I am pleased that you are joining us here around Marty's and Mary's fire. I am sorry for the reason, but glad you found this wonderful healing place to share and feel safe.

Welcome, if I did not already say that.

Blessings and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

SadLynn,

When my husband died, his brother wrote from jail wanting his coin collection for his son "to remember him by". We have our own children if we had anything to leave to anyone, and I was getting hospital and doctor bills galore, why would he leave something to a nephew he didn't even know? As it was, his coin collection was gone. I wrote his brother back and told him so, then I told him I have plenty of hospital bills he could have to remember him by. I never heard from him again. Good riddance, I say, to leeches who don't even care about the dead or their widows.

By the time children are middle aged, you'd think they'd make their own way. You have to look after yourself, we're getting older and we're having to go it alone, if anyone could use some help, it's us. I'm glad you have the presence of mind to realize that. It's sad your stepson only comes around when he thinks there's something to get.

And fae, if you are nuts, you have good company.

[SadLynn]

Thank you all for your continued post. Today has been an okay day. I do know that there is way to much time in the day. I am having a hard time filling up my days. Try to read as I love to read but it is hard to concentrate on what I am reading. It has been raining so much here that can't really go outside and work in yard. Guess I will have to come up with a new project to try and fill some of these hours so I don't just sit and think to much. Finding it hard to leave my house without a really good reason but I am going to have to get braver I guess. Just so tired most of the time seems I am walking through quicksand. Hope you all are doing okay and have a blessed day.

[feralfae]

Lynn, maybe you could watch some films. I found it very hard to read for a long time. The concentration simply was not there. With the movies, I could watch one three of four times before I finally had the plot figured out, because my concentration was really poor.

Yard work is so very therapeutic. I hope your rain stops, but not until you have had enough rain.

Have you been able to reach out to any other friends, and did you find a grief support group in your area? It can be terribly hard to leave the house some days. I still have those days occasionally. For the first several months, I went to the office, home, and that was it. I could not face the idea of meeting people I knew at the store, and would duck in and out getting only a few things, hardly able to bear the people and being in a place with so many memories of shopping together. Going places that are full of memories can be really tough.

The tiredness was the worst. I could barely do those simple things such as brushing my teeth. I just wanted to sit and remember, try to understand, try to accept. Journaling helped me a great deal, and I would sit and write for pages and pages. It helped to get things out of my heart and on to the paper, I think. Now journaling is a habit, and it helps to keep me honest with myself and also gives me the opportunity to review my day, my emotional fluctuations, and my plans, which helps to sort things and to step back and look from a little distance at the grief. Just journaling about how you are feeling can be a help.

Take lots of naps. Your body and brain and your heart and spirit, are all going through huge amounts of rebuilding and adjustment. That is very tiring. It takes a lot of energy to work through grief. Remember to stay well hydrated. Are you eating any better? Any appetite at all? I hope you got some frozen dinners or some healthy snacks.

Thank you, I am hoping this day stays blessed. You are kind.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[SadLynn]

Dear Fae, I actually cooked gumbo last night and made myself eat some. It was hard to cook and hard to eat but I did it anyway. Still having problems eating. My stomach gets upset and feels like I have a lead weight in it after I eat anything. My counselor told me that this will go away eventually and I really hope that is true. I do watch movies and that does help because for a time that gets me to stop thinking about my loss. I do journal now but I still find it hard to do. I was never a writer and it does not come easy for me to write my feelings or anything down. I have not yet found a support group but will continue to look for one. I do try and take naps but it is hard for me. I can't nap in my bedroom as I don't feel comfortable there in the day so I try and nap on couch but I here so many noises that sound like my husband walking around. Know that they are not real but hear them anyway and instead of bringing me comfort they make me restless. Just so tired of being tired!! Some days I feel just like a caged lion pacing back in forth in his cage. I do leave the house but it is only when I have something specific to do or accomplish. Otherwise, I get overwhelmed and just want to come home. Continual fight in my mind to make a decision about anything, but I am working on it. It is just very slow process that I will never get use to. I am the complete opposite of everything I was before and I don't like it but i do know that I don't have any control of it. Just have to walk through the darkness and count on God's promise to find the light and joy that is waiting for me.

Lynn

[kayc]

Focus was very hard for me after George died. I'd been an avid reader "before" but "after" I couldn't get into a book. I'd read a few pages and that's it. I could read short articles, like the newspaper, but that's all, I could not get into a book. I am just this year finally reading again, I'm on my third book. The first year or so I couldn't watch a movie, just couldn't get into it...maybe because it's something we'd done together, but finally I was able to.

Is there something that would be easy on your stomach that you could eat? Nothing heavy, maybe chicken soup? I lost weight at first and then gain it back and then some. I'm an emotional eater...when stress is super super high, I can't eat, but when it's "high" I eat too much (emotionally). I used to do better when I was doing Prism but now they've disbanded so there's no more support groups.

Overwhelmed is a feeling we're all familiar with. I find that it comes and goes more now, whereas in the beginning it was pretty continual.

I wasn't able to take naps when I lost George because I was working full time. I lost my job after he died and had to go to commuting 100+ miles/day, so it was important to get my sleep but sometimes it was elusive. I did get a mild sleeping pill from the doctor but rarely used it unless I was totally sleep deprived and then usually on the weekend to "catch up" because I was afraid it'd leave me too sleepy in the morning for my long and sometimes dangerous drive. Looking back, I don't know how I survived, but somehow I did.

[Gucci1506]

Hello all, I am new to this site. I have been trying to find a website like this in Australia but with no success, I am hoping the time difference doesn't make it difficult to interact with people on this site in the same situation as me.

My husband Shane passed away suddenly on the 20th May, he was 43. We were married for 6 years, not long enough. I found him on the couch when I arrived home from work, shocking night. I can still feel that night. He was so cold, 000 asked me to try and revive him but he was gone and for quite some time, they estimate from about 8.30 that morning. That night is like a blur, it's like it wasn't me going through that. First the paramedics, then the police, then the coroner. All in our home, it was a nightmare. I remember saying the most stupid things to the police, things like "you poor things, I can't believe this is your job, how can you do this". After all the commotion was over, about 9pm. Then his family arrived, all the sadness was just horrific. I remember saying to my sister I can't stand all the sadness. We said goodbye on the 2nd June. It was a long time, the coroner took a while to release Shane's body. Still don't know cause of death, they are still waiting for test results. His GP things it may have been a heart attack. Hopefully I should find out soon. I am seeing a counsellor every fortnight which helps. She asked me to try and find a forum, she thinks it will help if I find a good one. I am hoping this is a good one.

Still seems very raw when I walk into a room at home for a split second I think I will find Shane, but then that feeling goes and I know he is gone, I miss him terribly. We have 2 dogs which have been great comfort , but they don't talk back!

Trying to live day to day at the moment, each day is different and a new emotion.

[enna]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how horrible it must have been for you to find your Shane as you did.

One thing I can assure you and that is for whatever reason you were guided to this forum you have found not only a caring site but one that will offer many helpful links to what is healthy grief. We have many members from other countries and I can assure you that it doesn't matter where we are from we come here and we read and at times we even respond.

I am from the southwestern United States in beautiful Arizona. I lost my dear husband of forty years in May 2012.

Please take care of your needs right now ~ drink water, eat or graze, sleep, and go for walks. Grieving is hard work and you will need your strength.

As you will hear from others ~ it will take as long as it takes. There are no rules when grieving. It is a very individual thing.

Others will come here and read your story and offer a hug or an encouraging thought. All will support you on your journey.

Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Gucci

My beloved husband Pete died two years ago after we has been married almost fifty years. I'm aware that I was lucky that we were together that long but when it has happened we have to live with the grief and loss and it's very hard. I am so very very sorry for your pain. I'm in England. I don't think you will find the time distance too much of a problem and there are many people on this site who really get what you are going through. Your loss of Shane is so hard, when you haven't had anything like enough time to gather and when it was so sudden. My heart goes out to you. There are many helpful resources, which Marty who runs this site will point you towards. But when the pain is so new all you can do is out one foot in front of another, just getting out of bed and starting the day is a triumph. Jan

[kayc]

Gucci,

I am so sorry you lost your husband, esp. so young and in such a shocking way...that is what happened to me too. I knew my husband only 6 1/2 years, we were only married 3 years 8 months, when he died abruptly from a heart attack, it was the weekend I go away with my sisters annually, and he didn't let me know he was in the hospital and by the time I found out and got to the hospital, he woke up having another heart attack. I'd hoped we could have a "last talk" but it wasn't to be. His birthday banner was still up, he'd just turned 51 and looked the picture of health.

We've had people from Canada, Greece, England, etc., I don't think that'll be a problem, esp. since we often are awake in the middle of the night, we keep running conversations going in our threads. You might want to start your own thread...when I joined nine years ago, it was more topical, but now some have their own threads, but really we all post on each others.

You're undoubtedly still in shock, it's so much to process. I do understand what you're going through. Do you have any children at home? Any nearby relatives?

There are some others here that are still fresh in their grief, different ones will stop by soon. I do hope you keep coming here...you're looking for a good forum, this is it! This place has been my lifesaver over the years, it is a really special group of people, the best people I've ever met, perhaps it's all we've been through.

Marty and Mary are the counselors here, they take good care of us, always finding just the right thing to read, a link, a video, something we need.

My heart goes out to you. You've just met the lifeline you're going to need. Later on down the road you might want to try a support group but I think that's recommended at about three months or so.

Perhaps you can tell us something about your husband so we can get to know him...how you met, what he was like, etc. If you don't want to, that's okay, I find that I like to talk about mine.

[texylady]

First let me add my condolences. I lost my Rick one day before you lost your mate. He was originally diagnosed with liver cancer as well, but it was actually pancreatic. From diagnosis to passing was less than three weeks. It is impossible for me to imagine what it would have been like to have years of knowing that the end was just over the next hill. I feel a sisterhood with you as our men passed so near to one another. I wish for you clarity and peace that I am still trying to find for myself.

[SadLynn]

Dear Gucci,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband Shane. I lost my husband Ben, less than 3 months ago. It was not sudden as yours was and I have thought long about which way is easier and have decided neither one is easier they are both heart wrenching. This is actually my thread that I started because I needed someone to talk to and you are more than welcome to share it with me. It would be my honor. This forum has been a wonderful help to me and I know it will be the same for you. It really helps to be able to talk to others who are feeling the same things you are. I live in Alabama in the United States and I am just surviving each moment, day, week. Some days are manageable and some or extremely difficult but I get through them with the grace of God. All who post here are loving, kind and supportive. I know I can't take away your pain and no one can take away mine, but we will be here to love and support you in anyway we can. Please continue to post and share your life with us. It will help you and it will help me also.

God Bless you!

Lynn

[SadLynn]

You know the best thing about this forum, is that the people on here give you something to look forward to and the knowledge that there is hope. I know it is possible to survive because they have survived and have found their way or are finding their way through the darkness of grief. They have become my friends in place of the friends I have loss. Thank you all again for being there for all of us.

Lynn

[MartyT]

♥

[feralfae]

Dear Lynn,

Thank you for being here with us. Thank you for sharing with us. We all learn from and help each other to heal.

That is one of the wonders of this place. We heal ourselves as we share and help each other, no matter where we are on our journey.

Thank you for your kind words.

fae

[feralfae]

Dear Gucci,

I am so sorry you have lost the most important person in your life, your beloved husband Shane.

I lost Doug to colon cancer almost 29 months ago after we did all we could for several years. I hope that each day brings a bit of solace to you. Peace of the heart is such an elusive state the first several months, as we blindly grope our way through the thick fog of shock, grief, loss, and loss of our balance in life.

When you feel stronger, please tell us a little more about Shane. I hope you are taking good care of yourself, and that you have loving family and friends around you.

Blessings and some loving *<fairy dust>*

feralfae

[Gucci1506]

It was lovely to read everyone's reply's and how supportive everyone is. My name is Teresa.

I didn't know whether I was going to write another post but I feel compelled as everyone seems so lovely. These situations where I have to open myself up to people has been challenging, I feel very vulnerable in situations like these. It's like I have lost my confidence to interact with people. The only place I feel safe is at home and at work.

I bit about Shane, I may cry as I am writing this, he was a happy, funny, gentle man. He made me laugh every day which I miss terribly. Yes I'm crying! Trying to console myself so I can type. His family has said he was the happiest when he met me and I gave him something that no one else has ever done, acceptance of him. And he gave me the same, acceptance just as I was. I loved him dearly, crying again. I know there are millions of people around the would going through tragedy and they have survived! Just want the pain and sadness to end and for me to be happy again

Teresa

[Queeniemary]

Teresa, so very sorry for your loss, and that you have joined us on this journey that none of us wanted to make. My husband Mike died very suddenly on January 13, 2010, just after midnight of a massive coronary. No one was home with him, and he was not found until late in the afternoon by our daughter. I was in a hospital about 1 1/2 hours away, having just gone through a total knee replacement just a couple of days before. I can relate to the suddenness of death. I have been coming here to this forum since April, 2010, and have always found great comfort and information here. We all walk together on this horrible journey, some further along the path than others, but all grieving, and learning, with the help of our travel companions, to survive.

QMary

[KarenK]

Teresa, I also wanted to welcome you to the "tribe". I lost my wonderful Ron to cancer & multiple complications almost 14 months ago. We were married almost 41 years.

At first, being alone was the WORST. I played the TV almost 24/7 just for the noise. Some days, I thought I had lost my mind, but somehow found it again with the help of my children and caring people in this group.

I am away from home for a time taking care of my terminally ill daughter. I HATE CANCER!!! It took my husband & is taking my child.

When I am home in the southwestern U.S., I am awake at all hours, so feel free to post whenever you are comfortable.

It does get a little better.

Luv,

Karen

[SadLynn]

Teresa,

Know exactly how you feel. I am having a hard time with confidence in myself and also the same feeling of feeling safe only at home. I was married to my Ben for 31 years and he was the light in my world. The most charming and positive person you would ever want to meet. So I now find myself in the dark without him. It is a horrible loss! With the help of all these wonderful people I am working hard to learn how to deal with the loss. I know exactly what your mean about crying because it is something you just can't control no matter how hard you try. Don't ever feel bad about crying. I spent the 1st two months apologizing two everyone about my crying and now I know I don't have anything to apologize for. It is part of the grieving process and I don't care who sees me cry. I know how hard this is but we both have to keep crying, crawling, walking or anything else to keep surviving and one day we will find light in our lives again. We will build our confidence and find our self worth again. I feel your pain and I cry for you as I cry for myself. You are not alone! Feel free to write anytime and we will always write back with love and compassion.

Lynn

[SadLynn]

Dear Karen,

I am so sorry you are having to endure more pain with the illness of your daughter. I agree with you and I hate cancer also. I will pray for you and your daughter to have comfort and peace.

Lynn

[kayc]

Teresa,

I hope you'll continue coming here because I want the solace I found here to be yours also. I focus on who George was and what we had together rather than the short-changed time we got together, otherwise I'd go stir-crazy.

Whether it's three weeks or three years, we're all in this boat together...I can't believe it's been nine years for me, after about three years it didn't seem to change much, what I was left with is what I had and it just took time to process it all. Grief work is the hardest thing I've ever done, but for the most part I'm at peace and look forward to eternity with George, whenever that time will be, and I've learned to draw from him inside of me for encouragement and comfort, the same as the others here have with their spouses.

This is a very safe place, you can cry, scream, write what you need to express, we're here.

Kay

[SadLynn]

Sorry I have been silent for a few days. Had to have some dental surgery done and it has been rough. Hope you are all doing well and hopefully trying to enjoy this holiday. I am trying to just remain content. The fourth of July is my fathers birthday and we lost him 31 years ago and of course it just adds to my grief for my dear husband Ben. Have been reading a lot and just sleeping as the pain pills for my mouth make me very sleepy but they work which is good. I have not been doing much else just finally taking it easy.

Love

Lynn

[mfh]

Dear Lynn, You never have to apologize for not being here. I do hope you feel ok following your dental surgery. Glad you have the pain pills and the sleep they make easy. Holidays are tough for most. Even the ones you never cared about...perhaps because the world is celebrating around us. Do rest and heal and come back when you can. We are here for you.

[kayc]

Lynn, I'm glad you're getting some rest, and as Mary already said, no need to apologize for being absent, we all need to be sometimes. This is a place to come and go as it works for you. I hope they day goes okay for you, I think I'll spend the evening in, alone, making sure my furbabies aren't scared.