Loss Of Husband

[SadLynn]

Hi, I am new to this site. I lost my husband of 31 years to cancer on 4-4-14. I have done okay for the last 2 months but his birthday was last Friday and ever since then I have been knocked for a loop as they say. Am so sad that I am having hard time getting back on my feet. Anyone that can give me some helpful hints, it would be greatly appreciated.

[feralfae]

Dear SadLynn,

I am so very sorry you have lost your husband. I hope you will tell us more about him. Other friends here will be checking in soon and will also respond, but let me just say a few things that helped me to make it through those early survival days. My husband Doug left 28 months ago, following a courageous fight against colorectal cancer. Doug successfully outlived the doctors' prognosis by almost three years. I still miss him every day, but I am slowly emerging from the worst of the fog/shadow and finding some light and warmth in each day.

You are probably numb and in a fog right now. Your husband's birthday may be the first day that some of the reality of your loss actually registered. I was about that far out when for the first time I realized Doug would not be back, ever. I don't remember a lot about those first few months, but I have learned some good tools, especially here, where there are wonderful and caring and compassionate friends. We all stand together around our imaginary fire and help each other to heal. Here are some things I have learned here . . .

Take care of yourself, honor your body, nutritionally and with healthy hydration.

Rest, sleep, take naps as often as you feel the least urge to do so. Grieving is terribly hard work, and also dehydrating. Crying is dehydrating, but very healing. Wailing is also good.

Reach out and surround yourself with people who care about you and understand your loss—and your sense of being lost as well.

Have a grief counselor and a grief support group.

Do lots of journaling.

Do yoga or tai chi or something so your body keeps moving.

Meditate.

Okay, that is just a short checklist of helpful tools. I know that soon, others will be here to welcome you and help you to feel at home as you make this journey of grief. We get so very broken when we lose our Beloved, and I think all we can do is go through the journey, having faith that we will come out the other side. Changed, but ready for life again.

I am so very sorry about your loss, and of course birthdays and all milestone days pull at our hearts and bring up incredible fountains of grief, tears, and longing. I am so sorry. When you are ready, tell us more about your husband. We all have wonderful stories we share here as we celebrate and mourn together.

Please come here often. Marty and Mary are our Wisdom Goddesses and fire Keepers. They will show up in a little while to check in with you and welcome you, and help you all they can.

I am sending peace from my heart to yours, and you can find out more about me over on the Transformations thread. I will be watching to see how you are doing.

Blessings, namaste, also *<fairy dust>* because it holds lots of good things.

I am glad you found us, but so very sorry for your reason for being here with us. We are all walking our individual grief paths, and yet, we share and support and comfort each other. Welcome, with deepest sympathy.

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

[LarrysGirl]

Welcome SadLynn, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I'm glad you posted to this site, everyone is very supportive and understanding. Some members have recent losses, while myself and some others lost our loved ones many years ago. I lost my "Larry" 8 years ago, almost 9. He died the day before his 50th birthday. Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays do remind us of our loss. Grieving is a process, little by little, step by step. I hope you will share more with us, we will listen, Deborah

[MartyT]

My dear, I too am so sorry for your loss, but grateful that you've found your way to this healing circle of loving kindness and support. I hope you will heed the wise advice you've been given to pay attention right now to your basic needs for nutrition, adequate fluids, rest, and a bit of exercise each day, even if it's just a short walk outside in the sunshine.

Can you tell us more about your husband? Was he ill for a long time before he died, or was this death sudden and unexpected? Were you his primary caregiver? For how long? Do you have a circle of family or friends to whom you can turn for support? Was your husband on a hospice service, where bereavement services would be offered to you?

I don't want to bombard you with too much information at this very early point in your grief journey ~ there will be time enough for that ~ but I do believe that knowing some of what is normal in grief can reassure you that you're not "crazy" and can give you an idea of what to expect in the weeks and months ahead. If you feel up to it, you might begin with this: Common Myths and Misconceptions in Grief ~ and be sure to see some of the Related Articles and Resources listed at the base of the post as well.

You say your husband's birthday knocked you for a loop ~ It just so happens that coping with special days is the focus of the article I posted on my blog this morning. If you feel up to it, you might find it helpful ~ and again, be sure to see the Related Articles you'll find at the bottom too: In Grief: Dreading The Anniversary Of A Loved One's Death

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Sadlynn

I'm in England. My beloved Pete, my husband of almost 50 year, died after a stroke two years ago, I am still struggling with the grief and loss but I've survived and found much comfort on this site. Please tell us more about your husband if you feel able. Jan

[JeL]

Lynn,

I'm sorry for your loss with your husband's recent death. This site has caring people who share a sad common thread, we all know grief. My husband Fred died 9 months ago. Seems like eons ago yet yesterday. We had 32 good years. I'm working my way through.

"Am so sad that I am having hard time getting back on my feet. Anyone that can give me some helpful hints, it would be greatly appreciated."

Here's what works for me...some days better than others:

try for decent sleep, a bit of exercise, plenty of healthy fluids. see if gratitude can lift you a bit. At least that's my experience.

Please stay in touch on this site. We are with you.

Jo

[Queeniemary]

Lynn, so sorry for your loss. You have come to a very caring and compassionate place, and there are many wise people here, as you probably have already noted, to help you. My husband died on January 13, 2010, and I have been coming here since April, 2010. I think, without this place to come to, I would have had a much harder time. So sorry you have to join us on this journey, but you are not alone, we are all here for you.

QMary

[mfh]

Dear SadLynn

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know this is an extremely difficult journey you have begun and you found your way here to a group of caring people who know grief well. You have been given excellent advice and input by those who responded before me. I do hope you will take care of yourself during these months especially. Like others here, I lost my beloved Bill just over 4 years ago. It has been the single most painful experience I have had in my life. However, I took and am taking this trek one day at a time as best I can. I read many books about grief and especially spousal loss and I got support of all kinds. In time you will learn more about grief. Reading the articles Marty gave you will help tremendously. Reading the stories of people here will also assist you.

I am glad you found us and we welcome you. I know the reason you are here is so painful but you are in a good place by being here. Do share more as your energy allows.

Peace will come,

Mary

[SadLynn]

Thank you for all the replies. My husband Ben was diagnosed with Liver Cancer in January 2010. He was not expected to live for more than 9 months but he was a fighter and made it 3 years and almost 4 months. It was a long fight with many days of radiation, chemo, etc. I had recently quit my job before he was diagnosed and we both decided that I would not go back to work but we would spend whatever time remained together. This was good as it gave us time to just be together. I would not have changed this for the world but it was really tough. I now know that it was the easy part and this being alone without him is much tougher. I have one daughter who lives with me along with her daughter, who is 5 years old. I am grateful that they do live with me as I can not imagine being alone in this house 24/7. My other daughter lives about 10 minutes away and tries to spend time with us. I do okay at night time but when the house is empty all day and it is just me here is when I have the hardest time. Both of my daughters and granddaughter are wonderful, but they are also grieving and I try not to cling to them. My granddaughter is having a hard time as her PawPaw was the only father in her life and he is very angry that he is in Heaven. We have been spending alot of time trying to help her work thru her grief. Still trying to be the strong mother and grandmother. It is hard! My husband was the most outgoing, charming man and he had many friends. He was very active in Prison Minstries and love to share the love of Christ with anyone he met. I know that he is in heaven with God but it does not make the pain I feel any easier. I think what I am really having a problem with is all the people that told me they would be there for me but now I don't hear from any of them. It's like when my Ben died I ceased to exist. Even the people at my church have gone quiet. I have way to much time on my hands and that is making it harder for me. I spent the 1st two months staying really busy with legal matters, redecorating my bedroom and my husbands office so I could feel more comfortable in them. Now it just seems that I have hit a brick wall and can't get moving again. I wake up each morning and have a plan and then I just can't seem to activate the plan. Know in my mind that is not good and need to be active but I just seem to have lost the energy to do anything. I am very shy and have a hard time reaching out to people but I know that I need some friends to talk to so that is why I found this forum. I have always been a giver and not a taker so it is very hard for me to ask for help as I don't like to boughter people. Thank you for responding and I will read the information you told me about. I am a strong person and love God and I know that I will walk through this but don't think I realized how hard it was going to be. I am going to get up now from this computer and go and clean my house to work off some energy.

[kayc]

SadLynn,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, understandably, losing our spouse is one of the hardest things we can go through and the adjustment can take a very long time as there are so many losses that go with it. Facing all of our "special days" afterwards is tough. When I see my George's birthday or death day or our anniversary, or even my own birthday, any holiday, it's tough, I brace myself for it. I've learned to try to make plans so I won't be alone, but George's death day is the toughest, it's Father's Day so people are always busy with their families.

Remembering to take care of ourselves, eating healthy...sometimes we don't feel like cooking so having healthy snacks on hand helps...smoothies, fruit, vegetables, etc. Drink plenty of water and stay hydrated, I remember having problems with edema when George died...probably just the stress, but my daughter followed me around with food and water for a couple of weeks. I didn't feel like eating and remembering to drink wasn't high on my mind. Taking a walk or some other form of exercise can be a good stress reliever and helpful to our outlook and well being.

Trying to focus on whatever positive there is in the day really helped me not to despair. Sometimes it was just something small, a friend's call, a puppy's kiss, a beautiful sunset, anything. Something to look back on and be thankful for. It is those things that I have to live for now because my biggest joy left nearly nine years ago. It's funny, the passage of time doesn't seem to have made a lot of difference to me except that it gives us time to absorb and process it...the missing continues but we somehow learn to live with it even when we think it's not possible.

Coming to this site really saved my life. It is here I have felt able to express myself, and I think that's so important. When George died it stripped me from my sense of power...after all, no one asked me if I wanted this to happen! Voicing one's self helps restore some of that power. This is a safe place to come to and it helps to be able to vent to others who "get it" in a world that doesn't seem to.

Big hugs!

[kayc]

Our posts crossed. I'm glad you got to spend those last years with your husband. My MIL also had liver and bone cancer years ago, they sent her home to die, gave her about three weeks, she lived almost three years after that, I was her caregiver. It was a very special time that I will always look back on and remember.

It is especially hard for a caregiver when their loved one dies, they not only lose the person, but feel like they've lost their purpose and identity as well. It takes time and effort to reestablish that new sense of normal when nothing seems that way at all. Give yourself plenty of understanding and TLC.

[enna]

I am so sorry for your loss. Your Ben sounds like a wonderful man. And I am glad that you had the time to spend together during his illness. This will be a memory you will cherish.

Being alone was one of the hardest things I had to deal with and I am still dealing with it. It is a little easier today ~ my beloved Jim died two years ago this May.

People we knew did drift away. I think most just don’t know what to say to me. At first I thought I did something to hurt them but only later did I realize that it is often what happens when a spouse dies. It makes our grieving harder but we learn to focus on other interests and very slowly we learn to be OK with the way things are.

I understand about young grandchildren. I have two and both of them really don’t understand about death and my five year old keeps asking about grandpa even though it has been explained as best we know how. I love talking with them about grandpa.

Losing energy is perfectly normal when we are grieving. I always think I’m going to accomplish much more than I ever do in any given day!

I am sorry that you are here for the reason you are but I am glad that you have found this place. It has been a treasure for me.

Anne

[SadLynn]

Anne and all who replied. At least now I know that what I have been feeling and doing is natural. I keep trying to talk myself out of grieving like I can just pick up and run forward. Have not wanted to feel the pain but I know I don't have a choice. I called a grief counselor yesterday and have started the ball rolling to start seeing her. So that is a start along with this forum. I will now have outlets that I can speak through. I am grateful for all who have replied and I am also sorry that I have met you all this way. I am sorry for all of your losses as well but I will look to you all as mentors in my life. God Bless you all.

Sadlynn

[feralfae]

Dear Lynn,

Thank you for sharing about Ben. I am glad you had those last times together. Doug and I spent as much time as we could doing happy things together, always hopeful for the future, but feeling a strong need to snatch what joy we could from each day.

Oh, I am really glad you are going to be seeing a grief counselor. Marty has some super tools on her site, which you can find through her profile, and Mary has wonderful wisdom and sharing on her site as well. We are truly blessed to have their guidance through this journey. There may be some wonderful grief support groups in your area as well.

I am glad you found us, and please know that we will all be here for you any time you care to share, post, ask questions, or talk out your grief and pain. This is a place to sort out your inner emotional turmoil. Kay told me more than a year ago that this journey is like a roller coaster, up and down, fast and slow. whipping us around emotional corners and dropping us off of emotional precipices, to travel along in great swoops of feelings. Then we have days when we slide back into deep pain, and days when we can smile at the rainbows. Somehow, we slowly begin to be able to find a bit of balance again in our hearts, but it is not a steady state of progress.

This is a new life for each of us. We are discovering ourselves and gaining new perspectives on how to cope, how to survive, how to step back into life, and how to heal.

There is a meditation thread that you might find helpful. There are a lot of links to excellent meditation sites. As well, Marty and Mary will give you more information and links as you need them. They are very wise.

I am sorry you are here. I am so sorry you have lost Ben. But I am relieved for you that you have found this wonderful place for healing and beginning to find your way through the fog and grief of your loss. Welcome.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I'm glad you're going to start seeing a grief counselor, let us know how it goes.

Don't be surprised if you think you're doing pretty good and all of a sudden get set back. This journey is like three steps forward, two steps backwards, but if you focus on the overall it's progression nonetheless. Also, remember that emotions are just things to be dealt with, they aren't necessarily a barometer of how we're doing. They're a natural function like anything else.

We'll be here to listen to you as you go through your journey.

[KarenK]

Sadlynn, I am so sorry to hear that you have lost your soulmate, Ben. I was married for 41 years to my Ron, but have been on this lonely journey a bit longer as Ron left on May 5, 2013.

Each of us grieves in our own way & in our own time. In the beginning, I thought I had lost my mind, but discovered I had only temporarily misplaced it.

This forum is a group of wonderful friends, many of whom have been on this journey much longer than you or I, and are willing to share of themselves to help us along.

I'm glad you have found a counselor. I did not seek one, but found a local group of widows/widowers to meet with weekly for a time. I have a son & grandson nearby & a daughter who lives far away and is very ill. They are all very supportive. I'm sure it is very difficult to explain all this to your little granddaughter.

Thank you for having the courage to join with us. We will help in any way we can.

Luv,

Karen

[Northerngal]

I am very new to this site and in fact, this is the first time I've ever joined a forum of any kind.

I lost my husband in early Dec. and feel that I'm adjusting fairly well. I have friends who have been very supportive; but, of course, the house feels very empty without my man. Thank goodness I have my dog! Our two daughters call me often, but both live far away in different states. I visited one of them for 2 weeks in May. There was still some snow in my yard when I left and it was summer when I returned. I didn't expect the change of seasons to hit me so hard. It was like a slap in the face. My guy loved to garden and his greenhouse would have held lettuce almost ready to pick and flowers waiting to be planted.

Our anniversary is coming up on the 29th of this month and I tear up just thinking about it. There are so many "firsts" to confront. His birthday was in April and I found that I dreaded that day also, but on the actual day I was just fine. This is a real learning experience.

His health was failing for the last couple of years and he died of a massive stroke. I have a whole new appreciation for caregivers! And when I look around there are so many wives in that role. I try to be as supportive to them as I can be.

I find dinner time to be the hardest time of the day and have no interest in cooking for just myselt. Have found that Healthy Choice meals are among the best. Hopefully down the line, I'll start cooking again. I'm finding that a dozen eggs are too many - I end up throwing some - & I'm not able to buy half a dozen as the nearby stores don't sell them by the half dozen. Any suggestions on cooking for one would be appreciated! Northerngal

[KarenK]

Northerngal, so sorry to hear that you have lost your husband.

I am not among the group of very fine cooks here, but did find it difficult to shop for one. In fact just the shopping produced "sticker shock" as my husband was the shopper & the chef. Cooking has just never been my thing. As you chose Healthy Choice, Stouffer's became my "friend". I also buy meat in small quantities from the butcher case instead of large packages. I find it simple to use the crockpot with chicken or chops and soup preparing 2 meals at a time and freezing one. Or I use things like Hamburger Helper & freeze the extra portions. I usually eat only once or twice a day.

Nothing that I fix or eat is particularly healthy, so if that is a concern, please don't pay me any attention. I'm sure someone who enjoys cooking will have some good ideas for you.

I'm glad that you are adjusting at your own pace. I could never get used to the silence so my TV is on most of the time. Even after more than a year, sometimes it is hard for me to grasp my new reality.

Please join in whenever you would like.

Luv,

Karen

[MartyT]

You've asked a question that is shared by many of our members, Northerngal. In addition to Karen's suggestions, hope you'll find this article helpful: In Grief, The Challenge of Cooking For One ♥

[SadLynn]

Northerngal, So sorry for you loss also. Its funny to me about food. I was an avid couponer and that was one of the things my husband, Ben and I shared. We would go grocery shopping every Wednesday morning to buy the things on my list. My husband was so proud of me when we would get to the checkout counter and we would leave the store with 150.00 dollars worth of groceries and would have only paid 20.00. I have a freezer, pantry and garage full of food that he loved and that I loved to cook for him. That was one of my first problems after he was gone, what to do with all of this food that he loved and now I could no longer cook for him. In the 1st month after he was gone, I started giving food away to anyone who came to visit. They would look at me like I was crazy, but I could not stand to look at all of that food. I no longer go couponing, just can't work up the desire to buy anything. I still have my daughter and my granddaughter but they are both very pick eaters and so they don't eat anything that I would cook even if I had the desire to cook which I don't. I have started to buy frozen dinners to exist on for now until I recapture that desire and to remember what types of food that I would now like to eat. After you cook for 31 years to please a Cajun husband, you forget what your taste were and that is somthing I will have to rediscover. I want to ask all of you a question. My friend called my yesterday by accident it appears and she said she would call me back in few minutes, but that has not happened. Makes me very upset. Should I just let it go or should I call her and tell her how that makes me feel? I don't want to upset her but she lost her daughter 3 years ago and all I can figure is that she want to avoid me and maybe her pain. Need advice on how to handle people that tell me they are there for me but don't seem to be. Should I just let them be or try and hang on to my friends that I need now more than ever?

Sadlynn

[feralfae]

Dear Lynn,

Oh my goodness! Doug and I shopped together, and I would order cases of foods he could eat after his surgeries, trying to make meals he would enjoy and could digest. I did the same thing you did: our cold storage room was overflowing with food of all kinds, and I could not face looking at the things that Doug would never eat, that I would never prepare for him, that we would never enjoy. I gave away boxes and boxes of foods and yes, I think people thought I was a bit off balance, and I was. But I needed to clear out the constant reminders that things had changed in such a profound way.

It is very hard to adjust. Some days I forgot to eat, and I had no appetite the first several months. I am still not quite up to having dinner parties, but maybe my upcoming weekend away visiting a chef will help to inspire me.

About your friend, do you feel up to calling her and asking how she is doing? I am sure when you heard her voice, it made you want to talk with her. Maybe you two could find a way to open to each other and help each other with healing. I know my friend Karen, who lost her husband shortly after Doug left, have really helped each other during this time. We still talk almost every day. We check on each other just to see how we are doing.

If people offered, or said they wanted to help, I did my best to reach out to them on days when I was able to do so. Some days, the fog was so heavy that it was all I could do to brush my teeth and hair and put on clothes. But if they have offered, reach out and ask for what you need. Some will respond with caring, and some may not be able to respond right now. People have such a variety of responses to death and grief. Try to reach out, but know that not everyone can respond as we would like.

Do you have a grief support group? That can be very helpful. I think you said you were going to see a grief counselor. I still see mine occasionally. She is available if I call and make an appointment, although it can take a couple of weeks. If you can find a grief support group, it is another opportunity to have people with whom you can share your feelings and this journey.

Of course, you are here now, and this is a grief support group as well, and we are all here for you.

I wonder if your friend just got busy and distracted. It is worth giving her a call, just to check in. You will know what to say.

I am sorry this time is so very hard for you. I hope each day brings a bit more peace and that you are surrounded by loving people and supportive community.

Peace to you, dear Lynn

fae

[mfh]

Dear Lynn

Fae's ideas and feedback is exactly what I would recommend. If calling feels too difficult right now, you might send her a card and invite her to tea acknowledging you both have had significant losses now and you would love to share with her and know how she is doing.

Early on after Bill died, I tried now and then to grab a rare moment when I felt I could actually cook and made up a triple batch of soup or stew to freeze in serving size containers. It helped. I also bought the packages of ready to eat salads now available. The salad and a can of salmon make a light meal. It is difficult but gets easier over time.

Reading Marty's article on cooking for one will be helpful.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

Lynn, I like what fae suggested. I know when my husband died, so did our friends disappear. It hurt a lot and I couldn't understand at the time, but now I realize to a lot of people we are a reminder of death and sometimes they treat us like it's contagious. I tried talking to them about it but it didn't help, they still went their own way, so I guess its a thing you can't head off or change, but perhaps if she hears from you and it's somewhat upbeat she won't be reminded of her own loss and will realize she can still be around you. It seems unfair when you already have so much to deal with. I have a couple of friends that have lost their spouse and we're able to speak candidly about how we're feeling and that helps.

I couldn't afford to buy frozen dinners and found it hard to cook for just one so I resort to cutting down my quantities and freezing some of it in meal size containers for later. It helps for the days I really don't feel like cooking. Now I tend to cook in spurts, certainly not everyday. Try to keep healthy snacks around. I like to keep homemade soup or salad and fruit and broccoli and spinach around, quick to fix and healthy.

I had the hardest time getting groceries after George died as that was something we always did together (it's 100 mile round trip to the store). In the beginning my daughter did it for me.

Northerngirl,

I am so sorry for your loss too, and am glad you've found your way to this site. Six months out is hard because the shock wears off, everyone goes home, and you're left to deal with everything...alone. We want to be here for you and Lynn both if you'll let us.

Eggs...you could scramble them and put some in baggies in the freezer to pull out for breakfast when you want it...or for those nights you don't feel like cooking.

[SadLynn]

Hope everyone is doing okay today. I decided that I would try to be more active today, so I got up early to mow he grass and just as I got the lawnmower out it started to rain. HA! HA! So now I will have to change my plans. I actually ate breafast today before lunchtime which is a miracle, but I am really trying to start a rountine everyday and stick to it. I know in my mind that I will not be perfect at it and I am trying to accept that. I am my worst critic when it comes to what I think I should be doing and what I can actually accomplish. I am really trying to just let go and just feel. I have cried more tears this week than I cried my entire life. I should lose weight just for the amount of the water loss. LOL!!! At least some of my sense of humor is breaking through which is good. I need to ask for some advice. My two sisters live in Texas and they want me to come visit this summer so I can see my mother who is in a nursing home with alzheimers. She does not know who we are anymore and I am not sure that I can see her without it killing me. Don't know if I can add that grief on top of my grief over my husband. Part of my feels guilty for that but part of me is trying not to totally overwelm myself. This would be a long trip by myself and I am not sure how I will react to going back to Texas for the 1st time without my husband. Don't know if it will be way to much way to soon. Tell my what you think.

[mfh]

Dear Lynn,

Good for you for getting out there with the mower. If that were me, I would thank the rain as I hate to mow. Yes, a structure helps a lot, a routine. No one does anything perfectly. Perfect does not exist...a myth, if you will. With all the tears you are shedding, don't forget to hydrate more than you normally do. I do understand the abundance of tears. I did the same thing when Bill died. It tapers off in time and with grief work.

As for traveling, the best answer lies within you. Is your mother close to death? And I know with Alzheimer's it is unpredictable. What you may ask yourself is how will you feel if your mom dies and you do not see her.Traveling and dealing with this situation is really a tough call. If you feel it is too much, you need to honor yourself and stay home. I have missed family events as a result of my loss and grief. I do not regret it because at the time I made the best decision I could. Sit quietly with this question and see what you really feel. You are under no obligation to go or to go now. You may choose to wait and go in the fall or later. I wish I could make the decision for you but I can tell you that whatever you decide is right for you. And if your sisters do not understand, they will have to live with that and hopefully they will not push you to do what they want but not what you need. I wish you the best with this. These are tough questions.