Being Overwhelmed Most Of The Time

[kayc]

Elly,

Please trust me when I say it won't be as it is today, forever. This intense level of pain that is excruciating will evolve into something more livable. There will be times, the rest of your life, that you will have a waft of grief that suddenly hits you and you sob. But it won't be every day, it may be months apart. You will feel the "missing him" part each and every day of your life, but you will get more used to it. After a time, you will realize he is with you, inside of you, always. Someone that close, that "one", cannot just be ripped apart...we are separated by death, but yet he continues to live, his energy is still alive, and he will always live inside of you, in your heart, soul, and memory. There is much we don't know about afterlife, much we don't understand, but I take it on faith that we will be together again, in some form or another, and we will never ever be forgotten to each other. What we had together can never die. It was so amazing, the way we "clicked", so amazing how we understood each other, could communicate so beautifully, loved and had faith in each other, were each other's best friend...I feel truly blessed to have had him in my life. Even now, I draw comfort and encouragement from his love. When I've gone through job loss or health problems, I felt him cheering me on, I heard in my mind the things he would say. Sometimes I imagine him holding me, and it gives me a great feeling. But like a little boy once said, "But I want God with SKIN on!"...I feel that way with George...I want George with SKIN on. Who knows, maybe someday that will be, one can only hope.

[enna]

First of all, I want to welcome you, AnneW, to this place of healing. I am so sorry you are here for any reason but to have lost your husband is so very hard. My dear Jim has been gone now for just a little over 29 months. There are still gut wrenching days but they do get further and further apart ~ that is a fact. It takes work ~ grief work ~ and we do not always feel like we did those first few years.

One thing I can agree with from those who have said it before ~ we will not lie to you, Elly. It does not work and it is so unfair to you. We cannot take your pain away but we can assure you that you will not carry it alone.

It hurts my heart that there are so many "new" grievers here. There are people here who were/are here for me and that is something we can do for you. I am so glad that you were directed to this place. As Rita said, “It’s just so awful.”

I like the idea of making bear clothes from our spouse’s clothes. I did not know about this a few years ago.

There is a wonderful little book called The Little Engine That Could ~ to earn it's whistle it had to try and try. That is how grief is to me ~ going on day after day with that one phrase always going through my mind "I Think I Can, I Think I Can..."

Anne (enna)

[enna]

This is a place that we come to tell our stories. We are heard, not hurried, through our journeys.

[Elly57]

I just got rid of the last of the fresh flowers from the funeral. It feels like every step I take I'm erasing him. I hear what you say but that's how it feels. I wish I could just sob and cry my heart out. It just won't come. My heart hurts so badly and no out let. I want to feel his arms around me saying it's going to be ok. But it's not.

[annew]

Holding you close in heart, Elly....I so understand that place.....it's impossible to face a future without our dearly departed ones.....So it has forced me to be here now, to let the feelings have their way, to use denial as a gift that gives me some relief some times. Up until yesterday, I had weeks of escalating pain and fear about the future after some respite from all that. Now after a couple of days of subsiding and connection with this group, I am able to be responsive as well. I have had some truly amazing support and such gifts from others, even messages and a never ending feeling of connection with my Gary. It feels so lonely, I know and yet I know more and more I am not really alone and that I am walking this path very well even when it feels so unspeakably awful. Much love to you and to everyone here.

[feralfae]

Dear Elly,

I am so very sorry for the depth of your pain. My Doug has been gone 33 months, and while the pain and grief have lessened, I still miss him every day. But it does get easier. Somehow, over all these days and months, I have become more reconciled to going on, to living without Doug here to cheer me on, to comfort and protect me, and to face the days without his smile and hugs. There wasn't a simple shift that happened one day, but a shift that is happening over time, that is still going on, that is gentle, quiet, and persistent, like water on a rock.

There were so many fresh flowers here. I dried all the roses and put them into a big bowl, and that bowl which I had filled with dried rose petals is in my home office, a reminder of all the loving support and caring people who held me together the first few months. Sometimes I plant my face in the petals and inhale, still able to smell their fragrance. I have another bowl of dried leaves from our forest in Alaska, and those carry a wonderful scent as well. These days, after 33 months, the fragrances help to reinforce the reality of our love, because even if Doug is no longer where with me "in his skin" I can still feel his spirit with me when I need his advice, guidance, or just simply need his loving presence to help me to go on.

We are here with you, and we are sharing this journey with you. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself a lot of lovingkindness every day. Ask friends and family for hugs. If you cannot cry, have you tried going somewhere safe and wailing? I would drive out somewhere in the country, and sit in the car and wail and scream, pounding my fist on the dash. Often I would sob for a while. Maybe getting away and screaming would be helpful to release some of the pain.

I am holding you in prayer and in my heart, and hope that today you find a few minutes of peace for your heart, and some time to sit quietly, write in your journal, and hold some good memories.

Blessings to you

feralfae

[ohsosad]

It sounds so foreign to me to hear some of you cannot cry. I, on the other hand, cry and cry and cry. I said to my friend two days ago - with such frustration - I Cannot Stop Crying!!! I had been crying for several hours before we met to walk our dogs. I thought with that distraction I would be able to stop. But I couldn't! I cried throughout our walk and continued on the ride home. It is totally exhausting. And this is now 17 weeks after Steve died. Seems the intensity of gutwretching pain is not diminishing.

Rita

[Elly57]

Wow! I knew today was going to be a tough one. I did get a lot of house work done, changed the bed, washed floors and vacuumed, sorted and dusted, had a shower and readied myself for the evening. Tonight was a banquet for the end of season base ball teams, in our county, my husband was apart of. He didn't make the season this year but went out a few times to watch them. We had received the tickets a while ago and once he had passed away I knew I had to attend to honer him. I also knew he had been put forward for MVP.........The building was full to the gills......... They called out his name and people began to stand up in respect and applaud his memory. I had to go up and collect his shirt........I love my husband so much.....

I had a few people come to me saying they were glad I was there to accept the award. They asked me to drop by and go for coffee. I'm taking everyone up on all the invitations they offer. I have to move passed this, I have to, I have to.

[JeL]

Hi Elly, I'm very sorry for all you are going through; I'm a bit ahead of you on this grief journey...my husband Fred died 14 months ago after a short illness.

It sounds like you had a big day today. I'm impressed with your courage and strength to attend the baseball banquet and accept the MVP award honoring your husband this evening. In my experience, it took tremendous physical and emotional energy to attend social events in early bereavement. I remember fluctuating between frenetic energy and dense fatigue. Many days I'd come home from work and just sit for hours. Sometimes I still do.

You will move past this; we do that in bereavement by moving through it, taking care of ourselves, understanding grief and loss. I think we'd all like a magic switch or pill to turn off the pain. If only it was so easy.

We're with you.

Jo

[kayc]

Elly, don't worry, the tears will come when they are ready to. And Rita, don't worry that they won't stop, they won't shed forever...it will turn into a "now and then" and then lessen in frequency. It's important that we let ourselves grieve however our self needs to, in whatever form, in whatever time frame. It's okay that we're not like others, this is a unique journey because we are unique, and so are our relationships with our spouses.

I'm glad we have each other to turn to in this journey. It's not something to "get past", but to learn how to live.

[ohsosad]

My pastor who is counseling me suggested going on an anti-depressant. My inclination is to not do so, but I'd like to get the opinion of the group on this.

Rita

[enna]

Hi Rita,

Some of us responded to you on the thread Mary posted the other day ~ "A Journey Inward" (located under Tools for Healing on the front page).

Oh, I am so with you about how my mind has been working since Jim died! So many stories I could tell about little things that happened to me ~

I'm glad people keep telling me that it is all "normal" to be this way!

We are missing our loved ones and that does not mean we are sick or need medicine. We need love and understanding and hugs. However, I do believe in medicine if we need it.

Anne

[Elly57]

i think counseling is a great idea. If I walk away with only one thing each time I go. (ive only been once so far) I am trying each and everything that is surgested here.

I have currently taken off to Alberta for some distance from the step children. my kids didn't want me to leave but when needs must. its just a week but i needed to be kind to myself. I'm journaling too. I hope to get all this down on paper (including all the daily updates i did while on the journey right from the beginning) this way i will also leave something for my children when my time comes. This may also help them get through my loss. In life we touch so many people and we never know it. I needed to reconnect with family here and to get some perspective. Whatever works right?

[kayc]

My doctor offered to put me on antidepressant when George died, but I declined, telling him it was situational, not clinical, and the situation wasn't going to change so I just needed to learn to deal with it, not try to mask it with drugs. He agreed.

I would certainly talk to my doctor before making a decision...I doubt that a pastor has the credentials for prescribing antidepressants, so he just may not understand the difference between natural grief response and depression. A grief counselor might be a better choice.

[Elly57]

Im reading this neat book right now and there are many great quotes......for some, "every day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises"..........there's your thought for the day.

[shalady]

I am hopeful that one day I will again see the good things. For right now I will just try to get through each day the best I can. I miss my husband right down to my bones. I still cannot wrap my brain totally around what has happened. From what I read here on this forum many have had the same problem just processing that our loved one is gone. It in inconceivable. I sit and think about it to try to make it clear but it is still just a fog. I try to picture life without him but come up blank. It's like I lost half of myself.

[ohsosad]

Shalady,

I am the same as you regarding just not yet able to accept the reality that he is gone forever. I feel sick in the pit of my stomach thinking I will never see or talk with him again. I don't look forward to life anymore.

Kay & Anne,

I haven't been to the doctor yet but I've already decided against an anti-depressant. It just doesn't seem the right way to go. Thanks for your input on this issue. I am in agreement with you.

Rita

[kayc]

I just want to add that it takes concerted effort to see the good in each day, but it's something I've been practicing since 12 days after George's death, when I came across a refrigerator magnet that said, "Find Joy in Every Day". It's CHOOSING to look for good things. I learned to not look for or expect HUGE joy (like having George back), but rather small things, like a puppy's kiss, a rainbow, a driver letting me merge, getting to see a herd of elk or deer, a stranger holding a door open for me. I think it's in LOOKING for and RECOGNIZING the good things, that we come to appreciate life as it is...living in the present moment allows you to fully experience life. In having a face tilted upward, it helps us to enjoy what is instead of focusing so much on what isn't. That doesn't mean you won't feel your grief, you will, you will have grief bursts the rest of your life, but eventually they'll get fewer in between. It's in looking for the positive that we can begin to balance it so that ALL that we feel is not merely the grief, but ALL of our emotions.

[HisWife]

I agree with Kayc that, although difficult on some days, the day's a little better if I can find something positive or joyful. I've never seen a herd of Elk but I have seen a gaggle of geese walking across a busy road and all the cars stopped to let them go by. Sounds trivial but it brought a smile to my face, which I really needed today.

[Elly57]

the book i'm reading is the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I think some may really find support and new look on things when reading this.

[shalady]

Thanks for that info. I find reading about this is helpful. I received a few booklets from hospice and they bring many points to light. Whatever helps...

[kayc]

I love that! (gaggle of geese). I, too, love stopping for elk, deer, peacocks, etc. in the road. We have cougar, bear, coyotes, skunks, raccoons, you name it. To me, animals and nature are what make life worthwhile!

[Elly57]

hello shalady

I should clarify that the book im reading is not so much about the topic we are here for but it really makes me thing about desisions im making for the future and how everyday things can affect me. its more re thinking my identity and how i want to move forward from here.

[shalady]

I went to work today. I am so exhausted. I am working tomorrow, not sure how I will do it. Part of me says get up and going while part of me barely finds the strength to do it. I really want to get out because I feel it is better for me but I also don't want to leave the comfort and safety I feel at home. I also want to do what makes me happy which right now is just staying home with the dog. The job is depending on me. I so wish I could figure out what is best for me. Thanks for listening. I am so sad.

[Elly57]

What is your job. Shalady?